Prologue

The game. They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don't. My mother was one of the greats. Me on the other hand... I'm kinda screwed. Like I said I'm screwed. I can't think of any one reason why I want to be a surgeon. But I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose. There are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game. And you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing... I love the playing field. Meredith Grey; A Hard Day´s Night

I hadn't told anyone. I haven't even told my person. Not even Cristina, even though she's my person. I thought about telling her, I really did but it scares me when other people know. I don't like other people know about it. I don't like to talk about it. It. The big secret. There are things that can't be changed at all. At all. Sadly, unfortunately it was and nothing would be able to change it. Ever. And this was one of those things. And actually, it bothers me not at all. At least it had never bothered me before. Had. Now it does.

I didn't care about people talking behind someone's back. They don't have clue what it's like to be born with a heart defect and everything else. They don't know what it is like to live with it. To live with a organic heart defect that was congenital. Meaning, it occurs right after birth or in the weeks after birth. But some ccongenital defects are detected too late. These babies die when the PDA closes. It is a death sentence for them without the surgery - and it almost was a death sentence for me too. These other people ... They think heart disease it that what old people get. They see arteriosclerosis and heart attacks and heart failure. But there is another field that deals with cardiology in children. Babies. Adolescents who are heart patients since birth. Once heart kid, always heart kid, it's what they say in Germany.* They do not know anything how life is for children, adolescents and adults who have been born with a heart defect. Most of them never had anything that required immediate medical Attention right after birth.

But now? It's different. Totally different. Everything is different now. I am an adult now, and I have spot as a surgical intern at Seattle Grace Hospital and saving other people's life's- that's known to take a great deal of time. And I'm not sure whether I should tell someone ... Like Dr. Miranda Bailey, our stiff but caring resident. We couldn't have gotten a better resident. All the others are morons. Sorry for saying that but it's true. Dr. Richard Webber, the chief of Seattle Grace, he and my mother We - that are Cristina, who is my person by the way, Izzie also known as barbie, George also called 007 after he froze in surgery when he ruptered the caecum when he did the first appendectomy. They always choose a resident each year that then can perform this simple procedure. It's sort of a tradition. But back to the point. I swore I wouldn't tell anyone. Nobody knows about it. Nobody, they are all totally clueless about my heart malformation. Even my resident, Dr. Miranda Bailey, doesn't know. The Chief doesn't know. Also there's the fact that I haven't gone to cardiac follow - ups since three years, which is irresponsible and dangerous, oh and not mention the word risky. Because it is risky, especially for me if something happens.

It is very risky not to know that. If something happens and nobody has a freaking clue what is going on with you they´ll lose important time which can decide whether you'll survive or not. A simple decision can decide whether you live or die. It can be a matter of live and death But that is just worst case scenario ... But even the worst case scenario can happen, can become true which I don't hope.

Like I said, nobody has a clue about my medical condition. Even if it's risky. For me. That nobody knows is risky, I do know that. I am a doctor after all, but if I tell them about what is going on, they'll look at me like a patient. But here's the thing: I hate being the patient. And on top of that, the rumours. The nurses and all the other staff at Seattle Grace Hospital like to gossip. And I don't like when people talk about me. I have had then when Derek went back to Addison and I was like ... Fact is, I don't like it when people talk about me. "Have you heard? Ellis Grey's daughter is living with a heart defect." "Wow, how can she be a doctor if she#s living with such a condition?" "What do you think, is it a simple defect or was it life - threathening?" They will talk about me if they find out. Then I'll be number one gossip topic in the Hospital. It's not like you can hide anything from these nurses. They'll gossip, no matter what. Even if you tell them to stop, they will still do it.

And I don't want that. Which is understandable considering the whole situation. So nobody of the staff at Seattle Grace Hospital knows ... Not even the Chief and my resident. It is reckless. I know. But it's my choice. It is my reckless choice. Nobody knows. And I really hope it stays that way. George and Izzie don't have a single clue about me being born with congenital heart disease. I keep the medications I need to take 'cause of my heart condition in my room so they do not see them and start asking me why I take them. It is none of their business. That is one of the reasons I don´t keep them in the bathroom where everybody can see what the other one has lying around there. If I would do that they would know. They are doctor's, they know what medication you can get over the counter and the ones you need a prescription to get them. And when they see the name or active pharmaceutical ingredient (API) they will know what it going on. I mean they know what diuretics and digitalis are and what they are used for.

But George and Izzie don't know. Cristina doesn't know. Derek is clueless as well. Nobody know about anything. Just me. Me, my mother and nobody else. I think it is the best solution. But I know, it will come out someday. The truth will always come out and when it does, it is usually shocking. Yes, having a colleague with a CHD and not knowing about it is shocking.

And my mother. Ellis Grey. She knew. Of course she did. She was there when I was diagnosed with my heart condition. I don't remember very much from my years as a kid, I don't remember everything clearly from the third time they operated on me. It is only bits and pieces that I remember. Except for the things that happened when I was older. Some things I only know because she told me. They wanted wait with the second surgery until at least maybe six months. But then I have suffered pulmonary edema and the surgeons went forth with the surgery, waiting was no longer optional. They had to go in to prevent Eisenmenger's reaction and pulmonary hypertension due to my complete Atrioventricular Septal Defect. It can lead to pulmonary edema and if you wait to long before doing the surgery it may be too late for a repair. Normally, you repair a complete AVSD at three to six months, one year tops. With a partial one you can wait until the child is stronger ...

So back to my mother. She knows. Or now knew. Well, now she has forgotten, she has advanced Alzheimer's, and lives in a nursing home at the end of the city. Nonody knows about her suffering from advanced, early - onset Alzheimer's as well. She made me swear I would never tell anyone. But I did, I told Derek but he is the only one who knows. No one knows about my medical condition. And I hope it stays that way. But unfortunately nobody has influence about secrets being told or staying in the dark. And the truth comes always out. Sooner rather than later. Usually it is shocking. Very shocking.

Then there's Derek. Derek Shepherd. Big - shot neurosurgeon, world - renowned neurosurgeon from New York City, Mount Sinai, East Coast. McDreamy, as jokingly Cristina calls him when we talk about him. We call it freak out time and Cristina always kicks him out of bed which happens quite often. Unfortunately for him. But he deals with it and he know I need my freak out time with Cristina. But he is the love of my live. He is my McDreamy. But first, he was married when we met at Joe´s Bar and didn´t even tell me until she showed up in the Hospital Lobby. That so wasn´t the greatest memory. His wife also works at Seattle Grace after they tried to save their already broken marriage but they failed. So, no one knows about it. About the secret, I mean. Hopefully it will remain a secret, 'cause some things are better off if they stay in the dark.

Meredith sighed. She had a day off, that was an absolute rarity. Especially as an intern. But she bothered something: her past. There were mostly unpleasant memories- surgeries, doctors appointments, heart catheter studies ... And once a electrophysiological study, 'cause she's been having arrhythmias. But then Meredith had managed to leave her past finally behind.

She went to Europe for three months with her friend, Sadie and then she decided to go to med school and after years of studying she graduated best in her class. She lost contact with Sadie after being accepted at Dartmouth, they haven´t heard from each other since then. And Meredith did not care. Now she had Cristina. Her twisted sister, the sister she never had ...

She had never given up on her dream. Her dream was to become a great surgeon. Like her mother. She employed to follow in the very, very big footsteps of the legendary and famed Ellis Grey, who was the first female surgeon and invented the ´Grey Method´. She also won the Harper Avery Price twice. It was the greatest Award any medical professional could win and it was sponsored by the Harper Avery Foundation.

Every med student knows her name.

And Meredith wanted to be a doctor too- since she got her first suture kit for her birthday. But first it didn´t look like she could realize this dream.

But then, everything worked out for good.

Flashback: Meredith, 5 years

It beeps rhythmically. It was the cardiac monitor she was connected to. It was registering her heartbeat. Something was blinking. Everything seemed cold and sterile. Five year old Meredith didn't know where she was. Confused, she tried to move. With difficulty, she turned her head to the side, saw a screen with such funny sequences on it, also this machine beeped all the time. She raised her head. At least she tried to to do that, but something stopped her- She breathed in deeply. She was confused and didn't know where she was or why she was here. She had no single idea why she could be here. Anyway, this beeping is really annoying. And everything was somehow blurry. As if the room was spinning. There were too much wires and she had central line in her. And then there were those electrodes and ECG leads. She always had hated this procedure when she had the check up with her pediatric cardiologist.

In addition, alone this movement was exhausting, so she let herself fall back into the pillow. She tried to force air into her lungs, but it wasn't easy. Again she tried. It was definitely hard to breathe. Something bad was going on, something was terribly wrong. Again this question? Why was she here. She didn't know. Meredith swallowed, her throat was dry, and besides that, she had no idea where the hell she was. Meredith raised her hand, she saw a cannulae. She knew how these things were called, through them the patients in hospital could get medicine.

In that moment she knew where she was. The hospital. She was in the hospital. But why? Why was she here? Lastly, her status deteriorated and Ellis made go see a doctor. Now they were at the Hospital because of it. But why were there all those devices that made all that noise? She hated that beeping and bllinking. She's got a headache from it. It's supposed to stop. She didn't know that all these devices were important for monitoring her well - being. To monitor her vital functions like heartbeat, heart rhythm, pulse, oxygenation et cetera.

"Hey." Meredith croaked helplessly. No one heard her. Again she tried to make a sound to get someone's attention. This time she was successful, a doctor who was standing a few feet away from her heard her. He came up to her and said, surprised: "Nurse, page Dr. Grey, her daughter just woke up." He called for a nurse who was standing nearby at the nurses station. Meredith closed her eyes, she was tired. Vaguely she could hear the doctor talking to someone in the room. "Meredith?" The little girl blinked her eyes closed again. Trembling, she took a deep breath. Suddenly her heart rate accelerated. Meredith's heart rate sped up uncontrollably and she had trouble breathing because of that. She had no control over anything. The whole room was spinning. Her heart was beating rapidly and she felt her breathing quicken. She had difficulty breathing. She panicked, everything was a blur. Meredith gasped desperately trying to get enough oxygen into her lungs, but failed.

The doctor who had spoken to her, saw her struggling and analyzed the situation within seconds and pressed a button on the wall. It was the red code button. He was calling for help. Then it creaked in the wires and some weird sounds were coming, then it worked. The intercom awakened to life. The doctor meanwhile grabbed a respiratory mask to get her oxygenation stabilized but it didn't work. Meredith's pulse oxygen was still falling and her pulse oxymeter was still whining because of the lack of oxygen-

"Code Blue, paediatric ICU. I repeat, Code Blue, paediatric ICU."

A computer voice over intercom said. "Help." Meredith managed to say out, her voice breaking. "Breathe okay? Calm down, breathe, it will be better soon." The doctor tried to calm her, but Meredith didn't seem to hear anything. Her coloring changed to blue. She became cyanotic. She had a hypoxic seizure. Lack of oxygen. Central cyanosis caused by her heart. But the worst was shortness of breath and the feeling her heart would jump right out of her chest. More doctors and nurses rushed to her room and started working on her to get her stabilized. "Get a Crash cart in case she starts coding." One doctor said, everything moved. She felt a sudden wave of dizziness overcome her. Then, everything went black. Meredith passed out... "Damn it, she´s lost consciousness. We have to figure out what's causing this." The pediatric heart surgeon said and looked at her oxygen saturation and blood pressure.

A/N: So, that is my first real try on a multichapter fic in another language.

I am excited!

Sorry, if there are any grammar mistakes or mistakes in my spelling. My absolute OTP is Meredith and Derek. I love them, my obsession to them is already kind of embarrassing. I am also a big supporter of the Mertina friendship. The twisted sisters are just great together. You'll see them together a lot... And I have this somewhat weird obsession with pediatric cardiology, just like Cristina is addicted to cardiology too. I kind of can relate to that... I know I am rambling, so...

Now we come to the medical things: Pulmonary hypertension (PH) is an increase of blood pressure in the pulmonary artery, pulmonary vein, or pulmonary capillaries, together known as the lung vasculature, leading to shortness of breath, dizziness, fainting, leg swelling and other symptoms. Pulmonary hypertension can be a severe disease with a markedly decreased exercise tolerance and heart failure. Eisenmenger's reaction (short ES, or tardive cyanosis) is defined as the process in which a left to right shunt caused by a congenital heart defect in the fetal heart causes increased flow through the pulmonary vasculature, causing pulmonary Hypertension, which in turn causes increased pressures in the right side of the heart and reversal of the shunt into a right-to-left shunt.

I hope you'll like it.

And hopefully leave a review.

P.S.: Once heart kid, always heart kid is what they say in Germany. The original phrase is 'Einmal Herzkind, immer Herzkind' and means that children who are born with a heart defect always are at risk for a setback. Hell, even arrhythmias can occur twenty - fourty years after the surgery. Time doesn't matter, there is no guarantee for anything. Even the the cardiologist says, it's highly unlikely something will happen, it still can.