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Chapter 44

Dauntless funerals are weird if you ask me. I understand the whole idea of celebrating someone's life and their accomplishments, but partying and getting drunk just seems disrespectful. I don't understand why people would do that. Skander's family is behaving according towards the Dauntless tradition, but I notice that Skander isn't participating in it. He stands aside and watches. Kane and Tyra had spent most of the evening at his side, but he had left them behind at the bar when they started joining in the drinking traditional. I didn't blame him.

Charlotte and Scott had their hands full at the bar, but they told me to stay with my friends. I was surprised that Scott was the one to inform me. Even though I have lost three friends, I sort of expected him to tell me to come to work. I guess he must be warming up to me. Maybe I wanted to work a little as well. It would take my mind of things. I would be doing something.

The bodies of my friends were removed from the medic center around noon. They were brought back to Candor. They might have been Dauntless initiates, but they weren't Dauntless members, so that means they still belong to their parents. Max saw to it that their parents would be properly informed. I talked to him when he came back. He was surprisingly… kind. We didn't talk long or mention our conversation on the roof, but he informed after my wellbeing and those of my friends and I informed after his. He gave me some advice about talking about what I was going through and stuff like that. I said that I would think about it, but that was a lie.

Lucas and Sarah went to the medic center in the late afternoon for checkups. Victor and Annie helped them. Sarah's wound wasn't deep, so she should be completely healed in a few days. The bullet hadn't gone deep and hadn't hit any important organs. Lucas would need more time to heal. He wasn't allowed to put his weight on his wounded leg. He hated walking on crutches. His face expression remembered me of myself when I was stuck in the wheelchair. I think he is also annoyed that his brother is doing everything for him and I mean everything. Victor hasn't left his brother side since I saw them this morning. I understand why he does it, but I also understand that it must be frustrating for Lucas.

The whole day went by in a haze. Michael slept until four and I waited for him. It wasn't good for me. My brain refused to stop thinking about my friends, Eric, Jeanine and everything wrong in my life. I wish I could turn it off sometimes. I wouldn't mind the silence it would offer. After two hours I couldn't take it anymore so I started cleaning the place up. I dusted and mobbed. I laid my cloths in my closet and noticed that they had added some of Marnie and Kim's cloths. I wonder if Sarah and Annie also have some of their cloths. I decide to keep them, even though some of them I would never wear. It was the only thing I had of them and I wasn't going to throw that away. I shower after that and pull on my shorts and one of Marnie's shirts. It was wide and hung over one shoulder. I decided to wear the necklace that Annie had gotten me yesterday, the owl necklace. When I was done I looked over my bedroom and decided it looked depressing. The only color came from the walls and my grandmother's necklace lying on my desk, next to the picture of my family. I needed to find something to hang it up.

When I was done, Michael woke up. He showered and we left the apartment together. Each of us had our own key. Sarah had laid mine next to the picture. I grab it and close the door behind us.

"Weird huh, our place," Michael commented and I agree while we walk to the Pit. We figure we would find our friends there: "Yeah, who would have ever thought that we would live together?"

"Yeah, I think hell froze over or something," Michael jokes and I am glad to see him joking again. The worry from before has vanished from his face. I laugh but it feels hollow for some reason. We join our friends and stay together for the rest of the day, until the funeral celebrations.

"Is it just me or does anyone else think this whole celebrating thing is weird?" Rob asks and sits down next to Annie. She leans against him and he lays his arm around her shoulders. We had placed ourselves at one of the tables in the pit and didn't interact with the other Dauntless. It's not like we really know anyone of them. The Dauntless born hadn't joined us yet.

"Yeah, I like the concept but getting drunk is just wrong if you ask me," Sarah tells us and takes another painkiller. We all agree with her. I have only been to one funeral in my life, the one they held for my grandmother. It was short and they recited her achievements and what she had meant to the faction. That was it. There was no party afterwards. Everyone went back to work. Logic doesn't allow the people of Erudite to wallow long their grief. My father told me that the deceased would want the people of Erudite to go back to work and make new discoveries. I liked it that way. It's short, but meaningful and you only have to make an appearance for a few minutes. It is expected of us to be here, for the whole night. I hate it.

"Some Dauntless traditions are just weird," Michael says and takes a sip of his bear. He asked for water, but Scott insisted he drank a bear. We all got drinks with alcohol in them, but no one has finished his or hers yet. Only Lucas and Sarah got water because of their medication. I snort at Michaels comment: "Some?"

"Okay, all of them," the boy smirked, but it looked forced. All of our smiles and smirks were forced today, but I guess that is normal. It felt unnatural without Marnie, Kim and Marc among us. I still expect them to walk into the Pit and join us, but that won't happen. I saw their lifeless bodies. I saw Kim's bloodstained face. There was no coming back for them. My eyes get burry for a second but I blink it away. No one notices it.

"There you guys are," Kane called from a crowd of Dauntless people. He was followed by his sister, Sigrid and Andrew. They joined us. Sigrid asked Sarah about her wounds and how she was holding up. The girl was nice. She seemed to get along good with Sarah. I haven't really talked to her before but I have a feeling she means well. Andrew was the silent type, what seemed out of character here in Dauntless. He usually listens during our conversations and when he talks to someone it's usually Sigrid and Sarah. The others engage in conversation, but it misses the usual relaxed atmosphere and the jokes. I notice that Victor wanted to make a joke a few times, but he stops himself. He and Marc were close, almost as close as he and his brother are. Lucas noticed it as well and he laid his arm around his brother's shoulder in comfort. Victor simply stared out in front of him and stayed out of the conversation for awhile. I sit next to Michael and try to listen to the conversation, but every time my deceased friends are brought up, it stings and I have to blink away the blurriness in my eyes. Michael notices it after a while and he lays his head on my shoulder. His hand grabs mine beneath the table. I hate it, but let him.

Everyone is here because of the funerals. Everyone who died during the attack would be remembered tonight. Everyone was here, including Eric. I hadn't seen him yet, but I was bound to run into him during some point of the evening. I cringed at the thought of having to face him. I felt like he knew how I reacted when I saw my friends, like he knows that I was capable of saying the things they needed to hear. The things he needed to hear as well, but what I wasn't capable of saying to him. I shake my head and try to focus my attention on something else.

I see Four talking to a group of people I have seen him with before. They appear to be his friends. They were drunk judging by the laughter coming from most members of the group and judging by the alcohol bottles standing at their feet. I shake my head at the weird tradition.

I hate funerals.

I suddenly realize that I never went to my parent's funeral. I don't even know if they held one in Erudite. Who would have been there? Why didn't they invite me? They were my parents. I had a right to be there. Why haven't I realized this sooner? What kind of moron am I? My parents die and I don't even wonder when the funeral would be. Marie was there on her own maybe. Michael's dad would have joined her, but it's not the same.

Why the hell haven't I heard anything about that?

My body must have betrayed me because Michael looked at me confused. I shook my head and ignored him. I let my eyes wonder threw the bar. They landed on Charlotte. She was standing alone behind the bar, washing glasses. Scott was talking to his friends. It always amazes me how chatty he is around his friends. He barely says a word to me.

"I am going to talk to Charlotte for a minute," I tell Michael and get up. I squeeze his shoulder to reassure him that I wasn't going to disappear again and he smiles weakly at me. Why am I capable of offering him the comfort he needs so easily, so effortless? It comes naturally for my friends. But I was never good friends with Michael before initiation. We only started getting along after we found out that we were both Divergents. That is the only reason we stopped being so nasty to each other. Well he was always meaner to me, but that changed. My relationship with Eric is very similar to the one I have with Michael actually. We didn't get along in the beginning either and we bonded with each other when he found out that I am Divergent and I found out that he was working with Jeanine.

That's a pretty messed up thing to bond over, but whatever.

So why can I offer Michael what he needs and not Eric? I want to, but I just… For some reason the words won't come. Maybe I am more honest with Eric. I will leave the compound again, I would bet money on it if I had any. But when my friends yell at me and show me how worried they were, it has more effect on me then when Eric tells me the same things. I get that he was worried and that he came after me for that reason, but it doesn't have the same effect on me. Why is it different?

"You look like you need a drink," Charlotte informs me when I sit down on the barstool in front of her. She lays her towel down and makes me a drink I hadn't tried before: "Here, you need this. Just drink it in one go and don't think."

I eye the drink suspiciously. It smells bad. I look at Charlotte, but she nods to me. I lift the glass to my lips and empty the glass. It tasted as bad as it smelled: "Urgh, why would you give me something that tastes so horrible?"

"Because of the buzz that will arrive in your head in five seconds," Charlotte informs me and my body feels warmer. The drink left a burning sensation in my throat and I could feel it all the way down to my stomach. It was a weird but not uncomfortable feeling. Charlotte grabs herself a drink and leans on her elbows: "Why are you trying to handling this evening sober?"

"No clue, it is a rather extremely slow and uncomfortable event," I answer honestly and Charlotte smiles. She tells me to take a sip of her drink. It's something fruity I didn't recognize: "There is a reason we all get pist during these nights. There is nothing great about dying, but it doesn't sound very Dauntless to all sit together and cry. Plus the alcohol helps down your senses and makes it easier to get threw nights like these, especially if you were close to the person who died."

"If you say so, it's still weird," I tell her and give her drink back. Charlotte chuckles and starts washing glasses again: "There is more on your mind, isn't there? Come on girl, spill. That's what I am here for."

"What makes you say that," I ask and lean my elbows on the counter. Was it that obvious that something was on my mind? I don't want my friends to notice or Eric. He doesn't need to know that he has been on my mind almost every minute of the day. It's kind of infuriating how he wheezes his way into all my thoughts. Charlottes chuckles again: "You are adorable sometimes, you know that. You are known to be this smart girl, but sometimes you are kind of an idiot and naïve."

"Okay," I say and find myself not really insulted by her words, but more curious to what they mean. I eye her to continue: "Something obviously happened between you and Eric, because else he would be standing next to you the whole evening and not having a laugh with his friends and Amber."

An immense amount of jealousy filled my body. I took another drink from Charlotte's glass to hide it, but she saw it anyway. She chuckled and I felt it very infuriating. I am so glad that my friends don't know about Eric. I don't think I could handle them giving me the same looks as the once Charlotte is giving me at the moment. I took another swing from her drink. She didn't mind and continued to wash glasses: "Spill Andy. Who else are you going to talk to about you and your secret boyfriend?"

I hate her right now for making a point.

"He ended it," I say in a low voice and make sure that no one is listening to our conversation. I feel a strong urge to look over my shoulder to find the man, but something tells me that I won't like what I would see. Images of Amber hanging on his arms fill my head and I curse at myself under my breath. Charlotte isn't too surprised by my news: "Well I figured that out already. The question is why? Wait, you said he broke it off."

"Yes."

"I guess that maybe he wanted someone older. You can't be surprised by that Andy, he is twenty three after all," Charlotte informs me and I almost throw her glass in her face. Just because that might be true, doesn't mean that I want to hear it. My expression betrays me, but Charlotte isn't impressed by it: "What? I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Besides the guy's a jerk. Everyone knows it, welcome to the club."

"That wasn't the reason he ended it," I spill and empty Charlotte's glass. She takes it and refills it. I curse myself for spilling that piece of information. I don't want to explain why Eric broke things off between us, but Charlotte wasn't going to let this one go. I sigh and continue: "I am a reckless idiot that doesn't really think about other people or their feelings."

"Goes to show that maybe he does have a heart," Charlotte points out and I ball my hands into fists. I really don't appreciate hearing her talk bad about Eric. I know he isn't perfect, but frankly I like the way he is (minus the whole involvement with Jeanine). I like that he's a dick sometimes and that he tells me off. I don't want someone who is afraid of me and my big mouth or the fact that I'm smart. I want someone who is intelligent and who makes fun of me. I know that he doesn't mean it and that it's just his way of making a joke. I know that he can be different, but for some reason he doesn't want people to see that side of him.

Maybe u should stop drinking alcohol, because frankly I am extremely annoyed with Charlotte right now and I am sure that it's because of the alcohol.

I get snapped out of my thoughts when Charlotte slaps me with her towel. I look at her angry and want to yell at her, but she beats me to it: "Stop thinking like that. It's pathetic. You can get better then a jerk like Eric and yes he is one. You don't know him like we do, not really. I'll bet that he can be nice when he wants to and when no one sees it, but frankly I don't buy it. He's an ass. I thought you were smarter."

I want to tell her shut up and back off, but she beats me to it again: "If he really was into you, he wouldn't let Amber throw herself at him the day after you guy's broke up. If he was really into you, he would be regretting his actions and his eyes would be following you around all night, especially because it's the funeral of three of your friends. I've seen the way you two make eyes before and I hate to break it to you, but he isn't doing any of those things tonight. So forget him and find someone better. There are enough guy's interested, trust me."

"What's that suppose to mean?" I spit out more aggressive then I intended too. Charlotte chuckles again. I hate it when she does that. Makes me feel like she is mocking me: "Honey that was a compliment. It is a mystery to me why you aren't capable of accepting them. Look, you are the number one initiate this year and frankly there haven't been many before who knew how to grab everyone's attention during initiation. You're smart, cute, and funny and you got balls. Those are qualities the men in Dauntless like here. Take a look around, you'll find someone in now time."

After that Charlotte went back to serving customers. I was glad for that. Talking to her hadn't helped me like I hoped it would. In fact I am ready to hit the training room to let off steam because frankly else I would end up punching someone in the face. I turn around on my seat and look at the people in the bar. The bar was packed and most of the people were very drunk. It was funny to see them act like idiots. I let my eyes linger on the men. I had to admit that Dauntless men were something else. They were tall and big and (as I recently have discovered) my interpretation of what a man should look like. The men in Erudite were too skinny to my taste. I once had a crush on a guy, but he was also pretty skinny. In fact he was very skinny, in an unhealthy way. He was older than me and I don't think he ever knew I existed. He left Erudite, but I never found out which faction he chose. Its funny how you can be attracted to someone you have never talked to before. But maybe the word attracted is too big for what I felt back then.

No Dauntless men were far better looking if you ask me. I suddenly notice two guys's looking at me. No, that's not looking, that's checking out. It sent a shiver down my spine and not a pleasant one. I quickly turned around on my chair again and told Charlotte I needed another drink. She gave me the same fruity drink from before. She wants to ask what's wrong, but we were interrupted by a sudden 'hey' to my left.

We both look at the man standing next to me. I haven't seen him before, but Charlotte offered him a smile. I guess she must know him. The man had short brown hair and was a head taller than me. He wore typical black Dauntless clothes and his arms were both covered in tattoos: "I am Jack, I am a Dauntless representative. I heard you were interested in working as one yourself."

I am flabbergasted and stare at the man standing next to me. Of all the things that I had imagined he would say, that was not among them. I need a minute to find my voice: "Eum, yes."

"My team and I are heading to Amity tomorrow, you should join us. It would be nice to have a female on the team," Jack jokes and orders a drink from Charlotte. She doesn't say anything and just observes us. Jack takes his bear and turns back to me: "We usually work with Amity, but also visit Abnegation and Candor. Dauntless doesn't really work a lot with those two factions and what needs to be discussed with them is usually done on the council meetings and Max takes care of that."

"And what about Erudite?" I ask, already knowing the answer, but I wanted to be sure. I don't want to run into Jeanine or Eric for that matter. Jack shakes his head and takes another swing from his bear: "No, that's Eric's territory. I wouldn't want to work with them to be honest. That Jeanine is a weirdo."

"Yeah, you can say that again," I reply and Charlotte offers me another beer. Jack eyes the bar and get's up suddenly: "Actually you should come meet the guy's. Come on."

Jack pulls me with him and I find myself almost falling on our way out of the bar. I stand on my legs wobbly. I should stop drinking. Charlotte is obviously trying to get me drunk. I take another swing from my bottle though. My friends see me leave the bar and I sent them a reassuring smile. They would probably send someone after me to make sure I was fine. I have a hard time keeping up with Jack. He's walking to fast; well maybe I am just moving to slow. Oh god, I'm drunk.

We walk past Eric and his friends. Amber is standing next to him. Her friends weren't with her. I cringe when I see the woman lay her arm around Eric's, while laughing at something that had been said. Eric didn't seem to be listening though. He was looking at the beer bottle that he was holding. There was no smile on his face. I wonder what he is thinking about. He must have felt my gaze, because he suddenly turns his head and catches me staring at him. I can't read his expression and force myself to follow Jack out of the bar. I can feel his eyes follow me.

"Hey guys, come meet the newest addition to our family," Jack calls over his teammates. He wasn't kidding when he said that they were an all male team. And they all looked about the size of Eric, what made me feel like a small little girl. Lovely. Jack smiles and introduces me: "These are Mason, Bennet, Boomer and the old man is the Captain."

I smile to the men, but feel my insides cringe when my eyes land on Boomer. I know him. I have fought with him. He's the guy Eric saved me from weeks ago. He recognizes me and doesn't seem to be pleased about me joining the team. Can't blame him, I would be annoyed too. I should just be an adult and let the past stay in the past, but for some reason (I blame the alcohol) I started laughing like a maniac: "You got to be joking!"

"What?"

"I am sorry, Jack this isn't going to work. I rather not have him kill me," I try to say when I have my laughter under control. I can't believe I started laughing. There are tears running down my face. What an impression am I making? Boomer is going to kill me now. Jack wants to say something, but Boomer beats him too it: "But what's life without the thrilling sensation of death on your heels."

"Frankly I have been confronted with death enough these last couple of weeks, so I could do with death bugging someone else," I reply and take a long sip from my bear. I cannot believe this is happening. I do not want to work with this guy. He is never going to let this happen. There is no way that…

"Well, at least I know she can throw a mean right hook," Boomer says after an uncomfortable minute of them all starring at me and Boomer. I lift my eyebrow at the man but he ignores it. Jack is the one to ask the question that they all have in their minds: "How do you guys know each other?"

"We had an argument once," I say slowly. I don't think it would be smart to mention that I sort of beat him and his buddies. Oh god, I hope he doesn't remember about Eric! Boomer grins and his teammates seem to understand what had happened. The Captain, who is the oldest member of the group (I am guessing he is around 50) sighed: "Boomer, I thought we taught you not to pick fights with little girls?"

"Yeah Boomer, that's just sad," Bennet told his teammate and they laughed. I felt slightly insulted. I watched the men for a couple of seconds. They seemed to be a group of people who make a lot of jokes at each other. You probably have to prove to them that they can't walk over you and that you have to be able to make snarky replies at them. I guess I'll test that theory: "Maybe he was lonely, but he didn't know the right way to approach a lady. Speaking of which, why aren't there any other women on this team?"

"Because no one wants to put up with us," Mason answers me and Bennet asks me if I am having cold feet already. I snicker: "So you guys are the rejects of the compound? I suddenly realize why I am getting this job offer."

"You betcha," Jack replies and takes another swing from his beer: "We can't help it that you women are so hard to please."

"Yeah, I thought women liked men who can crack a few jokes," Bennet said and he laid his arm around my shoulder. He was the same height as Jack and Mason for that matter. He and Mason had a darker skin complexion. Not as dark as Tabassum, but somewhere in between. Both had dark, curly hair, but Mason had brown eyes and Bennet had blue once. The Captain was the shortest member of the group. He has the same height as me. His hair was slightly gray and he had a couple of wrinkles on his forehead. I didn't have an answer for Bennet, but the Captain did: "They do, but you can only make sexist and perverted jokes and that doesn't turn a woman on, you idiot."

"Yeah, you might want to get used to that. These guys aren't used to behaving around a lady," Jack informs me and Boomer laughs loudly. He doubled over from it: "This one? A lady? You got to be kidding me! Even I would be a more suiting woman."

"He's right, he would look better in a dress. You have such sexy ankles Boomie," I shoot back at him and the others laugh. They seem like a fun group of men. Weird and probably challenging on some levels, but I had a good feeling with them. Their ages were very different. Jack was the youngest, besides me. I am guessing late twenties. Mason and Bennet were somewhere in their thirties, while Boomer was probably around forty years old.

I talked with the men for quite some time and if it wasn't for Michael and the others leaving, I would have probably stayed longer. The men were fun and I was looking forward to tomorrow. We would leave early, but Jack told me he would pick me up at my place. He lived close by apparently. We would meet the others at the garage where all the cars and trucks of Dauntless are parked. I am secretly very excited about leaving the compound tomorrow.

When I left with my friends I saw Eric talk to Four. Amber wasn't standing with him. I was very pleased, but kept it off my face. I'm pretty sure that Sarah saw me looking in Eric's way. My friends were happy that Jack had offered me a job. Annie was worried when she saw them, but I assured her that they were okay. Well, I hope that it will be okay tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I know from who Jack heard that I wanted to become a representative for Dauntless and I can't imagine that he would let me work with people that he didn't trust. Besides it doesn't matter anymore. I wanted this job and I can handle these guys. The others would meet Max, Four and Eric for job hunting. I was glad that I got myself out of that. I wonder if Max will approach Michael about the leadership position.

"Night Michael, Night Andy," Sarah calls from her bedroom as I crawl in my bed. I had gotten my blankets earlier. It was weird lying in this bed. It didn't feel as mine, but I am still used to those old mattresses in the initiate's dorm. Michael replied Sarah with a grunt. I guess he is already on his way to dreamland.

"Night guys."

What do you guy's think? Andy needs to move on and start her future in Dauntless. Did this offer pop up to random or not?

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