Unwritten Rules of the SGC
Chapter 1
It started off as a simple sheet of near blank paper on the noticeboards, taking the spot previously inhabited by Feretti's betting odds.
1. Pressing random buttons while a teammate is standing on a platform resembling a Star Trek Transporter Pad is Forbidden. Anyone found guilty of doing so from now on will be sent to Antarctica without cold weather gear.
SG-7 had come back from P1-269 with the SGC's resident Ancient, a former Technical Student from Atlantis named Emrys (now Orion Emrys) as an anthropomorphic, bipedal rough collie, the week before and neither he, Daniel nor an Asgard sent as a favour from Thor could figure out how to turn him back, though apparently he still counted as an Ancient as far as left over tech was concerned.
1a. If the Red Dwarf jokes don't stop someone's going to get hurt!
Carter's prediction came true when SG-2 wound up in Janet's care with numerous blunt force trauma injuries and several broken bones.
The next note came a week later, curiously in Emrys' paw writing.
2. If someone switches out the Coffee again, find a steel helmet, flak jacket and a hiding place.
Nerds + Underground Bunker + Decaf = PAIN
Seven people were sent to the Infirmary the night before as the scientists went into caffeine withdrawal, Daniel was sporting a black eye and two researchers were sporting scratch marks after trying to invade The Five Points (SG-7's private hideaway/relaxation spot one level above the gate room) in search of decent coffee.
The next was in General Hammond's handwriting.
3. Official reports are not to start with 'Once upon a time…', 'In a galaxy far far away…', 'In a hole in the ground…' and so on, these are Official Reports, the people who sign our paychecks and budget allowances read them, it is unprofessional behaviour like this the bean counters use to justify budget cuts.
Jack O'Neill wrote the next one.
3. Grenades are not toys!
SG-5 had gotten bored one day and had gone to an empty planet with a week's supply of grenades and four baseball bats.
3a. C-4 is not playdoh!
When the Grenades were locked away, SG-5 improvised.
4. The next person to call the Infirmary Colditz, Alcatraz or Riker's Island will be made to sit through a Full Physical Examination.
Jack would fall mysteriously silent whenever the Infirmary was mentioned around him after this rule went up.
5. Organising breakouts from the Infirmary are not worth it!
Jack, Feretti, SG-4, SG-7 and SG-12 learned this the hard way when they came back from their next missions.
6. 'How hard can it be?', 'Nothing can go wrong', and 'What could happen?' are never to be said, on base or off-world, SG-1 learned the hard way that Murphy has it in for the SGC.
'I really need to keep my mouth shut,' Jack thought as he put the rule up, he'd lost count of how many times Jaffa had ambushed his team when one of them tempted Murphy.
7. 'It followed me home' is not a valid excuse.
SG-2 came home with a three foot tall animal that looked like a cross between a wolf and a stag, it was apparently omnivorous and by some stroke of luck house broken. It was now very fond of Carter and Janet, spending most of its time with one of them. Hammond only allowed it to stay after it charged and knocked down Kinsey for insulting one of Carter's projects.
8. 'Why?' is not a question a CO likes to hear.
Jack knew that one wouldn't stand for long.
8a. The Science staff want it on record, we are paid to ask 'Why, What, How, Who, You want it to do what' and 'Do you speak insert language here?'
Nope, it didn't.
9. Drinking songs are not to be sung off world.
Three were now hits on Tangrean radio stations.
10. Camera films are to be developed on base. I Shouldn't Have To Say This People!
Daniel wondered who was now hiding from General Hammond.
Jack and Feretti had to laugh when they saw the next one.
11. Today is not a good day to die!"
The next was in Siler's writing.
12. The MALP is not a toy!
12a. If you catch someone riding it, don't quote Armageddon, tell them to get the F&!* off.
The next followed SG-7 returning to base a week later, with Emrys walking hand in hand with a curvy and well endowed, blue furred, anthropomorphic vixen, both blushing like high school teens.
13. If you don't know what a native ritual entails, don't get involved, you might end up with a wife, missing body parts, tattoos or covered in dye.
Both Daniel and Emrys had been married due to ignorance of native rituals, though the latter didn't volunteer. He was singled out by a jealous suitor aiming to win Krystal's (the vixen's) hand, who had in turn had kept sneaking looks at Emrys, but was soundly beaten by Emrys who'd earned his bar killing larger, stronger and Tougher Jaffa.
Feretti came back three days before with an impressive Celtic style tattoo on his back but was confined to the infirmary for a week to make sure the local inks and dyes wouldn't have a negative reaction.
No one knew why Sergeant Baker came back the next day looking like a smurf and SG-4 weren't talking, Janet confirmed later he'd been completely 'smurfed'.
SG-10 was just glad to get home with Sergeant Turner still male.
14. Do not tease/provoke the natives. The British Army learned the hard way that enough men with spears can wipe out an army with state of the art weapons. The British had over 1300 men at Isandlwana, You have Five tops.
SG-4 came back battered, bruised and slightly bloody and Hammond could be heard chewing them out three floors up for over an hour.
15. The Kama Sutra is NOT an acceptable example of Earth Culture.
Daniel had a sinking feeling about what the next one would be.
16. A list of banned items, literature, CDs and DVDs is now posted outside the Barracks, General's Office and the Commissary, Read it people!
Jack shook his head at the next one.
17. Anyone caught smuggling banned items out will receive one week's unpaid leave.
The next followed an hour's shouting from Hammond and the absence of SG-2.
18. Anyone caught planting banned items in an outgoing teams gear will be sent to Antarctica without cold weather issue or pay for two weeks per individual offence, an Individual Offence is a Single Banned Item.
The next two followed SG-3 being ambushed by Jaffa.
19. No betting or arguing about odds is to take place off world.
20. Feretti holds the book, if you want to place a bet see him.