A/N: It's this time of the year again, however, unlike last year, this summer we've got the saddest imaginable starting point for a post-finale DE fic :[ Oh well. Damon will be back, so let's not wallow in our grief too much :]

I was going to include a fun fact here and say that this fic will contain storylines that I hope won't happen in the show, but enlightening conversations with some wonderful people and writing this fic actually made me warm up to the storylines in question, so I'm all good now ;)

As usual, I'm planning on this story to have 22 chapters and I'll try to update at least once a week :)

Summary: Post-5x22. Damon and Bonnie are dead and everyone is struggling with the loss. But not everyone is ready to let go. Damon/Elena, Jeremy/Bonnie, Stefan/Caroline, Damon/Bonnie friendship, lots of other friendships and guest appearances from The Originals.

Disclaimer: The Vampire Diaries belongs to L.J. Smith & CW. The credit for the title goes to... philosophy & mathematics ;)

If & Only If

Chapter 1

"I will make it back to you, I promise you."

"Damon."

He couldn't decide if the note of annoyance in the person's voice was more disappointing or comforting. It was disappointing, because it meant the dream was over. But it was also comforting, because it was real. Something was real. Something was still really happening.

Damon's eyes blinked open. "Bonnie?"

"Oh, good. I thought you were- Well," Bonnie snorted hollowly and trailed off with a sigh.

Running his hand through his hair with a grimace, Damon sat up and slowly looked around. "Why are we still here?" He asked in bafflement, but with the level of energy that made Bonnie's eyes dart to him with an ambiguous mixture of irritation and relief.

"Where?" Bonnie deadpanned, drawing up her knees and resting her chin on them. They were dead and that was it and whatever delusional thoughts were brewing in Damon's mind right now, she wasn't going to join in.

Bonnie inhaled and exhaled slowly. Although she was willing to forgive his attitude, for perhaps the ability to have delusional thoughts brewing in one's mind at all wasn't the best proof of being dead.

"Did the Other Side disintegrate and we're... nowhere or is this still the Other Side?" Despite Bonnie's lack of enthusiasm, Damon continued undeterred, looking around, but not seeing anything at all except for infinite space, complete whiteness stretching in all directions. He tried to touch the ground they were apparently sitting on, but his hand went right through the white... surface? space? He made a face.

"You're just trying to make conversation, right?" Bonnie asked grumpily.

Damon's eyes darted to her and Bonnie was taken a little aback by just how comforting it was to look at something real and familiar, even if it was a sarcastic expression on the face of someone she barely tolerated.

"Well, this can't be heaven, because I'm here and this can't be hell, because you're here," Damon observed wryly.

"Wow. That's got to be the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Bonnie retorted flatly.

Damon's eyes widened in mock-astonishment. "I thought we were best friends now. What with the hand-holding and all."

Bonnie narrowed her eyes at him. "I thought we were about to dissipate into oblivion."

"But we didn't," Damon said with fake cheerfulness... or perhaps not so fake, Bonnie wasn't entirely sure. "Any idea why?" Damon murmured with a frown, looking around again, but not finding anything new to look at.

Bonnie lifted her head, shifting her gaze from her feet to Damon's face. "Actually... yes," she said quietly. Damon's eyes moved back to her. "Grams... I saw her and... she didn't say anything specific. I just... She just... She seemed so glad and I thought... I just thought she was trying to make me feel unafraid, but now I remember that there was that glint in her eyes, like... like when she'd get me a birthday gift she knew I'd be crazy about." For a moment Bonnie's face lit up, but a happy, reminiscing smile was soon gone and her expression became grim again.

"You must not have had very high birthday presents expectations, if this place is any indication," Damon said with a mirthless smile.

Bonnie shot him an annoyed look. "Would you rather be dead dead right now, stripped of all conscious thought and memories?"

To Bonnie's surprise, instead of dishing out a snappy retort, Damon wrinkled his forehead and his lips twitched into a faint smile. "No, I wouldn't," he said barely above a whisper, looking away, and Bonnie gritted her teeth. She could still hear Jeremy calling her name at the top of his lungs in wild desperation, his voice echoing in her head so loudly she had to close her eyes to keep her tears at bay.

"Do you think we can make it back?" Bonnie blurted out, breaking through some tumultuous inner battle between hope and exhaustion, long weeks filled with pain that came with being the anchor making her shudder even as they were now a mere memory, most likely about to fade, like all others.

Slowly, Damon's eyes shifted back to her and for a moment she thought she saw in his eyes a glimpse of something that mirrored exactly that exhaustion she was feeling. She saw long, dark shadows of those 173 years – and a sense of peace evoked by the certainty that there could be no more pain, no more guilt, sadness, despair, disappointment.

With bitter relief, she felt the hope in her heart give in to growing exhaustion that was slowly swallowing up everything else, and she found solace in the realization that it wasn't just her longing for being at peace, that it wasn't just her-

But then Bonnie blinked and that glimpse was gone from Damon's gaze as if it had never been there, his lips stretching into a lop-sided smile, his eyes lighting up, heating up with that love that she, that no one had given a chance until it burst into something so real and so strong that it could burn all the obstacles like a wildfire.

Damon rose to his feet. "We can try," he said in a low, steady voice, looking around.

Bonnie winced, recoiling inwardly on her inability to make his attitude ignite her enthusiasm.

"I'm so tired," she breathed before she managed to stop herself, a pang of something akin to shame piercing through her heart. She didn't want to be dead. She wanted to get back to Jeremy with all her heart and yet there was something that was holding her back. "Maybe I haven't gone mad like Amara, but every time I looked at myself in the mirror these past few weeks, I saw someone who was fading away," Bonnie spoke in a hurried, blank voice, not looking at Damon who turned around and regarded her conscientiously, "and not only because of my pain," Bonnie continued quietly, "but because of all those people, all that pain and suffering they carried with them. I feel like I've become someone else. Like I aged a thousand years. Maybe Jeremy is going to be better off without me," she trailed off, choking on the words and catching her lower lip between her teeth, a few tears escaping from under her eyelids when she squeezed them shut, wrapping her arms around herself, a tremor running through her.

"Do you want to know what I see?"

Bonnie opened her eyes and looked at Damon who was squatting down in front of her, his tone matter-of-fact, but his eyes glimmering with the kind of cordial mischief she wasn't really used to.

"I see the girl who went from a reeling skeptic to a powerful witch in a flash. Who was always trying to do the right thing. Who went to take on Klaus all by herself. Who died to save her friends."

Bonnie was quiet for a few moments before she said in a perfectly no-nonsense tone. "You're just saying that, because you want me to help you to get back to Elena."

"I'm saying that, because it's true," Damon replied in all seriousness, then made a dramatic pause and added quickly. "And because I want you to help me to get back to Elena."

Bonnie chuckled, but then her expression suddenly changed and she jumped to her feet. "Grams!"

Damon sprung to his feet as well and turned around.

"I didn't think you'd bring company," Sheila said with a serene smile.

"Yes, well, this seemed like fun, so I decided to tag along," Damon said, narrowing his eyes in a brief smile.

"You can get us out of here," Bonnie whispered, her words coming out more like a statement than a question, her eyes widening with hope, even though a rational part of her was still considering the idea completely impossible.

Sheila took a few steps toward them and stopped in front of Bonnie, reaching out for her granddaughter's hand and squeezing it tightly. Glancing at Damon, with a good-humored reluctance she also took his hand in hers.

"You died a good death." Sheila said gently. "You died saving other people. That's why I managed to ensure that you can get another chance."

Bonnie's face brightened and she glanced at Damon, but a shadow of wariness on his face sent cold shivers up her spine. "Another chance?" Bonnie echoed uncertainly, looking back at her grandmother.

"That's all I can do, Bonnie," Sheila said with the faintest trace of regret in her voice. Bonnie stared at her with tears gathering in her eyes, a vague sense of dread flooding her senses. "When I let go of your hand, you'll wake up somewhere with no past, but with a chance to build a new future. You'll lose your memories, but you'll be alive. You'll get another chance to live."

"No!" Bonnie protested impulsively, accidentally almost tearing her hand out of Sheila's grasp, but her grandmother's grip was strong enough and she didn't let go. "I don't want that!" Bonnie shook her head in frenzy, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I don't want to forget Jeremy! I don't want to forget my friends! They are the reason why I even want to be alive! I don't want to forget everything that happened to me! Good or bad, all those things happened to me. It was my life, Grams! I don't want a different one." Bonnie's fingernails dug into her grandmother's hand in a desperate attempt to make her understand, and it seemed she did, but she was also looking at them with the look in her eyes that was so serene that it almost terrified Bonnie. "We don't want that!" Bonnie added quickly, resorting to group power of persuasion, her eyes darting to Damon. Regardless of their differences, she was certain that this was something they'd agree on. There was no way Damon would be OK with forgetting Elena.

"We could make our way back," Damon whispered and Bonnie frowned, shaking her head as if she was trying to shake off the illusion of hearing the words she was clearly not hearing.

"What?" Bonnie stared at Damon in apprehension, watching his profile, his eyes fixed on an indefinite point in space and she could see the distress and despair edged into his features, but he repeated his words and looked at her and she took a sharp intake of breath at the realization that she had heard him correctly. "How?" Bonnie asked in a faltering voice, staring at him with wide eyes. "How will we make it back? If we land somewhere, maybe very far away, with no memories, how do we ever make it back?"

"I don't know," Damon said soundlessly, finally turning his eyes to her. He grimaced and shook his head, steadying his voice and speaking with determination that felt to Bonnie both annoyingly intimidating and soothing. "But what I do know is that if we stay here and really die, we'll never make it back."

"You can either take this chance or stay here and find peace," Bonnie's grandmother confirmed slowly.

Bonnie winced, shaking her head in helpless frustration.

"Here is the thing, child," Sheila said softly, squeezing Bonnie's hand in hers. "You'll find your happiness. I promised you that, remember?" She smiled and Bonnie tried to smile through her tears.

"Grams-"

"You'll find your way to the place, to the people that are your happiness, wherever that is, whoever they are," Sheila said in a solemn, urgent tone, her eyes boring into Bonnie's with all the love she had for her.

And then with one last smile she suddenly let go of both Bonnie's and Damon's hands.

xxxdelenaxxx

"But I can't see you!" Elena complained, stifling a giggle.

The setting summer sun was casting long rays of light through open windows, thin curtains billowing in the wind.

"That's the point," Damon replied with a smile, tying up the blindfold on the back of Elena's head, his fingers tangling in her hair.

"How could that ever be the point?" Elena muttered with sincerity that made Damon laugh.

He wrapped his arms around her and she snuggled into his embrace with a smile.

"You mute one sense to enhance all others," Damon said, pressing a series of kisses to Elena's shoulder.

She turned around in his arms, "I don't like not seeing you." Blindly reaching out, Elena traced the outline of his face with her fingertips.

"I'm still here," Damon whispered, slowly inclining his head forward, smiling into the kiss when Elena's lips met his half-way.

"I have a better idea," Elena said, abruptly drawing back and pulling the blindfold off her head, toying with it in her hand for a second, before quickly sliding it over Damon's eyes. "Let's play hide and seek."

Brushing her lips against his, Elena scooted off the bed with a laugh, running bare-footed toward the door, but before she stepped out of their bedroom and despite being blindfolded, Damon zoomed exactly in front of her, swept her into his arms and threw her back onto their bed.

"Hey!" Elena protested, laughing under her breath, her hands pinned on either side of her head.

"Found you!" Damon explained with a small shrug, the blindfold tickling Elena as he slowly dragged his lips across her collarbones.

Elena chuckled. "You didn't even give me a chance to hide! I can hide really, really well," she said, reaching out, tugging the blindfold off Damon's head and tossing it onto the pile of books stashed on the nightstand.

"So can I," Damon said widening his eyes at her with a lop-sided smile.

He glanced away, about to move, but then Elena's hands flew to his shoulders, keeping him in place.

His eyes wandered thoughtfully around her suddenly completely serious face and they exchanged faint smiles, before Damon leaned down, his mouth pressing against Elena's in a warm kiss.

"Don't go," Elena whispered, her own words reverberating strangely in her head. "Don't go," she repeated, but they were still kissing, so she couldn't be saying the words out loud, yet it seemed to her that she was. "Don't go."

"Elena."

The dream gently dispersed, images fading away even as she was clinging to them with exhausted, bereaved desperation.

"Elena."

With an inward sob Elena realized that she had only been dreaming. Again. She was dreaming of that summer which now seemed both centuries away and still here, her heart remembering every moment with vengeance.

She felt so protective of each memory, especially because lately almost everyone was trying to divert her attention from them and while she didn't doubt everyone's best intentions, they didn't seem to understand that she wasn't getting lost in her memories. She would've been lost without them.

"Elena!..."

Jeremy's voice was quiet, but insistent and at this point a little impatient, his hold on Elena's arm tightening as he was lightly shaking her in en effort to wake her up.

Elena's eyes blinked open and she abruptly pulled herself to a sitting position, bringing her hand to her forehead. "I don't know when I fell asleep," she mumbled with a frown, looking around the darkish room with unseeing eyes.

The room looked unfamiliar even after almost six months of living in this house that Alaric had rented for the three of them. The boarding house was situated within the magic-free zone, so living there was not an option, at least not until they'd figure out a solution to that. Sometimes Elena wondered if it was for the better or for worse and she couldn't decide on an answer.

"Shhh," Jeremy waved his hand in a silencing gesture, feeling a usual twinge of pain at the sight of Elena's eyes that now seemed permanently veiled with tears. "We're ten minutes behind the schedule. Get up," he whispered, resuming a resolute tone, reminding himself that any other tone was not going to help at all.

Elena nodded and quickly pushing the covers off her slid her feet into her shoes and stood up. She was already fully dressed. Absently, in an automatic gesture she brushed the tears off her cheeks with the backs of her hands.

"I'm ready," she whispered, pulling a small carry-on from under the bed.

Jeremy watched her, momentarily transfixed by something overwhelmingly forlorn and pitiful about Elena's demeanor and he wondered, for just a second, if that was how they both appeared to everyone lately.

But then the memory of Bonnie's eyes flitted through his head, her laughter reverberating in his ears and shaking himself out of the unhelpful reverie, Jeremy checked the straps of his backpack before tossing it onto his back and zipping up his jacket, his movements decisive and swift.

"Did you tell Stefan?" He asked in a whisper, soundlessly pushing the window open.

Elena wiggled her hands into the slightly too long for her sleeves of Damon's jacket and glanced out of the window before carefully dropping her suitcase on a bed of flowers below.

"I wanted to, but... he'd tell Caroline and Caroline would've us sent to Disney World in straight jackets for three months or something."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Jeremy said with a sigh. "So it's just us," he added with a small, encouraging smile, holding out his hand and helping Elena step on the window sill.

"Yes." Elena tried to smile, but failed, and Jeremy's expression froze for a moment when the moonlight flooding through the window illuminated Elena's face, showing just how enormous the dark circles under her eyes were. He made a mental note to ask her if she was drinking enough blood. Vampires didn't get sick and yet she was being listless and feverish and seemed very much regularly ill these past months. "Let's go," Elena whispered before jumping out of the window.

Jeremy followed right after her and they both noiselessly made their way through the garden and toward the car parked on the curb of the street. Very quietly, they opened the trunk, placed their luggage there and then got into the car.

"Passports?" Jeremy asked just to double-check before starting the engine.

Elena nodded. "We have everything," she said, fastening her seat belt with shaking hands.

Clenching his teeth, Jeremy drew a breath, shifting his eyes from Elena's hands to her face.

"Hey, I have a good feeling about this," he said on an impulse in the most convincing tone he could muster, leaning toward Elena and waiting for her to look at him.

She did and he gathered all of his strength to put a real smile on his face. Elena's eyes widened a little, the veil of tears still there, but now there was also genuine hope shimmering in them and Jeremy suddenly found himself submerged in that hope as well, fully believing the words he had just said.

"I know this is a stupid analogy to make," he continued after a pause, "but... do you remember what mom said when my hamster had run away?"

"That if he loves you as much as you love him, he'll come back," Elena said quietly, looking at her hands.

"And he did. And he never ran away again," Jeremy said, slowing down before taking a turn into the main street.

Elena looked up and after a moment of silence said in a low voice. "Because you got him three hamster wheels."

Jeremy's eyes darted to her and he felt even more hopeful about the whole venture thanks to Elena's feeble attempt at humor. "No," he said, shaking his head, "because I explained to him that it makes me sad when he runs away."

Elena smiled brokenly and straightened up in her seat, glancing out of the window and then closing her eyes and gritting her teeth, because lately, every road looked the same to her.

"You want what everybody wants."

Lately, everything around her seemed to exist only as a trigger for memories.

"What? Mysterious stranger who has all the answers?"

Elena dug her fingernails into the fabric of her seat, but despite the pain tearing through her, she clung to the vision in her head... because lately, reliving memories was the only way to live.

"I will make it back to you."

Pressing her forehead against the cold window, Elena squeezed her eyes shut, feeling hot tears gather behind her closed eyelids.

"I promise you."