Chapter 4

Nyota wasn't noticeably different after Spock left, aside from the fact that took a lot of extra shifts. Then again, from what Jim knew of her, she wasn't the type to bawl her eyes out in the company of a small group of supportive females— she'd save any tears she may be shedding for the privacy of her own quarters.

Jim tried to keep things light between them. He made his jokes, but didn't message her or try to get her alone. He found that when he pushed, she ran. He'd have given anything to be the one she was running to, but Spock's leaving hadn't produced that effect. It was frustrating, and he took that frustration out in the ship gym, or by swimming laps in the pool until his arms ached and his chest felt it would explode.

Bones, who Jim would say hands down was his best friend, couldn't understand why he didn't just choose another woman. "God knows you've got enough of them giving you the eye, man," McCoy pointed out. It was true; there were other women on board obviously attracted to him. Jim wasn't stupid nor did he miss the wide smiles or the occasional bend over when he passed by a few of them. But he couldn't pursue anyone else. He stayed professional, no matter how attractive the woman. He wasn't interested in flings anymore. Those days were over with; he no longer wanted his promiscuity to define him. Jim wanted to prove himself to Nyota, that he was capable of being entirely committed, that he was serious about his feelings for her. He didn't use the word love lightly.

Weeks passed.

One night, after too many shots of whiskey, Jim found himself staring at the digital pages of a lingerie magazine. Thumb sliding across the smooth screen, he flipped through until he found something perfect for Nyota—a lacy pale blue thong that he knew would look amazing against her skin. There was a tiny pink bow in the middle, which made Jim grin to himself, imagining removing the undergarment with his teeth as she raised her hips up so he could work the panties over her toned legs. "Jim," she would sigh, the way she always did when they were intimate. He missed the intimacy, missed sharing private moments with her undivided attention.

Before he had realized it, he had copied and pasted the image into his computer replicator to be duplicated. He was certain it would be a perfect fit. Moments later, the lingerie was finished, so Jim carefully gift wrapped and sent it through the inter-mail system. He left his name off, of course.

Two days later, his Communications Officer marched up to the table where he was sitting with Bones and dropped down before them as they were finishing breakfast in the mess hall. "Captain, a word. In private."

"Good morning to you, too Uhura," McCoy said, a usual scowl crossing his face.

"Good morning, Doctor," she said, and then snapped her head back towards Jim. Her eyes burned into his, but he purposely played it cool. "Mmhmm that is the good stuff!" he said, licking hot sauce of his finger. He flashed Nyota an innocent grin. "What's up, Lieutenant?"

Nyota glared at him. "I said in private."

"But I'm not done eating—"

"The eggs are gone! You're finished!"

"Well, now, look here, I've already got a headache and I don't need to be in the middle of this. So I'll take my leave," McCoy said, picking up his breakfast tray and walking off.

As soon as McCoy was out of earshot, Nyota leaned in closer to Jim and hissed, "The little gift I got in the mail? Are you serious?"

He mocked seriousness. "They didn't fit?"

She pressed her lips together, shaking her head. For a moment, Jim wondered if she would reach across the table and smack him, which he supposed he would have deserved. Finally, she said, "If you wanted to send me a present, why not flowers? Why not…I don't know…a poem, chocolates?"

Jim laughed. "A poem and flowers…you know that's not me—"

"What I know is that our relationship is not going to be based off of sex."

"So we're in a relationship now, even though you haven't let me touch you in a month and you barely speak to me?"

The mess hall was starting to become busy. It wasn't the best time to do this, have this argument, but Nyota continued, "You know what I've been dealing with! It's insensitive as hell and I don't want your present. I'm getting rid of them!"

Jim frowned at her. "At least let me see them on!"

"You're ridiculous!" she snapped before standing up and stalking off.

The next time they passed each other in the halls, Jim grabbed Nyota's elbow and quickly pulled her off to the side.

"Hey! What are you doing—"

"I thought about what you said. I'm sorry I sent you the underwear. You have every right to be mad. I don't want you to think it's a game to me, because it's not, and it's not just about sex with you. I'll prove it. Come to my room after your shift. I'll cook for you," he said. He watched her brows furrow as she looked down at the floor, saying nothing.

"I won't touch you. I promise," Jim stressed.

"Fine." She brushed some hair off her face and nodded. "I'll be there around 2000 hours."

"Great. See you then."

When she came into his quarters, still dressed in her uniform, he already had things ready, including replicated vintage wine and scented candles. He handed her a bouquet of flowers, all colors and sizes. "Roses are too cliché," he explained as she took her bundle from him.

"Jim…" she breathed, looking around. "I didn't mean for you to do all of this." She stood on her toes and kissed him quickly. "Thank you. They're beautiful. I don't know how it's going to look with me leaving your place with flowers, but I appreciate them all the same," she said with a small smile. She bent to pull off her boots before following him into his kitchen area.

"Who cares if someone sees you leaving with flowers?"

"That would be inappropriate. You're not supposed to be carrying on relations with your subordinates."

"You're more than a subordinate, Nyota. If I say that you and I are together, then everyone will have to accept it," Jim said. They sat down across from each other at his table.

"Some people would file complaints. Conflict of interest, accusations of favoritism…"

"I don't think people care as much as you think they do."

"Why wouldn't they? We're all traveling together in five year intervals. I can just see people watching every move I make, trying to say I only get permission to do things because I'm sleeping with the Captain."

"You're not the type to care what other people think."

"Usually I'm not, but I always want to be fair."

"You would be. You always have been. I think being my woman would make you even more so."

Their eyes met across the table and Nyota's cheeks colored noticeable. "Anyway, how did you know I was in the mood for vermicelli?" she asked quickly.

"I know you better than you think."

"And you believe that wholeheartedly, don't you?" she said, taking a nervous gulp from the glass he had poured for her.

"Pretty much. I've known you for five years. But in the event I've missed a few details, why don't you tell me something I don't know?"

She swirled her noodles around in the bowl with her fork and scooped some into her mouth. "I'm not afraid of snakes."

He laughed as he speared a piece of shrimp with his own fork. "Noted. Nyota isn't afraid to chop the head off an anaconda, should it be required. Something else."

She chewed, thinking. "I've never made a B in my life."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I already knew that. You don't think I've read your files?"

"Stalker!"

"It's actually a requirement for all Captains to know the academic history of every member on board. So no, not quite a stalker. Tell me something else."

She took another sip of wine. "Lieutenant Martin likes you. Wants you, is more like it."

"From the medical bay? What makes you say that?"

"I heard her talking about you. Basically saying she wanted to rip your clothes off and jump on you. So you know…maybe you should give her a chance."

Jim reached for her hand. "I want to give us a chance."

She glanced at his fingers covering her own, but didn't pull away. "You promised you wouldn't touch me."

"I was doing fine until you kissed me."

"That kiss didn't even last long enough to cause arousal."

"You'd be surprised what just thinking about you can do to me."

"I wonder how many times you've used that line."

Jim let out an exasperated sigh, letting her go and falling back in his seat. "There you go again, coming up with reasons to doubt my sincerity."

"Because I've seen you in action, Jim. I can't help but to feel like you're only going out of your way because I'm giving you a hard time."

"Why are you giving me a hard time?"

She sighed, biting her lower lip. She stared at him for a moment before saying, "I'm willing to bet the moment I agree to be with you, you get bored and everything changes. When's the last time you were in a serious relationship?"

"I haven't had time, for one, and I've been pining for one woman for a while, so that makes it kind of difficult to make a commitment."

"Ugh. Please, Jim."

"Nyota, you're different. You and I would be different. Stop imagining reasons why we shouldn't work. We would work. I know that. I've always known that."

"No, you've always wanted to have sex with me."

"Well, yeah because you're ridiculously gorgeous and smart and you give me boundaries I've never had…but I'm not happy just having sex."

"Neither am I," Nyota said, draining her wine glass. "Maybe we shouldn't have sex anymore."

They ate in silence for the next few moments, though Jim's appetite was gone. Finally, after pushing his food around on his plate for too long, he said glumly, "So you choose him."

Nyota dropped her fork, putting put her head in her hands. "I don't know…I don't know…"

"I do. It's pretty obvious the person you really love is him. Even after he left you to go make babies with some other woman, you're still holding on. I get it. I'll make the decision for you. Don't worry about it anymore. It can be over. No hard feelings." Jim got up and took their almost empty plates to his refresher, dumping them in.

"You're wrong," she whispered.

"Wrong?"

"It's not as simple as you're making it seem. Spock has his ways, and you have yours. You're two completely men. You are the polar opposite of Spock."

"Here we go, I can already hear it so I'll spare you from having to shove my nose in it. Yes, Nyota, I am impulsive and unpredictable. I'll never be content to live a mediocre life, but nobody who comes to Starfleet wants to live a mediocre life. That includes you—"

"Why did you tell me you you loved me?" Nyota suddenly interrupted.

Jim paused, caught off guard. "I said it because it's the truth."

"Why is it the truth?"

"Because…" He broke off, remembering that first time when he'd seen her. The trouble he'd caused that night, and all because of her. "Because when you left the bar with the other cadets after I got into that fight, I didn't care about anything else afterwards except seeing you again. Captain Pike talked to me about enlisting and I thought it was the biggest joke in the world, until I got home and thought about the fact that you'd be there. I wanted—no, I had to see you again. And I thought about making Captain on the fast track because I wanted to impress you, to prove to you I wasn't the slime bag you thought I was. I changed my life that night. I changed for you. You made me a better person. You made me a better man, and I'll tell anyone who asks. I'm Captain of the Enterprise because of you, because I wanted you to be...I don't know...proud of me, I guess."

She took a deep breath, blinking back tears. "I am proud of you," she whispered. She came over to him, and sat in his lap. She kissed him, gently, before putting her arms around his neck. The perfume she must have sprayed that morning still lingered near the base of her throat.

"You win," she said, kissing the top of his head affectionately. Jim pulled away to look up at her, his hand reaching out to touch her face. "Nyota, I want you by my side," he said quietly. "I don't want to lose you. Not on a mission. Not when he comes back. Not ever."

"Then take me with you, wherever you go. Take me anywhere," she whispered. He fisted a handful of her hair, pulling her face against his, his mouth pressed fiercely to hers. But just as she shifted her body against his more comfortably, his intercom went off.

"Captain," the voice interrupted, "You're needed on the bridge."

Jim released Nyota with a sigh, his hands still on her hips. "I'm on my way," he called out.

Nyota giggled, sliding off of him. "Guess I'll take a rain check, Captain."

"No, stay," Jim said. "I like knowing you'll be waiting for me here."

"Okay," Nyota said, nodding.

As he was about to leave his quarters, she called out to him.

"Just so you know," she said. "I love you back."