When Knives, Boxes and Raccoons Collide

Description: A Kensi/Deeks onsehot following 5.21 (Three Hearts).

AN: This is my first endeavor into NCIS Los Angeles fanfiction, so I hope I've managed to do justice to the characters. I've been watching the show on and off since it started, but have really gotten into it the last two years. I love the depth of the characters we've been shown and the amount of character building available to both the show, and fans' imagination. I'm looking forward to writing more in the future. If you get a chance, please let me know what you think!

The knock at her door doesn't surprise her. If anything, it comes earlier than expected. She's been home less than an hour, and after leaving her partner with a now-open box on his desk at work, she had estimated it would take him longer to show up. Hesitate. Debate his options. Run his fingers through his hair a few times. Open the box, because how could he not at that point? Ponder the implications. Would he have opened the next one? That, she doesn't know.

With a sigh, Kensi set down her carton of takeout and stood from the couch. She could see her partner's silhouette through the curtains on her door, waiting for her, and it made her pause. It had been a long and difficult day - following a long and difficult series of months - and she wasn't sure she was ready to have this conversation.

She wasn't sure she was ready for the fallout; for their thing to be over before it had been given a real chance to start.

And she had so wanted that chance.

Their one night together had given her a taste of what could be. She vividly remembered waking in his bed the following morning filled with both anxiety and more hope than she'd felt in longer than she could remember. And yes, they'd fumbled as partners that day, but by the end of the case they were already figuring out how to handle the new them.

And then their worlds were turned upside down without warning. And now Kensi wasn't so sure there would ever really be a them to figure out.

Deeks shifted on the other side of the door. He knew her too well; probably knew she was mirroring him on her own side of the door. Not that he'd call her on it. Not now when things were the way they were between them. He raised a hand to run nervously through his hair. She smiled at the familiar gesture and stepped forward to open the door.

His very-tousled hair and the uncharacteristic creases by his eyes told her he was as apprehensive about this conversation as she was. Kensi wasn't sure if that made her feel better or worse.

For an extended moment they stared at each other. And then the corner of his lips twitched upwards and his head tilted ever so slightly and she swore she heard the words before they left his mouth.

"What's in the box?"

She rolled her eyes and stepped out of the doorway, motioning for him to come in.

"Seriously, Kens, is it just some epic mind game?" He continued as he stepped into her apartment. "A series of Russian Nesting Dolls in box form? One after another after another? How tiny is the smallest one? And where did you even get a box that small?"

She couldn't help but laugh at that. "You didn't open the next one?"

"How could I? You took the knife?"

"You gave it back to me," she countered.

And there it was.

He half turned away from her and ran his hand through his hair again. "Yeah, well...it is your knife. And...sometimes a knife is just a knife."

"So, that's the only reason you gave it back to me? To return it?"

It would have been easy to agree and move away from this part of the conversation. It would have been easy to avoid the coming tension. She could see it in his expression. And for a moment she felt her heart fall because he was going to take the easy way out. But he surprised her when he shook his head. No more easy ways out.

"No, I guess not. We both know there's more to it than that. It's not just a knife...never has been." He paused for a moment, staring at her. "I mean; it is your knife. Your father's knife. You should have it back. You only meant to give it to me for that one case."

"But then I got sent to Afghanistan."

"And I kept it with me..." He shook his head. "It made me feel like I was carrying some part of my partner with me. But now you're back and I shouldn't need that crutch anymore."

She didn't know how to respond to that so she said nothing.

Deeks sighed. "This morning I..." he trailed off.

"What?"

"Never mind."

She almost let it go, but they had let too many things go between them already. She crossed her arms across her chest. "This morning you what, Deeks?"

He met her eyes and the look in his almost broke her heart. Because he looked so broken in this moment. So lost.

"This morning I knew what I wanted."

I wanted you, she heard in the silence that followed his words.

This time her heart did break a little. She nodded. "Okay." She forced herself to swallow down her emotions, her tears. "Okay," she said again. She wouldn't blame him for not wanting the same things as her. This was not his fault. She would find a way to rewind back to just be his partner. Because she needed him in her life. Their partnership had slowly but surely become the most important thing in her life.

He stepped towards her. "Kens..."

She stepped back, shook her head. She would be okay with this. But she needed space. "It's okay, Deeks." And she meant it. She wanted more; so much more. But she did not blame him for not wanting more himself; for not wanting her. He was not the first man to not want her.

"No, it's not." He stopped his approach and ran his fingers through his hair, clearly agitated. "I'm not-"

"You're not what?"

"I'm not explaining myself. I'm not..." He trailed off, before offering her a wry smile. "It's been long established that I'm not very good at this whole communication thing."

Whatever she had expected to hear him say, that wasn't it. Memories of the last two times she had called him out on his lack of communication skills flooded her. And now it sounded like he was asking her to push him, them, again. Because that didn't sound like a man who had changed his mind about wanting her.

He stared at her, his eyes filled with both anxiety and hope, trust and pain. And something more. Something that caused a surge of hope to flare within herself.

They very clearly needed to talk this out. "Come on," she said quietly, walking past him with an affectionate bump to his shoulder as she headed for the couch. She settled on her normal side while he did the same.

Legs crossed, facing her partner, she met his eyes evenly. She took a breath. Time to start from the beginning. No assumptions, no misunderstandings. "Okay, Deeks, what did you want this morning?"

He huffed out a laughing breath. "This," he waved a hand between them. "Only...not."

She couldn't help the smile tugging at her lips. "You're right, partner, you do need to work on those communication skills."

He laughed before clarifying, "I wanted to talk. Air everything out. Only I was more...optimistic."

She nodded. "Angelo rattled me too," she admitted.

"But not third-heart rattled."

"Deeks-"

"No." He shook his head. "I know what you're going to say. His aim was to rattle us. He read us and he chose his words and his stories to get a response. He wanted to put us on edge and he wanted us focused on ourselves instead of him. And I took the bait. I know that. But that doesn't mean his little three hearts story wasn't valid."

She couldn't argue with his assessment. "Okay, maybe that's true. But that doesn't mean anything is wrong between us."

"Other than the fact that he's right. I've shown you mine and you haven't shown me yours."

There's a moment of intent seriousness between them before they both hear his words in a whole other context. Kensi feels her cheeks heat and unsuccessfully tries to bite back a laugh, while her partner chuckles at his own words.

"You are such a child sometimes," she accuses.

"You laughed, too," he defends.

She hesitates before dropping her voice and telling him, "Plus, I'm pretty sure we've seen each others."

Her words are rewarded with a glimpse of the old Deeks, the Deeks that hadn't yet learned how to be afraid of what they had. His lips curl into a smirk and his eyes shine. And then all too quickly he morphs into the Deeks of now. The Deeks that had learned to be afraid somewhere between going out for tacos and giving back her knife.

"Thirds hearts aside," he continues, back to business, "His stories made me realize what I'd do for you, how far in I'd let you get..." He trails off.

She wants so badly to say so many things in response, but the tension in his shoulders and the way he's working the muscles of his jaw scream to her that there's a more important second half to that sentence. "And?" She prompts.

"And," he continues, "where I'd be if I lost you." His response is barely a whisper but she hears it none the less.

"Deeks," she whispers back.

"You're my partner, Kens, so you're already the most important person in my life. And if I lost you in the field, I'd be devastated. But I'd know no one would have had your back like I would. But..."

"But if we didn't work out," she finishes the thought for him.

He meets her eyes. "Then where are we?"

She had no answer for him. No words, no comfort, no solution. "I don't know."

"I don't know, either."

Kensi looks down at her hands. She had just assumed if they ever managed to figure out their thing and get together that that would be it. They'd be together. Now she realizes she was naive to think that way. She of all people should know there are no guarantees in life. Hell, nine years ago she'd been engaged to be married until her fiancé had disappeared in the middle of the night one Christmas Eve...and apparently moved to Afghanistan where he started a family without her. Kensi shook her head to clear it from her own recent trauma.

"You're my partner," he repeats his earlier statement. "You're my best friend." She looks up to meet his eyes. It gives him the strength to continue. "And I want so badly for you to be so much more. But I think we get one shot to do this right."

She nodded, even as she felt the recently all too familiar sting of tears. "I think you're right."

"This morning I wanted us to talk about everything that happened the last few months. And I really thought we could just...pick up as if you never left. But now I realize we're not in the place we need to be to make this work. I'm not in the place I need to be to make this work."

Her heart ached at his words, but she knew with startling clarity he was right. About all of it.

"Kens," he whispered, holding out his hand to her. She took his, smiling as he squeezed. "I want to be in that place."

Without breaking contact between their joined hands, she shuffled towards him on the couch, tucking herself against his side, hip to hip and shoulder to shoulder, hands clasped between them. "I want to be there, too."

"I'm really glad to hear that."

"Deeks?"

"Yeah?"

"You're getting better at this whole communication thing."

He laughed and she quickly joined him. "I've have this awesome partner to help me," he said. "She calls me on my crap and pushes me to say what I mean."

She smiled at his words. "If only she figured out how to push you sooner."

Deeks squeezed her hand at that, but said nothing. Kensi closed her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder. She knew he was internalizing, blaming himself for the sudden roadblock in their relationship. And that wasn't fair. Because they were in this together. So it was only fair that she show some personal growth alongside her partner.

"You are right, you know," she stated, not bothering to lift her head from his shoulder.

"Hm?"

"We get one shot to do this right. Cause if we screw it up, the fallout..."

"Will destroy us," he finishes for her, taking the words right out of her mouth.

"And I'm not okay with that ever happening."

"I'm going to work on making some changes, getting ready-"

"Me, too," she cut him off before he could internalize any more blame.

"Kens-"

"You were right." She pulled her head from his shoulder and turned to meet his eyes. Still gripping his hand, she reached her free hand to place on his chest, over his heart. "You have a big heart, Deeks. And whether you've shown me a 'third heart' or what, I'll admit that you've let me in further than I've let you. You let me in sooner than I let you. You shared more than I did. And a lot of the stuff I shared with you, the important stuff about my dad and my past, only came up because of his case. I see that, I do. I'm closed off." She took a breath and allowed herself a moment to look away.

Deeks said nothing, but placed his free hand over hers on his chest, uncharacteristically silent in his support.

When she was able to meet his eyes again, she tried to offer him a smile, but it fell short. "After I lost my mom and then my dad, Jack was the final straw...and the way he just left..." She trailed off again, the tears that had threatened earlier now welling in her eyes. She hadn't talked about this in a long time.

"You don't have to-"

"Yes, I do." She was determined to explain. And if anyone deserved an explanation, it was him. "I was young. And looking back, I'm infinitely glad I didn't get married and end up a marine wife moving base to base. But at the time... I loved him. And I trusted him. And I was devoted to him. He proposed before he was deployed and I spent the whole time he was overseas hoping and praying and waiting for him to come home so our life could start. And then he came home, but he didn't. And he told me I was like hitting the ground. But I couldn't accept that. I gave up my life for him; I took a leave of absence from school. I went to the doctor with him, I monitored his pills for him, I talked and I listened and I was always there. And then he was just gone and I was left with nothing."

Still silent, Deeks squeezed her hand, reminding her she didn't have nothing anymore. It gave her strength to continue.

"And I think I just gave up after that. I stopped letting people in past a certain point. It wasn't worth the risk. Even Callen and Sam. I trusted them with my life, I trusted them in the field, but I didn't tell them anything remotely deep or important about myself." She paused for a moment and met her partner's eyes evenly. "It was a really long time before I trusted someone again."

Deeks pinched his eyebrows and took a deep breath at her words, clearly affected by them.

She offered him a watery smile. "It took a while to build that trust, and it scared the hell out of me a lot of times, but I'm grateful for where we are now. It doesn't scare me that you know things about me. And I know that you're not just going to disappear one day because things get too hard."

"Never," he whispered, before surprising her by dropping both her hands and pulling her into a tight hug. "I'm sorry," he apologized, "It's just...you shared all those things with me and I just needed to..."

She hugged him back just as tight. "I need it, too."

He relaxed against her with a sigh.

Kensi pressed her nose into the crook of his neck and closed her eyes, confident in the knowledge that she would one day have this and so much more.

"Thank you for telling me that," Deeks eventually whispered.

"Thank you for listening."

He chuckled as he pulled back from their hug, but hesitated slightly before continuing. "Thank you," he said again. "It means more than just having you share that." He reached for her hand and squeezed tight. "It...helps. To know."

She smiled at her partner. "Good. I want to get better at telling you things." It was her turn to hesitate, but he had continued, so she would, too. "You're the most important person in my life, Deeks."

Her words clearly overwhelmed him, as evidenced by his suddenly tense jaw and rapidly blinking eyes. "Kens," he husked.

"Deeks," she echoed and raised her free hand to cup his jaw. "I'm going to say one more thing to sum up everything I've already said and then we're going to move on to a lighter topic because you and me talking this long and this deep is starting to creep me out." Her joke had the desired effect as he was able to release a soft chuckle.

She offered him a soft smile. "You were right," she repeated her initial statement. "You let me in further than I let you in. But I let you in further than I let anyone else in."

Any control Deeks had gained over his emotions he'd now lost, and Kensi watched in almost fascination as her partner's eyes welled and a single tear trailed down his cheek. He swiped at it, embarrassed, but she grabbed his wrist to stop him. Instead, she lifted her other hand to wipe the tear with her own thumb. Not even tied to a chair with shattered teeth and being told he would have to stay there a little longer had resulted in her seeing him in tears.

He surprised her when he reached his own hand to brush against her cheek, wiping away tears she hadn't even realized were there.

She released a laughing breath. "Okay, enough of this."

"I see what you mean about being uncomfortable letting people in," he joked.

She rolled her eyes, before saying sarcastically, "He communicates one time and suddenly he thinks he's an expert."

"Touché."

"Touché," she echoes with a smirk.

He shakes his head with a sigh. "You don't get to say touché after my touché."

"Really? Cause I think I just did."

Deeks made a big show of sighing. "You're lucky you're the most important person in my life, too, Kens. Otherwise, I don't know how I'd put up with your quirks."

"You love my quirks," she countered before she could help it, before she heard her own words.

He met her eyes evenly and nodded. "I do," he whispered. "I do love your quirks."

Kensi felt her heart swell. "I love your quirks, too."

He smiled back at her, tension leaving his body as he sat back against the couch. She moved to sit beside him as she had been before, shoulders and hips touching. He reached for her hand again.

It wasn't enough for ever, but it was enough for now.

They wanted the same thing, had their eyes on the same goal. And they were in agreement; they only had one shot to do this right. Because losing each other was not an option either was willing to live with.

Deeks squeezed her hand and then released it. "I should go."

"Okay."

He stood and she followed closely as he made his way to the door. He reached for the door handle, but pulled his hand away and turned back without opening the door. "You were right, with what you said, you know. You're right to trust that I'm not going anywhere, no matter what happens, no matter how hard this gets."

She smiled. She didn't need him to tell her, but it was still good to hear. After so many years of being afraid of this, she was grateful for the security their relationship gave her now. "Me neither."

"I'm not trying to run away, now. You know that, right? I just need...time." He sighed and ran his hand though his hair. "God, that sounds so cliché."

"It does sound cliché," she said with a laugh. "But that doesn't mean I don't understand. And now that we've talked, I see that I need time, too. So we can do this right."

"That's all I want; to do this right," He practically breathed his response to her, his expression so open and so earnest.

"We will." She was surprised by how much confidence she felt in saying it.

"See you tomorrow, partner?"

She nodded. "I'll buy lunch if you pick up breakfast on your way in?"

"How many times do I have to tell you donuts are not a healthy breakfast choice?" He chastised playfully, knowing without needing any further clarification that she wanted the donuts from the speciality place near his apartment.

"You eat just as badly as I do, mister."

"But I eat in moderation, Kensalina. For you it's like calorie-palooza."

She glared at him, before crossing her arms and smirking. "Well, maybe you and I will figure out our thing soon. Then I'll have someone to help burn off the calories with."

Her comment rewarded her with a slightly sputtering Deeks, who clearly had not expected her to be able to turn his joke on her back around on himself. He scratched at the scruff on the side of his face. "Something to look forward to?"

"The donuts or burning off the donuts?"

He sighed. "You do know that's all I'm going to think about now every time I buy you those damn donuts?"

"Good; It'll keep you motivated."

And just like that he was serious again. "Trust me, Kens, I don't need anything more to be motivated."

The intensity in his gaze alone told her exactly how motivated he was; exactly how motivated she made him. She swallowed hard. He reached to quickly squeeze her hand in goodbye, but she held tight, not quite ready to let him leave. His fingers closed around hers and she felt his thumb run up and down along her wrist.

He stared down at her, his gaze soft and understanding. He was always so damn understanding; always knew what she was thinking. She shuffled forward a half step, just needing to be closer. Just a little closer. He cocked his head ever so slightly. She could feel the heat from his body now and she knew what she wanted. Her gaze flickered from his eyes to his lips for just a moment before returning, but he caught the action. His lips parted on his next exhale.

Could they? Should they? They'd already spent the last hour talking out their issues so they could work towards a future together. Plus, they'd kissed before. And spent a night together. What was one more kiss now? Was it a bad idea noting their mutual decision to take time to work toward their thing?

"You're thinking too hard," Deeks whispered.

"Then stop me," she whispered back.

He ducked his head and closed the space between them, pressing his lips to hers in a soft kiss. She ran her free hand up the back of his neck and buried it in his hair. His free hand wound its way around her waist, holding her close. And when the kiss ended, he didn't pull away. He dropped her hand and hugged her tight.

"You and me, partner," he whispered into her hair.

"I'm counting on it."

He took a deep breath and released her. He offered her a bright smile, remnants of the old Deeks who hadn't yet learned to be afraid. "I will see you tomorrow morning at work. With donuts."

"And I'll buy lunch," she said as he was turning and letting himself out the door.

"And you'll tell me what's in the box."

"Never going to happen!" She called as he pulled the door shut behind him. She rolled her eyes but couldn't begin to wipe the smile from her face.