|It's not worth less, either.| |Chapter 4.|

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Sam's eyes went instantly to the empty bed, then his body trembled with a full body shiver as he hastily adverted his eyes from the small spots of blood on the sheets and blankets that must have come off of Dean's bloody clothes when he had laid Dean's body to rest.

Cass didn't miss the way he shuddered and stepped between him and the bed to give him something else to focus on and that small act of support made Sam grateful as he didn't want to lose it and break down again just from seeing Dean's blood all over Dean's empty bed, where Dean should be laying, where Dean should be laying, fully healed and alive, where there shouldn't ever be any blood or a missing brother…

His body gave another shudder. Apparently some part of him wasn't getting the Memo about the whole not falling apart and breaking down thing.

Castiel's voice permeated his steadily, downward spiraling thoughts. "Where did you last see The Blade?"

"Over there on top of the dresser." Sam answered, his voice sounding distant, at least to his own ears as he pointed to the dresser where he'd laid The First Blade.

When Cass moved towards the dresser, Sam found himself moving as well, in effort to keep Cass in between himself and his brother's empty bed that was covered with his brother's blood, his mind chanting, "Don't lose it. Don't lose it.", the entire time as he tried to keep control of his breathing.

Sam turned his attention to the dresser where The First Blade, SHOULD, be. It was just as gone as his brother's body happened to be.

Sam let out a choked cry of anguished distress, because he didn't know WHAT that meant, but he knows that it CANNOT mean anything good. In fact he's very certain that it means nothing but BAD THINGS.. VERY BAD, THINGS….

Castiel looked up at Sam's unexpected, emotional outburst. He would say that he felt the same, but he didn't have the luxury of knowing the definition of the emotions that were stirring inside him, so he could not honestly say that what he was feeling was the same as Sam… Because.. If he could not describe his own emotions, then how could he describe SAM'S emotions or try to label those emotions as the same as his own?

"The Blade.. It's gone." Sam stated numbly. "Just like De.. Just like Dean.."

Castiel had already known this as the top of the Bladeless dresser, had already told him as much. But Sam was apparently still trying to get passed the Denial Stage of this living nightmare.

"What does that mean?" Sam gasped as more tears pooled in his eyes "Cass, what does that mean? Why are they BOTH gone? Where are they? Where is my brother, Cass?"

TBC….

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A/N: Yes I am still working on "Because it hurts." I just got hung up on Sam's 'Stanford Years' I wanted to get them right because they are kinda like the last stepping stone before I transition to a Canon Sam Timeline and I wanted to that time in Sam's life justice without speeding through it and being all like, 'Sam was at Stanford, met Jessica, they dated, moved in together, Dean showed up and Jessica died.' Because there has to be more to Sam's 'Stanford Years' as well as Sam's time with Jessica and I'm just trying to get a feel for what all might have gone on with Sam during the TWO YEARS (actually THREE YEARS) he was at Stanford before Dean showed up... And all I have to work with for that Timeline is: That Sam met (REAL, actual) Brady and they became friends, then Brady went 'away' for a Thanksgiving Break and came back 'different' (POSSESSED), then (no longer REAL) 'Brady' introduced Sam to Jessica and Sam and Jess started dating then Sam and Jess moved in together, and then Sam fell in love with Jessica enough to start thinking about proposing before Dean showed up.. And that this all happened within the time Sam was at Stanford (Which the Show says was TWO YEARS, but if one were to do the math... Sam turned 22 by the end of Season 1, which means he was still only 21 when Dean showed up, which means that Sam probably left in May 2002, right after he graduated and right after his 19th birthday.. SO.. If one were to surmise that Sam had only been gone two years from THAT time then.. How is it OCTOBER 31ST of 2005, when Dean comes to get Sam, cause that's like THREE years, plus a few months and a couple of weeks (which is a whole one year more than DEAN says that Sam's been gone... Hmmm... Gotta love continuity errors..) and other than that, it all feels sort of vague.. Nothing about Jessica's past is ever really mentioned.. It's just clear that Jessica, a seemingly smart and independent woman, trusted some guy(Sam) enough to stay with him for 'however long' despite the fact that she knew basically, NOTHING about his past and she obviously knew he was deliberately keeping secrets from her, yet she had been with him and had stayed with him and trusted him enough to LIVE with him and sleep with him, which just seemed kind of 'off' to me and I had to put myself in the mindset of a woman who would be with, stay with, LIVE with, sleep with a man she honestly didn't know anything about besides what she had seen from their time 'together' and I thought... 'Maybe, maybe, Jessica had come from an abusive home too and maybe she had been afraid to ask too many questions because experience with 'someone abusive' taught her better than to ask too many questions or to press for actual answers.'... ANYWAY.. Several theories about Jessica abounded, after all, I need her to have a back story that builds up her Character to show why and how she so readily let a relationship with Sam, whom she hardly knew anything about, get to such a serious point that they were already basically living and sleeping together within such a short period of time.. TWO YEARS (Okay.. Actually TWO YEARS, TEN MONTHS and THREE WEEKS and that's IF (Real) Brady got possessed over Sam's FIRST Thanksgiving Break at Stanford and then 'Brady' came back 'different' (POSSESSED) and introduced Sam to Jessica sometime around December 2002).. is NOT a long time especially when she still barely knew anything about the person she was living and sleeping with... Yet she was still in that relationship with Sam for 'however long' despite Sam's obvious secrecy... WHY?.. SO.. Basically... That's been my hang up with "Because it hurts.", but I am actually, finally getting past that rough patch and hopefully things will go smoothly for me now...