(A/N: I know I haven't update this in like...two years? I can't remember. But I had an idea today, so here it is.)

The Internship

"Now, Hashtag, today is your first day interning at Brokenstar's House of Villains," Scourge meowed, walking with his daughter on the way to work. "Do you remember what I told you?"

The tiny black she-cat nodded seriously, adjusting her red and black devil-horns head band as she trotted down the sidewalk. "Yes, Daddy. I'm to do everything Mr. Brokenstar says because he's the boss."

"And who are you absolutely never ever in a million moons ever allowed to speak to about what goes on at work?" her father questioned.

"Miss Hollyleaf, because she's only pretending to be Mr. Brokenstar's girlfriend," Hashtag answered. "She's really working undercover for Firestar's Police Force of Morality."

"Good, you remembered," Scourge meowed. He stopped outside an old abandoned-looking warehouse and pushed open the heavy bullet-proof door. "This is it. Now remember everything I've taught you."

Hashtag nodded. "I remember everything from our evil lessons. I stole Tutu's notes."

Her father led the way into the building and ushered his daughter to the staircase that led to the basement. "Good for you. There's a reason your sister isn't with you. What kind of villain takes notes? She's such a nerd!"

The two cats descended the stairs, Hashtag following her father as he entered the meeting room. Brokenstar, Tigerstar, Hawkfrost, Shredtail, Snowtuft, Mapleshade, and Bone were sitting at a table, deep in discussion. The leader glanced up as Scourge and Hashtag joined the group.

"Hashtag, good of you to join us!" the ragged tabby tom in the pink sparkly sweater meowed jovially.

"I'm glad to be here!" the black she-cat meowed.

Scourge nodded toward his daughter. "She wants to get into Dark Forest University's summer camp next year, and thought an internship would look great on her application."

"An intern?" Mapleshade mewed, narrowing her eyes. "Perfect. Wait, intern means 'slave', right?"

"Of course it does," Shredtail snapped at the tortoiseshell. He turned to Hashtag. "Go drop a canon on Firestar's Police Force of Morality."

Brokenstar slapped the tom with a paw. "Shred, it's her first day! We can't have her drop any canons until at least her third day!"

"Then what can she do?" Scourge asked. "She's ready for anything.

Snowtuft rubbed his paws together, laughing quietly. "Anything? How about she goes to Smiley Dayz Insane Asylum for the Criminally Insane and get Dr. Spottedleaf to release Darkstripe?"

Tigerstar nodded. "That's a good idea. Spotty won't release him to any of us, but the kit's cute. Spotty's a sucker for cute."

"And we do need Darkstripe here at the House of Villains," Brokenstar added thoughtfully. "He does us no good being locked up. Yeah, go do that, Hashtag."

The kit nodded. "Okay! I bet I'll be able to get him released without any trouble at all!"

She turned around and raced excitedly up the stairs. She ripped off her devil-horns and slipped on a green sparkly ear ribbon instead. She can't walk into the insane asylum looking evil!

Hashtag reached Smiley Dayz in just a few minutes. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the glass door and strolled in. The entrance was just a small room, painted a cheerful buttercream yellow. A desk sat in the center, where a tortoiseshell she-cat sat typing away at an old computer. Two doors were built into the wall behind the desk, but they were closed and had no windows. A panel with a large red button reading 'Emergency' was placed next to one of the doors.

"May I help you?" the tortoiseshell at the desk asked.

Hashtag nodded, trying her best to look adorable. "I'm here to pick up my uncle, Darkstripe. Daddy is very worried about him here. He wants him to be home for Christmas. We all want him home for Christmas."

The older cat narrowed her eyes. "Who did you say you were?"

"My name is Daisykit," Hashtag lied. "My Daddy is Rainwhisker, Uncle Darkstripe's half-brother. Daddy wants his brother to come home and be part of our family. He's going to live with us now!"

"I wasn't aware that Rainwhisker had any kits," the tortoiseshell meowed. "Isn't he dead?"

Hashtag shook her head. "No, you're thinking of Sootfur, my other uncle. Please let Uncle Darkstripe come home with me! Grandma Willowpelt misses him so much. She's going to help us take care of him."

The older she-cat hesitated. "Well, I don't doubt Willowpelt misses him, but why didn't she come and get him? Why send a kit?"

"She's too busy crying over him to leave the house, she misses him so much. She just can't handle Darkstripe being here, especially with the holidays coming. She just sits around and sobs and sobs all day. Uncle Graystripe and Aunt Sorreltail are trying to make her feel better, and Daddy has to take care of all of my cousins so he can't leave the house! I'm the oldest, so he sent me. Please let Uncle Darkstripe come home so we can have a merry Christmas. It will make Grandma Willowpelt very happy!"

"Fine, then," the tortoiseshell sighed, shoving a stack of papers toward the kit. "Just fill out these forms. I guess even villains should be home for the holidays."

"Excellent work, Hashtag!" Tigerstar exclaimed as the kit bounced back into Brokenstar's House of villains. "You got him out!"

"Yep!" Hashtag squeaked. "It was so easy! All I had to do was tell Dr. Spottedleaf about how Willowpelt cries for her son every day. She is a sucker."

Darkstripe grinned evilly, taking his place at the meeting table. "Crying mothers work every time," he meowed gruffly.

Shredtail stretched out his paws, staring at Tigerstar. "Brokenstar and Scourge left to go rob that bakery. Can we make Hashtag go release a canon on Firestar's Police Force of Morality now?"

"No, mousebrain!" Mapleshade hissed. "We don't even have a canon! We would have to send someone to Jaggedtooth's Secret Weapons of Mass Destruction Emporium first, and that kit's too small push the canon. I'll do that tomorrow."

"Then what are we going to do with the kit?" Snowtuft asked. "Brokenstar's not here to tell her what to do!"

"Oh, I'll do anything!" Hashtag exclaimed. "I'll pop Leafkit's balloon, steal Squirrelflight's baby blanket, tell Poppyfrost that Berrynose never loved her, tell Thornclaw he's going to die alone, tell Blossomfall Millie likes Briarlight more, light Sorrelstripe and Hollytuft's bakery on fire- I'll do anything!

Bone rolled his eyes. "We've told Poppyfrost that Berrynose never loved her eighty-two times already, and we just told Blossomfall that Millie likes Briarlight more last week!"

"What about lighting the bakery on fire?" Hashtag asked. "Sorrelstripe and Hollytuft just saved up enough mice to open last moon. If we burn it down now, they won't have made enough to reopen for at least a season cycle!"

Tigerstar nodded. "I'm putting that on the schedule. That's for one of the villains, though. Not you."

"Yeah, you're just an intern," Mapleshade meowed. "We have other plans for you, and Scourge isn't here to argue with us."

"Neither is Brokenstar," Shredtail meowed. "Let's face it- he thinks she's cute. He'd let her to all of our evil plans if he was here."

Hawkfrost nodded. "It's not fair. I'm handsome and I never get to do anything other than get more fangirls. I want to destroy things and get more fangirls, but how am I going to get more fans if I can't ever do anything evil? They'll only love me for my looks! I don't want a cute kit hanging around and getting to do all the fun evil things I want to do!"

"She won't, don't worry," Mapleshade mewed. "As long as I'm here and Brokenstar's not, the intern can serve us in other ways."

"Like what?" Hashtag asked. "I'll do anything except be nice to my sisters."

Hawkfrost pulled a pad of paper close to him and grabbed a red pen. "We'll make you a list of chores," he mewed. "Number one: go buy me Catene Cat Shampoo- it's for the handsome tom. Number two: Sort through my fan mail and throw out any letters that aren't from she-cats."

Snowtuft grabbed the paper way from the dark tabby tom. "Number three: pay my traffic tickets."

"Number four: pay my library fines," Mapleshade added.

"Number five: do my laundry," Shredtail wrote.

"Number six: do my taxes," Bone scribbled.

"Number seven: buy us coffee," Tigerstar finished. "I'll have a peppermint mocha."

"Vanilla latte with non-fat milk!" Snowtuft added.

"Chai latte with soy milk!" Shredtail chimed.

"Java Chip Frappuccino," Hawkfrost insisted.

"Chestnut Praline latte!" Bone demanded.

"Dark roast with no sugar and extra bitterness," Mapleshade finished.

Hashtag took the pad of paper and stared at it in horror. "How am I supposed to carry that much coffee?"

Hawkfrost shrugged. "Don't know, don't care."

"You're an intern," Mapleshade growled. "Do what we say and you won't be fired- today."

The kit snorted and started walking toward the staircase. "Maybe I won't do anything. Maybe I'll report you all to Firestar! That would be evil- turning you all in!" she snorted. "I can't believe it! Making me get coffee! Treating me like a servant! I wanted to do evil things- not get coffee!"

"Oh, and Hashtag," Tigerstar called, "make sure you're spending your own mice on all of that."

Hashtag said nothing and stormed out. She would have gone straight to the police, but then she saw a happy kit bouncing a ball so she popped it. She just couldn't help herself.

She then decided she would do everything on the chore list, but she would be evil, too. In fact, she would do the evilest thing imaginable. She would get decaf coffee.

(A/N: Eventually I will finish Safe Haven 4. Eventually.)