The World I Know
Chapter 5

Forward

Sawyer stared at the portrait of her younger brother.

He was the spitting image of her parents, or what she remembered of them. Fine, auburn-red hair. A pair of round gray eyes. He would grow out of his freckles eventually—just like she did. And if he turned out anything like her, he'd be just as sarcastic and snarky.

Or not. At least, Sawyer couldn't remember him that way. He was too kind. Too selfless.

The two missing front teeth made him endearing and the get-up he was in reminded her of home. The overalls. The paperboy hat. It reminded her of the farm. But by now, his two front teeth probably already grew in.

Life was simple back then. She would wake up when the sun would rise. Usually around 5am. She'd let the chickens out of the coop and the goats out of the barn house. The Havoc farm was small, but lively. She'd tend to the hay, pick up the ripe vegetables from the small garden in their front yard and wake up her little brother after having her morning coffee.

They'd eat breakfast together, Sawyer would read to him, and they would head into the marketplace around noon to sell the chicken eggs they gathered.

She shifted her gaze to the trinkets right next to the portrait of her younger brother. The crushed flower petals pasted against the backdrop of some blue construction paper held together by a wooden frame. A bracelet bedazzled with cheap stick-on jewels that were bleeding their artificial colors into the hardwood of her dresser. A small wooden box with a rough carving of the Survey Corps' emblem on top.

All gifts from her younger brother.

She hugged her pillow close to her chest and shut her eyes tightly.

Another day passed by.

Another day still in bed. By this time, her hair was sticky—slightly oily. There was a layer of grease on her back and every time she touched her face, she felt little ridges on the surface that was probably grime.

Sawyer wasn't taking care of herself.

It was worse than not taking care of herself. She wasn't eating.

The truth is, she couldn't stomach anything. She had a tendency to lose her appetite every time she thought about Alton Hawke.

The door to her room opened, suddenly.

In walked Levi with a tray of tea.

At least, the tray was from the barrack kitchen. She didn't know where the tea set came from, and she doubted that the barracks had anything so fancy for communal use so she surmised it was probably a set he bought on his on. With this in mind, she sat up straight, feeling a little bit woozy.

(not eating could do that to someone)

The sight of him was pretty ludicrous. After all, she didn't peg Levi as compassionate. Or generous. Or kind. Sawyer thought it might've been a dream but the more she stared, the more lucid she became. She could only wish this were a dream. Or a nightmare.

Wordlessly, he set the tray on the limited free space on her cabinet, grabbing the cups by the rim and offering a cup to Sawyer. It took her a moment to process it all, but instead of reacting with sardonic vehemence and some snarky comment about him touching the part of the cup she was about to put her lips on, she took the cup and held it in her lap, the liquid sloshing around in circles.

Levi took a sip of his tea first, still holding onto the rim of the cup with his fingertips. It was a strange little idiosyncrasy, since most people chose to hold their teacups by the handle to avoid getting burned. Sawyer noticed this almost immediately and arched a brow in confusion, her thoughts shifting away from the image of the broken boy in the alleyway only momentarily.

"Why do you hold it like that?" She asked, "Just hold it normally."

"No," was Levi's response. No hesitation. Short and succinct. She should've expected something like this. It made her smile a little.

Normally, she would've responded with something sarcastic but she was far too tired and jaded. She didn't know she could be so tired after doing absolutely nothing, and Levi wasn't particularly gregarious so she kept silent and stared at the tea in her hands, feeling the warmth radiate from the porcelain cup.

It was black tea. Not quite her favorite, but she could see the benefit of choosing it. It had numerous health benefits and it didn't taste too bad either. Refreshing, really. But it wasn't something that fitted her taste since she had a bit of a sweet tooth. The kind of girl who liked to 'desecrate' her tea by adding loads of milk and sugar.

The thought of it made her naseuous.

"Get it together," he said, "you need to stop moping around."

Sawyer looked up at him, slightly shocked by the suddenness of his command, "What?"

"You heard me the first time," he said, "you can't go back in time and change anything. What's done is done. All you can do is move forward now."

All the images flooded back. The boy. His bloody face when she didn't get the job done the first time. The crunch of his skull. The cry of pain that came out of his mouth.

She murdered someone. Euthanized someone. Euthanized might've even been generous considering the circumstances. It turned out botched. And for someone who called herself a doctor, she wasn't really sure how she managed to stomach the entire situation. After all, she devoted her entire life to saving lives. The Hippocratic Oath. It might've been just a prerequisite in the grand scheme of things, but for her, it mattered. (She really hated breaking her promises, in the end)

So she could only wonder how she managed to wind up here.

"I can't stop thinking about him," she whispered, "even when I try to stop thinking, I can't erase the images in my mind."

"Then keep thinking about it until the images mean nothing," he snapped, "instead of trying to avoid your reality."

"I can't desensitize myself to something like that," she said.

"I'm not asking you to desensitize yourself," he replied, "I'm telling you to accept your reality."

It was harsh, but he made a point. There was no way for her to go back in time and change things. Even if she could hypothetically take a leap back in time, she wasn't sure if she actually would change anything.

Stupid, really. Of course she would. She'd be more careful with how she went about things. The weapon she chose. The decisiveness of her strike. She wouldn't have tried to go all reckless abandon and blazing trails with hesitation and confusion.

She was thinking in circles. And she seemed to be arriving at a different conclusion every damn time.

"So what do I do now?"

An honest question.

Levi set the teacup down in his lap, meeting her gaze. His stare was rigid and completely unmoving.

"You have two good hands," he said, "use them."

If only things could be so simple. Sawyer wished she could just move on. She wished she could just turn around and continue with her simple life.

But she couldn't. She had no job, no backup and she wasn't sure if she even had a future at this point. Weeks ago, she had her life mapped out. It would've all been so simple. Work, save up money, move back to the farm, take care of her little brother. If marriage came into the picture, it'd be to a modest man who was kind to her. And if it didn't come into the picture, she was more than fine with being alone.

Alone. That's what she was for the past two days.

Levi stood up and placed his teacup on the tray, "It's good tea so you shouldn't waste it."

"Why did you come?" She asked, a little too suddenly, "Just to tell me to get over it and move on?"

There was a moment of silence. Levi glanced over the trinkets sitting on top of her cabinet, "I had the feeling you might've tried to kill yourself."

"That's awfully presumptuous," Sawyer replied defiantly, "considering the fact that you barely know me."

"I'm not too far from being wrong," he pointed out, narrowing his gaze, "you look like you've lost weight. Have you even been eating?"

"I don't need you to feel sorry for me," she snapped.

"Then prove me wrong," he said, "and do something with your future instead of dwelling in the past."

What they said about him wasn't completely true.

He could've been merciless, he could've been tyrannical—he honestly could've been everything they said about him. The truth is, Sawyer would be lying if she said she ignored the rumors. For a while, she let her preconceived notions construct her conception of who he was.

Their first encounter. Their second encounter. Their third encounter.

Alton Hawke. The boy in the alleyway.

"I…" Sawyer trailed off slowly, not completely sure where she wanted to go with this, "Why are you helping me?"

"Does it matter?" He asked, completely indifferent.

And just like that, Levi turned away from her cabinet and opened the door to her room, ready to leave.

Before he could depart, Sawyer stood up quickly and reached out, wrapping her arms around his upper body in some semblance of a halfhearted hug. Levi flinched and his breath hitched only momentarily. Not because he was nervous, but more so because he was confused by the unexpectedness of her action. He really hated surprises, after all.

The cup of tea in her lap spilled all over the hardwood floor, liquid soaking into a couple of pages of her nearby textbook lying on the ground.

"Sorry," she said, looking at the dark stain on the pages her book, "I just…"

A pause.

She pressed her cheek into his back—and for the first time in a long time, she smiled, "…thanks."

The following morning, Sawyer woke up before the sun rose.

She took a shower, scrubbed off the grime, washed her hair, put on a white dress and headed out the door.

The library was usually open at all hours of the day but she knew her friend, Edward, would be on the early shift. It was part of the reason why she woke up so early. She needed his help.

The other half of her wanted things to return to normal. Wake up early. Feed the chickens. Let out the goats. Pick the vegetables.

And when her life revolved around the hospital—she'd be awake by 3am for her 20-hour shift.

Now, she would move forward.

"I need Suedaïyah's research on titans dating back from twenty years ago," said Sawyer.

"Well good morning to you too," Edward yawned, fanning his hand, "give me your hospital ID."

She grinned sheepishly, "Funny thing…I lost it." A lie.

A pause. "You're joking," he didn't look the least bit amused, "you're telling me a doctor lost her ID to the hospital she works in."

"Yes." Another lie.

"And you're telling me that doctor is in charge of saving lives."

"Um…yes?" One lie after another.

Then, he kicked back in his seat, "Come back when you find it."

"Please?" Sawyer pleaded, putting on a smile for show, "You know I'd do anything for you."

"I find that hard to believe," Edward replied dispassionately, "Without your ID, I can only give you what's available to the public."

"Everyone has access to that," she pouted, "besides, I need—"

"Exactly," he interjected, "the point is—you don't get special treatment."

Sawyer furrowed her brows in agitation. Maybe she wasn't as close to Edward as she initially thought. After all, it'd been a while since she went to the library and the last time she saw the librarian was when she was still conducting her own research on titans. It'd been a while, to say the least.

So with a halfhearted sigh, she said, "Fine. Let me take a look at what's available to the public."

"Glad to," he smiled.

There were over hundreds of pages of research from his first two years alone.

Then again, she should've expected this much. Titan research was a relatively new field back then and Suedaïyah was one of the first surgeons who managed to figure out the weakness at the nape of their necks. Although this came as no surprise to Sawyer, she still stared in awe and wondered what it was like to make a discovery of this caliber. To make a discovery this groundbreaking. She didn't even come close to making this kind of progress with her research.

But then she remembered the reality of the situation. Sure, he made progressive strides in the field. Sure, he was an excellent surgeon. Sure, he dedicated years of his life to the method. But things were different now—and in a way, nothing was quite the same ever since her encounter with Eren. Levi was right. She could only look forward and work towards her future now.

Another year, another hundred pages of research.

There were hundreds of illustrations of titan anatomy. Some were more detailed than others. It was his fifth year of research. He was more focused on the regenerative properties of their bodies.

Sawyer yawned, leaning back in her seat.

It was already two in the afternoon. Her stomach grumbled.

"Find anything useful?" Edward quipped, not looking up from the newspaper he was reading.

Sawyer placed the documents on the counter in evenly stacked piles, "Not really, but I'll be back later tonight to finish it up."

"I won't be on shift," he said.

"It's fine," she replied, "they're public documents so I'll just bother someone else to get me the files."

"Hey—maybe don't forget your ID next time," he said.

"I—" She paused, and decided it was best if she kept quiet for the time being, "Yeah. I'll bring it next time."

note: hi.. it's been a year. x( don't kill me.

YouAreTheBest: YES. My favorite line in that chapter. :D Glad you enjoyed!
Zecrea: I'm glad you enjoyed that! Levi is really fascinating because there's so many facets to his character. This was mostly a Sawyer centric chapter but the next one is more focused on Levi :)
AmericanNidiot: FMA FTW!