Day of the Victory Tour

Before the train

Katniss leaves the house long before the sun comes up. She needs to spend her morning in the woods. She checks the snares, as much because she doesn't want to leave any animals trapped longer than necessary if they weren't immediately killed. Primarily, she wants to enjoy this place where she is free, where she is herself.

The next two weeks will be unbearable. Just the traveling itself would be stressful. Effie and her schedules. Her self-obsessed prep team. Being enclosed in a small space with all of them. Then there is the purpose of the trip. She won't be able to avoid thinking about the Games. About Thresh, who let her live. About Rue, who she couldn't save. About those she killed herself.

But to add to that, there is the entire mess with Peeta. She still doesn't regret her actions, doesn't regret saving him, but she wishes the Peeta that came home was more like the Peeta she knew in the Games, knew of from before then. And now she has to face Snow's threats. What was once implied has now been clearly stated. She has to convincingly portray herself as being madly in love with someone she isn't even sure she likes anymore. And she has to trust that he will hold up his side of the deal. While worrying about Prim. And her mother and Gale and Madge, but most of all, Prim. Maybe she should have just swallowed the damn berries.

She thinks back to the time in the Arena. With that Peeta, she might be able to pull it off. Once she got started, it wasn't hard to act like she was completely in love with him. She didn't always know what to do, but once she figured it out, actually performing wasn't difficult (She puts aside thoughts of why that might have been true). But she doesn't know if she can trust Peeta's change of heart, believe that he will once again be like the boy she knew before the games, the man she knew during them. She doesn't know if she's capable of doing this.

The one thing she does know, that she promises herself, is that she will fight with everything she has to convince Snow. She will not hide from this challenge. That's not who she is.

ooo

Peeta wakes up early. He starts baking because it soothes him, then he realizes he's leaving, and won't have anything to do with the results of his efforts. He laughs a bit at the image of himself bringing bread on the Victory Tour, of offering it to Effie and his prep team. He decides he'll take it to Mrs. Everdeen, that she'll make sure if goes to those that can use it.

Once that's done Peeta decides to spend some time painting instead. He doesn't have anything particular in mind, but it is something to do with himself when he thinks.

This is quite a mess he and Katniss find themselves in. They didn't mean to challenge the Capitol. Except that in a sense, Katniss did. She risked her life (one more time) for him, on the hope the gamemakers would change the rules and accept two Victors rather than none.

Peeta thinks back to what Haymitch said. Once again, Peeta had accepted he was dying. Swallowing the berries would have sped up his death by 5 minutes? Maybe 10? But all Katniss needed to do was wait. She'd gotten herself in this situation to save him. And he'd spent his time since they came home making it more difficult for her.

But certainly, neither of them meant to start a rebellion. Who would have thought that two kids could have that kind of power? Part of him wonders if a rebellion would be such a bad thing, but he thinks of how many people would die. People he knows. People in the districts. He thinks there must be another way.

Peeta stops and looks at his painting of a single dandelion. He makes himself a promise. He's going to put everything he has into resolving this situation, he's going to keep those he cares for safe, and he's going to do it as the man he wants to be, the one he still is, deep inside himself.

ooo

Katniss and Peeta both think to go wake Haymitch up before the invasion from the Capitol. Unfortunately for Haymitch, Katniss gets there first. When he doesn't respond to her first attempts to wake him, she escalates to pouring cold water on him. As Peeta walks in, he gives her a real smile, but it's clear she doesn't trust him. He can't blame her for that. Haymitch looks up and tells them they'll have to do better than that, maybe it's time to start warming up. Katniss ignores them both. She leaves out the window, avoiding passing by Peeta. Peeta offers Haymitch some bread and says that he should shower and change, that the cameras will be there shortly.

ooo

Katniss resigns herself to submitting to the ministrations of her prep team. Particularly as they are leaving her hair intact in the places where it won't be seen under her winter clothing. The rest of it she will see as donning the armor she will need for the upcoming battle. It turns out that listening to her prep team is interesting. It isn't that she actually cares about the shortage of shrimp for a particular party, but the potential reasons behind the shortage? Those have her intrigued. She actually participates in the conversation, probing for more clues as to the situation in the nation. She feels very conflicted as to what news she wants to hear.

ooo

Peeta actually enjoys the company of his prep team. His house is normally a lonely place. He submerges himself in their chatter as he gears himself up for the challenge to come. His mind drifts back to previous sessions with his team, preparing for the games, for the interviews afterward. This feels surprisingly similar, both in the uncertainty and excitement about what will happen with Katniss and the total terror about the outcome if anything goes wrong. This time, it isn't just his life, it isn't just Katniss's life, it's the lives of everyone he cares for, it's the lives of everyone in Panem. And he wonders what would really be best for all of them?

ooo

The video equipment is set, Peeta and Katniss are camera-ready. The doors to both houses open, and the two lovebirds smile and walk to each other. They wrap their arms around one another and kiss before looking at the camera. Peeta tries to pinpoint what is different between this and the other kisses they've shared. Her body is a little stiffer, her eyes a little harder, her lips a bit less enthusiastic. It isn't anything that will be visible to those watching, but Peeta now knows what a truly fake kiss from Katniss feels like.

On the train

Over dinner, Effie sets out the schedule for the tour, emphasizing the busy, busy day they will have tomorrow in District 11. Everyone is quiet as they eat. Katniss stares at her food. Peeta stares at Katniss. Haymitch watches both of them. Effie, Cinna and Portia try to start up the conversation several times, but give up and hope this isn't what life over the next couple of weeks will be like..

Peeta knows they need to fix things between them, and it is up to him to do so.

It's a quiet evening as they all sit around. They watch the television, mostly to avoid talking to one another. One by one, Effie, Portia, Cinna leave to get ready for bed and the next day. Haymitch comments that maybe a walk in the moonlight would be romantic, and that the train will be stopping soon. With that, he grabs the nearest bottle and says good night.

The train starts to slow down, right on cue. Still not talking, Katniss and Peeta each grab a coat from their rooms and meet at the nearby exit. The air is much warmer here than it would be at home at this time of night, so they wear their coats loosely, without hats and gloves.

Peeta reaches for Katniss's hand as they walk along. Katniss turns and hisses "Don't you dare do that now".

Peeta is happy to see there is a spark of energy in Katniss's eye that wasn't there last time they talked. He's not so thrilled that the fire is directed at him. As much as he feels he deserves it, hostility will make life harder for both of them.

Peeta sighs. "Would it help if I grovelled? I know I've been a real idiot since the last time we were on a train together, and I am truly, deeply sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't more appreciative of what you did for me in the Arena. I'm sorry I froze you out when we got back. I'm deeply embarrassed and sorry about how I reacted when you came to talk to me. I'm sorrier than I can say about the events in the meadow that day. What I did wasn't respectful to you, to her, or to myself, and I'm incredibly grateful I came to my senses before anything more happened. Most of all, I'm sorry I let my mother, her way of seeing things and of reacting to them, get into my head."

Katniss had been standing and listening, guarded but present. At that last comment her head jerks up in surprise, meeting his eyes for the first time since he started talking. In his eyes, she sees that the boy with the bread is back, and that they may be able to salvage something after all. He slowly reaches and links his hand with hers, and breathes a sigh of relief when she doesn't pull away this time.

After a pause, she slowly, haltingly, says "I've been channeling my mother as well, and also not in a good way." She looks away as she says "I've decided that wasn't what I was going to do, that when things go wrong I'm going to fight, not give up. I did give up on this for awhile, and I'm sorry about that. And as I tried to tell you before, I'm sorry I hurt you."

Peeta squeezes her hand. "I've decided that I'm not going to listen to that voice that tells me to strike out, to hurt in any way possible, that blames everyone else so that I don't have to think about what is really bothering me." He takes a deep breath. "Do you think we can try again to be friends?"

She looks at him for a moment and gives a real smile for the first time since the ride home from the Capitol. She tells him "Yes, I think we can do that."

By unspoken mutual consent, they start walking and talking about less loaded subjects, catching up on some of the smaller details since of their time in District 12, learning about each other in small ways like favorite colors. Both know they have more serious matters to discuss, about how to handle the threats they've both received, but there will be time for that later. Tonight, they will enjoy the sensation of their entwined hands and know they can be satisfied that they facing their challenges as partners once again.

Author's Note:

I like to play with these characters.

Yes, this is canon-divergent. Events did not unfold this way. But I wonder if they could have.

I think there are two places this diverges with canon in spirit.

One is Peeta letting the part of him that is like his mother show. Canon Peeta doesn't do this until after the hijacking, at least not where the reader sees. Come on, doesn't "You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?" sound like a casual comment from the same person that told Peeta that District 12 would finally have a victor, that "She's a survivor, that one". At best, a casual disregard for how the comment will affect the listener. At worst, an almost innocent comment targeted at exactly where it will hurt the most.

But I do think that he's always had this inside him, as a response to his mother's abuse. Canon Peeta does a saintly job of keeping it from ever surfacing, but this one doesn't. And once it's out, the situation spirals. The worse he feels, the worse he behaves. The worse he behaves, the worse he feels. I'm dealing with a different mental health spiral in my family right now, and it is the pits to deal with.

The other divergence point is the pressure on Katniss, starting with Snow's early visit. Perhaps this is stretching things a bit, but I can see him wanting to put a quick word of warning in Katniss's ear…. It's a much simpler warning than the one in CF, because it's earlier in the game, and Katniss is at a much more vulnerable point.

I needed this to increase the pressure on Katniss from the moment she gets home, and to force the situation with Gale, to increase her isolation.

And yes, I think if she'd told Gale point blank that no, she would not have a relationship with him, she was going to carry on with whatever she had with Peeta, that Gale's pride would have been hurt and he would have backed off. I could see him trying to make her jealous, or just pretending nothing had happened, but I can't really see him trying to pursue her immediately, or even chasing after her friendship. He's got too much pride, and not all of it the good kind.

And so Katniss is more and more isolated. She makes a connection with Sae, and breaks it to avoid Gale. And so on. (I'm neutral on the whole Gadge thing, I threw that in to keep Madge out of play as a potential confidant). When pushed too far, Katniss reacts the way nature and nurture (or lack thereof) have shaped her.

I don't think Katniss's approaching Peeta is entirely out of character, once she really realized there was no way to return to how life was before the Games. Particularly with her isolation, and then with her reaction to it, I think she might have gathered the self awareness and social skills to give it a try. Once.

Katniss & Peeta (and Haymitch and the other Victors) suffer from PTSD. I think it is possible both of them did, at least a little, even before the games. They are strong, and the two of them will get on with their lives, particularly with each other's help, but there are many places they could stray off the path.

I did take one bit of imagery from the Catching Fire movie. I thought it captured so much in that one glance.

On a completely different note, I completely disagree with Haymitch's "You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve him". Peeta is an amazing person, but so is Katniss.

And yes, I think Peeta treated Katniss badly when they returned from the games. She isn't blameless, not by a long shot, and of course, they are both teenagers, and acting like idiots at times is all part of the package. I think he was justified in being hurt, but I think he could have made an effort to get past it sooner. I think he's supposed to be the one with the people skills to be able to try to repair things. If Katniss didn't accept an effort from him, it would then have been on her head, but how different would life have been if he'd just made a gesture toward being friends a month or two after returning.

I hope you enjoyed this game of "what if". Going through it gave me a lot of insight into canon Katniss and Peeta. I'd love to discuss it with you- do you agree or disagree with how I had them behave? You can leave me a message here or on Tumblr- I'm BookingIt there.

Thank you for reading.