I have officially been in the Foster household for 4 months. For some reason, it may actually be the hardest house that I have been in. I am beginning to love these people when I have trained my entire life to not let anyone in. These people who I have only known for 120 days are making a way into my heart. My one rule is to never let my guard down. It is becoming harder and harder everyday to push them away.

Jude is already looking at the Fosters like family. I know I have lost him. He loves them and there is no way I can change that. Hey, I love them too, but I can't tell them that. This is a temporary home. I refuse to lose anyone else. So I don't let anyone in. I have become friends with them, but I always keep conversation light and on the surface. I am too messy inside. I can't risk my mess, screwing up Jude's chances to be apart of this family. I hope that they fall in love with him completely and adopt him. I know if they knew everything inside me, they would kick us out. I can't let them in for Jude and I can't lose any more family members. I have to look at them as my friends or allies.

I realize that I have been lost in my thoughts as I look up at the dinner table. I slowly look at everyone, one by one. I start off with Jude. He is laughing at Jesus and Marianna. Jesus accidentally squirted ketchup on her and she is not impressed. Lena is trying to diffuse the fight while commenting how her cooking doesn't even need ketchup in the first place. I then travel to Brandon who is studying his sheet music. I am about to turn my attention to Stef but I feel her eyes on me. I know she is staring at me with concern. I can see it out of the corner of my eye. I don't like that her and Lena can so easily figure out when something is bothering me. I have to think of something fast so she doesn't think anything is wrong. If I play my cards right I can make it seem like I am just tired. I quickly yawn and smile at the interaction between Jesus and Marianna. I still haven't looked at her. I know that I need to though because then she will wonder why I don't want to make eye contact.

Gosh this is so hard. No house has ever cared enough to keep a close eye on me. It is almost impossible to hide your feelings. I look over at her, still smiling, and she smiles back. It is genuine but I can tell she is still concerned. I realize I had been staring off into space for a good fifteen minutes and almost everyone is done eating. I look down in defeat and realize that my plate is still full. I haven't taken one bite.

I look down at the plate. There is chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes. I know I need to eat. I don't want to. Food is the one thing I can control and right now I don't feel like eating. I start to get upset that I have to force myself to eat just to hide how I am truly feeling. Why do they even care!

I look at my options and decide to go for some broccoli. I take a bite and act like I am joining in on the fun. I know I should probably say something now, so it looks like I am not avoiding conversation. I am always quiet at dinner but I still talk. I tune back into the table and try and think of something to say. I look over at Jude and I know he can tell I am internally struggling. There is a weird unspoken language between us. He knows my needs, and I know his. I always put Jude's needs before mine but sometimes I let him help me, when I know he is completely taken care of. He looks over to Stef and Lena who are looking at each other concerned. He turns back to me and sighs. Jude knows how much I hate when people are watching me so intently so he tries to make the attention on me positive.

Jude looks at me with a big grin and says, "I got a B in my math test today Callie!". Genius. Directing good news my way so that I have to respond.

I give him a sincere smile as everyone cheers and congratulates him. Part because I am truly proud of him and the other because of the silent conversation we are having as I thank him for helping me.

"That is so great buddy!" I ruffle his hair and give him a kiss on the head.

I know I should probably say something else so I think of the first think that comes to my mind.

"We got assigned a new project today in Timothy's class. You have to write about an event that has changed you for the good, and then one that has changed you for the bad, but I am stumped what to write about." It was the perfect thing to say. I am making conversation and I am applying that I need help, without truly asking. I don't ask for anything, but I know that is will please Lena and Stef that I "asked" for some type of guidance. I had to do something big so they stop looking at me with worry in their eyes. I took a bite of chicken.

I receive soft smiles from Stef and Lena. Crisis averted. I take a sip of water as well just to be safe.

"Why don't you write about how we lost mom?" As soon as the words come out of Jude's mouth, I start to choke and spit a bit of the water out of my mouth. I now have looks of worry on every single member of the Foster family. Great, I was so close.

I look at Jude who looks scared, confused, hurt, and worried all at the same time. Then I see shock. He looks up at me scared, knowing I am going to be upset. We had one rule that I pressed Jude on everyday. No talking about mom, or anything that happened to me. I let Jude talk to Stef and Lena about what he suffered through only. That way, they will fall for him by giving him comfort and give him this safe home he deserves.

I weigh my options, act sad and hurt, or blow it off and calm Jude's fears. Of course, I pick Jude's needs first. I give him a smile and say, "I don't think so buddy, but thanks for the suggestion." I look down and start eating potatoes. I look back up and everyone quickly pretends like they were not just looking at me. I turn to Jude and give him the look that says, we will talk about this later. I smile at him though, to assure him I still love him. In the end, there is nothing he could do that would truly prevent me from loving him.