第１章

Sometimes I think that none of it ever happened. That such a group never existed, and no one ever died, and that I wasn't like this. I say that I'm not living in fear and risk, but I am.

And as I sit in this field of wildflowers, I think about the ugly floral vase my mother adored. It was always filled with something, be it blossoms, feathers, or even branches if she was feeling creative. I never liked it, nor did I appreciate the thought, but now I miss it. I miss the soft wrinkles that decorated her face, and her delicate hands that had sewn every single stitch in our clothes. The way her voice was never raised, but always a mellow tone. The way she forgave me, and the way she told me she would always love me, no matter what. Everything about her was relaxed and heartwarming. I miss the unconditional love I never appreciated. I miss all of it.

I have no right to feel like this. I never said goodbye to her, or to him, or to any of them. It was my fault. I was forced to leave, and I didn't get to say a farewell. I never saw their sweet faces again.

And now they're all dead. Every last one, except for me.

I look at my hands. They're calloused and uncomfortable. A thin line of dirt is shoved underneath my nails, and no amount of scrubbing will be able to remove it. The grass is swaying from the soft breezes, and it tickles my legs. I think about ripping it out of the ground, but I've already caused enough damage. The world is sick of my existence.

This hill looks like it goes on forever. I like to think it does. I pull my knees to my chest, and hug them tightly. The clouds are moving at a nice steady pace, and the sky is a faded blue, almost gray. I hear loud footsteps behind me, and I tightly blink a few times. No one can see.

A voice breaks the silence. It feels like I'm listening to nails on a chalkboard. Sharp and revolting.

"Mai needs you."

My whole body sighs. A bird is singing a simple tune in the distance. The wind picks up.

"You've always been difficult."

I slowly nod, watching three ants crawl by my shoe. They remind me of us, when we searched for limited adventure and simple pleasures.

I calmly stand up, and brush the leaves and dirt off of my backside. The bird has stopped singing and the clouds have left. My calf muscles ache with every step as I follow him back to the village. There is a few brown strands of hair jetting out from his head like twigs, and I look down to his feet. His boots are caked with mud.

After a few minutes of walking, we arrive at the small house. I stare at the door, studying the swirling wood grain. Nao motions for me to enter, and reluctantly, I do.

The house is eerily quiet, and dark. Stuffy. Suffocating, in a way. I already want to leave, but I know that I can't. It was part of the deal.

I look at Nao. He points to the ceiling.

I glance at the stairs, and my stomach flips. It's the same reaction every time. It always will be.

I take the first step, and of course, it loudly creaks. The wood bends underneath my weight, and once I reach the top, I make sure not to look back.

Her room is to the right. I don't bother knocking.

I open the door, and there she is, sitting up on her bed, staring out the window. Her long black hair spills down her back and spreads across her blanket like paint. She turns to observe me with piercing blue eyes that I will always be envious of. Mine have to be black. It's too dangerous to refrain from concealing.

I shut the door and move to the chair positioned next to her small bed. I hesitate to sit down, and choke on words. When she looks at you, it burns.

The pastel curtains are neatly drawn back. The view she has isn't particularly spectacular, but it's all she's got. I gaze outside, and my eyes follow pale leaves falling from the trees. She interrupts.

"I heard you were thinking about leaving," she says, not looking at me. Instead, she picks at her fingernails.

I nod.

"Where on Earth could you possibly go? No one wants you."

Her words have always been poisonous.

"We didn't even want you. But I liked you. So I allowed you to stay. And now that you want to leave..."

She stops messing with her nails and looks directly at me.

"You should be grateful you can stay here. No one wants you out there. You're disposable. Do you even think you can survive? When we found you, you could barely stand up. It was pathetic."

She slowly smirks, twirling her hair around one finger.

"You're an idiot if you think that I can't survive. How long did you think I was even out there?"

She pauses. She doesn't know. She knows that she doesn't know anything about me at all.

"Years. I was out there for years. My whole family was killed. Every last one. My friends, my family. Everyone is dead. And you have the nerve to tell me I can't survive?"

Before Kana and Kaori, I kept to myself. I did everything on my own. I didn't stare too long. I moved quickly. I kept myself in check. I took so many precautions. Everything was with those two idiots in mind. I should be dead. I should've died with them.

I wanted to die with them.

"Listen, Mai. I'm leaving. I'm taking the Hunter Exam. I'm tired of this. I'm exploring this world. It was the last thing I ever told my best friend. I promised him. I'm leaving."

I'm on the verge of bitter tears, so I quickly get up. She's clearly speechless, for once. The left curtain is starting to droop.

I leave her room and carefully close the door. I stare down the stairs I am to descend, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I push every feeling away.

I walk by Nao, who is leaned against a table. He straightens himself, keeping his arms crossed.

"So you're really leaving."

I shake my head. He frowns.

"Why?"

"Because I want to. Obviously."

He unfolds his arms. I smile, which is something I never do.

"You've always been an easy book to read. Dry your eyes, kid. You won't miss me."

I quickly stop talking, realizing that I sound a lot like my uncle. Awkward.

"...You don't know that..."

"You don't have to lie, Nao. Tell Emi and Aya that I think I won't forget them."

I continue past him. He follows me outside of the house.

"Setsuna! I—"

"Don't worry about it."

I glance back. His eyes are glossy.

"Nao?"

"I... Setsuna, well, I—"

"If you're going to confess your love for me, think again. I'm a horrible person. I'm in love with someone who's been dead for five years. I would never wish myself upon you."

By the way he looks down, I know I've hit the nail on the head. I walk up to him and ruffle his hair, which is the only friendly thing I've done to anyone in this entire village.

"Plus, I'm taller than you."

I grin, and remove my hand from his head. He weakly smiles. I turn around around and start my journey.

He calls after me.

"We'll miss you!"

I wave. The trees start swinging, and leaves fly everywhere. I disappear into the forest. Crazy déjà vu.

Time to see what this place is all about, Pairo, Kurapika.

終わり