Parody of Thomas the tank engine & Friends season 2

I don't own either Blackdder and Thomas the Tank Engine

Sorry for any of those felt insulted because it is a parody that dose not make no sense at all!

Episode Six
Chains
"When Oliver finds himself up to his chest in iron spikes he has but one course of action - to play charades with a crazed Diesel interrogator."

Guest Starring
Diesel 10 as Prince Diesel Ten the Indestructible
Devious Diesel as Torturer
Arry the Scrapyard Diesel as 1st Guard
Bert the Scrapyard Diesel as 2nd Guard

The Queen's Chamber

Oliver: Get out! Get out, libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you, where you'll both rot in the filth of your own fornication!

Queen Emily: ...and what did you say to *him*?

Oliver: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window.

Queen Emily: Oh, Oliver! You're so naughty!

Oliver: Well, I try, Madam. And ten minutes later, when I've got my breath back, I try again... (Sticks his tongue out of his grinning mouth)

Henry: Perhaps now we can turn to more important matters of state.

Queen Emily: Oh, must we?

Henry: I fear so, Ma'am. It's a tragic case - my old tutor, Lord Forest. His son has been kidnapped, and he begs you to help pay the ransom.

Queen Emily: Oliver, what would you say?

Oliver: Well, as you know, Madam, I've had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Zak.

Henry: Well, then, you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

Oliver: Indeed I do, and can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.

Queen Emily: Which was?

Oliver: 'Get stuffed.'

Henry: Oliver, you would jest over a young man's life?

Oliver: For 'young man' read 'young idiot'. Look, anyone stupid enough to let some dago come up to them in a corridor, say, 'Excuse me Meester,' and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.

(Leaves)

In the Corridor

Percy: Oh, hallo, you're in good fooling this morning.

Oliver: Thank you, Percy.

Percy: I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day...

Oliver: Oh, good. (Leaves)

(Oliver comes out of the next set of doors and meets a pair of Diesel guards)

Guard: Excuse me, Meister...

Oliver: Yes, what is it?

(Guard motions Oliver to Guard 2. Oliver leans over to hear what Guard 2 has to say. Guard 2 points to the back of Oliver's head, where Guard hits Oliver over the head with a big stick)

Oliver: I said 'What is it?' - Not 'Hit me hard on the head wi-' (collapses)

In the Queen's Chamber

Queen Emily: You know, Heny, I've completely changed my mind about that Forest bloke. I mean, he's obviously very stupid, but we can't go around punishing people for that, can we?

Henry: Certainly not, Ma'am.

Queen Emily: No - if we went around punishing people for being stupid, Caroline would have been in prison all her life.

Henry: A very piquant observation, Majesty.

Queen Emily: So I *will* sign this ransom, but it must be the last. (As she writes the order) Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Henry: Surely not 'hope to die', Majesty.

Queen Emily: Er, oh, alright, I'll cross that out... Er, here you are. Sorry about the smudge.

Henry: Thank you, Ma'am. (Leaves)

In the Corridor

Guard: Excuse me, Meister...

Henry: Yes?

(G motions Henry to G2. Henry leans to G2. G2 points. G hits.)

In a Prison

(Oliver wakes up; Henry is with him. They are tied back-to-back.)

Oliver: Oh, God, God, God. What on Earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's an Irishman living in it. (Looks around) Where am I?

Henry: (groans) Oooooh...

Oliver: Who's there?

Henry: It is I: Henry.

Oliver: Henry! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. It's a real mess!

Henry: This is no time for jokes, Oliver! We've been kidnapped!

Oliver: Oh, God... How incredibly embarrassing!

Henry: As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport!

(Insane laughter of Diesel Torturer)

Oliver: (as though he's about to meet someone stupid) Oh, God, who's that?

Torturer: (leans to Henry, says something in Diesel)

Oliver: Just wait a minute! If anyone is going to be spoken to around here, it's going to be me, alright? Tell him, Heny.

Henry: Certainly. (Points behind him, to Oliver, as he and Oliver wiggle around so Oliver faces Torturer) Parlo con lui - no mio (something) - parlo con lui.

Torturer: Ah, bueno. (Looks at Oliver) El Je'fe! (Says same thing he said to Henry)

Oliver: Ah, that's better. (Pause) Now, what's he saying?

Henry: He says he would like a word with you.

Oliver: Uh huh. Anything else?

Henry: Yes. He says he would like to torture you as well.

Later. Oliver, in a small box with his head, arms and legs sticking out (legs shackled as well), is alone in the prison with Torturer. Torturer is turning a key in the box presumably to move spikes into Oliver's body.

Oliver: Right. Now, am I, by any chance, addressing a senior dignitary of the Diesel Inquisition?

Torturer: Te gusta, la de la Inquisicion!

Oliver: (not understanding a word) Good... Because, if I am, I wish to make it quite clear that I am prepared to tell you absolutely *anything*.

Torturer: Habla puer?

Oliver: No speako dago. I demand to see the Sudrain ambassador, *understand*?

Torturer: (winding some more) Necesito silencio para comesa.

Oliver: Oh for God's sake! Look, how can you question me if you don't speak Sudric?

Torturer: No! *Yo* pregunto las questionnes!

Oliver: Alright, let's start with the basics. Sudric is a non-inflected Indo-European language derived from dialects of...

In the corridor outside Queen's Chamber

(Queenie and Thomas are playing frisbee)

Thomas: (catches, holds the disc up triumphantly) How's that!

Queen Emily: Thomas, who's Queen?

Thomas: (drops disc) Whoops! Butterfingers!

Queen Emily: Ah, so I win again.

Thomas: Yes. Well done, Your Majesty!

(They enter the throne room. Caroline is feeding Percy by hand.)

Queen Emily: There's definitely been no sign of Oliver.

Thomas: I fear not, Ma'am.

Queen Emily: Why he vanished? Simply vanished...

Thomas: Like an old oak table...

Queen Emily: *Vanished*, Lord Thomas - not *varnished*.

Thomas: Forgive me, My Lady, but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table completely vanished. 'Twas on the night of the great St. Stepney fire. And on that same terrible night, his house and all his other things completely vanished too. So did he, in fact. It was a most perplexing mystery.

Queen Emily: Lord Thomas?

Thomas: Yes?

Queen Emily: It's up to you: either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.

Thomas: (squints, thinks very long and hard about it) I'll shut up.

In the Prison

(Oliver and Torturer play charades in an attempt to communicate)

Torturer: Bastardo!

Oliver: Baa-taar-do... Barrister.

Torturer: Bastardo!

Oliver: Embarrassing. You're embarrassing. *I'm* embarrassing.

(Torturer clenches his fist, and curls his left arm underneath his right, and points it straight up in a familiar gesture.)

Oliver: Er, er, rogering!

(Torturer makes a very-fat gesture over his abdomen.)

Oliver: Err, pregnant!

(Torturer acts like he's cradling a baby, and makes little baby noises.)

Oliver: Baby! Baby!

(Torturer acts like he has tossed the baby.)

Oliver: Bathwater!

(Torture shakes his head, and then holds his ear.)

Oliver: Sounds like... oh! 'Bastard'!

Torturer: (excited at Oliver's correct guess) Si'! Si'! No este terminado. Hijo. Hijo!

Oliver: (not knowing that 'hijo' is a word, guesses by the sound of it) Donkey.

(Torturer shakes his head, puts his head in his hand.)

Torturer: (holds his hand horizontally above his head) Padre.

Oliver: Big bastard...

Torturer: (lowers the hand to a very short height) Hijo.

Oliver: Little bastard.

Torturer: (walking masculinity, speaks deeply) Padre...

Oliver: Man...

Torturer: (bends his knees as he walks and makes baby-like noises again) Hijo.

Oliver: Boy. Man, father... Oh! 'Son'! I'm a bastard's son.

Torturer: (gets on his hands and knees) Perra! (pants)

Oliver: Thirsty... Thirsty bastard.

(Torturer barks)

Oliver: Thirsty barking bastard. Oh, 'dog'! Dog. Right, dog.

(Torturer, on his knees, moves his hands to indicate breasts.)

Oliver: Woman.

(Torturer goes back on his hands and knees.)

Oliver: Dog.

(Torturer does the breast gesture again.)

Oliver: Woman, dog...*bitch*! I'm a bastard son of a bitch!

Torturer: Si'! Si'! (Shakes Oliver's hand)

Oliver: In that case, you are a fornicating baboon.

Torturer: Que?

Oliver: Oh dear. Er, *you*...

Torturer: (points to Oliver) Tu? (Sees Oliver is pointing at him, so he points himself) Yo...

Oliver: You, err, fornicating... Yes... I can't really do it in this box...

Later...

Torturer: ...tus testiculos.

Oliver: My, um, ah yes, those, yes...

Torturer: ...sobre un fuego grande.

Oliver: ...over a large...

Torturer: Fuego, fuego. (Makes fire motion with his hands, then blows on the tips of his fingers)

Oliver: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let's recap. Um...if I admit that I'm in love-

Torturer: (interjects) No! No! (Rolls onto his back)

Oliver: Sorry - head-over-heels in love - (Torturer makes various motions to indicate each thing) with Britt and all her little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument-

Torturer: Una polan~a, una polan~a.

Oliver: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite (obscured by laughter). Um, and roast them over a large fire.

Torturer: Si', si'.

Oliver: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Britt and...And...all her... her little wizards, (Torturer again is making appropriate gestures for each item) you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm sludge.

Torturer: (holds his hands out, expecting more) ...*y*...

Oliver: *And* remove my testicles with a blunt...oh I see. Well, well, in that case, I love Britt.

Torturer: (excited) Ohh ho ho! (Produces instrument)

Oliver: Oh, it's a *scythe*...

In the Queen's Chamber

Queen Emily: Oh, I don't know, I've looked everywhere.

Thomas: (with a finger to his temple as though he's being psychic) Perhaps...they're not...hiding...at all! Perhaps...they've been... kidnapped!

Queen Emily: Nonsense! ...what Oliver said: 'Only real idiots get kidnapped'.

Thomas: (frightened) Do they?! (Looks around nervously for kidnappers)

In the Prison

(Torturer is holding his scythe, ready to have a go at Oliver. Prince Diesel Ten enters, shouts 'Stop!' and whips Torturer down, who screams a bit and remains cowering.)

Diesel Ten: Forgive me, Herr Oliver. I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my appoloaggies.

Oliver: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

Diesel Ten: I hope this scum (Torturer burbles a bit) has not inconweenienced you.

Oliver: It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to inconweenience *me*.

Diesel Ten: Good. If he had inconweenienced you, I was going to offer you his tongue.

Oliver: Believe me, sir: if he had inconweeniened me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer.

Diesel Ten: Let me assure you, Herr Oliver: if I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconweenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue.

Oliver: Yes, well, enough of this banters. Who the Hit are you, oil breath?

Diesel Ten: You do not remember me then, Herr Oliver?

Oliver: I don't believe I had the pleasure.

Diesel Ten: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game at the Old Pizzle in Kirk Ronan?

Oliver: My God!

Diesel Ten: Yes! I was the waitress.

Oliver: (shocked) I don't believe it! *You*? Big Sally?

Diesel Ten: (falsetto) 'Will you have another piece of pie, My Lord?'

Oliver: ...but I went to bed with you, didn't I?

Diesel Ten: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

Oliver: Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!

Diesel Ten: Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy...

Oliver: Yes, alright, alright (obscured by laughter). Now, would you mind-

Diesel Ten: (again falsetto) 'Such a disappointment for a girl...'

Oliver: Yes, alright, you've had your little joke.

Diesel Ten: 'It really doesn't matter - we'll try again in a few minutes. Have a look through these naughty parchments.'

Oliver: Oh, yes, we *are* proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say 'Zur' instead of 'Sir', where sense at all social gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.

Diesel Ten: (angered, shouts) Be quiet!

Oliver: What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repertoire, I wonder... Aaah, a brilliant drunk Harwicker, no doubt. A hilarious black man: 'See you, Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon'. (Obscured by laughter) I can't wait for your side-splitting poof and that funny little one who isn't anyone in particular, but he's such a scream. And most of all, I like the one you do all the time, that fatheaded diesel chamber pot standing in front of me.

Diesel Ten: You know; you talk too much, Oliver. I think it's a case of werbal diarrhoea that you are having. I should, perhaps, tell you that I have given the Queen only a week to reply to my ransom demand. Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.

Oliver: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.

Diesel Ten: You find yourself amusing, Oliver.

Oliver: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

Diesel Ten: You know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.

Oliver: At least when I *am* in the mood, I *can* be amusing.

Diesel Ten: Then choose your next witticism carefully, Herr Oliver; it may be your last. Guards, fetch his friend.

Guards: (enter with Henry) Ein, zwei, ein, zwei...

Henry: (crying, expecting to be thrown into a very deep pit) Oh no, please! (They throw him down) Oooooh! (He lands on the lower level, about three feet below, and looks rather surprised)

Diesel Ten: Lord Henry, we meet again.

Henry: No, I don't think we've had the pleasure...

Diesel Ten: You do not recognise me, then?

Henry: No...

Diesel Ten: Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you were in Maron; at the monastery, there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk.

Henry: Good Lord! Dimkins?

Diesel Ten: Yes! I was one of his sheep.

Henry: One of his sheep? Not...?

Diesel Ten: Yes!

Henry: Flossy?

Diesel Ten: Yes!

Henry: But didn't we...? (Waves his hands in an exchanging fashion)

Diesel Ten: Yes, Lord Henry! BBBAAAAA!

Henry: Oh my God!

Diesel Ten: But enough of such pleasant reminiscences, eh? The guard has found an interesting document in your clothing.

Henry: Oh, I shouldn't pay much attention to that if I were you.

Diesel Ten: The Queen says that she will pay only one ransom, 'But it must be the last. Absolutely the last. Final. Full stop. Never again. Cross my heart and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.' She has a difficult choice in front of her, has she not?

Oliver: Not really. Bad luck, Heners. Still... Life - huh! - Overrated, I reckon.

Diesel Ten: Yes, gentlemen. Well, if you excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots don't just make themselves you know. (Exits laughing, the guards join in)

In the Queen's Chamber

Thomas: (reading a note from Diesel Ten; oddly, as he reads it, he has an accent like Diesel Ten's)

Dear Qveen,
I, evil Prince Diezel the Indestructible, have your two friends, and you must shoose between zem. The ransom is one million crona. Many many appoloaggies for the inconweenience.

Queen Emily: Oh, my goodness! What a difficult choice!

Caroline: But it isn't the first difficult choice you've ever had to make, my little tadpole.

Queen Emily: No, that's true.

Caroline: In the old days, it was all difficult choices. Should you have Caroline Milk or Moo Cow Milk? Of course, it was always Caroline milk, ha-ha But then left breasty-dumpling or right breasty-dumpling? Of course, it was always both breasty-dumplings, ha-ha. Aah, but then which one first?

Queen Emily: Shut up, Caroline! Ahh, this is very confusing. Lord Thomas, play a while to calm my spirits.

Thomas: (holding a lute) Certainly, Ma'am. (Gives the lute to Percy) Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man. Ah-ha, you're it! Ring-a-ring o' rosey, all fall down. (Appropriate movements accompany all those)

(Queen is speechless; shakes her head.)

In the Prison

Henry: What say you, Oliver, I sing a song to keep our spirits up?

Oliver: That all depends on whether you want the slop-bucket over your head or not.

Henry: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

Oliver: Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.

Henry: For God's sake, man! We must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us!

Oliver: Awaits you, Heny - not me. How's my beard looking?

Henry: Alas! Shall I ever see Sodor more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...

Oliver: ...and her playful sheep.

(Enter Diesel Ten)

Oliver: Ah, about time, too!

Diesel Ten: Gentlemen, the answer has arrived.

Oliver: Well, thank God; I'm sick of this place. The conditions are just disgraceful! Why, it's like a prison in here!

Diesel Ten: I shall read it to you.

Oliver: Ah, typical master criminal - loves the sound of his own voice...

Diesel Ten: After long and very careful deliberation, the Queen has decided to extend the ransom money on...

(Cut to Queen writing this very letter)

Queen Emily: ...a big party. Just impossible to decide between my two faves, so I've decided to keep the cash, have a whizzy-jolly time and try to forget both of you. Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!

(Cut to prison)

Oliver: WHAT?!

Diesel Ten: 'Hope you're not too miffed. Byeeeeee!' Well, as you can imagine, my friends, this makes me very unhappy.

Oliver: (sarcastically) Oh, I am sorry.

Diesel Ten: But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to your queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.

Oliver: Are you suggesting we betray her?

Diesel Ten: Oh yes.

Oliver: Alright.

Henry: Oliver! What are you saying? What of loyalty? Honour? Self-respect?

Oliver: What of them?

Henry: Nothing...

Diesel Ten: So you will both play balls?

Henry & Oliver: Yep.

Diesel Ten: Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and incorruptible Sudric knobs. So proud of your great big stiff upper lips, hmm?

Oliver: Gloating is a sign of insecurity, Diesel Ten - shove it. Now, do you want to know how to get to the Queen or not?

Diesel Ten: Yes, I thought some kind of disguise. You know, I do a very good Cora, Queen of Wales. (turns away, rustles his hair, raises his shoulders and turns back to them, speaking in falsetto very thick Welsh dialect (actually this voice is not that of the actor, but is a woman's voice)) 'Hoots, mon! Whar's me heid?'

In the Queen's Chamber (Percy is eating from a dog dish that Queen holds.)

Queen Emily: What sort of party should it be?

Thomas: Oh, fancy dress. I love fancy dress.

Queen Emily: Caroline?

Nursie: I think it should be one of those ones where everybody comes with nothing on at all.

Queen Emily: Shut up, then. (To Thomas) I agree with you, Acting Lord Thomas. If we're really to forget our woes, then we should have as much fun as possible. And what can be more fun than a party where people come dressed as frogs and rabbits and nuns?

Nursie: ...and bits of wood!

Queen Emily: You're not going to come as a bit of wood.

Nursie: Aren't I?

Queen Emily: No!

Nursie: Ah. Well, how about a pencil, then? Should I come as a pencil?

Queen Emily: Don't be silly, Caroline. You always talk like this and you always end up coming as the same thing.

Nursie: Do I?

Queen Emily: Yes, you know- of co- everybo- (gives up. addresses Percy) Lassie, what does Caroline always come to fancy-dress parties dressed as?

Percy: I thought everybody knew.

Queen Emily: Yes - everybody, apparently, except Caroline. Tell her.

Percy: She always comes as a cow.

Caroline: Yes, that's right! A lovely lovely cow with great big lovely udders. I swiggle around going 'Mmmoooooo! Come to Caroline Cow, you lovely little heifers!' (Thomas doesn't find this very appealing) Oh yes! What fun! Oh, I want to be a cow again, please?

Queen Emily: Shut up. (To Thomas) Isn't Caroline stupid?

Thomas: She certainly is, Ma'am. (Forced laugh)

Queen Emily: You see? We're having a good time already! We've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison, haven't we? (Spoken in a tone with which - and she looks around like - no one should dare disagree)

Thomas: (gets a joke in his head; seems rather pleased; puts on a fake curious face) what chaps?

Thomas, Percy, Caroline and Queen Emily: Pbbbbffffff!

In the Prison

(Guards enter with Diesel Ten)

Gaurds: Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

Diesel Ten: My friends, I come to bid you farewell. These guards will eventually die of old age, but their sons will, I'm sure, go on attending to your needs.

Oliver: Thank you for your concern, but, in fact, we intend to escape.

Diesel Ten: With your information, gentlemen, I intend to bring down your Queen and country. The Master of Disguise will become the Master of the World! (turns to leave, laughing maniacally)

Oliver: Yes, er, one thing, Diesel Ten, just before you go...

Diesel Ten: What?

Oliver: Were you ever bullied at school?

Diesel Ten: (a bit defensive) What do you mean?

Oliver: Well, all this ranting and raving about power - there must be some reason for it.

Diesel Ten: Nonsense! No, er, at my school, having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity!

Oliver: I thought so... and I'll bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year! (the guards look at each other for a moment in reaction)

Diesel Ten: Shut up! Shut up! When I am King of Sodor, no one will ever dare call me Shorty-Greasy-Oily-Stinky-Crazy-Baldy-Spot-Spot again! (the guards again look up a bit surprised at this news. Diesel Ten and guards leave)

Oliver: Touched a nerve there, I think...

Henry: What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?

Oliver: Nah, don't worry, I've got a plan.

Henry: Really?

Oliver: Yes. Now that Diesel Ten's gone, we should no trouble overcoming the guards. Diesels are sticklers for efficiency and I've been watching their routine. I've selected the moment when they're at their most vulnerable. That is when we will attack them.

Henry: Brilliant! How?

Oliver: That is the most cunning bit... (sticks his tongue out slyly)

Later

(Guards approach)

Guards: (in background) Ein, zwei, ein zwei...

Oliver: Right, now this is it. Don't forget, when they are at their most *vulner- able*.

Guards: Ein, zwei...Halt! Jingle the keys: (keys jingle) Open the door! (door opens) Greetings to the prisoners: (they take one step in, and wave) Guten abend, Sodorer-scum! March to the table: Ein zwei, ein zwei, ein zwei...Halt! Food on the table: ein zwei! (they put down a loaf of bread and a sausage). Spit on the food: ein zwei! Insulting further gestures to the prisoners: ein zwei, ein zwei! (they do pelvic thrusts)

Oliver: Now! (Oliver & Henry hit their groins)

Guards: OOOOHHH!

Oliver: (shaking out his hand) Trust me to get the hard one! (They head for the stairs. Oliver grabs Henry and throws him off the stairs, so he can leave first.)

In the Queen's Chamber

Queen Emily: (dressed as Henry III, complete with beard; speaks as deeply as she can) Yo ho ho! Off with their headsfor cutting them trees!

Thomas: Ma'am, it is brilliant! Your father is born again!

Queen Emily: Bally well hope not, or else I won't be Queen anymore! Er, yours is a pretty good, too. What is it?

Thomas: It's nothing, Ma'am - just a mere trifle I threw together.

Queen Emily: Doesn't look much like a trifle. Looks more like a fruit salad to me.

Thomas: I see Caroline's really excelled herself.

Caroline: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!

Queen Emily: Yes, she has. (looks down at Percy, who has a pencil up each nostril) I'm not sure about this, though. What are you meant to be?

Percy: A pencil case.

Queen Emily: (ecstatically) Yes! Oh, it's just like parties I had when I was tiny. We had tea and cakes and venison, and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions!

Thomas: How sweet.

Queen Emily: ...if I *wanted* my little friends executed, that is. Oh, how I do wish Oliver could be here. He always loved parties, and always always wore very very tight tights.

Thomas: (thinking the same dumb joke can work twice) Oliver who?

(Oliver enters)

Oliver: Oliver Westadder!

Queen Emily: Oh!

Oliver: Majesty...

Queen Emily: (removing her beard) Oh, Oliver! But...

Oliver: Did you ever know me to miss a party?

Queen Emily: (excited, then serious) But what about Lord Henry?

Oliver: Yes... Unfortunately, Ma'am, he made it too.

(Henry enters)

Henry: Rapture! Joy beyond measure! Bliss (kisses her hand) which cannot counted on one's fingers!

Oliver: (softly) Bbaaaaa...

Queen Emily: Sorry, Oliver?

Oliver: Nothing...

Queen Emily: Yes, um, unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here. (motions to Percy, who is gnawing on a large bone) Your animal still isn't house-trained, Thomas's still unemployed, and Caroline's one stick short of a bundle.

Nursie: MMMMOOOOOOOOO!

Oliver: Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding me. (takes his sword out and stabs the cow)

Queen Emily: Caroline! (to Oliver) You killed Caroline! (downplayed) Oh, that's horrid... (shouts again) Guards! Guards! Take him away and execute him! He's killed Caroline!

Caroline: (entering from the hall, wearing a multi-uddered, horrible cow costume; not wearing the head) Can anyone help me with my udders?

Queen Emily: Caroline?

Caroline: Yes?

Oliver: Yes, and may I introduce you to our erstwhile captor, Prince Diesel Ten the Indestructible! (removes the cow head from Diesel Ten in the good cow costume)

(all gasp)

Diesel Ten: Ah, Queen Emily, we meet again.

Queen Emily: Er, no, I don't think so, actually.

Diesel Ten: Yes - you remember when you were young; your father used to take you riding on a magnificent grey pony that you used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard. (Queen is embarrassed and motions for him to pass that bit.) *I*, I was the tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.

Queen Emily: No!

Diesel Ten: Yes!

Queen Emily: You?

Diesel Ten: Uh-huh.

Queen Emily: Shorty-Greasy-Oily-Stinky-Crazy-Baldy-Spot-Spot?

Diesel Ten: (stands, shouts) No! No, no, no! You will - all of you - regret the day that you have mocked my complexion. (rushes to the hallway) I shall return and vreak my rewenghee! (laughs maniacally, sets about opening the outer doors)

Oliver: No - you will die and be buried. (Oliver throws a large knife into the hallway. There is a thunk, and a brief scream from Diesel Ten.)

Cast: Hurray!

Oliver: (calmly) ...strange man.

Queen Emily: But how did you know it was him?

Oliver: This was the information with which we bought our lives. We told him that, if the Queen was having a party, Caroline always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.

Queen Emily: How could you be sure it was not Caroline?

Oliver: Because, My Lady, Diesel Ten was a master of disguise, whereas Caroline is a sad, insane old woman with a udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one that *looked like* the cow. That was the mistake I knew that Diesel Ten would make. His disguise was too good!

Queen Emily: Gosh, Oliver! How brilliant! Welcome home.

Oliver: Well, I must say, Ma'am, it's good to be back.

Thomas: Welcome, Oliver. Did you...miss me?

Oliver: I certainly did. Many was the time, Thomas, I said to myself, 'I wish Thomas was here-

(Thomas embraces Oliver)

Oliver: '...being tortured instead of me.'

Thomas: Gah, we have missed your wit!

Percy: Did you miss me, My Lord?

Oliver: Ermmm... 'Perky', is it?

Percy: That's right.

Oliver: No, not really.

Queen Emily: And me... did you miss me, Oliver?

Oliver: Madam, life without you was like...a broken pencil.

Queen Emily: (confused) Explain...?

Oliver: Pointless.

Oliver finally catches the balladeer, and drowns him in the fountain

Beware all ye who lust for fame
The path of life is most uncertain
Prince Diesel Ten thought he'd won the game
But now the kraut's gone for a burton

Westadder! Westadder!
He beat the Hun by luck
Westadder! Westadder!
He's smarter than a duck

Henry! Henry!
Intelligent and deep
Henry! Henry!
A shame about the sheep

Epilogue...

A low-toned bell rings. We see Thomas, Oliver, Queen, Caroline, Percy, and Henry. All are dead with slit throats.

Prince Diesel Ten is disguised as Queen, and is holding a knife.

Diesel Ten: (laughs) Now *this* is a disguise I'm *really* going to enjoy! If I can just get the voice right...

Please review!

Preview for Season 3: For generation his family had been abuse but no more! Now he will be the one pay them for all the abuse that done to his family as result; the curse of the adder now pass to... Percy Smalladder!