Note: First DMMD fic wooooop. Because Koujaku deserves more. Also I breathe Koujaku atm. Bear with it. HEHEHE

Disclaimer applies.

Part

When Aoba told him that he had started going out with Noiz, Koujaku felt his perpetual smile freeze in its place.

When Aoba told him (a few beats after coming out) that he will be living with Noiz in Germany, Koujaku's jaw dropped in utter surprise, but he was still smiling, making him sport some sort of an odd grin that freaked Aoba out.

"I—Isn't this too soon?"

Aoba was sure that the displeasure clouding Koujaku's eyes was because he loathed Noiz the most, and he couldn't help but awkwardly chuckle in response.

"Yeah."

(95)

Koujaku had started coming over almost every day after work, claiming that he wanted to hang out with his childhood friend while he can.

Once, he had jokingly confessed that he's going to miss Aoba and why don't you just stay here it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

The blue-haired man became obviously conflicted because of his words and when Koujaku realized this, he felt a sudden squeeze on his chest and for a second he couldn't breathe. He looked away and muttered very, very reluctantly, "On the second thought, I guess it'd be fine since I'd get to eat Tae-san's cooking all by myself."

Aoba looked annoyed, but then he smiled slightly. "...hippo."

The squeeze was more intense now.

Koujaku was fully aware of how important he was to the other person. He knew that Aoba had thought this through, and it wasn't easy for him. He also knew that he would stay if he asked him to—but he couldn't do that. He could never do anything that'd make Aoba feel chained and discontented, and it made him angry at himself for selfishly suggesting something that might destroy Aoba.

He just wanted Aoba to smile. It was his saving grace, after all, and he'd do everything to preserve it.

Even if it meant losing his own.

(218)

On the week before the couple's departure, Noiz started coming over as well.

Needless to say, Koujaku was irritated when he was greeted by the young man's smirking face as he opened the door; much more so when Noiz's gaze flicked upward until it rested on top of his head before sliding down, slowly, toward the tips of his sandals.

Koujaku felt like he was being mocked and scrutinized at the same time.

He gave a low, warning growl—like a dog would to an unwanted guest, but it just made Noiz smirk even wider.

"Noiz!"

The young man looked over Koujaku's shoulder upon being called, and the latter noticed the edges of his eyes crinkling in unvoiced delight, with his gaze turning soft. Even the haughty smirk reserved for Koujaku was now replaced by a startlingly warm smile—one that's especially reserved for Aoba.

Koujaku liked it when people smiled, and as expected, he thought it suited Noiz-and now that he's piercing-less and clad in a formal attire, Koujaku grudgingly admitted that it made him more charming than before.

And as Noiz walked over to Aoba and greeted him with a small peck on his lips, with the latter responding by flushing in embarrassment, Koujaku thought Noiz was the most charming when he's with Aoba.

Placing a scarred hand on his chest, Koujaku realized he hadn't paid attention to the word 'intensify' before.

(235)

Koujaku couldn't remember when he started seeing Aoba's home as his own, but he could as hell remember when he stopped.

He hid behind his rice bowl as he quietly gazed at the two persons seated across him, chattering together amicably while eating. They did not look like a couple yet—or maybe they did, just not in public.

He paused from eating, eyes fluttering to the empty seat beside him with a forlorn expression. Normally, Aoba would sit beside him, and the sight of his friend talking to somebody else made him feel weirdly lonely.

It shouldn't bother him—it didn't bother him most of the time, but being hyper-aware of Aoba's relationship with Noiz had him harboring an entirely different feeling.

It was pointless, but Koujaku was getting angry at himself.

"What're you being quiet there about, old man?" Noiz soft, teasing voice suddenly rose.

"Mind your own business, gaki."

Koujaku merely glanced at him before returning his attention back to his food.

Noiz seemed to retort at first, but paused as he stared contemplatively at Koujaku. "Hm," he muttered when something clicked within him.

They continued talking and Koujaku continued eating while trying to tune them out. Strangely, he wanted to make his presence as small as humanly possible. He also wanted to leave right now but it'd be rude to Tae-san if he didn't finish up. These mixed feelings didn't help with anything and he ended up overhearing them anyway.

"What's this?"

"Oh, that's—"

"And this? What about this—oh, it's sweet."

"Hehe."

"What're you laughing about?"

"Nothing. Pft."

"What the heck..."

"That's because you only eat pizza and pasta, you brat."

"Hmph."

Tae suddenly shuffled over to them and Koujaku was kind of grateful for the interruption. The lady placed an extra platter of food before him.

He glanced up at her inquiringly, but she only patted his hair and smiled kindly, which was unusual for her.

"You should eat more, Koujaku."

(328)

Running a thumb across his lips, Koujaku trudged up the stairs in a lazy manner. His lips felt twitchy—he needed to smoke. He needed to smoke now.

The man walked down the hallway, following a certain direction he knew all too well. Pausing in front of the door to Aoba's room, he raised his hand and silently turned the knob.

"Do you miss them?"

Startled, Koujaku jerked the door closed, but remembering the last time this kind of thing happened, he blocked the gap with his foot so that he wouldn't make any noise.

But his foot took the toll.

He mouthed a curse as he let go of the knob, making the door bounce back a little. Silently howling in pain, he hunched back and nursed the aching spot as tears started welling at the corners of his eyes.

"Hm... well, I guess they're okay."

"You're so hard to please."

Momentarily forgetting the pain, he straightened up. His hand encased the doorknob once more, attempting to close the door as he did not want to hear them any further.

His eyes caught sight of Aoba smiling affectionately at Noiz.

Koujaku will never again have the privelege to be at the receiving end of that smile.

Feeling suddenly weak, he slumped down on the floor.

He had always thought that nothing could hurt him more than the pain (every aspect of it) he felt when his tattoo was inflicted on him.

(242)

The days after they left were the most hellish for Koujaku.

His behavior, fortunately, didn't affect his work. He was still the impeccable hairdresser and Rib head that everybody knew. He was still the gentle Koujaku-san who treated women as treasures. Women still fawn over him. He still flirted. He still slept around.

However, he would never admit it, but no amount of sex and orgasm could distract him from the dark, muddy feeling fostering deep within him.

Sometimes he'd find himself lounging inside Aoba's home, or wandering listlessly at the park, or drinking until he's dead drunk at Mizuki's bar.

These days he didn't know whether he'd go to his place or Aoba's or wherever, as no place made him feel home anymore.

He found himself standing outside Aoba's at the moment. Sighing, he let himself in—having been given a spare key so he could check on Tae-san occasionally—and slumped on the dining table, his head resting within the confines of his arms.

Shortly, the man felt a light tap on his right arm. He flinched a bit before looking up. "Tae-san, how are you doing? It's always nice to see you," he asked with his usual smile.

"Fine. I see you let yourself in. Again. Is it hard for you to at least appear shameful?" She started reprimanded him grumpily. She was also placing him a cup of tea while she chattered. "And it's rude to lean on the table, young man."

Koujaku chuckled lightly as he straightened up, but paused halfway at the lady's next words.

"But it's fine if you do. It's fine either way."

The man let out a rather sad smile and he hastily dived into the table as he felt his eyes heating up.

Aoba wouldn't want him to be like this. Aoba wouldn't want to see him feel so alone.

Aoba.

He knew everything Aoba wanted for him—and he knew everything he wanted for himself too.

Aoba wouldn't want him to sink.

Everything he thought he should be and everything he felt clashed horribly, and it made him really, really angry with himself.

Aoba wanted him to be happy, too.

He felt frustrated when his feelings betrayed him. He wanted to get over it, but his heart was stuck, not letting go of Aoba even though the latter never held on from the start.

Aoba wouldn't want him to give in.

The man felt very, very tired.

But I want to give in.

And then, something warm started lapping over a small part of Koujaku's back.

(427)

FIN