Disclaimer - Queen of the Moors I may be, but owner of Harry Potter I am not.

A/N: Hey. Sorry this is so late in the evening. Exam season will be the death of me. However, everything will be over by 10:20am tomorrow!
Hope you enjoy this one. It was the most fun to write.

Dear Remus,

The worst has happened, and no, I don't mean a world chocolate shortage – I mean that I, Sirius Black, have departed from this world. I know, I know, what is the point of life if I am not there? After all, I am the best thing that ever happened to you. Try not to cry too much, though, we'll meet again someday. Look for me when you come to heaven. You'll find me in the nearest strip club.
By the way - if you're reading this and I'm still alive, put it the fuck down.

I'm going to be honest, mate; I'm not really enjoying writing this letter. James sent me one and it was one of the most depressing things I've ever read. Imagine it: fresh out of Azkaban and I get greeted with a fucking goodbye letter! So sorry if this knocks you down a bit, but try not to go all Robert Smith on me. I know you; you'll revert back to 1977 and start wearing black eyeliner. Remus, it may have suited you then but it won't do now you've finally completed puberty.

Actually, I've just realised that if I'm dead then you're the last Marauder! (I'm not counting the Dick-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named) Try not to be too smug about it; you must remember that it's an extremely important responsibility, akin to becoming Minister for Magic. But sexier.

Getting down to the businessy side of stuff: the house is Harry's. Just warn him about the…thing in Kreecher's den (is it a monster? I think it might be my mother's spirit) and perhaps tell him to get the house fumigated…or demolished. You know what, fuck it and just leave everything to the kid. God knows he needs a hand in life. You'll find all the legal crap in my bedside cabinet or somewhere in my room, at least.

Don't go thinking I haven't left you anything, though! Upon my inevitably heroic and dramatic death a sizeable sum of money should be transferred to your Gringotts account. Use it to buy a pair of trousers that actually fit. I've had enough of seeing you in your dad's old ankle flappers! Also, get a haircut – you look like a seventies throwback. Oh, and stop shaking your head. I can sense you doing it, now I'm dead I'm omnipotent and I can tell you're already rejecting the money. Remus, I spent three years post-Hogwarts shoving galleons down the back of your sofa so please don't get all self-righteous now. I'm dead. What am I going to do with the money?

I have also left you my collection of "magazines" to entertain yourself with before you finally get a leg over Nymphadora. Speaking of which, when you do get with my cousin: hide those magazines. I'd say give them to Harry but I seriously doubt the Boy Who Lived will be struggling for girls.

Finally, I've encased in this letter a little list of pick-up lines. Maybe practice them before trying any on Tonks.

Funeral wise I want a big one. I want, nee demand, a big band to play me out to Another One Bites The Dust. See if you can get the remaining members of Queen there. Mention my name to Brian May and he'll be putty in your hands. Try to get Stubby Boardman too, don't explain anything to him, just invite him and see what the Quibbler says. For my grave marker I don't just want some shit slab of stone with my date of birth and death on it. No, I want a fucking statue of me in all my prime – preferably naked. If you can't find anyone to sculpt me just steal that David one by that bloke (Michael-something?), I swear, the resemblance is uncanny.

Wear bright colours, too. I can't be having with any of that all-black bullshit. Also, get someone to dress up as the Grim Reaper and tap Dumbledore on the shoulder saying, "You're next…" I will piss myself if someone does that! Promise me you'll all get drunk, too. Minerva McGonagall included.

Okay. Down to the important, awkward stuff:

I did a lot of stupid things in my life. I said a lot of things I regret, as well. Nasty things. A lot of them directed at you. Let's be honest, I was a shit friend. I lied, I fucked you over, I bullied you, I slept with girls that you loved, and I'm pretty sure I sold your cat Vienna for rent. Then there was that whole thing with Snape and the Whomping Willow, which, if it hadn't been for James Hero Potter, would've resulted in someone's death.

Despite how all of this must have seemed, though, I did love you. Always will. Yes, it's soppy, but if I didn't have you when I came out of Azkaban then I don't think I'd have lasted. You truly were the best mate a man could ever have wished for.

Don't mope over my death for too long because I know what you can be like, you moody bastard. I'll allow you one drunken listen to Without You by Harry Nilson then you have to get over it. Yes, I'm amazing, but you'll never get laid if all you can do is cry about me all the time. Girls don't like it when you break down in the middle of sex and start sobbing a man's name. It's off-putting.

Don't let Harry mope too much, either. I don't know what it is about the kid but he seems like he might be one of those people - all angsty and depressed (like you). Mind, I suppose that's just fifteen year olds for you. Damn! Look at me sounding all adult!

Just…look after him for me, yeah? Promise to do a better job than I have.

After I go you just need to get your life back on track and go for Tonks. I give you my honest to God blessing to shag the living daylights out of her. However, I only ask that you don't be a twat and dump her because you're "dangerous". By blood she is a Black, which means that she's the bloody dangerous one.

Oh, and there's a pot of Vaseline on my bedside table, so if that muggle thing (cloning?) ever works you can get another me! If not, keep the pot for yourself and think of me when you use it. (Dirty bugger)

I'll miss you, you uptight, lanky, annoying, amazing little knob-head!

Signing out,

Sirius Black.

P.S. Tell the ministry to go fuck themselves for me.

P.P.S. Sorry for eating your last bar of Honeydukes Finest chocolate. And for washing it down with your entire bottle of Firewhisky. I just have an addictive personality. I swear it's a problem! To the point where it could be diagnosed as a real illness. Perhaps alcoholism.

Signing out for real this time,

Sirius Black, Lord of the Dance.

Pick up lines

1. If women were bogies I'd pick you.

2. You may fall off a broom or from heaven, but the best way to fall is in love with me.

3. If a fat bloke shoves you in a bag tonight don't worry because I asked for you for Christmas.

4. Do I know you? Sorry it's just that you look a lot like my next girl friend.

5. If I had a garden I'd put my two lips and your two lips together.

6. You're so sweet that you put Honeydukes out of business.

7. Hagrid's not the only giant around here you know?

8. My love burns for you like a dying phoenix.

9. Are you slipping me Skele-Gro? Because you are growing me one huge bone.

10. Do you have something in your eye? Wait no it's just a sparkle.

And here Remus is my best one:

You don't even have to use Lumos to turn me on.

Use them well.

I'll say it:

Love

Sirius