Kensi was sitting with Deeks on his couch. The TV was on and both were looking in its direction, but neither one was really paying much attention.
Her arm started out resting on the back of the couch behind him. Slowly her fingers made their way to his neck. Tentatively at first, she brush against his skin. Now feeling much bolder, she was enjoying the way his hair felt between fingers as she gently ran her nails across his scalp. She knew by the way he kept leaning back into her touch that he liked it too.
"You're enjoying that?"
"Uh huh... I have to say..." He closed his eyes and moaned softly. "... I certainly like it more than being punched."
They both chuckled, but Kensi felt bitterness behind his words. Nervousness settled in her stomach. Something was bothering him more than he wanted to let on, but he wasn't offering anymore of an explanation. She could feel herself getting frustrated with him, but she tried to stop herself. Whenever she got mad at him for not saying what he meant, the results were at times exhilarating, but better communication was never a part of it.
What if she just came out and asked him what was wrong? What if he said it was nothing? What if he didn't want to talk about it? What if she didn't like what he had to say?
The thing was that Kensi already knew the answers to these questions. There was definitely something more behind his words. She also knew that if she truly wanted something more with him, if their partnership was not enough for her, then she had to break out of her comfort zone and out of their cycle of terrible communication.
"You don't like it when I do that to you."
He shrugged. "Not so much."
"I won't do it again."
He rolled his eyes. "We'll see about that the next time I get on your nerves for who knows what reason."
"Deeks." Kensi waited for him to look in her direction and meet her gaze. She was trying to show him exactly how serious she was. "I mean it. It won't happen again."
His expression softened and he gave her a genuine smile. "This is kind of weird. Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Do I need a reason?"
"No, I guess not. Maybe I'm just not used to it."
"Well, maybe that should change."
The butterflies in her stomach had picked up their pace. This was unchartered territory for them. But despite not really knowing what the hell she was doing, she had to press on. She reached for the remote and turned off the TV.
"Um... I was thinking about us and I'm kind of confused about something."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I know we talked before, but I'm still not sure where you and I really are."
Deeks looked down at his hands. Kensi gave him time to respond. When he didn't, she continued. "Because to me, it felt... it felt like you were saying 'no' to us. That you wanted to take a step back."
Deeks took in a deep breath and licked his lips. "Um... yeah, that was kind of what I was saying."
Kensi felt her heart drop. This was exactly what she was afraid of hearing. This was exactly why she avoided talking to him about this for weeks. But she'd be damned if she was going to let this be the end of it.
"I don't know if that's such a good idea."
"Really?" His brow was furrowed.
"Yeah, I mean, we both obviously enjoyed where our thing has taken us. I don't see why we have to stop or put it on hold."
"So, let me see if I got this right." Deeks turned towards her. "Are you saying that because we had sex once and it was great..."
"More than great, actually." Kensi smiled and blushed at the memory.
"Yes. Okay. Right. More than great. Spectacular even. Are you saying that naturally means that we should just keep having sex?"
"Sounds about right to me."
"With that logic, I should just keep having sex with all the women I've been with before."
Kensi shuffled a little closer to him. "I don't really want to share you with anyone else..." She smiled and brought her hand up to his face, savoring the feeling of his scruff on her fingers. "... even though I'm sure that would make those two other women very happy."
"How dare you." He smiled. "There's been at least three others."
She moved even closer to him, leaving a small space between her mouth and his. "Look... I know we had some things we had to figure out... and it seems like you still might be struggling with something. But I know what I want and I don't know how much longer I can go without saying it."
He spoke softly. "What do you want?"
"You."
She closed the distance between them and kissed him softly. It was gentle and brief, but Kensi was hit with the realization that for the first time in months, she finally felt like she was home.
"I've missed this." She slowly moved along his jaw, leaving a trail of kisses to his ear. She whispered against his skin, causing him to shiver. "I've missed the way this feels."
"Um... I seem to remember you saying that you don't like facial hair."
"Well, you seem to be changing my mind." She pulled back to look him in his perfect blue eyes. "I'm sorry if this is too much for you right now. I want to give you the time you need, but it's getting more and more difficult for me to wait, especially when I don't want to wait anymore."
He moved to stand up and her heart sank again. She worried that she pushed too far and with too much. She was convinced he was about to shut her down. The image of him sliding her knife back to her flashed across her mind.
She was about to say something. She had to say something, backtrack or explain, she had no idea what. Then she noticed that he was pacing and running his fingers through his hair. If he was shutting her down, he would have looked sad like he did before. But he didn't look sad. He was nervous. Very nervous.
"Kensi..."
She stood up and placed her hands on his shoulders, stilling his agitated movements. He looked at her and smiled. His heated gaze made her forget to breathe for a few seconds. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He rested his forehead on hers as he gently traced a line up and down her spine.
"I want you, too. So much that it scares me. I was afraid of what lengths I'd go to, what lines I would cross. I was afraid of you becoming the most important person in my life and that I'd lose who I am or lose perspective on what's right and what's wrong and then hurt you in the process. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now, but the point is I was... I am afraid."
"Deeks..."
He leaned back and raised a hand to her face. "I thought if we took a step back, that it would help make things clearer. That maybe we could go back to when things were simpler."
"When have things ever been simple between us?"
"Oh, touché."
"So forget about simple. You and I... we don't do simple. But what about clearer? Are things... clearer?"
Time seemed to stop as he held her gaze. As it always seemed with them, he couldn't just answer her with words. He answered her with a kiss. Before today, their kisses had been much different. (Mostly, but not exclusively, involved getting the other to shut up.) During their night together, they had been desperate and messy, fueled by years of frustration and heat. This time, his kiss was slow and sweet and deliberate. He was showing her just what she meant to him. Just how important she was. How she was a part of him now and there was no going back. As he continued to kiss her, her hands moved to his chest and gripped the material of his t-shirt. He tightened his hold around her and ran his fingers through her hair.
He slowly pulled his lips from hers, and he swore he heard a whimper of disappointment from her. He kept his face close to hers and smiled. "It seems like you're changing my mind, too."
Kensi's heart was pounding in her chest. She was thankful for his hold on her because her knees were feeling weaker. "Really?"
"Yes, but Kens, I have to say that I'm still terrified of losing you or hurting you or of screwing this up beyond repair."
"I'm scared too, but I know we can help each other through this."
"For some reason, I thought if I took a step back, then maybe I could have more control over what I feel for you. But I know now that it's too late. There's no stepping back from this. When it comes to you, I'm completely done for."
"Wow." Kensi smiled. "That was a terrible idea you had."
Deeks laughed. "Thanks. I think we both agree that I was an idiot."
"Yeah, you were."
"Yeah, but you had your moments these last couple weeks, too."
"What are you talking about?"
"You were so jealous the other day, weren't you?"
Kensi opened her mouth to defend herself, but she didn't get a chance.
"Don't even deny it. I mean, who could really blame you though? Is there anyone who can resist me?"
"You're testing me, aren't you? I promised to never punch you again and you're testing me."
Deeks shook his head and a serious look spread across his face. He spoke softly to her. "She doesn't even compare to you. She's not even in the same universe as you."
She felt heat rise in her face. "I don't know about that... she was alright."
He started laughing. "Wow, that's very interesting because it sounds to me that you sort of maybe kind of liked her. That's good news because I think she had a crush on you, too. Maybe I could set the two of you up. But only if I can tag along as well. You know, as an observer."
"No, it would never work. I think she has bigger boobs than me and I'd always be self-conscious about that."
"I have to say, if my memory serves me correctly, and I think it does, yours are pretty damn amazing and you have nothing to be self-conscious about."
"Maybe I should remind you." She stepped out of his arms and walked toward his bedroom. She looked over her shoulder and gave him a slight smile as she disappeared through the door. Suddenly, he remembered being in that restaurant with her all those months ago, saying he wanted to be at his place with her. Her response was to get up and walk away. He thought that this was probably his favorite sight in the whole world. Watching Kensi Blye walk away from him in the direction of his bedroom. He decided he better not keep her waiting.
He leaned against the door frame and saw that her shirt and bra were already on the floor. It was then that he realized that a topless Kensi Blye was actually his favorite sight in the whole world.
"You got started without me."
"You were taking too long."
"Stupid me."
She smiled coyly. "You want me to put them back on?"
"Never." He walked up to her and spent a few seconds in awe of this amazing woman.
She grabbed the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. He reached for the button of her jeans and fumbled for a moment as she kissed along his collarbone to his neck.
Once they were both rid of their jeans, they fell onto his bed. He kissed her as she ran her fingers through his hair. Then he left a trail of kisses down to her stomach. He stopped, looked up at her and smiled.
Kensi was barely able to catch her breath enough to speak. "What?"
"It's just..." He dropped another kiss on her hip.
"Just what?"
"You know I meant it before... when I said you're beautiful?"
Kensi was speechless. Partly because she was overwhelmed by his words, partly because he kept kissing her everywhere.
"Because you are. You're beautiful."
She sat up, grabbed his face and kissed him. "So are you."
"You say the sweetest things."
Kensi took a deep breath. "This is it. You and me. No matter what, we're gonna make this work, okay? No more stepping back. No more not saying what we mean. No more not moving forward because we're afraid."
He smiled. "Absolutely. That goes for both of us."
Kensi smiled and blinked back happy tears. "Now, where were we?"
"I think I was about to make up for the fact that we haven't done this in far too long."
"You better get busy. We have a lot of making up to do."
Deeks kissed her as she laid back down. "Whatever you say, Kens. Whatever you say."