Reconciliation – chapter twenty three

'So hold her closer when she cries, hold her closer when she feels. She needs a hand to hold, someone who will never let her go again. And hold him closer when he tries to hold the tears back from his eyes. Don't say goodbye.'

Blessid Union of Souls

"Talk to me Liv," Elliot urged again when she didn't answer him.

"About what?" Olivia asked. She wasn't trying to be flippant, but after what he had confessed she would tell him whatever he wanted to know. She wanted to draw from the strength he had shown her during his admission. She wasn't as nervous as she thought she would be about being open with him, her fear was reliving those moments she thought she had put behind her. "About Harris? About Lewis?"

"Let's start with Harris," Elliot replied.

Olivia nodded shakily. They had talked about Lewis a few times; he knew what had happened during her abduction so she wasn't surprised by his choice. Elliot hadn't pushed her to talk; it was her choice to tell him. It was easier that he already knew about Lewis' abduction and attack, whereas until a couple of hours ago he only suspected about Harris. She breathed in deeply, once, twice, and then met his resolute stare.

"He dragged me down to the basement and I began to panic." Olivia licked her lips and she itched to push Elliot out of the way so she could pace the room. "He shoved me onto a mattress which they kept down there, and I started screaming for help. It was such a long way down, nobody could hear me but I was still screaming."

Olivia's knees began to bounce as she started to become agitated. Elliot glanced at them but made no move to stop her. Despite telling others, giving her statement to Cragen when it first happened, she still had problems describing the attack. Especially with the intensified emotions which were flowing around them tonight. Olivia dropped her head just in time to see Elliot's hands flex and clench. Her legs stilled as she studied his strong hands as they hung down the side of his legs, veins popping out, the skin stretching across his knuckles. She'd seen him do it hundreds of times when he was frustrated or angry, but she had never been as fascinated by it as she was in that second. He was controlling his temper. He was resisting his natural instincts as a protector. She knew he wanted to make this better for her, find a way to fix it. He couldn't. He may have listened to hundreds of other victim's recount their attacks but it never got easier. But she wasn't just another victim. And he wasn't acting as a detective right now; he was listening to his lover as she described someone sexually assaulting her.

"He undid my cuffs and I was able to hit him and get away for a few minutes. I hid and he was talking to me, his baton was scraping along the metal bars as he looked for me. I could hear him getting closer."

Her heartbeat was racing and she shook her head to clear it. The sound of the baton as it swept across metal reverberated through her mind. It was that grating sound which had haunted her after the attack, the beginning of the flash backs. Her head shook forcefully to block it out. "I tried to fight back, it didn't work," her voice croaked and she swallowed deeply, forcing the lump down. "But he found me and he…"

She trailed off and her breathing quickened. Her chest moved in and out. Adrenaline coursed through her and she felt the beads of sweat start to form at the base of her neck. She wasn't getting enough air, she felt suffocated. Everything was too close for her. Elliot, her memories.

Suddenly she shifted backwards landing on the cushions of the sofa, her chest heaving as she sucked in air rapidly. She blinked quickly before finally meeting Elliot's gaze. He hadn't wavered, was still focusing on her. He wasn't going to say anything which he thought would disrupt her train of thought, anything to that would prevent her from opening up to him. He was silently willing her to continue, letting her do this in her own way. His body moved forward an inch but he paused. He wouldn't touch her beyond the soft touch of his hand on the outside of her leg which was down to their proximity rather than being deliberate. Her panic subsided a little and her breathing began to even out and she straightened her back as sat up.

"I was begged him to stop, telling him that I'd do anything," she looked away, ashamed by how her bargaining sounded outside of that setting. She studied Elliot, trying to see his reaction. But his expression didn't change, he didn't falter in his encouragement. "I managed to run again when he went to grab me, but he'd locked the door. I was pulling it, banging for someone to notice. He came up behind me and he cuffed me to the bars so I couldn't run again," she licked her lips.

"He pushed me down and was undoing his pants. He grabbed my hair and pulled me to him…Then Fin was there, pulling him off of me, and holding him back," she continued almost mechanically, trying to distance herself emotionally, rushing slightly to get it over with.

As soon as she finished speaking Olivia slumped, the cushions conforming to her body. She stayed silent as the adrenaline of retelling and reliving the attack ebbed away and was slowly replaced with some semblance of relief. There was also a spark of accomplishment that she had managed to tell him without giving into the impulse to run, but it dwindled quickly. Elliot sat back too, rubbing a hand over his mouth wearily, looking away briefly. He breathed deeply himself and she could see the moisture building in his eyes. She watched the contrasting emotions sweep across his features; anger, frustration, relief, regret. He had questions and she knew he was second guessing how to voice them.

"What?" Olivia asked, stealing herself for whatever he had to say.

His eyebrow bent silently checking if she was sure she wanted to know. She nodded almost imperceptibly and he sighed. He averted his gaze briefly and he cleared his throat. "I hate that you felt like you couldn't talk to me back then. I mean I know why you didn't want to but I just wish…" He trailed off when she nodded her head. He didn't have to finish.

His face softened when she slipped her hand into his and he squeezed it. She gripped his hand and used it to pull herself forward. Their hands stayed interlocked and she was glad for the contact. They were both too raw for to hold each other and they still had a lot to talk about. But it was something and Olivia took it as a sign that they could get through this.

Elliot sighed again, his face falling. "You said it was both of them," he told her quietly.

Her eyes snapped up. "What?"

"Your nightmare," he explained. "You said it was both of them."

Olivia's throat bobbed as she swallowed the lump which formed quickly. "Yeah," she said breathily. In all the confessions tonight she had forgotten what had awoken them from their slumber. It had been the similarities in the attacks which stuck out from her dream. In her head she heard the clanking of the baton as it slid across the metal bars. Her shoulders jerked as she shook her head.

"I uh," she sighed. "The attacks melded in my head, they weren't together. At first I was back in the house with Lewis and he threw me on the bed, securing me with the cuffs. I shut my eyes and when I opened them I was back in the basement and Harris was cuffing me to the bars. I shut my eyes again and Lewis was opening his trousers. The next time I blinked it was Harris standing over me."

She remembered waking at the sound of their zippers being dragged down, the sound amplified in slow motion in her dream. It was at that moment she had jolted back into consciousness nearly three hours ago because of it. "Then I was awake," she told Elliot simply.

"They stole something from me, and I didn't know how to handle it," she went on. They had robbed her of her sense of control. She had lost grip on her ability to compartmentalise for a while and it took everything in her to fight to finally get it back. "It made me realise that the job we do isn't enough. We tell victims to get help, we try to help them but sometimes it isn't enough. I know first-hand what a victim goes through after the investigation ends and we go to trial. If they can't get past what's in here," she tapped the side of her head with her free hand. "Then their attackers have really won."

Glancing over Elliot's shoulder she looked through the window to see the pink hue start to rise in the horizon. She felt wide awake despite only a few hours' sleep. Her nightmare, while she didn't want it, had served a purpose of pushing this conversation. Something that needed to happen for them to move forward.

"Are you?" Elliot asked gently.

Olivia eyes focused on him, shuffling closer with a neutral expression on her face. "I'm getting there," she admitted. "What about you?"

"Yeah," he drawled out softly.

They weren't the same people who had been partnered together sixteen years ago. They had both come such a long way since that fateful day four years ago. They had begun to heal before they found each other again. Now it was time for them to heal together.

"Elliot," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Hold me."

…

TWO YEARS LATER

The wedding had been beautiful.

Despite some awkward moments it had been an amazing day; one she never thought would come. She had been nervous, walking down the aisle, people watching her. They had been planning it for months. Now that the ceremony was out of the way the reception was in full swing, everyone was able to relax.

Olivia laughed as she was spun away from her dance partner, only to be drawn back to him. He held her in his arms as they moved around the floor, taking care to avoid the other couples as they swayed to the music. Dick gripped her waist and guided her past Lizzie and Eli as they danced beside them.

She sent a quick smile to the little boy who was giggling at his older sister who danced with him standing on her feet. They twirled past and Olivia raised her head. She felt someone watching her and she automatically found Elliot's gaze over Dick's shoulder.

There was twinge in her heart as she watched him dance with Kathy. But she couldn't bring herself to feel jealous today. He may have been holding Kathy but his focus was on her. Olivia could see Kathy talking to him as he stared bashfully at her, his piercing blues eyes twinkling under the lights.

A short distance away their eldest daughter danced with her new husband.

"Are you having fun Olivia?" Dick asked quietly.

Olivia nodded, returning her focus to Dick. "I am. When did you learn to dance?"

"Well, when you grow up with three sisters, you pick up a thing or two. By the way Eli wanted ask you to dance but he was too shy to ask his step mom to do it."

Olivia blushed. "I'm not his step mom," she replied.

Dick shook his head. "Just because Dad hasn't put a ring on your finger yet, doesn't mean you're not his step mom. At least that's what Mom told him when he did his family tree project."

Olivia felt the blush grow and she averted her eyes to look over his shoulder again. "Yet?" She questioned timidly.

"You know that he's trying to build up the courage to ask you, don't you?" Dick told her conspiratorially.

Olivia did know.

After that fateful night two years ago she and Elliot had grown closer and stronger. They still had nightmares. He would wrap her in his embrace, holding onto her till her tears subsided and she would sit up with him when he couldn't sleep. They spoke and listened when they needed to, neither holding back, their penchant for avoidance dissipated soon after they moved in together.

As Maureen's wedding drew closer Olivia realised out what he was planning, had no idea when he would do it but knew he was planning it. Something clicked in her head and she knew. Maybe it had been when he sat her down for the fifteenth time to listen to him practice his speech, or how his adoring look he fixed her with never diminished when he described falling in love. The same one he gave her with every time he told her.

She watched him walk Maureen down the aisle today. His love and pride for his children shone clearly to all who witnessed it.

Olivia was constantly surprised by the acceptance shown to her by Kathy and Elliot's children. Dick warmed up to the idea of her and Elliot being together. He was honest and genuine with them, and that's all she wanted. She felt slightly out of place amongst Kathy's relatives, but Olivia had been shocked when she had gone to sit a couple of rows from the front of the church only to be dragged by Kathy to the front and the other woman beamed kindly as she told Olivia to sit next to Eli, with Dick on the other side of him. Kathy sat next to the aisle, leaving a space between them for Elliot to sit after he performed his duty as father of the bride. It was only when he took his place between them and his hand curled around hers that she truly relaxed and stopped feeling like she was intruding on their family.

Olivia lifted her head again and instantly locked gazes with Elliot. He smiled at her and she returned it. Kathy stopped talking, obviously expecting an answer from Elliot. When she didn't get it she followed his gaze and laughed gently, saying something to him which made him blush. Olivia watched as they released and walked over to her and Dick. Olivia stepped back from Dick.

"Mind if we cut in?" Kathy asked holding her hand out to her son.

Dick let out a snicker. "Worried about the competition Dad?" He joked despite taking a step towards Kathy.

Elliot rolled his eyes and gestured towards Kathy. "Just take your Mom for spin around the dance floor."

Kathy laughed as Dick led her away. And then it was just Elliot and Olivia. She stepped into him, closer than she had with Dick. His hand found hers and held it to his chest, as his other slipped around her waist resting on the curve of her hip. They were chest to chest, hip to hip. Her head leant against his. He dropped his chin and pressed a sweet kiss to her collarbone, inhaling discreetly, just as she had done to him in the night he came back to her. He paused and Olivia knew what he was thinking.

"Don't do it today," she whispered into his ear.

Elliot's head jerked back in surprise and she almost laughed. He knew what she talking about.

"You know that I..?"

Olivia nodded and pulled him back to her with a gentle tug. She tucked herself into the crook of his neck.

"Don't do it today," she told him again.

"Because you'll say no?" He tried to keep his voice neutral, but she heard the hitch in his breathing as he said it.

Olivia took a deep breath, pausing over the question, wondering if she would be this certain when he did ask her. If they weren't in a room full of people celebrating his daughter's marriage she may have been inclined to tease him to dispel the enormity of the question. But she resisted.

"No, because it's Maureen's day," she said into his neck, flushed lightly when she heard his sigh of relief.

Elliot's head moved so he could see her face. "So does that mean when I do..?"

Olivia didn't answer, only laughed and burrowed further into him. She would be saying yes. At one time the thought of agreeing to spend the rest of her life with someone, their happiness dependent on hers, had been terrifying. It wasn't now. Somewhere amongst the eighteen years of history between them, their hearts had bound together. He squeezed her waist and they continued to sway to the music.

"That's good to know," Elliot said into her hair. "I won't ask you today," he promised. He pressed a kiss to the side of her head.

Over his shoulder she spied Kathleen as she talked to Kathy's partner. The young woman who had the courage to do what others' hadn't, what they hadn't. It could have ended badly; it could've irreparably damaged their relationship. It hadn't. It felt good to come home to him, felt good to be free with him.

"Kathleen's going to have to be my maid of honour," she murmured.

Elliot's chest rebounded against hers as he laughed quietly, shrugging slightly. "We've got to thank her somehow."

'Some think that love is all flowers and good times, but I think that love is more than just that. Love is the bad, as well as the better, not lived alone, but a journey together. Something that only the closest can share.'

THE END

Author Note – Okay, this is going to be long. I've been a bit emotional about this, but it had to end somewhere and that somewhere is here. I hope the ending gives justice to the rest of the story. So I'm going to ask you once more (for this story at least) not to hesitate and tell me what you thought of the story.

Everyone of who has followed the story have been brilliant but there are a few people I would to name – Mandy, Moska, Ruli, Cori, lucyspencer, Bensidy2306, Roanie123, SouthernBelle843 and especially NickandLiv – your encouragement and support has been incredible and I'm so grateful to you all for welcoming me and being wonderful. I don't think I would have gotten through this without you guys.