Borrowed Time

I have received some questions on this subject in reviews, so I will answer this now. This is not a Levihan story!

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It was raining. Hanji removed her hood, the raindrops dripping against her cold and clammy skin. It had been a hard night. She could still remember being almost blinded by the rain. It hit so hard on her skin that it hurt. Erwin had called for no one to close their eyes. The screams and the sound of teeth tearing on flesh could not be drowned beneath the lightning and thunder. In all the years Hanji had been in the Survey Corps, that night had been the most frightening. She had no idea where the screams had come from, or where the Titans were. All of them could have died that night. Later when the nightmare was over, Erwin told all of them that they had lost an entire squad, with only one survivor. Immediately after he said this and left, whispers rose.

"I heard there's one man left."

"I just…can't imagine being the only one left alive. …Truly terrible."

"Is it true that Levi killed five Titans by himself?"

The last whisper got Hanji's attention. She remembered Levi. Short with black hair and gray eyes. He was the one who had killed a Titan on his first expedition with his two friends. The two had been kind to her, especially Isabel, who she had shared candy with. Hanji smiled, remembering how the girl had considered Levi her big brother. Farlan had scolded Levi for not saying anything when Hanji had asked him about how he used the 3-D Maneuver Gear so effortlessly. As Hanji continuously thought about the three, she suddenly stopped. Could they…? Levi had apparently been the one to kill all five of the Titans. Something as drastic as that could only come from intense emotion…such as grief or rage. Could they be…? Hanji shook her head. Although she had been in the Survey Corps for only five years, Hanji knew that Levi had innate talent, and he would never let his two friends die. He was too strong, and he cared about them as much as they cared about him. Hanji started to look for Levi in the crowd. She couldn't see him – which was obvious, since he was the shortest one in the Survey Corps besides Isabel – and was about to give up after five minutes when a lone figure stepped out of the room that Erwin was residing in. It was Levi. His footsteps echoed across the stone hall, and every eye in the Survey Corps was on him. Hanji would have found this situation comical if it had been the right time. Levi looked like a drowned rat. His entire body was soaked, and strands of dark hair splayed across his forehead. There were still spots of blood across his face despite the rain, and Hanji almost gasped when she looked closer at his face. His eyes were dead. Not bored, as they were when she had met him, or annoyed. Or even cold. They were devoid of any emotion. Empty. No one said anything. Everyone was silent as Levi walked through, drops of water splashing on the floor. What's going on? Hanji thought as the tense situation mounted. What happened?

"Hey, Levi!" He didn't answer. "Levi!" Hanji watched as Levi continued to walk, his steps becoming heavier with every step. He didn't seem to know where he was going. "Levi, what happened?" Desperate times call for desperate measures, Hanji thought. "Hey, shorty!"

That got his attention. He completely stopped. Although Hanji couldn't see his face, she presumed that an expression of anger echoed across his face. He didn't say anything though. Hanji swallowed, remembering her thoughts from before. They're around here. I know it.

"Hey," she said with her voice cracking just slightly. "What ever happened to Isabel and Farlan?"

Levi turned to her. Fear jolted through her as she took in the expression of murderous rage on his face. "Hey, you fucking shitty four-eyes," he whispered calmly despite the expression on his face. "Don't ever…mention those names ever…again." Then he left, opened the door in front of him, and slammed it.

"Did I do something wrong?" Hanji asked out loud.

"Hanji, couldn't you put it together?" She looked up, and saw one of her comrades looking at her with a solemn expression. "Isabel and Farlan…those were the ones who died. That entire squad died. Levi's…the only one left."

"Oh…" Hanji whispered. It felt as if her breath was taken out of her, and that someone had punched her stomach. Her salvia in her mouth suddenly felt thick, and she couldn't swallow. As the rest of the surviving Survey Corps members started to rest for the night, Hanji continued to stare at the door, hoping that Levi would come out. He didn't.

850

Hanji was only aware of how she was standing in front of a door again. Since the defeat of the Female Titan, Levi had not left his office. Hanji was sympathetic. How would it be like to lose an entire squad…again five years later? She too herself was grieving. Although she had only consulted them numerous times, Hanji had seen them all in the field. They all seemed too skilled to die…especially all at one time. The only one she had truly known was Petra, who had been kind enough to listen to her obsession about Titans. Hanji's hand stopped mid-knock, remembering the cheerful girl who had been the few who had been kind to her. She reminded Hanji of Isabel. Shrugging away the tears that were appearing in her eyes, Hanji opened the door.

"Levi…?" She whispered. The room was dark. The blinds were drawn. Hanji groped for something to illuminate the room, but found nothing. "Levi…?" she asked again. There was no answer. Hanji steadily became aware of heavy breathing.

"Yes, shitty four-eyes?" Hanji smiled at the sound of her old nickname, but the smile disappeared as she became aware of the grieving man before her.

"It's going to be okay, Levi," Hanji said. She was aware of a sharp laughter, and she flinched. She had never heard Levi laugh before, and it certainly did not sound right.

"That's what he said too," he rasped. It sounded as if he hadn't spoken for years. "Every fucking time." A sudden sound assaulted her ears as she heard glass broken. She heard the glass pieces fall onto the floor across from her, and her hands grazed the liquid seeping from it.

"You've been drinking?" Hanji asked incredulously.

"Don't give me that," Levi rasped. "How else am I going to forget this fucking pain?"

"There are other ways," Hanji countered. "Eren's not drinking. In fact, he's –"

"Eren's a damn brat who can transform into a dumbass Titan who can't shitty do anything without me saving him."

Hanji grew angry. How dare he blame his squad's death on the poor boy! "I didn't see you saving anyone on the expedition." Too late, she realized her words. As she prepared for the worst to come, she was surprised when Levi sighed warily.

"You're right, Hanji." The female soldier swallowed, realizing that she really had gone too far. Levi had never called her by her name before. "I couldn't…save anyone. Not even my own squad." A crack was heard, and Hanji winced. "A broken hand and a sprained ankle is nothing compared to the pain I have now." Levi quieted. The silence was almost too much for Hanji. "I…I'm not a fucking hero. I'm just…a goddamn failure and coward." Rustling was heard, and a match was lit. Hanji looked at Levi's face illuminated by the candle. He looked terrible. Worse than he had five years ago, if that was possible. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks, and his eyes were devoid of emotion and contained only emptiness. "Did you know I tried to kill Erwin?" he rasped.

"No," Hanji whispered as her brain processed the new information. Erwin? But…how?

"Farlan fucking wanted to go live in the inner city Walls. As a fool I was, I did what he wanted." Levi closed his eyes as if in a memory. "I abandoned them that night. That night that I should have fucking been there!" Hanji heard him punch his desk, both of them unaware of the bruise growing on the broken hand. "Isabel…I still remember her screaming for me," he rasped. "Farlan was eaten before my eyes…and I was helpless. I told them that I would go alone to kill Erwin and get the documents that allow us to live in the capital or whatever it was." Hanji could see him shaking, his hands trembling. "Just like this time. I couldn't do a fucking thing!" His yell drummed in Hanji's ears, but what caused her to gasp was not that. It was that Levi had tears in his eyes. "I did it again. I trusted in them to be safe, and look what happened! My two friends that I had known since my hell childhood with a monster for a father were gone, along with my desire to live! I became known as Humanity's Strongest Soldier because I took extreme risks and killed Titans every time, but no one knew the truth!" Levi's tears continued to flow from his eyes along with the blood that was seeping from his bruised hand. "I wanted to die so badly, but I…didn't. I started to not believe…in unnecessary deaths. I didn't want…anyone to die like…that again!" Levi stopped speaking, and his breathing came out in uneven gasps. Tears continued to flow from his eyes, faster this time. He was quiet. Hanji didn't know if he was going to speak again, and thought about getting help – any help, because Levi's mind was collapsing in front of her – but she stopped when she heard him say, "I loved her."

"I never thought…I would ever feel that way about a person…but I did. I still…hear her voice in my head…even though all I hear now is fucking silence. I loved her, Hanji. She made me whole again. And…I let her die. I let her die just like with everyone else!" Levi dropped his head, not allowing Hanji to see his tears anymore, or his agonizing pain. "Petra...Petra…was the only one who could ever make me think that I was something more than what I thought of myself as."

"What did you think of yourself as?" Hanji asked. She watched Levi closely.

"As what everyone thinks of me. Cold. Merciless. Without any emotion. Someone that was on borrowed time. Petra made me think…that I did have some good in me. That…I could save people, and that…I was human." As Hanji watched him, she was aware of how Levi seemed to calm. His body stopped trembling. The tears stopped. Then Levi whispered something that she couldn't hear. He repeated it under his breath, louder each time. "She was wrong…so wrong." His face looked like it was made out of stone. "I'm on borrowed time, Hanji," he rasped. "I should have died a long time ago."

Hanji could not take this anymore. Using speed that she didn't think she had, she grabbed Levi's shirt and pulled him to her. "You are not on borrowed time, Levi," she stated. "You are so much more than that. And you know it, I know you do." As she stared at this man, she suddenly realized how close she was to actually losing him – the Levi that she knew and loved as a friend could have vanished forever – and she let go of his shirt and pulled him into an embrace. Levi didn't say a word as Hanji's delayed tears streamed onto his shoulder. "You…are so much more…than that, Levi," Hanji whispered. "You saved so many people from death. You're the one who gives us hope now, just like when you first came to us. If you give up, what do you leave us? Nothing, Levi. Nothing." Hanji slowly loosened her arms from Levi, and looked at him. "We love you, Levi. We all do. Everything would be lost if you died in front us, so please," Hanji stated with a small smile, "don't give up. We need to believe in you." As she stared back as she exited through the door at the man who had suffered so much, Hanji thought of how strong he was. She would never be able to live with the guilt that he carried with him every day. Although Hanji knew that Levi was hurting now, his wounds would heal. He would become strong again.

She knew that somehow, someday, Levi would fully heal.