Sam shakes the last few drops of beer onto his tongue before he drops the can on the floor and flops back on Puck's bed. He's not drunk, really, just relaxed. And his tongue feels looser than usual...in terms of stuff he's willing to say out loud, that is. And what he's saying out loud right now is, "I have a bone to pick with you, dude."

Puck breaks into a laughing fit. Not a giggling fit, because only chicks giggle. Sam contorts his neck to look at him without lifting his head and Puck explains, "Dude, you said bone."

"Oh, ha ha," Sam says. "Of course all I get to do is say 'bone'. I'm sure as hell not getting to do it with Quinn."

"And that's my fault?" Puck asks as he, too, gets tired of sitting up and flops down on his back.

"Fuck, yes, it's your fault. You went and knocked her up and ruined her for me and every guy ever. She is never, ever gonna let me in her hole." See, that's the kind of thing Sam wouldn't say if he were completely sober. Not so crudely anyway.

Not that the crudeness fazes Puck in the least. He just says, "Not in the one that you can knock her up in anyway."

Sam turns on his side to study Puck. "Are you just messing with me? Or are you saying there's a chance I can get her to blow me?"

"I'm not saying it'd be easy, cause she likes to put on a good show of being all proper and shit. But Quinn is actually such a cock-hungry little slut that I'm saying if you play your cards right you can get her to let you fuck her mouth and her ass."

"Holy shit," Sam whispers. He's pretty sure Puck is bullshitting him, but it's a nice thought anyway, giving it to Quinn in the ass. A very nice thought, if his stiffening dick is any indication. "Have you ever actually done that? In the ass, I mean?"

"You mean to Quinn specifically, or...It doesn't matter, actually; either way the answer is yes."

"Liar," Sam says, though he's starting to think Puck's for real. He can totally picture it, in fact: Quinn on her hands and knees, screaming, tits bouncing like crazy every time Puck slams into her. Shit, he has to roll onto his stomach before Puck notices his raging hard-on.

"Liar, am I?" Puck asks, amused. "You know how she was saving herself for...I dunno, Jesus, or her husband or whatever? That was only her pussy—she doesn't think anything else counts. And you know the only reason she did let me fuck her pussy that one time?"

"Cause you got her drunk," Sam says. He doesn't approve, he would never do that to a girl, but at times he almost wishes he didn't have the moral code that prevents him from doing something like that.

"Bullshit. That's just what she told people. It was because her parents were out of town and we'd been going at it all weekend. She was too tired to blow me again and too sore to let me put it in her ass again, but she couldn't get enough of my cock so she finally told me to just pop her cherry."

"Oh, Jesus." Sam shifts a little bit. Not because he's intentionally grinding against Puck's mattress or anything, he's just a little uncomfortable is all. And if the friction from the shift sends a little jolt to his cock, it's entirely incidental. "What's it like?"

"Anal, you mean?"

"Uh-huh," Sam says, although he actually kind of means any of it.

"It's awesome, dude." He thinks of Quinn's tight little hole gripping his cock, and how fucking depraved she always looked when she was taking it, and for a second he thinks he might have to fight Sam to get her back. But he doesn't want to do that, because Sam's his bro, and he needs bros, especially since he fucked things up so bad with Finn. "It's like regular fucking but way tighter and way dirtier. I don't mean, like, literally dirtier, I mean, like...sluttier. Even if the girl is doing it because she thinks it makes her a virgin still, it's actually way sluttier."

"How do you, like..."

"You have to stretch it first, and use lube—"

"No. I mean, how do you talk a girl into it?"

"Oh. Depends on the girl. With some of them, like Quinn, it's not that much harder than talking them into blowing you or letting you fuck their pussy."

"Shit," Sam says, slamming his head face-first into the mattress. "You say it like those two are easy."

Puck sits up and studies the boy splayed out on his bed. He realizes: "It's not just Quinn you haven't done anything with, is it? You haven't done anything period, have you, man?"

Sam laughs bitterly. "And it sucks because I never will. I'm gonna die a fucking virgin."

"No you're not, dude, shut up. You're hot. If I was ever gonna do a dude I'd do you."

"You have to say that," Sam protests nonsensically.

"I'm serious, man," Puck says, slapping his ass. "I'm totally taking you under my wing. I'm gonna be your sex mentor."

Sam rolls onto his back to look at Puck, forgetting momentarily about his boner. "What does a sex mentor even do? That's not some weird way of suggesting that I let you fuck me, is it?"

"It means I'm gonna get you laid, dumbass. By girls."

"By 'girls' do you mean 'Quinn'? Because I'm sorta dating her, so if I'm gonna try to get laid it should be by her."

"We can get you laid by Quinn, but she might not be the easiest chick to start with. What other girls do you want to fuck?"

"Uh...all of them, duh." He's not really cheating on Quinn by just talking, so he doesn't feel too bad about this. "But, okay...Santana, obviously. Brittany..."

"Oh yeah. The Unholy Trinity."

"What?"

"Quinn, Santana, and Brittany. That's their nickname: the Unholy Trinity."

"Right. And you're gonna help me get laid by each of the Unholy Trinity."

"Totally."

"Shit." Sam feels like he's been saying that a lot tonight, but it's only because this conversation is leaving him at a loss for words a lot. And he's still not really thinking about cheating on Quinn, because he still doesn't totally believe Puck is serious. "So wait. Not saying you're a selfish bastard or anything, but why would you be willing to put the effort into getting me laid when you could be putting the effort into getting yourself laid?"

"Oh, I'm getting laid too. We're both gonna fuck each of them. DP."

"DP?"

"Double penetration. You fuck one hole while I fuck another."

"Or the same one, maybe?" Sam suggests before he totally realizes what he's saying. Or maybe he realizes, but it's still all just talking. Or maybe he doesn't even care anymore, because holy shit that would be hot.

"Both of us fucking the same hole at the same time?" Puck asks, and, holy fuck, he thinks that sounds hot too. Because no matter how slutty those girls are, Puck knows from experience that they're all tight as hell, so having any one of those holes stuffed full of two cocks at once would be fucking amazing. And if it means his junk touching another dude's he really couldn't care less. "Now you're thinking!"

Sam kind of doesn't believe he's really even talking about this with Puck, much less actually planning anything. But just for fun he decides to act like he thinks it's real, and he says, "So what you we do first? What's the plan?"

"We start planning tomorrow," Puck says, "but here's what we do tonight. I'm rock hard right now, and you are too, no matter how much you try to hide it. So we're gonna take care of that so we'll be able to think straight."

"Think straight? Cause what you just suggested sounds kinda gay."

"Dude, we don't have to fuck each other. We're just gonna jerk off...ourselves, not even each other."

"Okay. But still, I mean...in front of each other?"

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy." Puck pats him on the back. "I'm not some perv, I'm your sex mentor. Besides, how are you gonna be able to fuck your girlfriend's mouth while I fuck her ass if you can't even jerk off with me in the room?"

What Sam thinks is, Shit, he's fucking serious. What he should say is something to indicate that he doesn't really want to go through with this "plan." But what he actually hears himself saying is, "Dude, she's my girlfriend. I think I should get her ass."

Puck smirks. "We'll see, Sammy. Maybe I'll let you have her ass. First show me what you got."

Sam's still not sure why they have to jerk off together, but he guesses that if he's going to let Puck mentor him—which apparently he is, though he's still not sure how that happened—he needs to trust him to know what he's doing. Besides, he really does need to get off now. He opens the fly of his jeans and reaches inside his underwear, and as long as he keeps his eyes shut he can sort of forget Puck is even there.

Puck, however, doesn't seem to want his presence forgotten. He says, "Uh-uh, Sammy," and when Sam opens his eyes he sees that Puck is standing in front of him, naked, stroking his own cock. He says, "Uh-uh, if you're gonna be all bashful in front of me this isn't gonna work. Take them all the way off."

Sam doesn't argue, he pulls off his jeans and underwear and drops them on the floor. And then...Puck didn't specify removing anything else, but Sam doesn't really want to have to be told to keep stripping, so he goes ahead and pulls off his socks and t-shirt too. He doesn't want to have to be told to touch himself either, so he goes ahead and does that too. He keeps his eyes shut, though, even though he thinks there's a pretty good chance Puck his going to tell him to open them.

But Puck doesn't tell him to open his eyes. Puck tells him, "Your girlfriend is such a slutty little cock fiend. We're gonna get her begging you to give it to her up the ass. But you know which one of the three of them is the biggest cock slut of all?"

"Brittany?" Sam guesses, as the distinct image of Brittany's head between his legs pops up in his mind.

"Fuck yeah, Brittany. She'd kill to have both our cocks at the same time. She loves everything about cocks. And jizz. Christ, that chick loves to swallow. She gulps it down like it's fucking...chocolate milk or something."

Sam's jerking hard now, picturing—practically feeling —Brittany's mouth on his cock, trying to suck him dry, trying to drink his chocolate...no... "White chocolate!" he gasps as he shoots his load of creamy white chocolate milk not into Brittany's eager mouth but onto his own abs.

And then he hears "Fuck yeah!" and feels another hot, creamy load splatter on his abs, and while he doesn't exactly want to look at the person standing over him, the knowledge of who it is really doesn't bother him, strangely. He's too preoccupied picturing Brittany happily licking up all their mingled jizz off him. And he knows, now, that they are really going to go through with this plan to double penetrate each of the Unholy Trinity.