Disclaimer: I don't own RWBY.

"Ren, I want a baby."

Ren had known Nora a long time. Very long. As far back as he could remember. And one thing he learned about her was that Nora Valkyrie was the personification of unpredictable. When the crowd moved right, she somehow had the ability to walk backwards at twice the speed. As such, Ren was usually accustomed to the ginger-haired girl's random declarations.

Nothing in all of Vale, possibly Remnant, could've prepared him for that.

"What?" replied the dual-gunner, trying his best to not freak out. He loved Nora, but as a friend, regardless of what Yang said, implied, or sent to everyone's Scrolls as a prank.

Nora hopped from her bed, bouncing over to Ren and leaning in close, close enough he could see the almost invisible smattering of freckles on her nose. "I…want…a…baby."

Ren nodded. "I see. Why, exactly, do you want a baby?"

Nora sighed wistfully, which surprised Ren; he didn't think she could even dowistful. "Because…" she said, putting her hands to her chest. "I have so much love to give."

A pang of jealously flashed through Ren's heart, which he quickly squashed. He wasn't jealous. No, not at all. Absurd.

"Fair enough." declared Ren, returning to the book he'd been reading; A Brief Guide to Proper Gun Care. "But a baby's a lot of responsibility, Nora."

"I know that!" she huffed, putting her hands on her hips. "But I'm totally responsible!"

Oh, there were so many things false about that sentence.

"Remember the turtle you begged me to get you for your birthday four years ago?"

"Mr. Snippy bit me! I had to take retribution!"

"I wasn't aware attempting to make turtle soup counted as retribution."

Nora pouted, crossing her arms. "That's just one example."

Ren marked the page in his book, smiling to himself as he closed it. This was going to be a fun evening.

"Alright, then." Ren said as he folded his arms in his lap. "I'll make a deal with you. Name any number, and if I can't name the same amount of examples that disprove your responsibility, you can have a baby."

"Deal!" shouted Nora, extending her pinky to the brunette. "Pinky-swear!"

Chuckling to himself, Ren wrapped his pinky around Nora's own, the two shaking once to seal the ancient, sacred contract of pinky swear.

"Alright, shoot."

"Nine-hundred and seventy gajillion!"

"…A real number, Nora." Ren deadpanned.

Nora pressed a finger to her chin in thought, before replying "Six."

"The hamster from the orphanage you lost in a poker game, the cobra you tried wearing as a belt for two days, that murder of crows you tried training to attack on sight, the rhino you stole from the zoo so you could be 'Nora: Rhino Warrior Princess', the cow you bought so you could have fresh milk everyday, and the gorilla you wanted to arm-wrestle with."

Nora was silent.

"Still want a baby?" Ren smirked, cocking an eyebrow. Oh, he shouldn't have asked that.

"Yes!" declared Nora, pumping a fist in the air. "I want a baby, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"

At that moment, Jaune and Pyrrha, back from their usual nightly training session, entered. The blonde looked considerably better than the last few sessions; less bruises, and a happy grin on his face. "Hey, Ren. Hey, Nora." greeted the knight.

"Jaune!" squealed Nora, rushing over to her leader. "I want a baby!"

"Bye, Ren. Bye, Nora." was Jaune's instantaneous reply, turning on his heel, ignoring the reddening of his face of the mild stroke Pyrrha seemed to be suffering.

"You get back here, Arc!" ordered Nora, chasing after the blonde. "I want a baby, and I'm gonna get one!"

There was a long period of silence after the two left, a bemused smirk on Ren's face.

"What in the name of Dust was all that about!?" Pyrrha half-squeaked, half-shrieked.

"Nothing important." Ren replied, cracking open his book again. "Nora wants a baby."

"How is that not important!? Oh, Dust, Jaune! I should—"

"Calm down, Pyrrha. This happens with Nora every other year or so. She thinks she wants a baby, when really she just wants something to cuddle. She's got a fairly overreactive biological clock."

Pyrrha stared incredulously at her teammate. "How can you be so nonchalant about this?"

Ren coolly turned a page in his book. "I've known Nora a long time. Trust me, things'll be fine. She'll forget all about this in the morning and probably ask me to make her pancakes."

Pyrrha wasn't totally convinced (and still worried about Jaune), but Ren's words seemed to soothe her. "Are you sure Jaune will be okay? Nora's pretty fast."

"He'll be fine."

A loud explosion, probably from Nora's hammer sounded off in the distance, making both Ren and Pyrrha's eyes widen.

"…He might incur some damage."

A thought suddenly struck the redhead. "Wait a minute…why is she chasing after Jaune and not you?"

Ren stealthily held his book up more to cover the pink rising in his cheeks. "I refused plenty of times. It takes a while, but Nora learns thing eventually."

"Well, what about the cuddle part?"

Ren chuckled. "Nora…doesn't exactly cuddle. She grips. Hard."

"Speaking from experience, are we?" teased the redhead, finally starting to settle down.

Ren offered no response, instead closing his book and walking to the bathroom to shower.

The following morning greeted Ren and Pyrrha to an interesting sight. Jaune, at some point, had made it back to the dorm, covered in bruises and small gunpowder burns. But that wasn't what drew their attention.

Nora was sitting on her bed cross-legged, holding a yellow bundle in her hands. She was babbling gleefully to it, making all sorts of cooing and gurgling sounds.

"…Nora…" asked Ren, feeling his heart turn to ice. "What is that?"

Nora smiled wide, holding up the bundle. "I told you I'd get a baby, and I did it!"

Oh, they were doomed. This was worse than when Nora replaced Professor Oobleck's coffee with decaf as a prank. Nora had abducted a child. And each and every one of them would be named accessories after the fact.

And they'd probably be expelled.

"Nora…" asked Ren as calmly as he could muster. "Where did you get that baby."

"Well, last night, while I was chasing Jaune, I got hungry, so I looked around for something to eat. Then I heard this crying from the bushes, and I saw this!" She raised the bundle gleefully. "You wanna see? He's so cute! I call him Green Baby."

"Why on Remnant would you call him Green Baby—oh, Dust."

Nora had unwrapped the bundle, revealing the creature within. In a diaper (where none of them had any idea how Nora obtained) was some sort of unholy fusion of a baby and a demon, green-skinned with pointed ears, and piercing red eyes. It babbled happily as it smiled, revealing rows of razor-sharp teeth.

"WHAT IS THAT!?" screamed Jaune, springing backwards from his bed.

"Is that a Grimm!?" asked Pyrrha, drawing her weapons.

Ren, drawing on every reserve of stoicism he had (saving his shock and anger for the vicious lecture he planned to give Nora later on the topic of infant abduction), spoke. "Not likely. It doesn't have the bone mask all Grimm have. But it isn't human, that's for sure."

The Green Baby sniffled slightly before bursting into tears, covering its face.

"Ren, shame on you!" chastised the surprised Ren. "You shouldn't be so mean to our baby!"

"Nora, can you please take even three seconds to think this—hang on." Ren paused. "Did you say 'our' baby?"

Nora giggled and rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah. Who else would I want to be the father? Jaune?"

"Hey!" Jaune said indignantly. "You chased me for four miles last night!"

"You were the means to an end, Jaune." Nora chuckled, uncharacteristically dark. "Nothing more, and nothing less."

Jaune's jaw dropped, the knight putting an offended hand to his chest. "I…I feel so...used…

"Nora," Ren said, trying to restore order. "You need to put that baby back."

"No!" the redhead replied, hugging Green Baby closer to her chest. "He's my child! I won't let you take him from me! Just look at him!" She held him out and bounced him on her knee slightly, making the baby squeal in delight. "As sweet as [a pear tart]!"

At those words, Green Baby suddenly stood stock-still, flashing slightly. As quick as the strange behavior started, it ended.

"What just happened?" quizzed Jaune, eyeing the creature.

"Dunno." shrugged Nora. "It did that last night when I saw four [rhinoceros beetles]."

Ren raised an eyebrow. Rhinoceros beetles? In this weather? …Why was THAT what he was questioning? "Nora, listen to reason. You're seventeen. You're in school. You can't take care of a baby. Even if it looks like that."

That seemed to do it. The baby began bawling, its cries sounding like nails on the nails on the chalkboard. Pyrrha covered her ears, and Jaune could feel blood trickling down his nose. Even Ren was feeling the effects, his head on the verge of splitting from the sound.

Strangely enough, Nora didn't seem affected at all. However, she saw how her teammates were suffering, and did the only thing she could think of to quiet a screaming baby.

Make funny faces.

Setting down Green Baby, she cracked her knuckles and got to work.

"Bleeeeeeh!" Nora said, pulling her eyes downward. However, the baby took no notice, which shocked Nora. That face always killed. Time to up the ante.

"A bloo bloo bloo!" This time, Nora pushed her cheeks together and waggled her lips like a fish.

Green Baby eyed Nora, its cries starting to grow softer. 'It's working,' she thought.'Time for the finishing move.'

Balling her hands to fists, she pressed them against her cheeks, blowing a huge raspberry.

The cries were replaced with jubilant laughter as Green Baby clapped its hands, red eyes twinkling with glee. Pyrrha removed her hands and rushed over to the semiconscious Jaune, trying to shake him awake. Ren's internal volume stabilized, though his mood was considerably worsened.

"See what I mean, Nora? You can't keep it—" The baby hiccuped, appearing on the verge of crying again. "—Green Baby around. He's dangerous."

"You hurt his feelings!" chastised the redhead. "Babies are sensitive, Ren, you should know that." The hammer-wielder turned away from her partner, nose high in the air. "I don't think this marriage is gonna work out."

Ren blinked, wondering what the hell exactly happened in the last few hours that could possibly make Nora think she and Ren were married. Before he could voice his ire, a low rumbling sound emanated from the Green Baby.

"Looks like someone's hungry!" giggled Nora, booping the baby's nose.

Food. That was it. Maybe after Nora had some nourishment she'd start thinking clearly and they could return the baby to…wherever. "Good idea, Nora." Ren said. "I'll make you and Green Baby some pancakes and—"

"No."

Ren paused. He couldn't have heard that correctly. "I'm sorry?"

"Yes, you are." replied Nora in a scolding tone that reached even Pyrrha and Jaune. "And we shall not be dining on your meanie pancakes."

There were three things Ren was sure of were constants of the universe. He'd never cut the pink streak from his hair, Grimm were as evil as evil could be, and Nora Valkyrie adored his pancakes. With the last sentence Nora spoke he began to wonder if the universe itself was starting to unravel.

"C'mon, Green Baby." said Nora, brushing past Ren as she left. "We'll find you something to ear that wasn't made by meanies." The baby gurgled slightly and gave Nora a smile, the redhead smiling back. "Aw, you precious little [angel]."

Again the baby stood stock still, its body flashing quickly before returning to normal.

The two left, leaving behind a dumbstruck Ren, a confused Pyrrha, and a Jaune very much in pain.

END