AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This could easily be TOS or AU, but since I couldn't help picturing Shatner, Nimoy, and Kelley, I categorized it as TOS. Sometimes imaginary conversations between the trio run through my brain when I try to sleep. This is one of them.

Sorry. (Not sorry.)

"God damn it, you're missing the point, you green-blooded imp!"

"You made the restrictions of the imaginary scenario quite clear, Doctor. I am simply answering in the most logical way based on the rules that you applied in accordance the hypothetical ultimatum you presented."

"Exactly, Spock! Hypothetical! Which means you don't have to get into that nauseating logic crap to make sense out of it!"

"Then how am I to infer the best possible choice between two clearly undesirable options?"

"It's not about being logical. The game is called 'would you rather' not 'let's be logical'!"

"'Rather' is an ambiguous and highly subjective—"

"For the love of… Jim, help me out here!"

Kirk had been sitting quite comfortably at the head of the officer's table, chewing away at a very masterly replicated chicken sandwich. McCoy's plea only earned a cock-eyed grin, one cheek full of food.

"You're doing fine, Bones…" the words were muffled.

The doctor was seated to his left, his lunch consisting of a cup of coffee and probably more caffeine than his already frayed nerves needed. To Kirk's right was Spock, a half-finished bowl of Plomeek soup in front of him and left to grow cold from the sudden argument that had arisen.

"Okay, Spock, okay…" Bones carefully flattened a palm on the table, no doubt to keep it from turning into a fist. "You're so damned smart when it comes to observing, why don't you just pay attention and see how it's done."

"By all means, Doctor," the Vulcan said politely and finally set down his long forgotten spoon.

"Alright then." McCoy swiveled in his chair to better face the munching captain. "Jim. Would you rather lose your hair or lose an eye?"

"Eye," Kirk answered without a beat, another bite then taken of his sandwich.

"See?" McCoy gestured to the captain. "It's that easy, Spock."

But the Vulcan wasn't satisfied in the least. His pointed brows knitted together confusedly and he looked between the two humans, as if waiting for elaboration. "That is an illogical choice, captain."

"Really? I think I'd look good with an eye patch.…"

"Your reasons are purely based on vanity then, captain. In terms of utility, the visual sensory organs surpass hair growth in any variation."

"I never want to play this game again…" McCoy grumbled into his coffee.

"Wait a minute, it's my turn to ask. Spock…" Kirk set down his partially eaten sandwich with great ceremony and flicked the crumbs from his fingers before linking them together. Leaning forward he squinted hard at the blank-faced science officer. "Would you rather… wake up one day and be completely human, all emotions and irrationality—or—have sex with a Klingon."

Bones snorted his coffee, a mixture of hacking and laughing erupting from him.

Spock didn't so much as blink. "Such scenarios are hardly—"

"No! You have to pick one," Kirk aimed a finger at him for emphasis. He took on his most authoritative tone. "The point of this game is a thought exercise that involves preferences and choosing the lesser of two evils. Consider it a sort of…Kobayashi Maru."

"I cannot answer without sufficient data."

Kirk cleared his throat to contain a laugh. "Fair enough…" Putting on his most serious face he leaned back in his chair and nodded somberly. "I'll fill in the blanks for you then, so you can make the most informed decision."

"This'll be good…" McCoy chuckled. He never laughed as much as he did when it was at Spock expense.

Spock propped his elbows on each side of his soup bowl, his finger steepling in front of his mouth with the utmost consideration. "What would be the duration of being purely human?"

"Permanent. For the rest of your life."

The Vulcan's brow furrowed a bit with distaste. "The gender of the Klingon?"

Kirk ventured to exchange glances with McCoy, and it almost made them both bust out laughing. But Jim maintained his poker face. "What if I said female?"

"Then my next inquiry would be the criteria for said intercourse."

"And if I said male?"

"The same."

"And um…" Kirk ran a hand over his mouth in a desperate attempt to keep from smiling too much. "By 'criteria' you mean…?"

Spock was turning a little green in the cheeks and ears, but he did an admirable job not fidgeting. "Well… Naturally, there are certain… actions involved, varying depending on the genders of those engaging in the…"

"Now I'm getting uncomfortable," Bones grumbled through a chuckle. "I really don't need to hear in-depth discussions on Vulcan and Klingon sex, hypothetical or otherwise. Can we just say the criteria are whatever you're comfortable with in any scenario? The principle of it is bad enough as it is…"

Jim was laughing now. "Alright, alright… The gender of the Klingon is up your own discretion, Mr. Spock. And so is what you two do together… The only condition is that you have to spend 12 hours doing it."

Spock's face suddenly lit up with understanding. "I see. One scenario involves a long term endurance of inconvenience and degradation, the other only 12 hours of severe discomfort and possible pain."

"Are you actually saying that being human is more inconvenient and degrading than having a Klingon—male or female—completely dominate you in the bedroom?" Bones stared aghast.

"I stated no such thing, doctor," Spock replied calmly. "I'm merely stating that an irrevocable lifetime of being human may not be the preferable option to a voluntary, and limited, period of humiliation and probable pain."

"God almighty…" Bones looked to the ceiling. "Will you just pick one, you… walking abacus."

Spock fell quiet, the turning of wheels in his head practically audible as he turned over the two unsavory options in his head. Kirk, meanwhile, happily went back to eating his sandwich as he simply watched the Vulcan, awaiting the answer as if it was a lottery number.

Finally, Spock lowered his hands from their thoughtful pose and linked them together in his lap. "Sex with a Klingon."

Kirk expected McCoy to laugh again, but the doctor looked more bemused than amused.

"There're four words I never thought I'd hear outta your mouth," Bones said slowly. "I'm gonna regret this later but… Now I gotta know the Vulcan logic behind that one."

"Just… keep it clean." Kirk added with a chuckle.

"And there are four words I never thought I'd hear outta your mouth," McCoy grinned at him.

Kirk glared jokingly at the doctor before nodding respectfully to his science officer. "The floor is yours, Mr. Spock. Why that one?"

"It is quite simple, captain. In the latter scenario with the Klingon, you offered a broader margin in which I could alter the circumstances so that they may fit my preferences. As the only condition of it was twelve hours spent engaging in intercourse with a Klingon, it would only be logical to make such an event as bearable as possible. Therefore, I concluded that in order to preserve my own physical health—and need I add dignity—in such an encounter, I would utilize any number of Vulcan techniques. The nerve pinch could render the Klingon less aggressive, and there are numerous Vulcan meditations to prevent any emotions from emerging as a consequence of the ordeal."

"I don't know if I should laugh or not," McCoy said somberly.

By the time Spock was done talking, Kirk had finished every last bite of his food. He washed it down with some black coffee and gave an acknowledging nod. "Logical, Spock. Very logical… But you forgot one option."

Spock frowned and canted his head, seeming a little offended that he could possibly miscalculate anything. "Captain?"

Kirk was on his feet and tugging his uniform down over his full stomach. "Getting naked with the Klingon and just having fun."

The idea was atrocious and Kirk knew it. But the look of completely revulsion on Spock's face made it all worth it.

"You would…" McCoy mumbled and also stood from his chair to follow the captain to the bridge.