Hey, just a heads up. Suicide mentioned and if you haven't read A choice with no regrets...there isn't really spoilers but it's mentioned.

It went though my stomach.

I was lying on my bed trying to fall asleep. It wouldn't come like most nights, but I did drift off into my world of memories.

Pain.

I didn't want to accept that I had done it. I don't even fully remember why.

The color red blossomed in every edge of my vision.

Was it the kid? The faceless, nameless soul that I had somehow cared so much about.

It was stabbing me, by my own hands.

The pain was real. It blossomed over my chest. It felt familiar.

I had stabbed myself back then.

I needed it to stop. It needed to feel differently. I couldn't take this again.

I dug my nail into my skin and dragged them across. A stinging sensation ripped across my torso, it was a different kind of pain. I could still feel the blade. I did it again and again, the scratches began to ooze the red liquid I'd come to despise. It stung, but it was keeping me sane. I was okay. I wouldn't do that again. Another blade would never be forced through my chest.

Slowly, the realization of why I had done began to overwhelm me. Shit. They would notice the blood stains on the sheets. There was no such thing as hiding in this place.

I have to hide it...I have to...sleep. I felt my eyes close and I drifted into darkness.

A light tap on the shoulder made my eyes snap open. I looked quickly around the room, looking for signs of danger. "Whoa, Levi!" It was a female voice.

Pain shot through my stomach. I gripped it quickly trying to shove it into non existence, shit. She was going to ask, then she would know. I glanced up, thinking it was Hanji standing above me, it was Petra.

Her eyes furrowed with concern. "Levi?"

I tried to make it look like I was fine. I straightened myself out, unclenching my stomach and uncurling my fists. "I'm fine...it was just a nightmare," I muttered, turning away from her. I could feel her eyes boring into my back, it was just like in the past when she knew I was lying.

"I don't think that's what it is..." She trailed off, I could feel her eyes moving to my torso. "Let me see."

I didn't feel like I had to hide from her, I never had. But she was a different person now; I didn't care. I turned back to her watchful gaze and slowly removed my shirt. The deep scratches and the area surrounding them had turned a furious red and they cris crossed across my stomach. Petra didn't say anything, analyzing the self inflicted wounds.

She helped me out of the bed and began leading me down the hall to the infirmary. It was a silent walk, but I didn't feel guilty. I couldn't tell what she was feeling, and to be honest I didn't really want to.

The nurse on duty brought me to the top of table and began cleaning my wounds. "How did these happen?" She asked quickly, emotionlessly.

Petra was standing on the back wall, and I sent her a pleading, no, begging look. She knew what I wanted. "How about you let me talk to him all right?" The nurse looked as though she was about to say something, but thought otherwise. Giving me a slight glare, she left the room.

"What happened Levi?" Petra sat down on the nurses chair, looking at me with her warm brown eyes.

I shifted under her gaze, "Last night...I couldn't sleep." I paused, why was I telling her this? She wasn't Erwin. I didn't know how she was going to react to this...it didn't matter now.

Petra nodded encouragingly. I couldn't lie.

"I started sinking into my memories. I remembered how I died. I could feel the sword in my chest, I needed it to stop..I needed to make it feel different." I squirmed. She wasn't Erwin. She wasn't going to talk about it with me. She was going to help me come out of my mind, tell me it was lies. Explain why I was crazy.

Maybe I was.

Her face contorted into confusion. She didn't know how to respond to me. Not when I so firmly believed what I was saying. Petra wasn't used to me. "I'm going to get Erwin, alright?" Why did everyone have to say it?

Was I really that crazy? That I couldn't tell the truth about what I thought without people leaving me? If I went back into the real world would I be treated this way? Like a crazy invalid? How could I live like this? My questions were piling up and none of the answers were coming to mind. I had given up control to people who wouldn't believe me. I had put my trust in the wrong things, the wrong people. I need the control back. I couldn't do anything about it now. They would be coming back soon. My few conscious decisions I had left to make would be taken. I couldn't let it happen.

The door opened and I glanced up. Erwin stood in the doorway, a disappointed look on his face. I hated it. He was trying to make me feel guilty when he had put me in here in the first place. "Levi, you were doing so well."

I was ready to strangle him. I had half a mind to do it. "I haven't changed since the first day I got here." I could feel the tension building.

"You have, you just don't know it." My right arm was twitching.

"I'm still crazy!" I screamed. Covering my eyes with my hands. There it was. My confession. "Erwin everyone keeps telling me it's a lie. I can feel the emotions I can feel the pain! I know these people! I KNOW these people! Every death, every life, I remember you and Hanji and you and your bastard ass smile. And your stupid plans. The titans! ERWIN I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'M GOING INSANE."

He stared at me, studying my movements. He was calm. I needed him to yell, I needed him to tell me I was crazy, or that I was right. Anything.

He was silent.

"SAY SOMETHING!" my throat was raw, my stomach burned. My heart was in knots and my fists were clenched so tightly I thought my nails were going to go through my skin, yet all I received was more silence. Enraged, I jumped off the bench, fist hurling at Erwin's face. He caught it, eyes looking at me with more sadness than I had ever seen before.

"We're going to have to move you into a different area," he said quietly.

I swung my free hand, hitting him square on in the face. "Fuck you." I spat, backing off. Erwin rubbed his face looking at me, same sad expression resting there.

"Levi you need to calm down-"

"So what you can tell me everything is fine?" My hand was twitching and my chest burned with more than one kind of pain. Erwin stood, looking down at me. A sterner expression covered his face.

"Levi, calm down."

I didn't say anything as I backed away. I could feel my blood boiling. I had never been quite this angry before, and no where near this at him. Maybe it had been waiting, or maybe I had never acknowledged it before. I was letting it take control. Memories were beginning to burst through my mind. I had already seen them, and in any other situation I wouldn't have let them get to me. However, the first one I had of the annoying blonde came to my mind. My face was being shoved into the filthy sewage water that covered the underground...because of his command. My friends were being threatened, because he wanted me to tell him my name.

I owed him nothing.

There was something else tugging at my thoughts, begging to get my attention. It could have been the call back to reality, but I wasn't going to listen to it. I was too caught up in my rage. I moved into a defensive position, completely focused on the memory. He wasn't about to get the better of me. He wasn't going to kill my friends. They were there, beside me. Isabel...she looked fearfully at me. She didn't deserve to be scared, I was supposed to protect her…

"Bastard!" I ran at him at full force. Something pricked into my arm. I wobbled and everything began to darken. No...Isabel...I needed to help her...

Green. It clouded my vision. It was a nice change from the normal red but not also confused me. Was I outside? That was unlikely for two reasons. One, I lived in a mental institution and two, I was pretty sure it was winter. Everything was blurry, and even when I tried to focus it remained that way. I tried tuning on my side, groaning because of the stiffness of my body.

"Hey are you okay?" A face was beginning to take shape in front of my face. His eyes were what was giving off the green tint. They were so bright.

I refused to answer him, wondering what the hell he was doing in my room.

"Do you need a doctor?"

I hated to snap at him, but I wasn't in the mood. I didn't even know him and probably wouldn't be seeing much of him anyway. "Shut your trap, I'm fine."

The noise from the other stopped, and I sighed. Quiet was good. A long silence passed and then I heard shuffling form the other side of the room.

"What's your name? Mine is Eren." A bed squeaked. It hadn't even been five minutes. This kid was just begging to get on my nerves.

After another, less comfortable silence passed and I decided to tell him, "Levi. What are you doing in my room?"

I turned to see his face contort with confusion. "Your room?"

"Yes my room."

"This isn't your room...you were just transferred here." I stared at him for a long time. So it wasn't an empty threat like it had been so many times before. He had actually done it. I'd been moved into a room with another person...so things like that wouldn't happen again.

I would kill him next time.

I sat up, glancing at the window. Sunshine lit up the dull room and threatened to make it look cheery. It had been dark last I remembered...I had been sleeping all day. It was already morning. I moved a hand to my chest, feeling the bandages. It was sore, I hadn't even noticed it when I had been screaming at Erwin.

"Um breakfast is in a bit…" I heard Eren squeak from the other side of the room.

"Fine." I growled, standing up. I wobbled a bit, and could feel the other's eyes boring into my back. "Don't even think about it." I didn't need his help, and he didn't need to touch me. He was probably filthy. I turned and glanced at my unmade bed, then at his.

The room was dusty, the kid obviously didn't have standards. If you didn't say anything they could go weeks without sweeping your floor or changing the sheets. The dust piling in the corner and the smudge marks on the window paine were enough of a give away, but the fact he was walking away from an unmade bed? Inexcusable. I pulled the scratchy sheet up to the headboard, smoothing it until it was flat. This brat was going to have to change his condition of living if I am going to be staying with him. I glanced to see if Eren was following my example. He wasn't.

"Make your bed."

"What does it matter? I'm just going to sleep in it later." He shrugged, standing from the mattress. It was at this point I realized he was taller than me. Not to the extent that Erwin was, but enough to bug me. Letting out a short breath of exasperation, I forced a smile to my face.

"You share a room with me now, you're going to take care of it."

"But whats the point?"

"The point is to make us feel like we have some control over how we live. Would you rather live in a pig sty or in a house?" I hated calling it a house when it was so obviously nothing of the sort, but it was the best analogy I had. He gave me a startled look, like he wasn't expecting a legitimate answer. He was an idiot, there was always a reason for what I did. "Make your bed."

He did as I told him.

Walking down to breakfast was pleasant enough. No one bugged me on way down there at least. I sat down at the table I always sat at, lying my head on the table and waiting to be served. I heard a thump next to me and glanced up. Eren had sat down across for me. Aside that from being an inherently dumb decision I couldn't figure out why he would choose to do so. No one sat by me, that was how I liked it. "Go sit with someone else brat," I grumbled.

"I'm fine here," he said quietly.

"Whatever." I gave I'm, but I didn't quite know why. I didn't want him there, but for some reason I let him? I would just ignore him.

This worked for a long time actually. He didn't say a word, and for that I was grateful. Actually, no one said much, until I heard an obnoxious gasp and a loud voice.

"Yeah! I heard that Erwin doctor guy got nailed in the face by one of his patients!"

"W-who do you think it was?" A worried voice whispered.

"Jean," exasperated voice muttered.

The voice, now dubbed Jean continued, "I bet it was that freak that no one talks to."

I knew he was talking about me. I could feel his eyes boring into my back.

"I mean they called code and everything, they must have really went crazy!"

I gripped my spoon tighter with every word. If this punk didn't shut up the answer to exactly what happened would show up all over his face. He would be wise to shut his trap.

"Jean!" The other voice complained, a bit louder this time. He sounded like the mother hen type of person.

"Marco c'mon! It's not like that head case is paying attention. I bet he's too out of it or pumped full of meds to even-"

"Jean you're scaring Armin!"

"N-no I'm fine." A weaker voice muttered.

"Yeah, see Marco he's fine! I bet Erwin took him on easy though, he's so tiny-"

That was it. I stood up, whirling around to look him in the face. My fists were clenched but my face was calm. I wasn't going to let this idiot get to me. "What was that?"

This "Jean" who had been talking was looking at me, surprize covered his expression. He obviously believed what I was saying about me being on too many drugs. "I-uh.." He trailed off, glancing at the annoyed looking person with freckles seated next to him for help.

"Sorry about Jean, he has a big mouth." He gave a smile. He was the mother hen that I heard. I gave him a glare, "I wasn't talking to you."

"Okay,"' he squeaked.

"Now would you like to explain to me what it is you were talking about?" A blush of embarrassment began covering his cheeks. I could hear the brat shifting in his chair.

"Levi..." I ignored him.

I didn't know quite what I wanted to do to this Jean. Any more violence would make me even worse off now, so that was out of the question. I could glare at him, it seemed to work with almost everyone. But I felt like I needed to humiliate him, the same way he was talking about me.

Jean Kirstein had arrived approximately one week ago. It was a while by this place's standards. He was probably going to stay another week or so without any setbacks. This ward had two areas: short term and long term. I honestly had no idea why they mixed us together, probably was easier. It probably didn't matter. I knew he came in because he tried to kill himself a week ago. You hear a lot of things when all you do is listen. I hadn't the faintest idea why...yet.

"We're all crazy here." I raised my eyebrows at the muffin top. "What makes you any different? You think that just because you're in here for the short term program you're less of a head case. I've got news for you, if you're here you're just like everyone else."

"Oh yeah? I've heard stories about you! No one knows anything about you and you've been here the longest. What about that crap you pulled in group the other day? Not letting anyone die? What the hell does that mean?" He stood up from the table defensively. The freckled boy beside him sighed, not saying anything. He was backing off, smart kid.

"I might change my mind if you continue to stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. Or maybe I'll make an exception just for you." I could see Hanji out of the corner of my eye watching the situation. She was probably gauging our reactions to make sure no one tried to start anything. It was rare for actual fist fights amongst the patients but when they did happen in front of everyone, the day's schedule was completely thrown off. I couldn't afford to screw up another day. I wanted things to go back to normal...or as normal as they could get in this shit hole.

"What does that even mean?" Jean was clenching his fists. I needed to back off before this got ugly, this one looked like a fighter.

"Levi…" I whirled around to see Eren staring at me. He looked concerned, probably because he didn't want to see a fight. I didn't know what his problems were yet. I took a deep breath, looks like it was time to be the bigger man.

"Listen to your boyfriend and sit down and eat your food Kirstein." I sat down at my table and glanced at Eren. He was still staring at Jean. I looked back, wondering what he was doing now. His eyes were wide with shock, probably having some sort of flashback. From his face I could tell it wasn't pleasant.

"Y-you..." Jean was looking back at me now. Well this is just great, my harmless comment probably triggered him. How the hell was I supposed to know? The kid sitting next to him, Marco as he was referred to by the other was on his feet.

"Jean, Jean look at me." He looked at him worriedly, pulling him down into his chair. "Its okay, you're fine."

"I'm sorry…" I offered quietly, not knowing what it was that I did exactly. Jean didn't acknowledge it, putting his head in his hands. I looked at my food, appetite lost. "I'll see you later Eren," I muttered, standing up and leaving. I didn't want to make this worse. I could hear Eren standing up to follow me. Annoying brat.

I skipped group that day, but no one came to get me. Maybe they were being generous, or maybe they didn't want me triggering anyone else today. I didn't care however and stared at the ceiling in my room. Eren wasn't there and I sighed in relief. It was even worse now because that kid wanted to follow me everywhere. I rolled over on my side and closed my eyes. "All of you annoying doctors just need to leave me alone." I flipped onto my stomach, not being able to get comfortable. "Then maybe I can be sane again." I didn't care that I was talking to myself. I was alone and no one could judge me.

"Levi." Oh, so I was only fooling myself into thinking I was alone. I looked up to see Hanji, her smile completely gone and it was almost scary. Slowly I sat up, wishing she would leave but knowing she wouldn't.

"C'mon," she nodded her head towards the door. I slowly stood following her. I assumed it was going to be another appointment with Erwin considering the one from yesterday didn't go so well. I followed her out the door slowly, not wanting this meeting to happen.

"I heard what happened," she muttered.

"Yeah."

"You're going to be all right Levi."

"Sure."

Hanji stopped outside of his office. "I'm serious. If you let us help you it can get better, but if you never try it isn't going to work." I sighed, taking in her words.

"But I'm not crazy!" I stared, my eyes locking with hers. "I'm...I'm just..." I couldn't find the words to explain myself. She'd heard them a thousand times. Hanji stepped forward. Alarmed, I stepped back. I thought she was going to stick me like Erwin had. She paused for a moment, and pulled me into her arms. I stiffened. What was she doing? What was she getting at? What did she want?

"You're going to get through this." Her voice was soft and she pulled me even closer, rubbing my back. Hearing the door click made me flinch back, jumping out of her arms. Hanji looked up and so did I.

Erwin stood in the door, he glanced at Hanji then looked somberly at me. "C'mon Levi." I shakily stepped towards him. mind still on the hug. She had done it once before, but Erwin had scolded her, telling her it was against protocol. Now he didn't say a word.

Everything must have changed, and I couldn't tell if I liked it or not. We stepped into his office, he carefully shut the door behind him. I glanced around, a few items that were normally on his desk had seemingly disappeared. A couple breakable trinkets and a stack of papers that he'd told me were due a long time ago were gone. My best guess it that it was my fault. He probably didn't want me going berserk and break his things.

For the first time in a long time, I decided not to lie. I would answer with the automatic truth that bubbled to the surface and threatened me everytime I was in this office. I was going to be good...then maybe I could get rid of the brat in my room.

"Hello." Erwin greeted, smiling. I could see through it. I could see his real emotion behind the false smile. It was anger.

"Hi." I slumped into one of Erwin's cushy arm chairs and let myself relax. He must have noticed my change in regular attitude because his wall suddenly went up. Normally when I walked in, I stood for at least the first fifteen minutes, and it took me another fifteen to settle down enough to even speak to him any part of the truth.

"How was your week?" It was such a dumb question, I had to bite back the sarcasm that was begging to drip of my tongue. Erwin raised his eyebrows in surprise when he realized that the first thing that was going to come out of my mouth wasn't an obvious lie.

"It sucked." There was nothing funny or joking about the way I said that.

He stared at me, shocked that he'd gotten the truth. "Why was that?"

"I remembered a bunch of shit, went a bit crazy and then you stuck me with a fucking needle, I know this isn't news to you Erwin."

"Its important to hear your perspective."

"You didn't have to sedate me you know."

"Its protocol."

"You know me."

"You got me in the jaw."

"Did it bruise?" I asked it a bit more hopefully than I intended.

"Did you want it it too?" He set down his clipboard, looking straight into my eyes.

I had at the time. Maybe still a little bit, especially after giving me a roommate. However I shook my head knowing that even if it did it wouldn't mean anything. "No...I'm sorry. I just lost okay?"

"What was going through your head?" He'd picked his clipboard back up, taking his eyes off me momentarily. I tried to think about it. I tried to find the words that explained my rage at him...no. At everything.

"I hate it here Erwin." I waited for him to interrupt me, to explain to me why being here wasn't so bad. Nothing came, so I continued. "I hate the control, I hate the schedule, I hate the fact I'm forced to talk to people, I hate the reason I'm here, I hate the memories, and I especially hate the fact that don't hate you." I leaned forward in my chair covering my eyes so I wouldn't have to watch his reaction. "Thats right, I don't hate you. I don't hate Hanji. I don't hate the kid you've roomed me with...well yet anyways...I don't hate what some of the memories have to hold."

"Levi I-"

"Shut up and let me finish. Just because I don't hate them though, doesn't mean I want more. There was a happy memory that came back the other day, one with me and Isabel and Farlan...We went up top for a while, not steal, but to be happy. We watched the sunset, got some food…we didn't smell like shit…" I grinned in spite of myself. "I don't have very many memories like that, and I cherish it." I stopped speaking, getting lost in the the thought of such a happy time.

Not very many good things had happened, we were scum of the city after all...but I was past that now. Now it didn't matter. Those two had made my life okay for a while. I was grateful.

"I know you don't hate me." The voice slammed through my thoughts like a sledge hammer. "You were upset, and thats understandable. I know you hate it here Levi, you voiced it to me so many times. Never as directly though," he chuckled.

I pulled my knees to my chest. Bastard. He was laughing, that was the most heart spilling moment I'd had with him and he was laughing. Even worse, when I told him I hated him he hadn't believed me. The words hadn't been empty when I said them. They had been true. I had hated Erwin in the past, I had always off and on hated him. Now I didn't hate him as much, but I was ready to. So very ready.

"You didn't believe me?" I whispered. "I wasn't lying to you. I hated you. I've just thought about it and decided I can hate you a bit less right now." It sounded childish. "You're laughing at what I say? I'm telling you the truth and you're just laughing. I'm telling you something that matters. Isabel. Farlan...they were my friends. I know you didn't know them. I know you think I'm crazy…"

I stopped myself, putting my head to my knees. I was crazy. "But you-" I tightened my grip around my legs. I couldn't contain my thoughts anymore. I could feel the tears coming back again. I hated the fact that sadness was burdened with them. Tears made you look weak. I couldn't afford to look weak in front of him. Especially not now.

"Levi, I'm not laughing at you."

Yes you are.

"I'm laughing because I'm relieved. I know you didn't mean your words, because you're apologizing. If you didn't feel guilty about it you wouldn't have."

"I didn't apologize to you." I ground out. "I just took back what I said. For now."

It was nice talking to him. For the first time answers came easily and honestly, just like I promised myself. I couldn't tell weather it was helping or hurting my current situation in this hell hole, but I know change was on the way. I just prayed to whatever god existed that it wasn't for the worse.

Author's Note:

Hey guys. Second chapter~ I don't have a beta reader so I'm sorry for all the mistakes I will probably be fixing later on. Hope all the characters are in character...I'm trying. ^^" Okay, have a good day. I love feedback, I love likes and follows and I love anyone who is willing to stick with this!~ Thanks for reading!