Gandalf's Hat, Thorin's White Lie

As Gandalf entered the hobbits room, the smell within it gave the wizard a disturbed feeling. His eyes noticed strange stains everywhere within the room, all the book shelves were strangely barren and the bed held no kind of sheet or covers. Trying to get past the weird feeling he was having, Gandalf kept searching until his keen eyes landed on what he was looking for.

His hat, the item he treasured like a limb, was perched upon the hobbits desk. Gandalf triumphantly gripped it, placing it carefully upon his gray head, and then began looking around for a mirror. He had missed wearing his trusted head cover, and wished to look upon himself wearing it.

Seeing no sign of a mirror within the room, he headed out the hall in search of one. He passed by party guests here and there, all seeming to be taken aback at his hats return, for their eyes widened whenever he passed, making him feel more confident and special. He was swaggering in a cocky manner by the time he located a full length mirror, close to the kitchen.

He went to look upon himself, his eyes holding a spark of joy, until he noticed something terribly amiss with his hat. There were strange stains about his precious accessory! What they were from, he could hardly begin to guess.

"Bilbo Baggins!" He called out for everyone to hear, furious that the hobbit hadn't taken better care of his most prized possession.

"Where are you, hobbit?!" He barked, beginning to stomp around the mountain, pushing over any dwarf that got in his way. Bilbo would explain himself, before Gandalf left he had to hear a full blown apology from the little halfling, or things were about to get ugly.

-0-0-

Bilbo had been carried into Thorins bed chamber, it was their wedding after all, and the dwarf king was feeling very randy at the moment. With Dain gone he felt relaxed and at ease, as his stocky hands worked at Bilbo's fancy dress.

"I haven't minded the dresses, Bilbo. But I'll be happier seeing you back in trousers." Thorin admitted to his companion, finally getting the dress to fall off Bilbo 's naked form.

"Trousers sound wonderful, but right now I think they'd only hinder what I have in mind." Bilbo playfully teased his dwarf, slipping onto the bed.

"That they would..." Thorin agreed, sliding off his own attire before sinking into the bed, straddling his little hobbit with mischief in his eyes.

The couple had planned on a romantic coupling, what they hadn't foreseen was Gandalf's abrupt entrance into their room.

Thorin was pushed off the hobbit by magic as the wizard marched right up to the hobbit and started demanding answers. He'd taken off his hat and was pointing to the thing, bellowing at Bilbo to tell him what in the world was staining his beloved hat.

As Thorin rose from the ground, nude and completely pissed at the wizards rude interruption, he noticed the stains and felt his cheeks flush. That one evening, when he'd been a naughty dwarf and soiled a bunch of Bilbo's things with his seed, he hadn't given Gandalf's hat a second thought. He had been so angry, that wherever he had pointed his Oakenshield, it got doused in his slimy juices.

Bilbo was still clueless at the moment, having been caught off guard and to be honest the blood that should have been in his head was rushing to another part of him, making it harder to think clearly. They'd been in the middle of something private and Gandalf was just being a cranky old fool.

"Leave the hobbit be, I know where the stains came from." Thorin spoke up, watching as Gandalf turned all his angry attention towards him.

"Tell me then, what is it and how did it happen?" Gandalf ground out his words, holding his staff tightly in one of his wrinkled hands.

In his current frame of mind, would Gandalf go berserk once Thorin owned up to doing the dirty deed? The dwarf king didn't want the wizard harming him with magic when he was openly nude, and incredibly vulnerable. . .

"Dain did it." Thorin lied like a pro, receiving a strange look from Bilbo.

"He was angry about Bilbo refusing to bed him, so while the hobbit stayed with me in my quarters, Dain snuck into Bilbo's empty room and made a mess of things." Thorin began to make up his story, it'd be convincing enough, Dain was an honest to goodness ass hole.

"How? What in the name of all that is holy, made this kind of stain?!" The wizard demanded more, eyeing Thorin carefully.

"Semen." Thorin quickly blurted, he noticed Bilbo was catching on, realizing the lie and remembering how things really went down. Thorin gave him a guarded look, wanting the other to back him up if he needed help with Gandalf believing the tale.

"What?" Gandalf spoke hoarsely, his eyes large and disbelieving.

"Dain was angry, so he took his anger out on Bilbo's things, your hat must have got caught in the crossfire." Thorin easily spun his tale, he was quite good at fibbing with a serious face.

"That monster! I'd have kicked him out of this mountain the moment I found out he'd done such an act!" Gandalf howled, "How am I suppose to wear this now that it's been violated?!" He was getting glassy eyed, as he looked down upon his hat as if it had been a rape victim.

"Gandalf, can't you just use magic?" Bilbo finally spoke, the wizard sniffed and huffed, mumbling that he supposed Bilbo had a point.

"Still, magic can't change what happened to my...to my poor hat." He sighed, taking his staff and performing a spell in front of the couple.

"There, it looks much better." Bilbo tried making the wizard feel better.

"It'll never be the same, but it will have to do." Gandalf was pouting as he grudgingly placed the thing upon his head once more.

"Well, if that's all, wizard, we were in the middle of something private." Thorin tapped his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and watching as the wizard lightly blushed before exiting the room. As Thorin shut the doors, locking them just in case, he heard Bilbo chuckling in bed.

"I can't believe he fell for it." The hobbit was shaking his head, as Thorin began to climb upon the bed, towards his awaiting companion.

"What else was I to do? Telling the truth could have gotten terrible results. All I could picture was Gandalf using magic to take away my manhood, and I don't think either of us would appreciate that." Thorin snuggled in close to his giggling Bilbo, kissing the top of his head sweetly.

"True, though you wouldn't have had that worry if you'd been a little nicer and not completely covered all my things with semen." Bilbo raised a brow at Thorin, still a bit put off when remembering that naughty incident.

"From now on, I'll just save all of it for you, little one." Thorin winked, getting Bilbo to blush as he began kissing the hobbit tenderly. "Now, where were we?"

-0-0-

The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: Dain gets the blame for that one! Not that he didn't deserve it, I bet the next time Gandalf see's him, Dain's in for a surprise. A little something for the Misadventure readers out there, while I finish up my long awaited chapter for: Bilbo, You're Worrying Us.