Disclaimer: "I've got a jar of dirt, I've got a jar of dirt. And guess what's inside it!" –Captain Jack Sparrow

A/N: At last we come to the end! Dark Lord, you deserve accolades, accolades I tell you, for your patience in dealing with me and my tardiness. You've had to wait far too long for this story. I hope it was worth the wait.

Nick's birthday, in case anyone wonders, was chosen because I finished this story on May 2nd.

Part V: The One with the Baby

May 2, 2007

"Ahhhhhhhhh!"

"What? What is it? Betsy? Betsy, for the love of Lee, stop screaming and tell me what's wrong!"

"The baby's coming!"

"Is that all?"

"Wade Braddock-Wilson, if you don't get me to the hospital right now –"

"Okay, okay, we're going, come on, lemme get you out of bed…"

000

Betsy and Wade Braddock-Wilson become the proud parents of Nicholas J. Braddock-Wilson at three o'clock in the morning on May 2, 2007. When asked what the "J" stands for, they reply that they don't know.

("We just thought it sounded cool," Wade shrugged. Ororo Munroe looked skeptically at Betsy.

"It's true," the new mother agreed with her husband. "And this way, he can have some choice in what his name is. One day, he can decide for himself what the 'J' stands for."

"We believe in a free-spirit parenting method," Wade added.)

Nick Fury arrives in a flurry of paperwork and gruff, one-eyed, well, fury, only to stop short when faced with the squalling infant nestled in Betsy's arms like a red-faced, fuzzy-headed king.

"That's the baby?" he says incredulously. Betsy looks amused.

"What did you expect?" she asks. "Tentacles?"

"No," Fury retorts, surreptitiously putting a check in the NO box for the "tentacles" space on his paperwork. "But he… he looks so normal," he finishes, somewhat lamely. For Nick Fury.

"Wanna hold him?" Betsy says mischievously. Jean Grey looks somewhat scandalized. Betsy hasn't even let her hold little Nicholas yet, and now she's offering him to Fury?

"Uhhh," Nick says, only to cut off sharply when Wade transfers the little bundle of screeching into his leather-clad arms. The crying stops almost immediately, all of the baby's attention suddenly consumed by the new person holding him. The kid gurgles. Fury sputters.

"His name is Nicholas," Wade says proudly. Fury's head shoots up and he glares.

"What? It is not!"

Wade glares back. "Is too! He's our baby, and we can name him whatever we want!"

"But –"

"Eeeeeek! They're in here, everyone!"

And then the rest of the X-Men descend on the little family.

"Oh my goodness, look at you!" Kitty squeals, bounding over and smiling down at the infant in Nick Fury's arms. "Oh, look at your tiny little hands! You are so precious! Look, Kurt, look, it's little Nick!"

"Whoa!" Betsy looks startled. "Did I tell you guys what we decided to name him?"

"Uhhh…" Kitty and Kurt both look up at each other, guiltily.

"Yeah, sugah, don't you remember?" Rogue saves them smoothly. "You told us last week."

"Oh," Betsy says, scrunching her forehead up in thought. "Guess I forgot that."

"Pregnancy can do that to you," Kitty says earnestly, tearing her attention away from baby Nicholas with obvious effort. "It makes you cranky and forgetful. I read it online."

"I don't think –" Betsy starts, only to be cut off by Remy, who comes bouncing through the door like he's freaking Tigger or something.

"He's here, he's here, he's finally here!" Remy sings out, grinning from ear to ear and leaning over to plant a friendly kiss smack on the lips of the brand new mother. "Congratulations to la petit maman, and to you, mon ami, though you'll forgive Remy if he don't kiss you," he says to Wade, who fakes a mournful frown at the irrepressible young man.

"Can I hold him?" Kitty asks eagerly. Betsy laughs.

"Wait a minute! There's a queue. Poor Jean has had to wait for a while now. She's next. Nick, can you give him to Jean?"

Nick Fury gratefully hands the baby to Jean, who immediately starts cooing over him. Scott looks on with an air of pleased standoffishness. He's glad there's a baby, but that doesn't mean he wants to cuddle it just yet.

"You're all very excited about this," Betsy says to the four X-Men currently vibrating in place.

"What? No we're not," Rogue denies instantly, holding her hands behind her back as if that will hide how very excited she is.

"Uh-huh," Betsy says, unconvinced.

"Hiya, Jimmy!" Wade cheers suddenly, as Logan appears in the doorway, looking even more uncomfortable than Nick Fury. "Come on in and hold the baby!"

Jean pouts a little, but doesn't argue. Logan, surprisingly, doesn't even bother trying to say no. He just reaches out and gathers little Nicholas into his arms, peering down at the tiny face that scrunches itself up tightly against the light.

"Hey, kiddo," he says softly. "I'm your Uncle Jimmy."

Everyone will later pretend that they didn't hear him say that, and Wade will loudly declare to anyone and everyone that he is the one to tell Nicholas that Logan's name is 'Uncle Jimmy.' Logan appreciates this, because he really doesn't know what came over him.

"I want to hold him!" Rogue whispers to Remy in an agonized voice. He wraps an arm around her shoulders comfortingly.

"Soon, chere," he says. "Soon."

000

It is two days before anyone else gets to hold the baby. Betsy and Wade bring him by the Institute and teasingly pretend to speculate over whom to hand him to. Surprisingly, it is Bobby who makes the decision.

"Oh, will you just give him to Kitty already?" he growls. "She's been driving me crazy all week."

Betsy laughs and carefully passes Nicholas into Kitty's arms. Kitty sighs happily and beams down at the solemn-faced child.

"Hi, there, Nick," she says softly. "We're going to have so much fun together." She peeks up at her friends from under her eyelashes and adds, slyly, "I can't wait to teach you all about rom-coms."

Everyone starts laughing, except for Betsy and Wade, who just can't figure out what is so funny about their baby.

000

Kurt gets the first smile. It's sans teeth, but it's no less fierce for the lack. Kurt gloats for days.

000

Wade is there to see Nicholas' first steps, and subsequently, his first fall, which results in a bloody lip that scabs and heals almost instantly. Wade and Nicholas agree not to tell Betsy about that. Well. Wade agrees. Nick just sort of bobs his head and smirks.

000

Logan likes to pick up the baby and swing him around. He never smiles when he does it, which makes for an odd picture: the short, scowling man playing with the giggling baby.

The Professor holds Nicholas on his lap and stares deep into his eyes, nodding occasionally with a very serious expression on his face. At first, Betsy worriedly asks him if there's something wrong with Nicholas. Xavier simply replies, "No, not at all."

"Then why do you look at him so seriously all the time?" she asks.

The Professor smiles kindly at the worried mother. "My dear," he says, "it's only polite to give one's full attention to the person with whom one is having a conversation."

And that is how they discover that Nicholas is a telepath.

000

When Nick is two years old, Remy teaches him to pick pockets. Betsy is not amused.

"Remy!" she scolds. "He doesn't need to learn stuff like that!"

Remy just shrugs complacently. "Maybe. Maybe not. But now he's got a trick to impress the ladies with," he grins.

Betsy pretends to smack him, but she's laughing.

000

Betsy teaches Nick how to fling his toys at Daddy when he comes in at all hours of the night. Nick is very pleased with himself. Wade teaches Nick how to climb out of his crib in revenge. Betsy makes Wade sleep on the couch for three nights.

000

After the year of testing at S.H.I.E.L.D., when Nick is two years old, Betsy drops him off at the Institute for the night, leaving him in Remy's arms with a wink and a telepathic hint of the night she has planned for herself and Wade. Remy retreats into the rec room with a shudder.

"Too much information, femme," he growls. Rogue looks up from her book and gasps in delight.

"For the night?" she says, staring happily up at her little "nephew."

"Yeah," Remy says, setting Nicholas down on the floor to wander as he pleases. "His parents are going to be… busy." Rogue glances up and catches the look on his face.

"Ew," she says. Remy agrees, joining her on the couch. "But that means we get to watch him!" she concludes cheerfully.

Nick takes that opportunity to grasp the corner of a shelf and bring the whole thing crashing down on himself. Gasping, Rogue jumps up and runs over to him, reaching under the pile of books and movies and pulling out the sobbing two year old.

"Ow!" he says tearfully. "Ow, Roguey!"

"Oh," she coos at him. "Where does it hurt?"

"Head," he pouts, pointing. Knowing Nick, it probably doesn't hurt all that much, and certainly didn't do any real damage (thank God for that regeneration mutation; it makes child-proofing so much easier), but he's still upset and a bit shocked. "Kiss it better," he demands suddenly.

"Oh, no, baby, I can't –" she tries, because she's been working on the whole control thing, but it only works the way she wants it to about half of the time, only to cut off in surprise when the insistent toddler bumps his head forward gently and presses against her lips.

Nothing happens.

She breathes a sigh of relief and hears a giggle. Carefully pulling her mouth away from his forehead, Rogue smiles down at Nick and says, "Don't do that again, sugah. I could've knocked ya out."

He giggles even more and says, "Knock out, knock out! Knock m'out, Roguey!"

"You can knock Remy out anytime ya want, chere," Remy murmurs. She spins around to face him. He leans back on the couch and smirks at her. "Anytime," he promises. She blushes fiercely.

000

Laura's first encounter with Nicholas doesn't happen until he is seven years old. She returns to the Institute and is immediately accosted by a wild-eyed child wielding a pair of katana.

"Who goes there?" he yells hysterically. She frowns at him.

"My name is Laura," she says. He pauses.

"You're supposed to say, 'Friend,'" he says.

"Oh," she says back, thinking hard. "But you did not ask 'friend or foe.' You only asked 'who goes there?'"

Shocked at this lack of planning in his own challenge, he lets her pass. She smirks at him a little bit as she goes by.

"It's nice to meet you, Nicholas," she calls over her shoulder as she goes. Nick stares after her.

Did you tell her my name? he asks his inner voice.

Do you listen to yourself think? his inner voice replies long-sufferingly, which doesn't really answer the question, but also sort of does.

000

Wade teaches Nick to shoot. Betsy teaches Nick to read minds. Logan teaches him two kinds of hand-to-hand combat, and Rogue teaches him another five, including how to fight dirty, which he uses gleefully against Logan every chance he gets. Kurt teaches him gymnastics. Remy teaches him how to curse in French, and when Betsy finds out and puts a stop to it, he tries teaching him how to flirt instead. This doesn't work as well.

("Can't we just fight and then make-out?" he asked when he was eleven. Remy sighed.

"Non, gosse. It don't work like that."

Nick shrugged. "Works for Mum and Dad," he said, and then Remy was done with the conversation.)

The other X-Men contribute to Nick's education by collectively compiling a list of "Things Nick Should Not Do" and sitting back to watch gleefully while he attempts every single one of them.

The last item on the list is "Travel Back in Time."

Bobby thinks he's so funny.

000

When Nick is thirteen, his Aunt Kitty suddenly runs through the wall of the kitchen yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Guys," she says, "I can't believe we didn't think of this before!"

"What?" Tante Rogue looks up from her Very Serious Popcorn Popping and frowns. Tonight is Movie Night (also known as Date Night for Wade and Betsy), and so Nick is spending the night and staying up as late as he wants and for that, they must have popcorn, hence the Very Serious Popping of Popcorn.

"I know what we're watching tonight," Aunt Kitty sings out.

"What?!" Kurt asks impatiently.

"Yes, what?" Betsy asks suspiciously from the doorway. Wade peers around her and winks at his son, who grins back.

"Back to the Future!" Kitty declares triumphantly. Everyone freezes for a moment. Betsy's forehead furrows as she tries to decipher just what the corrupting influence Marty McFly will be upon her son. She can't imagine what it could be, but she can definitely tell that anything her friends are this excited about showing to her son will probably be corrupting in some way. Wade just shrugs, already bored with the conversation, and moves toward the door. Remy, Rogue, and Kurt just stare at Kitty in stunned silence.

"Dark Lord of the X-Men," Kurt whispers. "It's brilliant."

"I know right?" Kitty squeals.

"How did we not see it before?"

"I know."

"This is going to be hilarious," Rogue grins, taking the Very Serious Popcorn off the stove with a flourish.

"Okay?" Nick says, glancing from aunt to aunt to uncle to uncle. "Yay for time travel?"

Betsy and Wade seriously can't figure out what the heck is so flipping funny about their kid.

A/N: And, at last, with the final chapter, we come to the premise for the joke in the title of our fic. Did anyone guess it before now, or did you all even realize that there was a joke?

Additional, No-Longer-A-Spoiler Disclaimer: I do not own Tigger. Also, I do not own Back to the Future.

Well, everyone, I've had an enormous amount of fun. If you liked Nick/Laura, stay tuned, because I've got a one-shot coming up. (With Dark Lord's permission, of course.)

See you in the archives, mutants.