Based off of a Fic called ways to get kicked out of the Survey Corps. Better than this shit.
1. Do NOT call Heichou Levi short.
Connie and Sasha were eventually found, alive, albeit bound together with handcuffs and dangling over the side of Wall Rose.
2: Do NOT tell Petra that Levi returns her feelings.
The sexual screams (Levi) and Moans (Petra) were heard through out the HQ. When seen again, Levi was rocking back and forth saying "So painful yet. . .so pleasurable" while Petra sat on the bed with a shit eating grin on her face.
3. Do NOT tie Eren to Mikasa's bed, naked.
"Mikasa, what are you doing? Untie me! Wait. . .Are you. . no wait, that doesn't go there! HEY HE-mmff" was all that was heard from Eren, other than sexual moans.
4: Do NOT tell Hanji that Eren has begun a 'Mating Season'.
Hanji flipped out, grabbed her note book and ran to Eren's room, kicked the door open, only to find that he was doing less than decent things with Mikasa. She then cried " Its true!" before having a massive nosebleed and passing out on the floor.
5: Do NOT tell Eren that the secrets of the destruction of the Titans are hidden in Mikasa's pants.
His reaction was that he had already checked, many times, including on a training run on the 3DMG if you get my meaning.
6: Do NOT say 'Thats what she said!' after every sentence you hear.
At first it was relatively funny, but after 3 days, lets just say Connie got what was coming for him.
7: Do NOT lock the food stores and then tell Sasha that the only food is in Connie's pants.
Her reaction was this: "There is no food in his pants! There is a drink though" she said with a slight smirk. "That's what she said!" Connie yelled from across to room before getting drop kicked by Mikasa. "I swear to Hajime, next time you say that, I won't stop Sasha from draining you!" she yelled at him. "Oh god no, I swear, I'll stop!" he yelled, fear in his eyes. "What do they mean by draining?" Petra asked. "You don't want to know" Connie replied.
8: Do NOT replace all the blades with rubber swords.
As training commenced and the members of the Spec. Ops. Team + the 104th Trainees group survivors were swooping through the trees on their 3DMG, Levi spotted one of the Training Titans. He found this entire exercise stupid, but he wanted to keep his form up. So he did his signature Wheel of Doom attack, only to have the rubber blade bounce back up and hit him in the face.
9: Do NOT call Armin Shota Bait.
Surprisingly, when Jean did this, Armin kicked him in the balls, knee kicked him in the face while was bent over then kidney punched him. "Don't say that to me again Horse face" was all he said before walking away muttering curse words all the way back to the barracks.
10: Do NOT tell Sasha that there is no food left.
Eren's screams were heard as Sasha ripped off his left butt cheek and cooked it before eating it. Luckily, It grew back in 10 minutes. Mikasa nearly cut Sasha a new hole before the next food shipment arrived.
*A man with Blood Red Eyes appears with his hood up*
"Well Hello my fans! I am Erik Grave's projection of his personality! He just wanted to say that he hope you enjoyed it and to RnR! That is about it! bye!" he said before dissappting into black rose petals.
Mikasa: I'm a badass. . .but I can't do that. Well shit. . .*starts researching a way to turn her body into black rose petals*
Me: Erm, Mikasa, you can't. I can only do it since I ain't human.