Episode 19 - The Price of the Name

They're called BattleMechs. Walking tanks, essentially. Typically between twenty and a hundred tons in mass and the offspring of peaceful 'Mech machines used for civilian work. It seems to be a habit of Humanity to take their plowshares and turn them into weapons.

In this case, it was a war machine powered by an internal fusion engine, using the pilot's sense of balance tied into an internal gyro to keep the machine stable. More fussy than a tank, but it had more surface area for mounting weaponry and it had greater versatility. This one had the emblem of a Wolf's head. It's pilot was a man named Dalk Carns. He was a vicious man. A "Loremaster" who believed his people had the right to conquer and to rule. Naturally he and his fellow warriors, all genetically engineered, would be at the top.

Funny thing about fusion engines. You tweak here, run the sonic screwdriver there, and...

Carns probably had some warning. He may have even tried to eject. But he would not be able to.

The machine exploded in a blinding white fireball, claiming Dalk Carns with it.

Dalk Carns. The man who would have, with a moment's inspiration, dethroned Ulric Kerensky of his place as ilKhan of the Clans, all in an effort to repudiate a truce bargained in good faith. By his removal, I prevented the Refusal War. I saved the lives of Ulric and Natasha Kerensky. I prevented the rise of Vlad Ward.

Ah, Vlad. I had to admit some grudging respect for the man. But he was a threat to the peace of the Inner Sphere. And I would crush him as swiftly as I crushed Thomas Marik, if I were made to do so.

"One threat down, so many to go," I murmured as I stepped into the TARDIS. I felt giddy and excited. Liberation from my fears had proven a wonder to my spirit. I would fix this nasty little cosmos, just as I was fixing so many others. "I suppose Kali Liao should be next," I murmured to myself. The vicious woman thought she was the incarnation of the Hindu god she was named for. I would show her what real power was.

I twisted some dials on the TARDIS, set new coordinates, and hit the activation lever.

When I stepped out of the TARDIS, I wasn't at my intended destination. I recognized the prefab housing as Federation standard. People ran about, screaming. Federation colonists. Some of their colony was on fire.

I had a sneaking suspicion of where I was. Or at least a when.

It was confirmed when I turned my head and saw Jem'Hadar chasing a couple through the street. A Human man and a half-Vulcan man, it looked like. A couple, given their body language and their clasped hands. The Jem'Hadar raised their weapons.

I was faster. With a burst from the sonic disruptor they went flying.

I took more steps. I came upon a dead Bolian man at my feet. His vacant eyes stared up, presumably last seeing the being responsible for the black scorch over his heart. A few yards down the way an adolescent Tellarite was half-conscious from a shot to the side of the torso and hip. I scanned the child. Too much damage. She was going to die.

Cold fury filled me. I brought out my sonics and stalked through the streets. It appeared this area was already worked over. I had come too late.

I heard a scream, a cry for help. I looked to a burning building and saw the child in a window. I could make out Bajoran ridges on her nose. She cried out for help again.

I ran into the entrance. With Setting 4-HD I put out the flames, the result of an electrical fire caused by energy weapons, and made my way to the bedroom where the child had huddled. She coughed violently and stayed beside two scorched bodies. The man was a Human, the woman a Bajoran. Her parents. She wept over their bodies.

I had just reached her when noise came from the opening. Voices, Cardassian ones, murmured and spoke. Their purpose was clear.

Looters.

I snarled and I emerged from the bedroom and into the living area. I found the Cardassian soldiers, led by a gray-haired veteran, looking through the meager surviving property of the butchered family. I brought the sonic screwdriver up and disabled their guns with a single press of the button. They were forced to drop or throw away their sparking phasers as my sonic whirred in anger toward them. "What in the...?!"

The veteran of the group looked at me. His eyes grew wide. "You," he rasped.

I looked into the face. With the memory recall of a Time Lord I managed to place it, after accounting for thirty or so years of course. "Singha," I said simply. I remembered the face, you see. He had been among the Cardassians I sent fleeing when I'd rescued little Kira Nerys from the cave in the camp.

"It's the Doctor!", the man shouted to his subordinates. "Run! Run you fools! Run!"

My pride, my ego, swelled in my chest as the Cardassians did just that. They fled. I had acquired quite the reputation with them, after all.

After they fled I looked back to the little girl. She looked at me with sad and angry eyes. "You're the Doctor?", she asked.

"I am," I answered.

She started crying. "Why? Why didn't you make them stay away! They killed my Mommy and Daddy! They're killing my friends! Why?!"

"Shh..." I took the little girl into my arms and carried her away from the broken remains of her parents. I took her to the TARDIS to be safe. And then I went to work.

By that time there wasn't much left. Just helping the dying. This was the Lopash Colony on Malakar II. A colony of ten thousand farmers and service workers, reduced to half of that by a raid of Jem'Hadar and Cardassian forces. After the lull following the retaking of Deep Space Nine, the Dominion War was raging again.

I should have stopped it. I shouldn't have let it get this far.

I left the little girl with a surviving adult cousin and went to the TARDIS to think. How could I stop the war? The possibilities were vast. Sabotage their ships? Destroy the Jem'Hadar birthing facilities? So many ways I could cripple them.

But none seemed fast enough. It would take time. It could be undone. If I were to jolt them out of the war, to utterly remove the ability of the Dominion and their Cardassian servants to wage their war, I needed to hit them with a knockout blow. Something big. Something...

Ah ha. Of course. I smiled thinly and went into my databanks. Long ago I'd stolen a lot of material from Cardassian Central Command. I'd done it in order to undermine their occupation of Bajor. But there had been more material than just Bajor. I began investigating it to double check. One of their options on a final "solution" to the Bajoran Resistance. A weapon they had sought to use later against the Maquis.

I found the relevant materials. I shifted the TARDIS elsewhere into Cardassian space, just to check. They might have moved it,, after all. For whatever reason. I finished double-checking the stealth measures and rushed to the TARDIS door to look out into space and near-orbit of a Cardassian-owned moon. They called it Parakar. It provided needed raw materials and fuel for a special project.

And I could see that project was still active.

I did some scans and saw it would be tricky to get in and do what I needed. Not if I wanted to accomplish my goal. I would need help. I'd need someone I knew could watch my back.

And I knew just who to get.

I materialized the TARDIS just outside the door and hit the door chime. I waited quietly, patiently, until the door was answered.

"Yes..." The occupant looked up at me. She was in a white sleeveless garment and red pants. Obviously ending her work day. She looked at me and a small smile came to her face. "Doctor?"

"Hello, Nerys," I said, smiling at her. "Do you have some time?"

"Well..." She nodded. "It was a short duty day today anyway. Sure. What do you need?"

"Your help," I replied.

"With what?', Nerys asked.

"Something you'll appreciate," I answered. My eyes twinkled. "We're going to beat the Dominion."

Nerys stepped into the TARDIS in her full uniform and carrying a phaser rifle and bag of equipment. I was standing at the TARDIS controls monitoring switches. "Why not talk to Sisko? I mean, an entire security team would..."

"...would be too much. Wasteful," I replied. "And unwieldly. We're going into a secure Cardassian facility and surprise will be a bigger ally than numbers." I twisted a dial to the right position.

"Okay." Nerys set the bag down and looked around. "Where's Katherine?"

I stopped. For a moment it felt like knives pushed into my hearts. I tried to keep my face neutral but Nerys knew me well enough. She lowered her head. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I didn't realize..."

"I don't advertise it," I said. "It was a bomb, if you must know. Set by assassins sent by her mother's political rivals. We never saw it coming."

Nerys swallowed. "I know she meant a lot to you."

"Yes." My voice was hoarse with grief. "Well, have to move on. Work to do. Lots of work."

I noticed her looking at me with confusion. "Are you okay?", she asked. "You look a little..."

I cut her off, insisting, "I'm fine, Nerys. I've just been busy. Keeping busy, it's what I do now."

"Really?" There was sadness in her voice. "I remember when you used to talk about going places and exploring. Not like a Starfleet officer angling for a promotion."

"I suppose things change. I realized I should be doing more." I shook my head. "Hard to enjoy exploring when you realize so many people are suffering."

"Or when you're alone," Nerys added.

I nodded quietly. She was right about that. I loved exploring with others, seeing new things or even revisiting places with people to introduce them. My mind flittered to when I first showed Katherine Jeli, and the Lapari Rings, and...

"Well, maybe as a celebration afterward," I said. "I suppose we could visit somewhere after we're done. A sight you'd like to see."

"Maybe." Nerys breathed in. "Well, where are we headed?"

"Parakar," I answered, taking the TARDIS activation lever. "Tally ho!"

The TARDIS materialized in a cargo bay, surrounded by crates. Nerys had her bag slung over her back and her phaser rifle on her shoulder. I had the sonics in my hands and ready. I waved the sonic screwdriver around a cylindrical device. "Ketracel White container," I remarked. "There are Jem'Hadar here. And a Vorta." I looked around the interior and spied a control panel. I went over to it and started using the sonic on it. The control panel faded out and re-appeared, reprogrammed to let me check the station's systems. "It's going to take me a little bit to get into their systems from here," I said.

Nerys readied the phaser. "Right." She took cover at a crate facing the main entrances. "Are you sure you don't want reinforcements?"

"Better this way. We'll get them with finesse." I kept the sonic on the controls. The computers were still Cardassian, but the software was increasingly Dominion. It was rather trickier to deal with, befitting their paranoia.

As I was working I heard the door slide open. I looked back in time to see a lone Cardassian enter. He managed two steps due to staring at his PADD before he brought his head up and saw us. Panic showed in his eyes and he grappled for his communicator.

A single light brown energy beam struck his chest, knocking him out. Nerys' shot was perfect. "They had to see that on internal sensors," she noted.

"I killed the sensor readouts in here," I answered. "When we arrived. He was probably sent to check them. We should have a few more minutes."

"What are you doing?", Nerys asked me as she went up, her rifle still ready, and used her free hand to grab the unconscious Cardassian and drag him over to us.

"Taking over internal security functions," I answered. "Anti-intrusion measures."

"Even without them, we're going to be outnumbered." Nerys restrained the Cardassian tech and swung her phaser rifle back up. Even years of time on DS9 hadn't changed the intristic fact that she was a fighter. It was why I picked her up.

"Who said anything about removing them?", I asked. "I'm simply reprogramming them."

Nerys gave me a startled look. "Doctor, the Cardassian anti-intrusion methods involve phaser turrets. They vaporize people."

"I know," I answered. "But I don't intend to have them shot, I just need them to evacuate Ops and a few choice areas. If I buy us half an hour we can do our business and get clear."

"Still..." A look came across her face. I didn't pay much attention to it. I wanted to get this work done and get out. "Oh. Setting it to stun?"

The truth was, I hadn't even considered that. But hearing her bring it up made me consider it. It did seem the right thing to do. Yes, probably for the best. "Of course," I answered a split second later. "And for my next trick..."

I activated the anti-intrusion measures remotely and looked at one of the screens I set up to show the station's Ops center. Cardassian personnel went running for cover as phasers materialized in the replicator and started firing on them. One went down, stunned to unconsciousness, before she could get to cover. The others retreated steadily back toward the doors leading out. But it blocked them with a forcefield and wouldn't let them out, allowing the anti-intrusion weapons to target them one by one. I took remote control of it to materialize new ones to cover multiple angles, preventing them from taking effective cover. In a few minutes the entire bridge crew was stunned.

So far so good.

I turned on the measures in reactor control and a couple other strategic spots as well. Cardassians fled. Jem'Hadar proved more likely to try and take out the phasers, but the anti-intrusion systems simply replaced them. Still... "I'm taking remote transporter control next," I announced. "I want to get rid of our horned friends."

Nerys didn't say anything to that, but I could see she had a worried look on her face. She could sense something was different about me and it was unsettling her. Well, it wouldn't for long. I would explain to her once we were in Ops.

I took control of the transporters and whisked the Jem'Hadar and their Vorta officers planetside as quickly as I could. "And there," I said. "Let's get back into the TARDIS."

The anti-intrusion systems had been shut down by my command when the TARDIS materialized into Ops. Here it was a single level, not at all like DS9's. There was no lift but doors, which led out to this deck and various offices and other facilities. I stepped over a stunned Cardassian and went to a station. I unlocked it with a single movement of the sonic screwdriver. "Alright then," I murmured.

Nerys moved to another station. "It looks like they're trying to get into the station armory."

"It'll take them some time, I scrambled all of the passcodes," I answered. "And I disabled the biometrics scanner just to make sure." I hit several keys as I began to put my plans into motion. I put in new commands, loaded information, and checked systems as needed.

"How are you going to end the war with this facility?" Nerys was keeping an eye on the internal sensors.

"By turning their own weapons against them," I answered.

"What weapons?", Nerys asked.

I didn't answer right away, since I was busy adding information. Nerys looked away from her station and went to the main monitor, which she turned on to show the external view. I heard a gasp come from her throat. "Those are..."

THe viewscreen showed one of the many construction arms of the station. Inside each module was a completed system, ready to be fueled and if need be launched. The Cardassians had given the system in question the rather bland name of ATR-4107.

An acquaintane of mine, B'Elanna Torres, had decided on a different name. "Dreadnought".

"You've heard of them, I see," I answered. "The Cardassians considered using them back in the Occupation, but believed it would reveal their existence to the Federation. And they wanted them for a pre-emptive strike. One that never came." I hit several keys. "Each one has fuel capacity for a thousand kilograms of anti-matter and a matching amount of reactant mass of normal matter. They're well-armored and shielded, they have their own defensive weapons including... ah yes, Cardassian reverse-engineered quantum torpedoes. Not a lot of cruising range, mind you, so they can't replace starships. But they're not meant to."

"And you think that destroying these will knock the Dominion out of the war?" Nerys looked skeptical.

I looked at her. "Ha. Of course not. That wouldn't do anything." I hit one last key. Icons started flashing on screens in Ops. Including a timer using Cardassian characters. "Which is why I'm not going to destroy them. Well, not directly. They'll be gone when we're through."

Nerys paled. "Doctor... what are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious, Nerys?" I double-checked my screens. Good, everything was right. "Parakar is in the heart of Cardassian territory. Nearly every major shipyard, every Jem'Hadar breeding facility, almost their entire ketracell white processing capacity, weapons factories and assembly planets, they're all in range of these weapons. With one move the Dominion's ability to make war in the Alpha Quadrant will be gutted." I smiled triumphantly.

For several seconds Nerys was silent. Totally and utterly silent. She looked at me with disbelief and I felt what seemed to be growing apprehension, bewilderment, even... fear. "Doctor." Her voice was low and silent. "Those weapons will kill millions."

I looked to her, keeping my expression neutral. "They're going to die anyway," I informed her. "But this way, they won't take millions of innocent people with them."

It all made perfect sense to me at that time. Sacrifice some - and the aggressors at that - to save the greater number. Punish the Cardassian aggression, the arrogance, that had led them to embrace the Dominion.

And it wasn't even a case of immediate necessity. It was brutal, simple expediency. It was I, the Time Lord Triumphant, exercising my will to destroy on a massive scale, to punish as I saw fit, to change the course of this timeline.

How could I have fallen so low? How could I have become so arrogant? So callous?

I had taken the name of the Doctor to do good. But, as I had been warned, that wasn't the end of it. In becoming the Doctor, I had taken up his dark side too. And I had given it free reign.

And now here I teetered, ready to do an act that would forever condemn me, because of that.

Do not think I am defending my conduct. I am not. I was wrong. So terribly wrong. But I didn't see it at the time. I was blinded by arrogance, ego, hubris... you name it, I probably had it.

This is when I paid the price for my presumption in taking the Doctor's name.

This is when I reached my lowest point.

I said nothing more to Nerys, who remained staring in shock as I hit the final key. Anti-matter fuel and reactant began pumping into the dreadnought missiles. In minutes, they would be on their way. And I would become the very thing I had fought so hard against in my travels.

A monster.

I looked at the timer and double-checked the security systems. The anti-intrusion operations were keeping the crew out of our area and bottled up in non-essential areas of the station. They wouldn't be able to interfere with the launch.

So far, so good.

"How could you even think about something like that?"

I turned to face Nerys. She'd paled and was looking at me with disbelief and horror. "How could you... why are you doing this?", she asked.

"Because that's what they planned to do," I replied.

"You mean Dukat and Damar and the Changelings are," she pointed out testily.

"And they're going along with it." I pointed a finger away from Ops. "They're not innocent, Nerys. How many of them have committed their own crimes in 'service to the State'? How many enriched themselves and their families on the blood and bones of Bajorans and Humans and other species their government marked for conquest? They made their choice, Nerys! They made it, and because of that they're going to die regardless. But why should I let them take millions upon millions of innocent Federation citizens with them?"

"You know that not all Cardassians are bad," she countered. "There are innocent people out there! And you're talking about killing them."

"As I said. They're going to die anyway. The Dominion turns on them in the end," I said, my voice harsh. "What makes this any worse?"

Nerys stared at me, her mouth hung open mutely for a moment. "You really don't know?"

"Enlighten me," I demanded coldly while working on the station.

She shook her head. "Because... it's you doing it," she finally answered.

I stopped and looked at her. Tears were forming in her eyes. "Nerys?"

"You're better than this," Nerys said, her face telling me how much I was breaking her heart. "What happened to you? What happened to the kind man who saved me when I was a child? What happened to the man who talked to me about finding a better way?!"

I opened my mouth to speak and stopped. I forced in a breath and grit my teeth together. "Maybe I realized that I was wrong," I rasped, my hearts in pain. Seeing her reaction made me... confused. I was angry. Bewildered. "Maybe you were right about them from the beginning. How many lives would I have saved if I had crushed the Cardassians when you asked me?"

"No." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "You weren't wrong."

"If I had stopped Ryan Steiner years ago, Katherine would still be alive," I said. "I'm doing this to make this timeline better, Nerys. I'm becoming more involved. Just as you asked me to when you were younger."

Nerys shook her head stiffly at that. "No. No, I didn't mean for you to... to become this. You're talking about killing millions, Doctor. That's... that's not who you are. I never wanted..."

"Your part is done. You can wait in the TARDIS until I'm done," I said brusquely. I looked away from her and kept my eye on the security systems and the launch controls.

She didn't understand. She didn't. She couldn't. This was... this was for her. For her and for that poor orphan I'd seen in the Lopash Colony and for every person, every family, that would still suffer in this war. I would end it here and now. It was better this way.

I'd... not done something of this magnitude yet. I was going to kill millions. Many were fated to die already. Some, maybe not. But then again, some who would have died wouldn't in this changed timeline. It would be for the better.

Yes. That's right. It would come out for the better, in the end. She would understand. And then I would move on. I would throw Unalaq into the Source Wall, I'd destroy the Red Court, I'd finish off the Sith. I would make things better.

I was so wrapped up in my work that I didn't notice Nerys was gone before the warning lights came on. I checked the readings. "What...?" My hearts skipped at seeing the results. Someone had manually reversed the fueling process, prompting the launch timer to stall. The fuel for the dreadnought missiles was being drawn back into the station at high speed. My hands scrambled to the security system control and brought up the image from within the fuel bunker control. I watched for a moment. "No. Dammit!"

Nerys was in the control room. I went back to the controls and tried to lock her out... just to find she had cut the network lines to prevent remote access to the fueling systems. "Nerys!", I shouted in anger, rushing to the TARDIS to shift it into the bunker control to stop her. I set the space-time coordinates in a second and pulled the TARDIS lever.

Nothing happened.

My expression twisted with disbelief. I reset the coordinates and tried again.

Still nothing.

"Not now, not now," I murmured angrily. "Work! WORK!"

I kept pulling the lever. I tried every trick in the book. But the TARDIS refused to move.

Exasperated, I ran out of it and into the halls. Fuel bunker control was close enough, just one level down and two sections over. I closed the distance swiftly and pulled my sonic screwdriver out as I made it to the bunker door. It was a windowed door that let me see inside. I looked through the port and saw Nerys firing into the control stations, disabling them. "Nerys!", I shouted. "Stop it!" I hit the door control just to have it bleep a negative response back at me.

"No," she answered, shooting out another station. When she turned to look at me I could see the tears streaking down her cheeks. "I'm not letting you do this."

"It's the only way to stop the war quickly!", I insisted. I ran the sonic screwdriver over the access port to remotely trigger the door to slide open. But it still wouldn't. A quick scan showed me she'd physically sealed it from the other end. The seal had to be undone from the inside.

She stopped shooting things and turned back to face me. Nerys shook her head. "This isn't you," she insisted. "I don't know what happened but... this isn't who you are. You're better than this."

"Nerys, sometimes bad things have to be done!" My voice felt hoarse as I said that, like I almost didn't. The words didn't feel right to me. "Sometimes the hard decision has to be made!"

"I know what that's like." Nerys shook her head. "It was what I had to do. And I've spent years regretting so many of them. You'd do the same. Doctor, how could you live with yourself knowing that you killed millions of people? It's not going to matter how justified you feel now or what you accomplished in the end. Because you'll still have to live with that decision. And what would that do to you?"

I stopped, just for a moment. What, indeed, would that do? How much might I come to regret something like that? Looking back, I know that the regret, the guilt, would have crushed me. It was already going to be terrible enough, living with the burden of what I had become. What I had almost done.

Nerys stepped up to the door and looked through the transparent aluminium at me. I could see the tears flowing from her eyes, not just tears of pain at what she saw me as. Her own regret was there. I'd seen it before. The Occupation had left its scar on Nerys' soul, a terrible mark that had left her with a legacy of pain.

My thoughts flashed back to an early decision I made, a decision I hated. In my thoughts I heard a little girl say "I want to stay". And I heard myself refuse her.

I heard myself condemn an eight year old girl to a life of pain, terror, and regret. All because I believed I knew better on what she would become.

"I should have said yes," I murmured lowly. Not so lowly that she couldn't hear me through the door. "I shouldn't have said no to you as a child, Nerys. I'm sorry." As I said this, I felt the tears build in my eyes.

Nerys answered me with a sad smile. "I forgave you a long time ago," she answered softly.

"Nerys, so many people are going to suffer in this war," I said. "I can end it today."

She shook her head. "I can't let you. Not this way, Doctor."

"Nerys, I'm willing to make the sacrifice," I said. "I'll live with the guilt."

"No."

"Dammit!" With frustrated I slammed my fists on the door. "Dammit Nerys!"

"Why aren't you coming in with your TARDIS?", Nerys asked. The question was like a dagger into one of my hearts. "It's because it, she, won't let you, isn't it?"

I stopped in mid shout. I... I hadn't thought of it that way.

"See? It's not just me."

"I'm making things better!," I screamed. "I won't repeat the mistakes that cost me..."

Nerys interrupted me at that point. "Katherine would be horrified to see you now," Nerys pointed out. "You were her hero. And now look at you."

"I could have saved her if I'd been bolder," I cried. "I could have..."

There was a loud bang from within the bunker. The wall further down exploded outward and a fine mist began to enter the room. I held the sonic out, but I didn't need it to confirm what it was the visible sign of. "Oh no... no no no!", I shouted. "Nerys! Nerys, you have to open the door, now!"

She looked from the mist and back to me. "I can't," she said. "I'm sorry, but I won't risk it."

"You don't understand!", i shouted back. "Nerys, you overtaxed the fueling systems! They're rupturing! The containment systems are failing! That entire room is getting irradiated!"

A look came over her face. She looked down at her tricorder and waved it at the mist. I saw her smile sadly. "Yeah. The radiation's building up. It's going to start killing me in a minute or two."

"Open the door!"

"No."

Tears were starting to flow down my face freely. "Nerys, please! Open the bloody door!"

Her voice quavered a little. But she shook her head. "I have to make sure you don't launch those missiles."

"But you'll die!", I protested, unable to stop myself from weeping in horror.

Nerys swallowed and nodded. Her breathing was picking up a little. The mist was already reaching her, which meant the radiation was already effecting her. It was already starting to destroy her body. Horror gripped my hearts at that sight. Horror... and guilt.

This was my fault.

"Nerys, I'm begging you. Please, please open the door! You can't die here!"

She sucked in a breath, steeling herself. "When I was a little girl, you saved my life," she said simply. "And when I was a young woman, you showed me that there was a better way. You... had such light to you, Doctor. You were kind, you were compassionate, and you hated suffering. All you wanted to do was to save people, even the bad ones." Nerys slumped a little against the door. "And I know that's what you still are. I have faith in you. I can't let that... get..." She coughed. Blood started trickling from her right nostril and her mouth. "...it would destroy you if you launched those missiles. I won't let that happen. I'll die to stop it."

"Nerys, the radiation is killing you, please open the door!"

"...can't let you fall," she rasped, her breathing growing more labored. "I have faith... you'll find the better... way." Her coughing grew in violence. Blood splattered against the window. "You always... do..."

Panic consumed me. I watched Nerys lapse into seeming unconsciousness as the radiation savagely attacked her, destroying her body moment by moment. "Nerys! Open the door! You've got to open the door! Nerys, PLEASE! I'll cancel the launch, I promise, just open the door!"

She wasn't as unconscious as she appeared. A small smile curled over her face. "Rule Number One," she exhaled weakly. "The Doctor... Lies..."

"NERYS!"

New thoughts consumed me, blasting away the irritation I had felt as the Time Lord Triumphant having my grand plans stymied. Nerys was dying in front of me, because of what I had chosen to do.

No. No, that would demean what she was doing. This was her choice. Brought on by me. Brought on by my arrogance, my ego. But still her choice.

The truth was, Kira Nerys was choosing to die for me. To save me. To save not my life but my very soul.
"What have I done?", I whimpered through the tears that clouded my vision. "What have I become?"

Another spurt of blood came as Nerys coughed again. The sight jolted me into action. I... I had to save her. The dosage may not be lethal yet...!

I jumped to my feet and ran as fast as I could. Faster than ever before. Tears still streamed from my eyes as I raced up the utility ladder to the higher deck and my lungs hurt and my legs burned as I pushed them even faster. I was almost out of breath when I got back to the Ops command. I rushed toward the TARDIS and brought my sonic up in the same motion. With a press of a button I shut down the launch sequence for the missiles. I hit the button again a moment later. The timer reset to a new time and started counting down. A count down to the automatic destruct order for all of the missiles.

By the time it started I was already through the TARDIS doors. "We've got to save Nerys! Please!," I begged, going to the controls and checking the coordinates in the quickest moment I could manage. I yanked back on the TARDIS control.

This time she heeded my call. VWORP VWORP VWORP.

I threw open the door and stepped out into the roiling yellow mists. The radiation was... nasty, yes. But not quite as dangerous to me as it was to other species.. Time Lord resilience. I couldn't set up to read a book safely, but rushing over to lift Nerys into my arms and carry her into the TARDIS and her protective fields was easily-done. I set Nerys down on the control center floor and went to the TARDIS to shift us into the Vortex and away from the imminent destruction of Parakar. As soon as that was accomplished I grabbed my medical kit and got on my knees beside Nerys. She was unconscious,, mercifully so. From the scans the radiation had inflicted severe damage to several organs.

I used the medigel. I used the regeneratives. I used a micro-singularity radiation absorber to reduce the radiation in her body and her clothing to minimal levels. I did everything I could.

But it wasn't working. I couldn't get her condition to stabilize.

Nerys was dying.

She was dying and it was all my fault.

I sat there for a moment, my mind racing. Options went through my head. Places I could take her that might heal her. But none seemed guaranteed. And I couldn't lose her. I couldn't survive that.

This was what the Time Lord Triumphant had brought me. Someone I cared for was dying. Someone who cared for me, so greatly she was ready to lay down her life to save me from myself, all from my bad decisions.

All because I thought I knew better.

I thought of all the warnings I'd been given. Every voice telling me that I shouldn't have assumed the name of the Doctor. That it would change my nature, that it would cause me to do things I wouldn't want to do. I had ignored it. I had become the Doctor, convinced it was the right thing, that I would be a force for good. I'd forgotten that the Doctor was a flawed being, quite capable of terrible things.

I had forgotten to my regret.

And now, now I was paying the price.

Not just me.

I looked down at Nerys and drew in a breath. I knew of one way to save her. One guaranteed method to heal her body enough to make sure she lived.

Perhaps I would have found other alternatives if I had thought on it more. But at this point, I didn't want to.

I took her phaser from her hand and double-checked the settings. Assured of them, I twisted the weapon until the emitter was against my right heart.

And I pulled the trigger.

Heat and agony flared in my chest. My right heart stopped completely, critically damaged, and my right lung took enough damage from the spreading energy to make breathing terrible. Every breath felt like I was getting stabbed. I cried out in pain and toppled over beside the TARDIS control.

The deed was done. Now all I had to do was regenerate and pour some of the energy into Nerys. She would be saved. And I...

...I would regenerate this time. There was no avoiding it. This wasn't like the Crucible; there I had poured the entire regeneration into a waiting receptacle. There was no such receptacle here. Nerys would be healed with just a fraction of the energy.

I wondered what it would be like. Was it really like dying, like having a new being take up my life? I would still have my memories of this life, but I'd be someone new.

Hopefully someone wiser.

I began reconciling myself to the idea of the change. My last regeneration had been in the midst of confusion and terror and pain. Maybe this one... maybe it would be better. Maybe I wouldn't make the same mistakes in my new form. Maybe he'd be wiser. More worthy of the mantle I'd taken on. More worthy of the Name of the Doctor.

I smiled. Yes. That made sense. I'd make sure of it, too. The Time Lord Triumphant died here. Someone new would take his place and do better.

Who knew, maybe I'd even be ginger.

The pain increased. The damage had spread to the left side of my torso when I shot myself; with my right heart and lungs crippled the strain was too much for them. It was killing me. All I had to do was accept the pain and wait for the pins and needles. Then it would be over and I'd have a new beginning.

It was several minutes before I realized something was wrong.

My vision blurred. My head was swimming from pain. But my body... I didn't feel the pins and needles. Why wasn't I regenerating? I couldn't last much longer.

A terrible thought crossed my mind. If something happened to me, if I fell unconscious, Nerys would die. She didn't have a lot of time left, just the half hour or so I'd bought her.

I twisted and went to the TARDIS controls. If I could get to them, to the telepathic circuit, maybe I could get us to help. Just in case. Just in case...

That was when I heard the footfall.

I shouldn't have. It was deathly silent against the surface of the TARDIS. I got the feeling I had been allowed to hear it. I twisted around again and looked to the TARDIS door. It was closed. But a figure had come through it anyway. I looked up, stunned and frightened, as the interloper stepped over Nerys and up to me.

I looked up into two pinpricks of blue light. "How?", I asked in a weak voice.

I TOLD YOU I WOULD SEE YOU AGAIN SOMETIME.

Death towered over me. Even at my full height we saw eye to eye, and I had to raise my head to accomplish that. But I was prone and it made him all the more imposing. He held his scythe crooked in one arm. With the other he pulled two objects out of his black robes.

Lifetimers.

One was... well, it looked almost standard. But the aesthetic of the design and the characters were not Human. I could still read them of course: KIRA NERYS.

The other was... substantially larger. Taller, actually. Instead of just two halves in a standard hourglass shape, it had thirteen segments. I thought I could see extremely faded lettering at the bottom, including the remnants of what was once an "E". But it had been overlaid with fine script.

Gallifreyan script.

My jaw dropped open. It was my lifetimer.

I looked at it more intently and bit down a curse. I couldn't do the same to my horror.

Only the bottom two segments had sand in them.

And, like Nerys', the upper segment was almost out of sand.

I realized immediately what that meant. Fool I was, stupid self-hating fool... I'd killed myself. I'd killed myself and killed Nerys too.

I was out of regenerations.

I writhed on the floor of the TARDIS. I felt shock, terror, and pain in equal measure. My mind kept flashing back to the Citadel. Had I really channeled all of my regenerations? I couldn't recall how long I was pushing the energy into the beam for the Crucible.

"I'm really dying," I murmured.

YES.

"And Nerys..." I looked over to where she lay unconscious. Blood was still smeared on her face from what the radiation did to her. "...just let me save her. She shouldn't..."

Death's head moved slightly. YOU KNOW THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.

"No... no!" I tried to get up. One of my hearts was stilled. The other was severely damaged. It took every bit of energy I could muster to pull myself up on the TARDIS control. "It's my fault," I said. "It's all my fault. She... she shouldn't die for my mistakes!" I sucked in a breath of pure fire and felt my face contort from the pain. "I only wanted to make things better."

Death nodded. YES. THERE ARE MANY WHO HAVE SAID THAT. SOME WERE HEROES. SOME WERE MONSTERS. AND SOME WERE BOTH.

Tears were rolling down my face. Warnings from beings I had met before echoed in my mind. Warnings about the name I was taking. Warnings I had ignored.

I took the name of the Doctor because I wanted to do good. Without my old mind and memories sealed away, that name became all I had. I became the Doctor in almost every respect. But I had ignored the warnings I'd been given about where it could lead. And now it had led me here.

Death was right. Nobody was the villain in their own mind, and many horrible things had been done by someone saying "I only wanted to make things better". And I had walked down that path without pausing to think.

And it had nearly cost me my soul.

It would have, if I had not been saved by a friend. Nerys had offered her life to save me from myself and my bad decisions. She had faith I was better than what I had become. She had been willing to die for that faith.

And now I'd failed her in that too.

"I can challenge you," I said. "I know the rules for that."

YES. FOR YOURSELF. OR FOR HER. Death looked over to Nerys' unconscious form. YOU MAY CHOOSE WHICHEVER...

Death paused. His head turned to face the lifetimers hanging in the air. My eyes tracked his until I was looking at them too.

There was a flickering in the lifetimers. One moment the sands were almost out, the next the sands were rather more plentiful. And then almost out again. And then back to that medium level. Back and forth, back and forth.

HOW INTERESTING. Death looked at them with curiosity. AH. I BELIEVE I UNDERSTAND.

"Leave."

The young voice sounded far harsher and firm than I was accustomed to hearing it. Another figure materialized beside me. She was short, with a tan complexion and hazel eyes now intently focused on Death. Her light pink skirt went to her knees. Her shirt, of the same color, had purple writing on it: "Princess of Nerds".

Cat. The holographic image my TARDIS assumed whenever she talked to me directly, based off a concept she had found in my head.

AH. YOU. Death looked toward her and down at her. He towered over her by the better part of a meter, but my TARDIS didn't look in the lead perturbed. THIS IS YOUR DOING?

"I won't let you take them," the TARDIS said. "I won't let you take my Doctor and his friend."

Death blinked, an effect achieved by the pinpricks of blue light in his empty eye sockets winking out of existence momentarily. YOU ARE INTRODUCING UNCERTAINTY. YOU KNOW THIS SHOULD NOT BE DONE.

"I'll decide that."

WOULD YOU PRESUME AS HE DID? HE HAS MADE HIS CHOICES, CHILD. THIS IS THE RESULT OF HIS FREE WILL. THE BAD CHOICES HE HAS MADE. IT CANNOT BE UNDONE.

"My poor Doctor has made many mistakes, yes." She eyed me. "He even tried to do something terrible. But he knows better now. And he is my Doctor. I will fight for him."

YOU RISK MUCH...

I listened to them argue quietly, neither budging. The pain in my chest was growing and I slumped back against the controls. I couldn't muster the energy to move, there was too much pain. I started having trouble concentrating and realizing I was losing consciousness.

All the while, a sound kept coming to my ear, growing louder and louder. I rasped in pain and twisted to see if I was just imagining the little noise that kept coming to me.

SQUEAK.

The small figure stood beside me. He was just a few inches tall, a skeletal form in black robes with his own small scythe clasped in one skeletal paw. A skeletal nose looked up at me. SQUEAK, the Death of Rats insisted.

He held, in the other paw, a small bundle of wires that came from underneath the TARDIS.

I blinked. "Really?"

SQUEAK!

"Alright," I gasped. I reached over and took up the wires in my hand. As soon as I did I felt a weak smile come to my face. "The telepathic circuit. Clever little guy, aren't you?"

The Death of Rats nodded eagerly. SQUEAK.

I held onto the wire and accessed the TARDIS controls. I was losing consciousness as I did so, making it hard to focus on a destination. I knew I had to get us somewhere that we could be healed quickly and cleanly, without surgery that might overtax our damaged bodies.

The TARDIS powered up. I sighed, smiled, and slid all the way to the floor. I looked up at Death. "You... wanted it this way," I said weakly.

Death returned our lifetimers to the folds of his robe. YOU ARE STILL NEEDED, DOCTOR.

I almost asked what he meant, but all I could manage was a breath out of my tormented lungs. Blackness began to claim me. VWORP VWORP VWORP. My TARDIS made her beautiful noise, as if trying to sing me to sleep.

For several moments blackness nearly took me. I could hear the door open, hushed and excited footsteps. Someone loomed over me. I forced my eyes open briefly and looked up into a familiar face of dark bronze with brilliant blue eyes. "Doctor?!", she said, urgent and fearful.

"Kor...ra..."

That was all I managed to say before the blackness took me.

I awoke in a start. I had been dreaming. Dreaming of being in a boring life. Of not being what I was.

Dreaming of being Human.

I looked down and saw that I was wearing the yellow and orange of an Air Acolyte. My chest still hurt. I peered down the vest and saw that the phaser burn was still there. I sucked in a breath of air to test for pain. But it didn't get any worse.

I was still tender enough to grimace as I swung my legs and got out of bed.

I hadn't made it to the door when a small figure stepped up into my room. "You're up already?" Ikki looked at me with curiosity. "You should go back to bed. Mom's pretty upset with you."

I blinked. "Um, why?"

"Because your big box broke the table," Ikki answered. "And ruined our dinner."

"Oh." I sighed. "Well, I shall apologize." I blinked. "Ikki, where is Nerys?"

"Who?"

"Remember, my friend? Red brown hair?"

"Oh, the woman with the wrinkles on her nose?" Ikki took my hand. "She's with Korra."

I let Ikki lead me through the passageways of Air Temple Island. We came into a room with a large basin filled with water. Nerys was submerged in it. I got the sense she was still unconscious.

Korra was moving her arms around, causing the water to slosh gently and shine brightly - waterbending healing. She looked up at me and I could see bags under her eyes. Her weary face turned to a smile. "You're okay," she said.

"Quite," I answered, finding a seat nearby. I turned to the other figure who was still working on Nerys. The old woman looked up at me with blue eyes of her own and a similar complexion to Korra's. I noticed the stands of hair kept as loops into the hair buns at the back of her head and nodded. "Master Katara, I presume."

Katara nodded back and smiled. "Doctor. I've heard a lot about you."

"I imagine so." A look crossed my face. "Weren't you staying in the South Pole?"

"Yes. But Tenzin brought me here to tend to your friend." Katara looked down at Nerys. "Korra kept her alive until I arrived."

I nodded. Looking at Korra, she seemed utterly exhausted and sleep-deprived. "Thank you," I managed. "How is she...?"

"She will live. It may take her time to fully recover." Katara looked intently at me. "Although I imagine there are ways you can hasten that."

"Perhaps."

"I've only seen this pattern of damage once before. Many years ago, among miners in the southern Earth Kingdom. Few healers and doctors know how to treat it."

"it's radiation poisoning," I explained. "It's... a form of energy, if you will, that attacks the body at a cellular level. Certain elements, metals, can give off radiation."

"But that's not what happened to your friend?"

I lowered my eyes. Guilt stabbed at my hearts. "No. That is... a longer story."

"Ah." Katara looked back at Nerys. "You may tell it in your own time, if you prefer. But first, you should get Korra to take a nap."

"I'm fine," Korra protested. She promptly yawned.

"Even Avatars need sleep," I pointed out. I walked up to her and offered my hand. "Come along. Let's see about getting you some food and some shut eye, eh?"

Korra eyed me for a moment over the bags that lay under her eyes. She let out a grunt of acceptance and let me help her up. Pain shot through my chest as I did so, causing me to wince. "Are you all right?", she asked.

"Just a little tender," I admitted. "But I'm getting better. Come along now..."

That night, with Korra sound asleep and the island settling into a night's rest, I stood out under the stars. The golden light of Republic City filled the horizon before me. I was back in my normal clothing. My TARDIS stood behind me, moved from where the White Lotus and Air Acolytes had placed it in storage after my rather unplanned materialization in Tenzin's dining room.

"Doctor."

I turned and saw Tenzin standing behind me. "It's getting late. You should get some sleep," he insisted.

"I'm afraid that's not going to happen any time soon," I answered. "I've got a lot to think about."

"Mother said there was more to what happened than appeared."

"Your mother is a very astute woman," I agreed. "I've been making... choices lately, Tenzin. Bad ones. I became arrogant and short-sighted. It nearly led me to doing something... utterly horrible. Nerys stopped me. Almost at the cost of her own life."

There was silence for a moment. "I see. Is this why Katherine is no longer with you?"

My chest felt hollow. "She's dead," I answered. "An assassin's bomb."

"I'm sorry." Tenzin stepped up beside me and looked over at me. "What will you do now?"

That was a good question. I... had no answer for it. I couldn't even imagine what I'd do. I wasn't sure I could trust myself. Not after coming so close. "I'm not sure," I admitted. "I'll probably leave tonight with Nerys. Korra and your mother have healed her to the point that Doctor Bashir should be able to get her back on her feet in a few days."

"You're leaving again? So soon?"

"Well, after I replace that dining table," I said.

"Ah." Tenzin nodded. "You need the time alone. I understand."

"No." I shook my head as tears formed in my eyes. "You really don't."

Indeed, how could he? How could he know the struggle in my soul? The realization that I had been a fool to take the name of the Doctor so recklessly. I had gotten so carried away with becoming that legend... and look where it had led me?

But what else did I have? The Doctor was the only name I had anymore. Everything I once was had been locked up in my head. No one could get it out. No one...

For a brief moment, I remembered there was one offer to do so. To break the box open. Mab, Queen of Winter, had made it twice now. A bargain to be struck; freeing my old mind in exchange for three favors of my choice.

For a minute, I was tempted to go to her and say yes. No matter how stupid that was, no matter the danger... the temptation was there. If I could get those memories back, I could be someone again.

Because all I had now was a name that I had misused. A name that had extracted a terrible price for that misuse.

"Thank you, Tenzin." I turned to the TARDIS. "I'll leave a note to Korra before I leave. I hope she'll understand."

"You could stay a while longer," Tenzin offered. "I can show you meditation techniques to..."

"That won't fix it," I said as I opened the TARDIS. I stopped and did a half turn. "You're going to the Glaciar Spirits Festival soon?"

"We leave in three weeks, yes," Tenzin answered.

"I see." I inhaled. There was a temptation there. To warn him, to warn Korra, about Unalaq. I had been planning to deal with Unalaq even before I became the Time Lord Trimphnant. "Tenzin, please, give Korra some space," I said. It was the most I could dare to do.

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that if you're too stringent with her, Korra will only resent you. Be understanding of her need for space. For breathing room. Please."

"Is something going to... happen?", Tenzin asked.

I breathed in. "Perhaps. And I may not be there to help. Please, consider what I've said."

Tenzin stood in the TARDIS doorway for a while, uncertain. Finally he seemed to relent. "Very well. I will."

"Good. Now, I would like to get this letter written. I'll be by shortly to pick up Nerys and be on my way. Oh, yes, and I'll have a new dinner table for you as well." I turned away from him and walked toward the halls that led out of the TARDIS control room. He said nothing and closed the TARDIS door behind me.

When Nerys finally woke up, we were in the infirmary on Deep Space Nine. "Where am I?", she asked, squinting her eyes.

"Back home," I replied, sitting nearby. "It's late. You should get more sleep.

Nerys looked at me. "What happened?"

"I set the missiles' self-destruct," I replied. "The TARDIS let me materialize in fuel control so I could get you out."

"I thought I remembered someone. An old woman, and laying in water."

"Master Katara. You remember Korra, yes? That was her world. I took you there to be healed."

Nerys nodded. "So. What next?"

"I'm... not sure," I admitted. "I need time to think about things. To consider what I am and what I almost became." I took her hand. "Thank you. You saved me from myself."

"I just returned the favor." She smiled gently. "I showed you the better way. Just as you showed me." The smile turned sardonic. "It took me longer to understand it, though."

I allowed myself a small laugh. And then I took her into a hug. A gentle one, to be safe. "I'll keep in touch."

There was the sound of a clearing throat. We looked over to see Bashir returning with a hypospray and several dosages in hand. "Far be it for me to interrupt a tender moment," he said, "but the Major needs rest. And plenty of it."

"Of course." I nodded to him and to Nerys. "Take care of yourself, Nerys. You'll win this war in the end, I promise."

"Of course we will," she answered. And she kept smiling even as I walked out of the infirmary.

I couldn't keep my own smile. Not with the weight pressing down on me.

I had another stop to make.

The hints of early summer were in the air as I left the TARDIS and followed a flight of stairs down to a reinforced security door that acted as the front door of a below-ground apartment. I knocked on the door and took in a breath.

The door opened. Harry Dresden stood on the other end, looking at me intently but keeping us from making eye contact. "Hey," he finally said.

"I'm sorry," was the only answer I could give.

"Came to your senses?', he asked.

"Jolted back to them, yes. The cost was almost too high." I lowered my eyes. "Is Molly here?"

"She's on her way." Harry nodded, understanding what I wanted to do. "Come in."

I stepped into his apartment. It was immaculate as always. Not what you'd expect from a bachelor pad. But Harry had little friends who kept his home maintained.

I remained silent as Harry opened the hatch to his basement lab. I stepped down and entered it. My eyes went straight for the shelf covered in romance novels and one future-tech data disc. All were positioned strategically around a human skull. "Hey Bob," Harry called out.

The eye sockets of the skull came to life with golden globes. "Yes, Harry? Ah. Hey Doc."

"Hello Bob," I said quietly. I couldn't quite keep the pain out of my voice.

And he noticed it. "Oh." A sigh came from the skull. There was no satisfaction in the spirit's voice as he said, "I told you so. I warned you."

"Yes," I answered, my voice hollow. "Bob... I... I need the block taken out. Please..."

"Doc, it's not happening. Not without ripping your mind apart and turning you into a drooling idiot."

"There has to be a way," I insisted.

"The only way I can think of is if you found who did it and got them to open it. I'm sure they could."

"But I don't know who... I don't even know where to begin looking," I protested. "I... I can't live like this, Bob. I don't have anything left. I'm not..." I choked back what I was about to say. "I don't even remember if I was Human or Time Lord before... before everything started!"

"I'm pretty sure you were Human," Bob answered. "Pretty sure. And you certainly knew you were back when we met."

"But... what if that is just from my mind being altered? What if I really was just a Time Lord from the start? I need to know. It's all I have left!"

"I'm sorry, Doc. If I knew a way that would work, I'd tell you."

I went to protest again but heard the door above open. I stopped. Harry was already upstairs again and I could hear him talking to the new arrival. Molly had come to begin the day's lessons.

In keeping with Harry's orders to not reveal himself to Molly, Bob's golden eyes winked out of sight.

I drew in a breath and tried to regain my composure. When I ascended from the lab, Molly was laying out some magical gadgetry Harry had assigned her as homeworld. Her natural blonde hair was colored purple and blue and she was dressed in a plain sleeveless t-shirt and knee-length jean shorts that had a few rips, just for the sake of her preferred image. "Hey!", she called out, smiling. "How are you?"

Harry looked up at me as well. He mouthed the words "Didn't mention Katherine" where Molly couldn't see him. I took the cue and sighed. "I've seen better days, Miss Carpenter."

"So, where's Katherine?"

My mouth went dry. My hearts ached and my gut lurched. "I'm afraid she's... she was killed, Molly."

Molly gasped and jumped to her feet, giving me a sympathetic hug. "Oh Doctor." I winced as she used the name. "I'm so sorry! What happened?!"

"Assassination," I answered simply. "Her mother was the target. It was the bomb. I'd... rather not talk about it." I avoided looking at Harry. I didn't want to face him on that issue. Instead I went to the door. "Harry, it might be a while," I said. "I.. I need time to think."

"You're a time traveler, Doc," he pointed out. "No reason you can't come back here when you want."

"Yes. But... I'm not sure what point of time I'll come back to you at," I said. "I don't know how far I can ever trust myself."

Harry sighed. He didn't like that. "Yeah. I guess I understand. Just take care of yourself, alright?"

I didn't answer him. I stepped up to the TARDIS and began to open the door. Molly called out behind me. "Doctor! You can always..."

"Please don't say that again," I rasped.

I didn't turn to look, but I can imagine their confusion. "Don't say what, Doctor?"

"That."

"Doctor, what's..."

"Stop calling me that!", I shouted. I whirled about and saw that the vehemence of my voice had startled both of them. "That's not who I am! That's not my name!"

Molly blinked, her mouth wide open in confusion. "Doctor...?"

"That's not my name!," I thundered. Tears filled my eyes. "That was never my name! It was... it was a joke! An act of melodrama! And then I kept using the name and it went out of control and... and it became all I had. But that's not who I was! It's what I was turned into! And I don't know who or why or how, but it all went wrong! I went wrong! I... I let it take over me and I didn't know how to keep it in check, and everything went wrong and I... I was becoming a monster, Molly, a monster. Nerys almost killed herself trying to stop me, if not for her I'd be... I'd be..." I stopped shouting at this point, my voice becoming weak and hoarse. "Time Lord Triumphant. No remorse. No mercy. A vengeful god playing with the fabric of reality, changing timelines on a whim to 'make things better'. That's what taking the Name of the Doctor almost turned me into."

Molly was both horrified and saddened at my outburst. "I'm sorry. I..." She swallowed. "What do you want me to call you? What's your name?"

I almost shouted. But I didn't. I felt so very tired. "I don't know," I answered, my voice low and full of pain. "I don't have a name. I'm... I'm a nobody now. I..." I turned back to the TARDIS. "...I have to figure it out."

"Good luck," Harry said. "We're here if you need us."

"Yes. Thank you, Harry, Molly. Take care of yourselves."

I didn't turn back as I entered the TARDIS. I stepped up to the controls and hit a few keys. I pulled the lever.

By the time the TARDIS engine died down, I was on my knees, crying as utter despair and confusion filled me.

I wasn't the Doctor. I never should have taken that name.

But if I wasn't the Doctor... who was I? I had no name. No identity. Nothing. Being the Doctor was the only thing I had. The only thing of substance.

And now I didn't have that. I couldn't trust myself with it. I'd taken that route and I'd become something terrible. I couldn't make that mistake again.

"Who am I?", I murmured through the sobs. "Who. Am. I?" My voice rose to a crescendo of anguish. "WHO AM I?!", I screamed.

I received no answer.

And that was how my exile began.