A/N: No Author's Note.

Chapter 12: We Keep Our Pasts to Ourselves

The screams and clicks were all he needed to hear to know that something was severely wrong. They were distant, oily almost in nature, the source of the sounds clouded from his vision by the thick fog the falling snow created to mask his body. A hand in front of his face was no help, nor was the frequent blinks in hope to wipe them off his corneas like windshield wipers. Mother nature worked against him, pushing his body further and further away from his goal as he could almost make out the shadows of two people, struggling against the other. They both looked familiar, way too familiar.

Each step required the full extent of his leg, as he raised one to match the depth of the snow, pushing down into the glue like substance and repeating the process with the other. Wind burned his face as the cold turned hot with intensity, until the top layers of skin were purely numbed. His eyes hurt, dry and bloodshot even after he clenched them shut. No helpful tears came to quench the thirst of his eyes, so he had to substitute with his fingers as he drove them deep into the sockets, rubbing rapidly to keep the rawness away. He only increased it.

The screams belonged to a woman, as the attacker made itself out to be the same. Each had a grip on each other's shoulders, one actually trying to sink its teeth into the other. The attacks appeared to be rampant, incessant, as the victim was driven literally to her knees. The attacker, what he made out to be a clicker, was winning the fight with ease. Through the winds and the screams and the clicks, he heard the abomination's jaws chopping away at empty air, as they longed for the fleshy resistance it would receive on a successful blow. Both shadows were about the same size, and despite the fact that he gained ground, they didn't seem to be getting any closer.

"Joel..."

The victim knew his name. Surprising. The shocker was the familiarity in her voice, as he tried to rack his brain as to who it belonged to. It could be anybody, really. The inability to hear his surroundings well as the mixed signals messing with his sense of direction prevented him from pointing out the identity, but the nagging sensation in the back of his head drove him a little faster into the storm that enveloped the three.

The clicker's sounds grew more vicious, and more terrifying. The victim's screams also grew more desperate. Originally, they'd been somewhat determined, almost like loud grunts and squeals as the victim herself was seemingly certain that she'd get herself out of the predicament she found herself in. Now? They were of a losing side, almost of submission, of defeat, and of horror. All in one, these emotions presented themselves, and the victim was lowering slowly to the ground as the clicker grew more and more excited.

A pistol in his hand, his steady pace grew unsteady, a brisk run through the brisk air as the world held him back. It was like a fight on a school yard, as some unknown force held him back as to not get involved. No interference, or no more violence to be had. This was enough. This would be it. The victim seemed to be more and more on her own as the time went by. It was odd, that trees would enter his vision as the fog like snow revealed the trunks, but the shadows of his targets did not falter.

"Joel..."

Her voice belonged to one of a teenager, and he made the connection. Actually, somehow, even with his confusion, he'd already known. Ellie was in trouble, and called desperately for him. For her knight in shining armor, her deus ex machina. He pushed hard into the blizzard with the gun raised high, but the barrel swayed with the wind, making a clean shot to the clicker impossible no matter how close he could get. It's roars and bellows were actually a bit soft, chirping and spasming as it used mother nature to its will. There was a femininity to it. A child like manor, as well. The host must've belonged to a girl, as well.

Dread filled him on the inside, as he kept fighting his own fight. He had to reach her, even if it wasn't meant to be.

Raspy whispers filled his ears, as more and more shadows filled the horizon surrounding the three.

You can't save her.

He held the pistol high, trying to get a shot. The clicker chomped down hard, getting closer and closer to Ellie's face with each advance. He could make out her frightened face, as her only way of defense was her arm, planted on its throat. She was on her back, now, holding the monstrosity off for as long as it would take for him to get to her.

How long until she's mauled by a pack of clickers...?

The clicker croaked.

That is if she hadn't been raped and murdered, first...

He grimaced, trying to get closer. He wanted to call out to her. He wanted to will her to hang on, that he was coming.

She's alive... Sh-She's David's newest pet...

Her cries for him were almost withered out, as her strength faded away from her. The tears were there now, as he couldn't get close enough. Every time he held the pistol, he feared that the shot would hit her instead of the clicker.

He bit down hard onto his lip, chewing the drying flesh as he felt his knees giving out on him, as his body began to shut down. His arms shook, his fingers losing their feeling. The pistol was barely in his grasp by the time he reached the two, the moment the storm finally let him get close enough. They still remained a distant away, but both Ellie and the clicker were in plain sight. Even the thick snow couldn't prevent him from seeing. Holding the pistol up, the clicker's back to him, he watched for an opening.

The two were struggling so hard, their heads bobbing this way and that. There was no clear shot to be had. He had to take a gamble.

His hesitation had let the clicker get its jaws on her shoulder, tearing shirt and flesh as she screamed. He tried to scream back, but no words were able to come. Blood pored from the wound, as she lost so much of her power in the process. The clicker slumped further down on top of her, and that's when he saw her face.

The clicker was dressed in purple and blue pajamas, and blonde hair fell in twisted, tangled knots. He recognized the mutilated face of his daughter the second his tormented eyes laid on it, and something inside him died forever. Ellie looked to him with a pleading face, his shot still not clear. However, his finger lifted slightly from the trigger, as the monster that used to be the witty, intelligent Sarah attempted again to bite a chunk out of the girl underneath.

Whether or not he had an open shot, he found in horror that he was unable to pull the trigger. With all his might, he couldn't. The mechanism was stuck, and his numb fingers nearly broke against it.

What's this?

Your birthday.

The two girls rolled, and he found his daughter's head in his crosshairs. He croaked from a sob, as Sarah's jaws pushed for Ellie's neck. She screamed.

You like it?

He nearly couldn't see either of them, anymore. He was losing his chance, and the trigger would not pull.

This is our song, Joel.

He bit his tongue hard, and blood gushed from the resulting wound.

You promise me that you'll never leave me.

The tears streamed down his cheeks. He tried to pull the trigger one last time, as Ellie let out one final scream.

Joel awoke with a start, the real world welcoming him back with open arms as he embraced it. Panting, his body caked in a cold sweat, he found himself sitting up right in the bed. His hands were curled into fists, clutching the blanket tightly to the point where his knuckles were whiter than the sheets. His surroundings were a blur, as he tried to recollect himself. The intense ringing in his ear that can be found after a nightmare's stunning climax began to fade away as he placed his palm against the crown of his forehead. Joel let the muscles in his face relax, as he breathed in.

Running his fingers through his hair, he blinked a few times and calmed himself, coming to terms that what he'd just experienced was nothing more than a bad dream. Just a simple projection of self consciousness, and that was that. Joel's heart came to a stop when he questioned if the screams of his dream had been real, and that the real Ellie upstairs was once again having an episode. Holding his breath, he looked in an upward direction, listening to the house and the outside.

Nothing. Silence.

Exhaling with a deep edge to its tone, he rubbed his eyes and shifted in the bed. His feet came to the cold floor underneath, and it sent shivers through his body. The mattress actually creaked, as he sensed movement behind him. The tense atmosphere he himself had set wasn't a helping factor, as he turned to look over his shoulder. All he saw was Esther's back, as she still slept away. Her blonde hair was messy, as her barefeet poked out of the blankets at the bottom of the bed.

Joel felt a small grin tug his cheeks, as he stood from the mattress and walked over to the end of the bed. He began to pull his memories back together, as he looked down to see both their clothes discarded across the floor. Realizing that he had nothing on his body at the moment, he was quick to replace his underwear and jeans. Not bothering with a shirt or socks, he shuffled quietly over to the door, where he saw Esther snoozing. Her face looked pained, actually.

Odd, considering her ecstatic demeanor the previous night. Her brow was pointed, and her eyes were tightly shut. Was she experiencing the same that he had only minutes before, or was it simply a troubled look. Walking over to her bedside, looking down at her, he felt his guilt begin to build over again. Why was he here, with this woman, instead of with the person that should be, and is, his number one priority? What was he thinking, last night?

Despite this, he almost wished that she would wake just for a moment, just so that he could see her eyes again.

Esther had a beautiful pair of golden eyes.

Breathing deeply again, before exhaling quickly with a determined tone, he turned on his heal and left the room, his clothing under his arm.

It didn't take long for Joel to notice the lack of morning light, so the sun wasn't necessarily up, yet. This was perfect, considering his plans. Ellie, fast asleep (thankfully) would soon be griping to him about how she wanted an extra few minutes of shut eye. He already had a response planned, as he tiptoed up the steps to the bathroom the two shared. Scratching the space behind his ear as he walked in, after pulling the door to, he took hold of his toothbrush and began to follow his daily morning routine.

The dream that night still racked his brain, as Joel attempted to erase the images away with each scratch and rub to his forehead. The dim light he'd flicked on showed his aging features in the slightly cracked mirror they'd been supplied with by his younger brother. It was all they could get, and there was no need for complaints, anyway.

God, Joel thought to himself. Sarah would've been 33 today.

He could only imagine what Ellie would be feeling. He'd never really heard much about her friend, accept a birthdate and a cause of death. The same cause as most others in this world would suffer. It was almost considered natural causes, really. That moment when your luck leaves you, and your time comes.

You tell that girl of yours the truth...

Shit, Joel thought.

He had to, didn't he. Seriously, she deserved as much, right? Would today be the right day, or should he wait?

All things considered, Joel found himself considering something he thought he would never even give a second thought about for the remainder of his days. He could still remember the look on her face a year earlier, as they approached Jackson for the second time, but legitimately the first.

Swear to me that everything you said to me about the Fireflies is true.

A pause.

I swear.

He cringed. Every time he played that conversation through his head, he did this. Who was he to think the girl was so ignorant, she wouldn't at least think something was up.

Okay.

Joel looked at the mirror, watching himself as the toothbrush hung out of the corner of his mouth. Biting into the bristles, the minty flavor intensifying as it liquefied and dribbled down his throat, he coughed to a degree before taking it swiftly from his lips. Smacking them, he studied his features and the glance and vibe his eyes gave made him sigh.

"Ellie... I feel like I need to tell you something..."

Joel shook his head.

"No..."

Clearing his throat, he gave it a second go.

"Ellie... there's been something I've been meaning to talk to you about. Something quite important..."

Shrugging, Joel blinked, and adverted his gaze from the mirror, before looking back to it.

"Ellie, there's something I've been meaning to tell you..."

Nodding, he rubbed his chin.

"...I haven't been able to find the words for it, but I believe you deserve the truth..."

The truth.

"My story was a lie, Ellie..."
No, that didn't work.

"That's shit..."

He cleared his throat again.

"Ellie... what I said back in the car, on the way to Jackson. It wasn't necessarily the full truth..."

It wasn't anywhere near the fuckin' truth.

"No, Joel. That doesn't work, either."

He kept going through the trial and error, attempting to perfect his speech that he would give.

"If you're mad at me, I understand. You have every right to be. I feel, however, that..."

How do I feel?

"Shit..."

Rubbing his brow, he put the brush down and spit, realizing that the paste was still in his mouth. Once it was gone, he looked back up into the glass, his own image staring back.

"Ellie, I did what I did to protect you. To give you a second chance. You didn't deserve to die for a world that was too far gone. Not the world I lived through for twenty years, that I've seen do terrible things. You are the light that I follow, Ellie. Not them, but you..."

You are the light that I follow.

Joel chuckled to himself.

"That's just fucking corny, Joel. What the fuck are you thinking."

Scenarios played out in his head, from Ellie just accepting it and moving on (highly unlikely), to a complete blowout in which she wants nothing to do with him anymore.

"What if she argues that I took her choice away. What do I say then? What if she wanted to be on that table?"

Itching his nose, he exhaled again and thought it over. Joel was losing time, and he knew that. Either they'd miss their window, or Ellie herself would wake and discover him talking to himself in the mirror. Either she'd slam him hard over it, laughing her ass off, or she'd overhear what he was saying, and...

"No, Joel. Don't worry about that. Worry about later."

He scanned his head for an answer. The scenarios played along.

You took my choice away, Joel! It was none of your business!

"There was no guarantee that it would work, Ellie, and they weren't even going to give you a choice."

We should've at least tried, and you know damn good and well Marlene knew me better than you, so why do you think that I wouldn't of gone through with it.

"You deserve to live a full life, Ellie. You deserve so much more."

I deserve the chance to right my wrongs, Joel. I deserve the chance to see them again.

Dammit. He knew there would be no talking his way around it. When he brought it up, tensions would rise, and hateful words would be thrown back and forth. He dreaded it so much, his gut wrenched.

She deserved to know. She needed to know.

"I'm sorry, Ellie. If you don't forgive me, then fine. I couldn't lose another d..."

He trailed off, as he looked back from the mirror and shut his eyes. His fists tightened again, gripping the sides of the sink.

I don't want anything to do with you, anymore Joel. We're done!

He grimaced.

We're done!

He hit the sink, shaking the soap dispenser and toothbrushes that sat on it. The rattling was a little loud, and he regretted it as soon as he did it. Turning away from the mirror, he breathed in deeply, his palms on his face. Biting into his gums, he cursed himself mentally for ever of lying to her in the first place. At least, then, they could've built off of honesty, not lies.

How could he of been so deceitful to the two people left on this planet that mattered to him? How could he be so selfish.

You're not my daughter.

He lowered his head, grunting loudly.

...and I sure as hell ain't your dad.

A light knock came from the door that startled Joel out of his thoughts. His fingers left the scar that ran through the bridge of his nose, as he turned to answer.

"Yeah?"

His voice was low.

"Are you okay in there?"

It was Ellie. Shit, how loud had he been?

"I- I'm okay, baby girl. Just stubbed my damn foot."

He could hear her chuckling from behind the door. Good, she hadn't heard him talking to himself.

"That sucks."

"You're telling me."

There was a pause, as Ellie stood on the other side of the door, waiting for him.

"So... are you done in there... or...?"

Looking back to the mirror, his conflicted expression still evident, before sighing deeply to himself and clenching his fists. Joel was going to tell her. When they were out in the forest, where they could have some time to themselves, he would tell her. It would be today. No more delay, no more wait. It was going to be fucking today.

"I'm just wrapping up. Gimme a sec."

Grabbing the nearest towel, he wiped his face dry and proceeded to leave the bathroom, Ellie swiftly taking his place. Before he could walk the hall back to the room, she poked her head out with a quizzical look.

"Joel?"

Her tone was humorous.

"Hmm?"

"Do we have company downstairs?"

He froze, his mouth slightly ajar as he tried to find an excuse. How in the hell did she know that?

"Errr..."

She laughed, shaking her head, before closing the door behind her.

The gunshot rang proudly through the trees as the rifle fired, and the deer's hide squirted blood like a garden hose as soon as the bullet hit its mark. The animal squealed, and didn't even take the time to run before it was on its side. It squirmed for a second or two, before becoming still completely, taking its final breath. Pulling the bolt back, the spent cartridge spilling to the ground underneath, Ellie half grinned against the stock of the rifle, releasing her breath in pants.

Joel, who shared the same perch as her, patted her on the shoulder.

"A clean kill. Nice job, kiddo."

Separating her cheek from the stock, she blew air from her mouth and wiped the sweat from her brow. The shot was still echoing through the forest as she pushed herself off of the ground. Joel, strapping his own weapon over his shoulder, came to his feet and pushed through the undergrowth as he left their hideout, advancing towards the dead deer. Ellie followed in suit, ecstatic, and gave a light jog to catch up with her guardian. The tips of his boots dotted red as he strode through the blood that poured from the wound given, as he inspected the animal. Kneeling, he rubbed the neck of the deer, pressing his lips in a fine line. Nodding in approval, he looked back to Ellie.

"Looks like you've improved."

"You're surprised."

"No. Just pointin' it out."

Joel stood alongside Ellie, striding back over to their perch where his gear laid. His heavier jacket, which he had discarded in the shared body warmth after an hour or so, along with the spare ammunition they'd laid out just in case they needed it. You could never be too careful. Pulling his backpack from their little hideout, he sifted through the contents real quick. A couple of nail bombs (courtesy of Bill), a few unused cartridges, a flashlight, and granola bars. The necessities. Nodding once again to himself, he moved to place the spares inside the pack, before throwing his jacket back on and the pack back over his shoulders quickly after.

Ellie had slung her own rifle over her shoulder, walking over to her guardian as she waited for him. Looking up into the sky, somewhat bored already to her surprise, she took note of the morning light that had begun to make its appearance. The clouds had turned a dark tint of blue, still producing a steady snowfall. The forest around them had begun to wake, the wild life beginning to reveal themselves despite the recent gunshot.

Joel, still on his knee, was giving the area one last scan in case they'd missed something, before coming to his feet and looking over to Ellie, a slight grin on his face. It was contagious.

"You actually seem to be pretty joyous this morning, Joel."

"Oh, you noticed."

She nodded, her own grin beginning to widen.

"What exactly did you and your 'company' do, last night?"

He raised an eyebrow at her, before simply shrugging and moving over to the deer, taking hold of one of its antlers. He tried to tug, but found the body to be a tad bit heavy for his own good.

"C'mon, Joel. I'm gonna need a better answer than that."

"Nothin'. Just talked. You mind helpin' me with this?"

He took another tug of the carcass, but found it to be again a bit much for the likes of him. He was getting old.

"No, no, no, no. There's no way you two just 'talked'," she did air quotes with her fingers, "if she was downstairs this morning."

"Who says she was over our place this morning?"

She chuckled.

"I kinda peaked in last night."

Joel's eyes began to bug a bit out of his sockets.

"You're fucking with me?"

"No, Joel. I'm not. I wish I was."

"Why did you go and do that."

"You weren't there last night. I was kind of curious."

A sudden wave of guilt washed over him, as he almost double taked at his carelessness. He'd already slapped himself over it, but it still hung over him with resilience. Joel's smile had disappeared, and he had a hand on his head which slide down to pinch his eyes.

What the fuck was I thinking.

"Baby girl, I'm sorry. I let myself get carried away, last night."

Ellie, however, was still giggling.

"Joel, relax. I'm not a little girl. I can handle myself. Plus, you needed a little 'release'", she did her air quotes again, "after all that stress. Right?"

Joel sighed, shaking his head yet smiling again all the same.

"I guess that's one way of puttin' it."

She laughed, before nudging him on the shoulder.

"Oh, you dog, you."

He messed her hair up with his hand before gesturing back towards the body.

"Now, do you want to help me, or not?"

Ellie followed suit, taking hold of the other antler as the duo began to pull the corpse along. The extra help was like the piano back in the hotel, just enough to get the damn thing moving. They really didn't have to haul it far, just to the horses they had strung up a few meters away. Still, it was a bit of an exercise. Joel had suggested field dressing the carcass, but Ellie wasn't too keen on that, and with good reason. So, they'd decided to drag it back to the settlement, where they'd hand it off to one of the butchers in exchange for a portion of the meat. It was worth the avoidance of another possible panic attack.

When they finally found their pair of horses, right where they'd left them, Joel got back to work. Taking a coil of rope from the saddle's pack, along with a crude sled of some sort that they'd carried with them and left with their rides, he began to tie efficient knots around the antlers. Ellie watched as he did so, looping it here and there and giving the result a good tug every so often. Her eyes would occasionally drift to the eyes of the deer, clouded over and lifeless, as they stared out into the storm. She felt a slight sensation of guilt, much to her surprise, for the animal that they'd killed. It was funny, as it was the same she'd felt that one afternoon.

She quickly changed her train of thought as the inevitable memories attempted to crawl back into her head. Rubbing her forehead, almost as if to rub them away like fog on a window, she sighed deeply and meaningfully as she looked off into the whiteout along with the animal's dead stare. Joel had taken notice of this, as he followed her gaze to figure out what had gained her attention. He immediately came to the conclusion of what it was, and began to speak.

"You know, I used to do this all the time. Before the outbreak, I mean."

Ellie looked back at Joel, somewhat intrigued.

"Hunting."

"Mmm hmm. Every Thanksgiving with Tommy and a few of his friends. We'd hop into one of our trucks and set out for the woods around 4:30 or 5 that morning. Each of us would haul a rifle on our backs, and we always had this little game going."

"Game?"

"Whoever killed the deer that day, or killed the biggest, got all the money in everyone's pocket."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"So, gambling then?"

"Something like that. Most of the time, we never got anything. One of Tommy's clumsy friends would pull something stupid and scare the game off miles around. That, or we just weren't lucky that year."

"Did you ever win?"

"Once. Got about a total of fifty bucks."

"Out of everyone there?"

"We never carried around a lot. Probably about five or ten dollars at a time. The point was to have a little fun and possibly make a quick buck off of it, not bankrupt the crowd."

"What happened? Did you kill the biggest one?"

Joel shook his head.

"No. The only one we'd found that day. It was funny, that clumsy friend I was talking about, actually ended up getting stuck in the mud."

"No kidding."

Another shake of the head.

"It's true. This was after I'd claimed the kill. We were actually headed back, when this idiot goes scampering off after something. Maybe in an attempt to beat me, who knows. Well, he ends up about knee deep in the mud," he demonstrated by placing his hand against his knee palm up, "and begins to squeal 'I can't freakin' move.'"

Ellie was chuckling again.

"Did you save him?"

"We tried. A clicker got to him first."

She raised an eyebrow.

"For real."

Joel cackled a bit.

"Yeah, about two hours and a phone call later, we were able to get his dumbass out. Lost his pants, though, and his boots, so imagine this motherfucker walking around without anything waist down save his underwear."

Ellie was laughing now.

"Nobody saw him except you guys, right?"

"Bastard was lucky... well, on that front, anyway. Tommy would never let it go though. He would constantly hound him on it, and would rise a laugh out of all of us every time."

They both laughed a bit, the tone in the air light-hearted as Joel finished his task up, placing the body on the sled and tying it tightly to the metal surface to make sure it didn't wind up rolling off. That would've been a waist.

"So, is this guy still around, or what?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You're friend, the clumsy guy. Is he still around?"

Joel pursed his lips, looking out as his thoughts evidently grew distant. He sighed to himself, before shrugging.

"I don't know. Never heard from him after the outbreak. When things went to shit, we lost contact with many friends and family on day one. Hell, I even thought for a period of time that I'd never see Tommy again."

"Because he joined the Fireflies?"

Dread for some reason filled his body. Joel didn't hesitate on his nod, but quickly changed the subject. He intended on revisiting this in a bit, just not right at the moment.

"It's funny," he trailed, "when the two of us would return from our annual hunt, meat under our arms, Sarah would give me a fit."

"A fit?"

"Yeah, she'd go on about how it was wrong. Always asking what did it do to us to deserve such a fate. About how we were stealing it from its family. Every year she made me feel guilty about the whole damn thing."

"Was she a vegetarian?"

"Oh, no. She'd chow down on the steak as soon as it came off the grill. I guess it was just the heat of the moment that got her all riled up."

Ellie was chuckling again.

"She sounds really nice."

"Yeah..."

Joel sighed, looking down the path that their footprints still stitched a pattern in.

"Yeah, she was. I wished you could've met her."

"Same."

A silence fell over the duo, as Joel finished up. It was a comfortable silence, yet Joel felt a pang of regret in his gut. It burned, almost, as he constantly sighed to rectify the issue. It was a failing task. Joel was the first to hop up on his horse, and Ellie followed quickly behind him. He'd tied the deer to both of their horses, so that they could share the load. It connected to the sled, where the animal had been properly restrained. A blanket had been draped over it, yet the imprint of the body was still visible.

The snowfall was still steady, as they trotted down the path in the direction of Jackson's gates. Neither spoke a word for the time being, and neither really had to. There was a slight tension that was beginning to build, mostly on Joel's end, but Ellie had begun to share the wrench in her gut for obvious reasons. This was the first time in a while that the two had been officially alone. It had become a regular thing about a year ago, the two of them against whatever the violent world they lived in threw their way. Normally, at least as the journey had reached it's peak, conversation was pretty easy to spark up when Ellie wasn't haunted by memories.

Now, however, there was something different in the atmosphere. Regret was a major feature, among speculation, deceit. Ellie inhaled briskly, deciding to break the silence.

"You know, back in Boston, I never really got a chance to witness a good snow like this... well, at this magnitude."

"What do you mean?"

"I was always inside. The preparatory schools never really gave us free reign to do what we wanted, and obviously playing or experiencing the snow was on that list."

Joel nodded, listening intently.

"Me and my friend, Riley, would always try to make the best of it, though."

"How so?"

"Just, I guess, by imagining what it would be like. The snow angels, the snowmen, the runny noses after sitting in the cold for a long period of time."

"Hey. Imagination can go a long way."

"It did, for us. At least, for a brief period of time."

Joel raised an eyebrow. Where was she going with this.

"She'd left to join the Fireflies pretty much out of the blue," she continued, "up and left me without much of a goodbye. Actually, we'd had a bit of a falling out beforehand. Not the best way to do a send off."

Joel pressed his lips together, nodding. He knew exactly what she meant.

I never want to see your goddamned face again, you hear me Joel.

"Well, as you can imagine, I was pretty upset about that. It stuck with me for a while, slowing my progress with the military drills, with the grades, and so on. The teachers and such were at my throat for the entirety of the time she was gone. Then, one night..."

She sighed, obviously pained by the memory she was sharing. Joel leaned over to her, nudging her on the shoulder.

"You don't have to tell me this. You know that, right?"

"I know, it's just..."

"If this is too personal..."

"I feel like I should get it off my chest, you know?"

Joel sat back in his saddle, running a hand through his snow-pecked hair, and gave her more attention than the path that decended in curves before him.

"One night, she came back. Snuck in through a window, probably, and was lucky enough to get in when there weren't any soldiers around. Who knows what would've happened if they had caught us."

"I assume she was a Firefly?"

She nodded. Joel had taken notice to something in her hand, something she was fiddling with. It was her pendant, the one that he'd seen by her side when she'd collapsed the previous evening. The name Riley Abel inscribed in the metal.

"I was mad at her, but I followed her. She wanted to take me to one of those abandoned malls, in the section of the QZ that was off limits."

Joel nodded.

"I didn't know what she had in mind. Her argument that got me off my ass was 'since when have we gotten into trouble?'"

She gave a slight imitation in her voice.

"So, we went into the mall, and ended up having a good time there. It was like all the stress from the weeks prior didn't exist anymore. She led me to this carousel, which was just unbelievable to look at. Gave me that puns book."

Joel snickered.

"She had actually recovered these two water guns that had been confiscated from us beforehand. Almost had gotten shot over it. Beat her at a round of that."

She was chuckling to herself.

"We played this music, I Got You Babe by Etta Jones... my God, I can still remember..."

She trailed a little bit, but picked back up quickly.

"We had it on this loudspeaker we found in an electronics store, and she dragged me up there with her to dance..."

Joel looked over to her, as her features had dropped a drastic amount. When she'd mentioned the music, he could already tell where this was going.

"That's when the Infected came. We had no idea that they were there, how could we? With everything else that was happening? There was no way we could've known, right Joel?"

Instantly, despite what he truly thought, he shook his head no.

"Of course not."

She sighed again, and seemed to grasp the pendant a little tighter.

"The horde chased us through the mall, nearly getting us multiple times. We were lucky, but only for a short time. God, Joel, we were almost out! We literally were climbing out the window."

Joel's own gaze had drifted downward, as the steady pace of the horses slowed still. His own expression was pained.

"Something happened then. I can't even really remember, I just blacked out. Next thing I knew..."

Her voice broke, as she stifled a sob. Joel looked over to her, leaning again to place a hand on her shoulder.

"...we were both bitten."

Joel hit himself over the head with a hypothetical sledgehammer. How could he of been so ignorant and arrogant at the same time.

You have no idea what loss is.

"She and I decided to wait it out," Ellie continued, "to be all poetic and just lose our minds together. Well, I watched her lose her mind, Joel. I had to watch her turn right in front of me, while I didn't even feel the fever."

He was looking to the ground again.

"I had to shoot my best friend, Joel. I- I had..."

She inhaled a shaky breath, trying real hard to keep it together. Joel worked his arm around both her shoulders, letting her lean against him. It may of looked odd to any onlookers, as Ellie clung to him over the distance of two trotting horses, but neither of them gave a damn. Her body shook against his, as Joel decided to bring the horses to a stop.

Hopping down, he embraced the little girl tightly as she began to sob into his shirt. It was inevitable, given the day it was. However, like last year, it plagued him to watch. It burned inside that he couldn't shed a tear on the same damn day.

Why the fuck did it have to be on the same damn day?

"Baby girl, I'm so sorry."

Her rounds of sobbing went on for a few moments, as the two of them stood in between their horses without another movement, the snowfall coating their shoulders. Her little frame still shook as he attempted to keep her calm. The last thing they both needed was for another attack right out here in the open. Her hands clutched his shirt, as she breathed in heavily, wanting to regain composure. It only sparked another round of sobbing.

It had definitely done a toll on her to relive the story of the infamous bite that she wore. Each of them had something in their past that left an unhealable scar, one that each of them relentlessly hoped the other would, in fact, heal. Joel ran his fingers through her hair, wanting to keep his own composure as well. It was tough, but he had to do it for her. It wouldn't help matters any if he lost control as well. What good would that do?

Her crying slowed finally, as she vented her hardships into his plaid. When it was over, she turned her head, regaining her lost breath and wiping the tears that streamed down her freckled cheeks. Joel looked down to her, hoping to help her along. The poor thing was almost broken, and what he had to say to her would only increase her descent down to that stat. He began to open his mouth, feeling that now was actually the time to do so. They were both worn down, so there would probably be an argument. There would probably be some shouting, but it was necessary.

However, before he could even say a word, Ellie did it for him.

"Joel..."

"Yeah, Ellie."

"Why did you lie to me?"