Author's Note: Aaaaand here's the last part! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Don't own Frozen!

Frostbite: A Frozen Parody

Part 3

"AUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!" Anna and Kristoff dashed through a patch of snow-covered trees, screaming their lungs out as the huge security snowman lumbered after them, roaring for their blood. The sunset cast the hills in a vivid wash of brilliant orange, or maybe red. For their blood. Which would soon be splattered everywhere.

They ran a little faster.

All too soon they reached a sheer drop-off and slid to a halt, panting for breath. There was no way to climb down, the drop too steep.

"NOW what?!" Anna shrieked in panic, the distant trees shivering as the murderous snowman drew closer. "WE don't have Flight Mode like Sven!"

"I have an idea!" Kristoff pulled out his length of rope and quickly tied an end around each of them with efficient knots. Anna frowned down at him as he pulled hers tight.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"If I die, I'm taking you with me!"

Anna tried to strangle him with the slack line of rope between them.

"Okay KIDDING!" Kristoff fought her off. "I'm digging a snow anchor so we can lower ourselves down the cliff. There's fresh powder at the bottom, so if we fall, it'll be like landing on a pillow-"

"Oh, well that sounds-" Anna brightened.

"CASE," Kristoff finished.

"…HORRIBLE."

Loud cracks and crashes (and several curses) from the line of trees alerted them, and Kristoff stood, letting the rope play out.

"Okay, Anna," he told her, backing them up towards the drop. "We go on 'three'! ONE!"

"Alright, I got this!" Anna smirked with confidence and cracked her knuckles. "Bring it!"

"TWO!"

"Aw, yeah! Let's DO this! This cliff is my BITCH!"

"THREE!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Anna screeched, digging in her heels and refusing to budge. Kristoff rolled his eyes, gave her a rude shove off the cliff, and jumped after her. The snow anchor caught, and the two dangled down the cliff-face, slowly inching towards the bottom.

"Guys? Where are you?" Olaf waddled out of the trees, searching desperately along the edge of the drop-off for them. The huge security snowman also appeared, stomping towards Olaf and looming over him like a thunderhead. "Why, hello, Marshmallow! Can you held me find my friends?"

Marshmallow stared down at him for a long moment, then promptly booted him off the cliff. Olaf plummeted past Anna and Kristoff and waved.

"Thaaaaanks!"

"Olaf!" Anna cried.

"Hang in there, you guys!" Olaf called out as he fell.

"Okay I was wrong there ARE times when puns aren't appropriate!" Anna admitted. The rope they dangled from jerked, and suddenly they were being hauled up hand over hand by Marshmallow, who stood at the top.

"Like NOW?!" Kristoff snapped at her, struggling to stay upright. His head knocked against the rocky cliff and he yelped in pain. The pair was lifted level with Marshmallow's snarling face, eyes burning like hot coals.

"TAKE IT BAAACK!" he bellowed at them in fury.

"Alright, I'm sorry! You're NOT a soft-serve!" Anna shouted back. Marshmallow nodded in satisfaction. "…You're a SLUSHIE!" Quick as a flash, she drew a knife and cut herself and Kristoff free of the rope. They dropped down the cliff as the huge snowman burst into wailing tears and turned away.

"MOMMEEEE!"

*WHOOMF!*

"Totally…appropriate…" Anna panted out, stuck waist-deep in the fresh powder at the bottom of the cliff.

"But still…kinda mean…" Kristoff added wearily, sitting up and brushing himself off.

"And chasing us through the woods wasn't?!" Anna scowled over at him. "Wait where's Olaf-"

"Righ hurr!" The little snowman was halfway down Sven's mouth, his rump sticking in the air, one arm waving feebly. Sven wagged his tail at them.

"SVEN NO DON'T EAT THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN-" Kristoff forced the reindeer to cough him up and gargle from a nearby stream.

"…Little help?" Anna asked awkwardly, her legs still firmly stuck in the snow. "…And again with the frozen vagina. It will never be the same-"

"I am SO tempted to just leave you here," Kristoff stated, coming to stand over her.

"But you won't!" Anna smiled up at him cheekily. Kristoff couldn't help but smile back as he bent and pulled her free, sighing with resignation. "How's your head?" Anna asked as she fixed her skirts. "It looked like you hit it pretty hard-"

"WHO ARE YOU?!" Kristoff suddenly screamed in her face, eyes wide and confused. Anna froze in place, gaping at him. "WHO AM I?! WHERE IS- just kidding I'm fine-"

Anna smacked him.

"So…now what?" Kristoff asked, gingerly rubbing his sore head.

"Ohh…I…I don't know!" Anna dithered, beginning to pace in the snow. "Elsa…she kicked me out! But…I can't go back to Arendelle cuz it's still frozen and I can't go back to Elsa cuz that'll just be awkward oh NO what am I gonna DO maybe it'll help if I SING-"

"Anna, calm down!" Kristoff told her gently. "Your hair's gonna turn white with all that worrying-" The thin streak of white in Anna's hair suddenly expanded, becoming a thick lock. "OH GOD."

"What?"

"I didn't think it actually WOULD!"

"What are you talking abou-" Anna finally glanced down at her braid. "Oh my God LOOK what you DID!"

"How is that MY fault!" Kristoff shouted back.

"Because you are STRESSING ME OUT!" Anna stopped, panting. "…Actually it looks kinda cool. Yell at me some more."

"As much as I'd love to, I have to say no."

"But Elsa and me could be TWINSIES-"

"Anna, this is serious!" Kristoff took her by the shoulders and steered her around. "It's because Elsa struck you! You need help, Anna. Come with me, we're gonna go see my friends." He grabbed her hand and began to lead her off into the woods.

"The love experts?" Anna asked dubiously. "…The reindeer-"

"They're NOT reindeer!"

"What makes you think they can help me?"

"Cuz I have the hush money to prove-" Kristoff caught himself in time. "I mean…just a hunch!" They disappeared into the trees, Sven following and once again trying to devour Olaf, who giggled like a loon.

-Back with Elsa-

Elsa paced inside her ice palace, muttering to herself and shaking her head moodily.

"Get it together, girl! Control it! No singing! NONE! Not even humming!" She rubbed her arms and took a deep breath, trying to calm her frazzled nerves. The palace groaned around her, sharp spines of icicles growing from the walls as her mood darkened with uncertainty and fear. "No! Stop! Crap!" The icicles multiplied, increasing in size. "SHIT! STOP IT! GO AWAY!" More and more sprouted from the walls, floor, and ceiling, stretching towards her. "FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, I AM TELLING YOU TO ST- oh shit."

Elsa stood rigidly upright, arms clamped to her sides, completely surrounded by icicles, unable to move an inch without pricking herself.

"…I need therapy," she whimpered. And then she felt a sneeze coming on. "MOTHER-FU-"

-Back With Anna and Kristoff-

Anna and Kristoff had left the snowy hills behind, entering a dark valley with exposed dirt dotted with large rocks and boulders. Anna suddenly shivered and clutched her chest, grimacing.

"What's wrong?" Kristoff looked at her in concern. "You cold?" He moved to a small group of rocks by the roadside and beckoned her over. "Look, it's a hot air-vent in the rocks. You can warm up here."

"Wow, thanks," Anna hurried over, smiling at him. She held out her hands over the vent and sighed at the delicious heat wafting up through the cracks. "Ooh, it's so nice and-"

*WHOOF!*

A sudden blast of hot air shot Anna's skirts up over her head, leaving her snowman-print bloomers quite exposed. She squawked indignantly and struggled to push them back down.

"KRISTOFF YOU SON OF A-"

"I SWEAR THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION!" Kristoff cried in desperation, his eyes as wide as they could go and glued to her legs. "I AM NOT ENJOYING THIS TREMENDOUSLY!"

"HMPH!" Anna finally shoved her skirts back down and stalked back over to Olaf and Sven, fists clenched and her nose in the air. Kristoff joined her after a moment, awkwardly clearing his throat.

"So, um, listen, about my friends, they're more like…family. It was just me and Sven until they took us in." He paused. "Against our will. But anyway they're kinda loud and annoying and a total pain in the-" He broke off, staring thoughtfully at Anna. "Wow. No wonder I get on so well with you."

"Excuse me?" Anna gave him a rather dangerous look.

"Uh…nothing! Look! We're here!" He strode ahead into a mossy clearing and spread his arms wide. "Anna, Olaf…meet my family!"

The open surrounding was filled with a multitude of mossy gray boulders of various shapes and sizes, and little else. Sven trotted over and licked a rock happily.

Anna and Olaf stared in complete silence.

"…Oh he is going EAT us," Anna hissed under her breath. "And then he'll wear our skins as a DRESS."

"Okay, Anna," Olaf whispered back, "you distract him, I'll hit the whacko over the head with one of his 'brothers', and then we'll hide the body! Ready GO!" He threw himself to the ground and began slowly crawling his way behind Kristoff.

"H…hey, Kristoff!" Anna hesitantly called out. He looked at her, raising an eyebrow in question. Anna stood there for a moment, blinking, then simply raised her skirts again.

"…What're you doing?" Kristoff asked flatly.

"Um…distracting you?"

"…Well it's working. Keep doing it." Kristoff didn't even notice Olaf behind him, raising a rather large rock in his twiggy arms to clobber him senseless. Suddenly the rock trembled and shook, and Olaf gasped, dropping it. All the boulders in the clearing began to quiver and shake, and they rolled forward as one to surround the group. The rocks uncurled to reveal the little grey creatures from before; Trolls!

"KRISTOFF'S HOME!" one Troll squealed, and the rest immediately joined in, hopping up and down gleefully and breaking out the beer.

"Catch me, Kristoff! I'm as heavy as a stone!" A child Troll leapt onto Kristoff's lap and giggled.

"And you're crushing mine! Get off!" Kristoff groaned and shoved him away.

"Trolls!" Anna breathed in awe, staring at the creatures around her. "You're not crazy after all! Oh WOW and we were just about to kill you-"

"What?" Kristoff looked up.

"Nothing!" The Trolls all suddenly turned and stared at Anna, blinking in unison. She broke out in a cold sweat. "…Hi."

"…And he brought home a FEMALE!" Bulda, the female Troll who'd adopted Kristoff, shoved her way through the crowd and grabbed hold of Anna, inspecting her from head to toe. "Hmm, let's see! Good teeth, clear eyes, healthy color, nice, wide hips for the young-"

"For the WHAT?!" Anna sputtered, trying to pull away. "What am I, livestock?!"

"Frozen vagina, but we can work with that-"

"Kristoff, HELP!"

"You guys, stop!" Kristoff intervened. "I'm just helping her is all! Like a sweet little old lady crossing the street!" He paused. "Actually a super annoying hot old lady. But I'm still just helping her!"

"What's the problem, girl?" Bulda asked, eyeing Anna. "You don't have to hold yourself back!" She started to sing, with several other Trolls as backup.

Is it the slinky way he sits?

Or the stinky way he shits?

Or the pear-shaped, queer-shaped weirdness of his di-

"OKAY NO." Anna held up her hands, face blank. "No no. As much as I would LOVE to sing with you guys, really, I AM DYING." She paused. "Also that song sounded disgusting."

"Oh." Bulda blinked. "Well. Better hurry this up, then!" The group of Trolls quickly seized hold of Anna and Kristoff and decked them out in grass cloaks, necklaces of crystals, and crowns made of twigs and branches. Another group set up decorations in flash, digging a low altar for the pair, who were thrown in rather rudely. As they sat up, a Troll priest holding a book stepped forward and cleared his throat.

"Do you, Anna, take Kristoff as your Troll-fully wedded sex god-"

"WHOA WHAT WAIT HOLD THE SYRUP WHAT IS GOING ON HERE." Anna gaped in shock, utterly confused.

"…You're getting married, sweetie," the Troll Priest explained patiently.

"But…but she has ice in her heart!" Kristoff loudly protested. The Troll priest shrugged.

"Well, you can easily fix that with some hot and passionate lovin'-"

"No, I mean LITERALLY!" Anna shivered and almost fell over. Kristoff put an arm around her. "SEE?!"

"Okay, fine," the Troll priest huffed in irritation. "We can skip the ceremony and get right to the honeymoon-"

"GRAND PABBIE!" Kristoff shouted at the top of his voice. Immediately an old, wizened Troll with a stringy beard and mossy cape rolled through the crowd, the very same that had helped Anna as a child.

"What?!" he snapped grumpily. "I was trying to pass a load of stones but I am SO constipated-"

"OH GOD HELLLP!" Kristoff begged, shaking Anna's limp form. "SHE'S SO COLD SHE'S GONNA DIEEE!"

"…Well I just shit myself." The old Troll blinked. "Come here, girl."

"…Do I have to?" Anna made a face until Kristoff shoved her over. Grand Pabbie gently took her hands in his and looked her in the eyes. "Wait did you wash those-"

"Anna," he said firmly, "your life is in danger. There is ice in your heart, put there by your sister, Elsa. You will freeze to solid ice unless you thaw your frozen heart with an act of true love."

"A true love's kiss, perhaps?" one Troll piped up, then began frenching the Troll beside it. Anna made another face.

"Alright, that just sounds ridiculous-" She gave a violent shudder, and nearly all of her hair faded to white. "OKAY WHO WANTS A KISS?!"

"I do! Me me me!" Several of the male Trolls raised their hands and waved with enthusiasm.

"Meee- I mean…" Kristoff lowered his hand and cleared his throat. "We have to get you to your fiancée!"

"Oh! Right! To…uh…" Anna frowned and snapped her fingers, desperately trying to recall his name. "Uhhh…"

"…Hans?" Kristoff prompted.

"Yeah! That's it! Hans!" Anna smiled and pointed at him. "I knew it started with an 'H'! Come on, let's go!"

Kristoff quickly helped her out of the grass cape and crown and got on Sven's back, lifting her up onto his lap. Olaf hopped on as well as the reindeer snorted and shot off, heading for Arendelle.

"…I can't believe you forgot his NAME," Kristoff muttered under his breath. "Wait actually I can you barely know him-"

"I would have remembered it eventually!" Anna snapped back.

"I'll kiss you, Anna!" Olaf offered.

-At Elsa's Ice Palace-

Hans and his team of volunteers cautiously approached the towering ice palace, eyeing the shining walls and steeples with undisguised awe. Hans reined his horse to a stop at the foot of the icy stairs and turned in the saddle to address the group.

"Alright, men," he said calmly, "we are looking for Princess Anna-"

A nearby pile of snow suddenly twitched and stood up, Marshmallow bellowing murderously upon seeing the intruders. The men all shrieked in fear and their horses balked, whinnying. Hans simply blinked.

"…Alright we are looking for Anna's CORPSE-"

"You're not on the list!" Marshmallow roared, barreling towards them with a ferocious snarl-

"Could you double check?" Hans asked politely. Marshmallow froze in place, towering over him like an avalanche. With agonizing slowness, he raised one snowy arm and-

Pulled out a clipboard with a list of names.

"FINE." The huge snowman grumbled as he flipped through the pages. "Name?"

"Hans? Of the Southern Isles?" Hans said, dismounting his horse. "South Hans? HANS-some? Anything?" More grumbles from Marshmallow as he searched.

The Duke of Weselton's two lackeys took advantage of the distraction to sneak behind the creature, tip-toeing up the ice-stairs and through the double-doors. Elsa gasped as the two men entered her palace and quickly retreated, heading for the second floor.

"At least they can't get up the stairs- OH SHIT THEY HAVE CRAMPONS!" She squealed and scrambled up the stairs with her skirts in her arms, the men following close behind. All three emerged on the second floor, Elsa whirling to face them, hands raised pleadingly.

"Stop! Leave me alone, please!" she begged.

"Holy SHIT she's hot!" The lackey with a beard hesitated, a crossbow in hand. "I…I can't do it! I can't attack her!"

"Well I can!" the other lackey, without a beard, shot back. "I'm gay!"

"Well that explains the nail polish obsession-"

"Shut up!" The beardless lackey leveled the crossbow at Elsa. "It's a shame about the dress, sweetheart! Blood is SO hard to get out of fabric!"

He pulled the trigger, and the bolt shot towards her. Elsa barely managed to block it with a wave of ice, and her face hardened in anger. She fought back, another wave of ice throwing the man against the wall and pinning him there with needle-sharp icicles. The bearded lackey moved to attack as well, and Elsa turned on him, summoning a solid sheet of ice to shove him back through the balcony doors, pushing him perilously close to the edge. The beardless lackey gasped in horror.

"No don't I love him!" he cried aloud.

"Wha…really?" The other lackey stopped struggling and gaped at him dreamily. "You…never said!"

"Uh…do you two need a moment?" Elsa stood off to the side awkwardly, blinking.

Back at the foot of the stairs, Hans was still arguing with Marshmallow.

"Hansolo? Little H? Nothing? Really?"

"I'm telling you, you're NOT on the list!" Marshmallow shook the clipboard at him. Hans raised an eyebrow.

"You know what? I just thought of something." His eyes glittered dangerously. "Are YOU on the list?"

"Uh…uh…" Marshmallow searched desperately down the list of names, flustered and sputtering. "I…I'm…NOT!" He dropped the clipboard and burst into a fresh wave of tears as he threw himself off the nearby ledge, wailing all the way down. Hans rolled his eyes.

"That snowman was abominable." No-one laughed. "…I wish Anna was here SHE would have laughed. Come on, men!" He and the others charged towards the ice castle, through the front doors and up the stairs to- "WHOA!" Hans and his men screeched to halt.

The two lackeys were making out. Elsa stood quietly to the side, face blank.

"Help me," she begged them. "They won't stop."

"HEY!" Hans shouted, clapping his hands together. "Knock it off! This fic is rated Teen! Keep it clean!"

One of the lackeys' crossbows (which they were still holding) suddenly went off with a crack, shooting towards the ceiling. The lackey gaped at it in shock.

"…I swear that's never happened to me before-"

"WHAT'D I JUST SAY-"

The bolt hit the base of the crystalline chandelier, and the beautiful ornament fell and hit the floor with a splintering crash. Elsa was thrown back by the force of it, struck her head, and everything went black.

-A Short While Later-

Elsa slowly regained consciousness, her head throbbing and a dull ringing in her ears. She groaned and sat up, cracking an eye open. She was in a small bed in a cramped, dark cell, the only light coming from a barred window nearby. Elsa staggered to her feet and was stopped short by strange iron manacles encasing her hands, chains trailing to the floor. She stared at them, dumbfounded.

"…How am I supposed to pee like this?" Elsa twisted the chains out of the way and peeked out the narrow window. Through the frosted glass, she could see Arendelle's frozen harbor, the ships still locked in a thick layer of ice. "OH GOD ICE IS JUST FROZEN WATER NOW I REALLY HAVE TO GO-" She turned away, searching for the chamber pot-

Which Hans was in the middle of using.

"AUUUUUUGH!"

"AUUUUUUGH!" Hans jumped in fright, his back to her. He glanced over his shoulder at Elsa. "Oh God I'm sorry I just- gimme a minute- I didn't have a chance the whole time we were climbing the mountain and I drank a lot of hot chocolate-"

"I don't CARE!" Elsa screeched at him, whirling around and covering her eyes as best she could with her strange manacles. "Just STOP!"

"Okay, done!" Hans finally finished, zipping his fly and turning to Elsa. "Phew, talk about an introduction! So!" He coughed awkwardly. "I'm Hans, if you don't remember, and I-" He extended a hand toward Elsa, which she stared at with utter disgust. "Oh, right, I haven't washed-"

"No, I have HAND CAGES," Elsa snapped, glaring at him. "Plus I hate you already."

"Oh yeah that too WOW I am horrible at this-" Hans cleared his throat. "Anyway! Queen Elsa. Please, stop this winter. Bring summer back to Arendelle."

"Don't you see?!" Elsa shook her head helplessly. "I can't!" Hans stared at her in remorse.

"…Not even if I say please?"

"No!"

"…Pretty please?"

"NO!"

"…Pretty please with a cherry-"

"GET OUT OF MY CELL!"

"…Well I would," Hans said, glancing down, "but it appears I am frozen to the floor." Elsa blinked, and was startled to see that he indeed was, and frost was creeping around the small room, mirroring her mood. She let out a sigh.

"Hot water usually works."

-With Anna-

Anna shivered in Kristoff's lap, the pair of them riding down the mountain on Sven's back as the reindeer thundered through the snow. Olaf was sliding through the powder on his stomach beside them, easily keeping pace.

"S…speeding!" Anna whispered feebly, her face deathly pale.

"Give it a rest!" Kristoff huffed. "I'll add the ticket to your bill!" He took off his bonnet and tugged it over her head with care.

"Oh ew did you fart on this too?"

"No!" Kristoff frowned down at her. "…I threw up in it once though."

"EWWWW-"

Sven finally reached the end of the tree-line and burst into Arendelle, the once-bustling town now empty, silent, and deeply covered in layers of snow.

"See you guys at the castle!" Olaf began to slip off to the side.

"Stay out of sight!" Kristoff called after him.

"Sure thing!" The little snowman disappeared behind a row of houses and immediately ran into a large group of people. "…Hello, strangers!"

There was a short pause.

"KILL THE CREATURE!"

"…Poop."

Sven galloped to the palace's front gates, where Kristoff quickly dismounted and took Anna in his arms, hurrying to the doors.

"You…gonna be okay…without me?" Anna asked through chattering teeth.

"Oh I am gonna be GREAT- I mean…don't worry about me, Anna." He smiled down at her, and she smiled back, warmed by his kindness. "But just to be on the safe side, you might wanna write an order for my new sled right away in case you die-" He cut off in a piercing shriek as Anna stuck her ice-cold hands down his shirt. "Okay take her TAKE HER-"

The servants Kai and Gerda had rushed out the gates, the latter gently helping Anna inside towards the palace.

"Get her to Hans!" Kristoff called after them. Anna gave him one last worried glance over her shoulder. "And make sure he kisses the crap outta her!" He paused. "And then someone slug him in the face for me!"

"My pleasure!" Kai grinned, cracking his knuckles. He bowed politely and closed the gates. Kristoff let out a long, relieved sigh and turned away.

"Thank GOD that's over!" He skipped merrily away down the street, humming a happy tune. "Come on, Sven! Let's go home!"

Sven didn't move, frowning at the gates, then frowning at Kristoff's retreating back. The reindeer snorted, shook his head in annoyance, and reluctantly followed after Kristoff.

-Inside the Palace-

Anna was hustled through the quiet palace halls to a sitting room with couches and a roaring fire in the fireplace. Hans leapt to his feet as she entered, other foreign dignitaries also in the room.

"Hans!" Anna cried, staggering in.

"Anna!" Hans rushed to her side. "You're so cold! And your hair…were you making snow angels again-"

"Hans, I need you to kiss me!" Anna cut in, grabbing him by the sideburns.

"Anna wait-"

"With tongue!"

"OKAY WHOA SLOW DOWN!" Hans struggled in her grip as the servants hurriedly got everyone else out of the room before they started disrobing. "Anna, what happened-"

"I don't have time to explain!" Anna cried impatiently.

"Just TRY-"

"ELSA! ME! ICE! HEART! TRUE LOVE! PUCKER UP!"

"Ohhhhhh." Hans blinked in understanding and without another word, gently carried her over to the nearby couch. "I get it now. A true love's kiss, to melt the frozen heart."

"Yes. Please, Hans." Anna nodded and closed her eyes in anticipation. Hans closed his as well, and leaned in close. Anna's breath caught as their lips brushed-

"Oh, Anna. If only I were straight."

Anna's eyes snapped open, and she stared at Hans in disbelief, who smirked back at her.

"…WHAT."

Hans didn't answer, instead standing and casually walking over to the window.

"But…you said…you loved me!" Anna choked out, her mind still reeling. "…We sang a song about it!"

"And you actually thought I ENJOYED that?" Hans snorted and rolled his eyes. "Honey, please! As thirteenth in line, I knew I had to find a beard and marry into the throne, and when I heard all about your stupid singing, I knew it would be the easiest way to get you to fall in love with me. And you know what? It WORKED!"

"You're a monster!" Anna gasped. Hans closed the curtains and moved around the room, extinguishing candles, lowering the thermostat- "What are you doing?!"

"Just a little Feng Shui," he told her, shrugging. "The atmosphere's a little too…WARM in here."

"No! Stop!" Anna dragged herself off the couch and tried to stop him as he doused the fire in the hearth.

"Now all that's left is to KILL Elsa, and take the throne!" Hans chuckled darkly, adjusting his gloves.

"You're no match for Elsa!" Anna hissed out, glaring up at him. Hans knelt and lightly pinched her cheek.

"Oh, I'll admit her fashion sense has certainly improved, but GIRL, just wait until you see ME in that dress."

"…OH GOD YOU'LL LOOK FABULOUS." Anna gaped at him, eyes wide with horror. Hans rose and started for the door. "You…you'll never get away with this!"

"I already have," Hans laughed, opening the door and ducking through. "Oh, and Anna…" He poked his head back in and smirked one last time. "White is just NOT your color." The door closed with a loud SLAM, and was locked shortly after.

"Oh yeah well your colors are black and blue! Come back here so you can wear them!" Anna hollered, crawling to the door and uselessly jiggling the handle. She collapsed against the doorframe, shuddering as the rest of her hair faded to white. "Son...of a…bitch!" She huddled there, shivering, stoking her inner furnaces of anger and hatred to keep herself alive.

-In the Palace Meeting Room-

The foreign dignitaries and servants were gathered in the palace's meeting room, muttering worriedly around the long, rectangular table. They looked up as Hans entered, wracked with sobs of grief and tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Anna's DEAD!" He cried aloud, and everyone gasped. ""She's dead! She just died in my arms! Like a beautiful little candle being snuffed out!"

"What? But…" Kai was at a loss for words. "What…happened?!"

"It was Elsa!" Hans sat heavily in a chair, cradling his head in his hands. "She was so jealous of our undying love that she killed her- and also cuz she wouldn't stop singing- but she killed her alright! Killed her dead! So very, very dead!" He paused, sniffling. "…Did…did I mention she's dead?"

"…Several times, actually-" Gerda began.

"Because she IS! Dead, I mean. As in, NOT BREATHING. Nope. So there is no reason for anyone to go back into the sitting room for, say, an hour or so. NONE. …What with her being dead and all." Hans wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. "At least…we were able to recite our marriage vows…before I totally tapped that…and then she died."

"…It was that good-"

"I don't know if I can go on without her my life has no meaning now that she's GONE-" Hans broke down in sobs, covering his face with his hands. "HHHNNNGGGHHH-"

"Prince Hans," the Duke of Weselton said in a quiet voice, "with Anna gone, Arendelle looks to you-"

"Well alright." Hans sat up straight, face completely composed. "If you insist. Okay, FIRST decree, I charge Elsa with treason." He looked at the others. "We should totally kill her." He paused. "Like, right now." Another pause. "I can do it myself-"

"Uh, well-"

"Because as we all know, Anna is dead because of her. Totally dead. SUPER DEAD. Like one out of ten, she's ELEVEN DEAD-"

"Alright, alright! Just SHUT UP!"

-In the Dungeon-

Elsa was hopping up and down, still urgently needing to pee, as the frost and ice continued to spread through the small dungeon, her hand-shackles cracking in the cold. She gave them an experimental tug before angry voices came from the hall, guards crowding around the door.

"She's in here!"

"Let's give it to her!"

"And not flowers this time!"

"D…don't come in!" Elsa cried desperately, yanking at the chains. "I'm… peeing!"

There was a short silence from behind the door.

"…Oh, goodness," one of the men finally answered. "How rude of us. Please, take your time."

"We're not listening!" another called. "Just do your thing!"

"Why would you say that? Now you're gonna make her nervous-"

Elsa gave one last, hard tug, and the hand-shackles shattered, freeing her. The stone wall was next to go, cracking open easily in the cold, and she dashed out onto the frozen fjord, a winter blizzard instantly whipping up out of nowhere.

"What are you idiots doing out here in the hall?!" Hans barked.

"Sorry, sir, she was peeing, and we didn't want to rush-"

"MOVE!" Hans shoved past them and kicked the door open. Seeing the broken manacles on the floor and crumbled wall beyond, he cursed and angrily stomped a foot-

Hitting the chamber pot.

"OH GOD EW ALL OVER MY NEW BOOTS!"

-On the Edge of Arendelle-

Kristoff and Sven had reached the tree-line, the reindeer's hooves dragging in the snow as he followed after the young man. Casting another sad look back at the frozen town below, Sven's eyes suddenly narrowed, and he charged past Kristoff, blocking his way in a huff.

"Hey! Sven, come on. Move." Kristoff frowned at him. Sven grunted back and tossed his head. "Hey! Do NOT take that tone with me, young reindeer!" He crossed his arms firmly. Sven just waited, staring him down. "…NO! We are NOT going back! I do NOT care about Anna that much! In fact, I'm GLAD she's gone! She was nothing but trouble! She's with her true love!" Sven continued to wait. Kristoff's frown deepened. "Look, Sven, I don't care HOW long you stare at me like that I am NOT going to ALRIGHT YES I LOVE HER, OKAAAY?! I LOVE HER STUPID PUNS AND HER SINGING AND HOW SHE ALMOST GETS ME KILLED ALL THE TIME AND I JUST LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER! Alright?! Is THAT what you wanna hear?! HUH?!"

He stopped, panting for breath, and realized Sven wasn't replying because the animal was gaping at something in the distance. Kristoff whirled around and gasped as huge storm clouds appeared over Arendelle, blanketing the entire town in a fog of white.

"Oh, this shit has got 'Anna' written ALL over it!" he cried. Sven leapt forward, scooping him up in his antlers, and shot back down the mountainside towards the town. "OKAY MAYBE I DON'T REALLY LOVE HER ALL THAT MUCH!" He paused. "…GODAMMIT YES I DO."

-With Anna-

Anna was still huddled by the door, muttering swears under her breath and shivering, the sitting room dark and cold around her. She tried a new tactic, weakly singing a song.

"It's…getting hot in here…so take off…all your clothes…" She groaned. "This isn't working I'm STILL freezing." A sudden noise from the chimney caught her attention, and she turned to stare at it suspiciously. "…San…ta?"

"HO HO HOOOOO!" Olaf came tumbling down the chimney, landing with a splat in a pile of ash.

"…I'll take it!"

"Anna!" Olaf got to his stubby feet and hurried to her side, carefully helping her next to the empty fireplace. "Where's Hans? I expected you two to be making sweet love right here by now-"

"I was…wrong about him," Anna managed around chattering teeth. "He's a total scrub- wait if you expected us to be doing that then why would you come down the-"

*WHOOF!*

"Eeek!" Anna fell over backwards, the logs in the hearth bursting to flame as Olaf kindled the fire. "Olaf, no! Be careful!"

"So THIS is heat…" Olaf gasped in awe, his eyes wide, reflecting the inviting flames flickering before him. He moved closer.

"No, don't! Get away!"

"It's…so…beautiful…" The snowman reached towards the fire in a daze.

"I SAID GET AWAY FROM THERE, YOU STUPID CHILD-EATING SNOWMAN!" Anna paused, blinking in surprise at the outburst. "…Sorry."

"No! Don't be!" Olaf told her. "Get mad! Whatever keeps you warm!"

"Anyway!" Anna shook her head, huddling towards the heat of the flames. "I was wrong about Hans. It…wasn't true love." Her eyes fell to the ground in shame. "I don't even know what love is…"

"Well…that's okay! We can just…look it up!" Olaf pulled out a dictionary and quickly flipped through the pages. "Hmm…let's see…L…L…Love! Right here! Love is…putting someone's needs before you own! You know, like, how Kristoff brought you here and dumped you off to be with Hans forever while he went home to cry himself to sleep!" Anna blinked.

"You mean…Kristoff…loves me?" She asked uncertainly.

"Well, yeah," Olaf replied, closing the book. "…That or he just really hates you."

"Well which is it?!"

"I dunno! You'll just have to kiss him, won't you?"

"But…but…" Anna considered it for a moment. "M'alright."

The window on the other side of the room suddenly burst open, a cold, snowy wind howling inside. Olaf yelped in panic and ran to close it.

"I got it, I got it!" An icicle fell from the eaves above and shot in through the window, jamming into his eye-socket and out the other side. Olaf screamed bloody murder, twiggy army scrabbling at the icicle stabbing into his head.

"OH GOD OLAF!" Anna was too frozen in horror move.

"AAAUUUU- just kidding can't feel pain remember?" Olaf winked at her with his one working eye.

"We'll see about that, you little shit!" Anna started crawling towards him, intent on revenge.

"Hey, wait! I think I see something! Something in the distance…" Olaf closed his eye and squinted through the icicle in his head, using it as a built-in telescope. "It's…Kristoff and Sven! They're coming back! And they're heading this way!" He paused. "He has GOT to wash that hair-"

"Olaf! Help me up!" Anna was struggling to stand. "I have to get to Kristoff!"

"Why?" Olaf asked, confused. "To return his hat?"

"NO, so I can kiss him to get back at Hans- I mean…break the curse or whatever. True love shit. Let's GO!" Olaf took her hand, easily picked the door's lock with his carrot-nose, and the two ran out into the darkened hallway. They gasped as frost crept over the walls and ceiling, sharp icicles sprouting from the floor and blocking their path.

"Wow, this castle really needs some new interior decorating, it's so cold and lifeless in here-"

"That's because of the ice, moron!" Anna hollered at the snowman. "We're trapped in here!"

Down on the frozen fjord below, Elsa fought her way through the howling blizzard, struggling to see where she was running. Lost, she raised a hand to-

"Alright who the HELL painted my nails- oh but they look really nice-" She shrugged and continued to run blindly around on the ice.

"Sorry, mom!" Anna said aloud as she kicked out one of the upper windows. She and Olaf slipped through the broken pane and slid down the roof to the courtyard below. Anna staggered towards the front gates, the wind and cold threatening to consume her. She shivered with fear and sadness upon seeing her beloved town blanketed in bone-chilling snow and ice. Olaf helped her down to the fjord's edge, where she started across the frozen water. Anna gasped as she watched a thin film of blue, sparkling ice spread over her bare hands. "Ugh, I knew I shoulda worn my mittens!"

"Anna!" On the opposite side of the fjord, Kristoff and Sven started across the great expanse of ice as well. With a thunderous groan, one of the large ships trapped in the ice broke free, falling towards them. Sven snorted and increased speed, narrowly dodging the ship as it fell and crashed through the ice. "Nice job, buddy!" Kristoff told him, patting his shoulder. "I'll just continue to hold on and let YOU do all the work-"

Sven rudely bucked him off, sending him flying forward through the air.

"AW COME ON I WAS KIDDING!" Kristoff hit the ice and scrambled up to see Sven plunge into the freezing water opened by the falling ship. "SVEN! …I think that's the first time you've ever bathed-" Sven emerged with a splash, grunting as he climbed onto a small iceberg and shook himself off. "OhmiGod your coat looks amazing- I mean… stay, boy! I'll be right back!" Kristoff turned and ran off into the blizzard, searching for Anna.

Elsa was still lost. The freezing winds screamed in her ears as she wandered the fjord, growing more and more afraid with every step. Suddenly Kristoff burst out of the snow right in front of her.

"Anna! I love you! Kiss me!" Kristoff seized Elsa and hauled her close, trying to kiss her.

"Whoa! Stop!" Elsa sputtering, shoving him back. "Get off!"

"What? Oh." Kristoff blinked and put her down. "Sorry, wrong sister!" He dashed back into the snowstorm. "Anna, where ARE you? Say 'Polo'! Marco! Marcooo!" Elsa watched him go, a confused look on her face.

"…What the hell was THAT about?"

"Beats me!" Hans said, standing right behind her.

"AUUUUGGGH!" Elsa jumped a foot. "Stop…DOING that!" She turned to flee. "Just…take care of my sister!"

"Oh, I will," Hans assured her. "The funeral is going to be lovely-"

"WHAT?" Elsa stopped, staring back at him in shock.

"Yeah, we're gonna have white roses and chocolate and this great band that's gotten really good reviews and I'm gonna sing a little speech about how cute her puns always were-"

"Shut up! Stop! Hold ON!" Elsa took a deep breath. "What do you mean, FUNERAL? Why would Anna need-"

"Cuz she's dead."

"What? No!" Elsa gasped, feeling faint. "But she…I…who killed her?!"

"Hoo, boy, THIS is awkward," Hans groaned, rubbing his neck.

"WHY-"

"Cuz YOU did."

Elsa fell to her knees with a strangled cry, and the raging blizzard was instantly swept back, billowing away, the air and surrounding town eerily calm and quiet.

"H…huh?" So cold she could barely move, Anna blinked at the sudden calm. She squinted her eyes, seeing something in the distance. "…Kristoff?" He was still far away, but had caught sight of her and was hurrying towards her. Anna glanced to the side, and saw a figure huddled on the ice. "…Elsa?" Hans was approaching her from behind, a sword in his hand. Then Anna looked down. "And…A FIVE DOLLAR BILL?! I could buy COFFEE with that! OH GOD, HOW WILL I EVER CHOOSE?!" She paused, so desperately torn between the three things. Finally, she made a choice. "Ugggghhh, Elsa, you owe me five dollars!" She forced herself to change direction and hobbled towards her sister.

"Anna!" Kristoff watched her turn away in disbelief. "Wait no that's the wrong way- OH YEAH FINE I DIDN'T WANT TO KISS YOU ANYWAY!" He broke down in sniffles. "Got my hopes up for nothing…"

Hans smirked triumphantly as he raised the sword to slay Elsa, who didn't notice amidst her sorrow. Suddenly Anna was there, throwing herself between the pair, one arm coming up in protest, middle finger firmly extended.

"FUCK YOU, HANS!" she cried, and in that moment, the ice in her heart spread, and in mere seconds she was a beautiful blue ice sculpture, frozen for all of time. Hans' sword hit Anna's middle finger, the weapon shattering, and he was violently flung back with a cry. Elsa looked up at the sound and felt her world fall apart.

"Anna! NO!" She leapt up and threw her arms around her sister, sobbing in grief. Kristoff stood off to the side, slumped in despair. Olaf and Sven joined him, faces heavy with sorrow.

"Oh, Anna…" Olaf sniffled. "At least we know she was never one to freeze in the face of danger-"

"ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING PUNS!" Kristoff exploded. "…I miss her so much."

"Anna…I'm so sorry," Elsa whimpered, holding her tight. "I kept it a secret for so long, because I was so ashamed, but…but…" She leaned forward to whisper in her sister's ear. "…I always wanted to sing with you!" She lay her head on Anna's shoulder and wept.

Warmth spread over Anna's body, starting in her heart, then spreading to the rest of her. The ice slowly thawed and faded away, leaving Anna healthy and whole once more, her skin a healthy pink, her hair reddish-brown as before. She smiled at Elsa and pulled her close for a hug.

"Sounds like a duet!" Anna said brightly, winking. "Pun intended!"

"Anna!" everyone cried happily and crowded in. Kristoff briefly considered demanding his kiss but decided not to ruin the tender moment.

"You…sacrificed yourself for me?" Elsa asked in disbelief. Anna shrugged like it was nothing.

"I love you," she said plainly. "Plus I really wanted to get back at that asshole Hans WHERE IS HE-"

"An act of true love will thaw a frozen heart!" Olaf gasped, eyes wide with wonder. "Talk about plot twists! I did NOT see that coming! I wonder who the murderer will turn out to be?"

"WHAT." Kristoff stared down at him.

"I'll bet it's Sven-"

"Seriously stop talking."

"Love will thaw…" Elsa repeated, a light of understanding in her eyes. "Of course…LOVE!" She beamed at Anna, then turned and raised her arms. Everyone gasped as the ice beneath their feet began to melt, revealing a large ship under them. The frozen fjord thawed, as well as the town of Arendelle, the snow melting away and summer returning to the land. Flowers and grass sprung to life once again as the snow coalesced into one enormous snowflake that rose over the town and exploded into dazzling bits before fading away.

"…And from this one scene," Kristoff stated, "hundreds of incestuous fanfics were born. Literally. Hundreds." Olaf grinned up at him. Kristoff scowled in disgust. "You and your fucking PUNS." He paused. "…I better get used to them."

"I knew you could do it!" Anna laughed, taking Elsa's hand.

"I'm so excited I peed a little!" Olaf cried. "…Actually, a lot." He had a large puddle beneath him.

"Ew Olaf that is disgus- OH GOD HE'S MELTING!"

"Whoa, there! Hold on!" With a twirl of her fingers, Elsa revived Olaf and created a tiny snow-cloud floating above his head.

"My very own personal flurry!" he squealed happily. "I'll call it…my iCloud!" Kristoff leaned over and whispered in his ear. "What do you MEAN lawsuit? Okay, fine, how about…Mcflurry-" Kristoff whispered again. "GoshDANG it all the good ones are taken!" He pulled out his thesaurus and began searching for a new name.

A muffled groan made them all turn to see Hans slowly sitting up, wincing in pain. Kristoff's face darkened as he started for him, but Anna caught his arm and hissed.

"Don't you DARE rob me of this pleasure- I mean…I got this, honey."

"Huh?" Hans looked up to find Anna glaring at him murderously. "A…Anna? But you…uh…I thought you…" He cleared his throat and weakly began to sing. "L…love is an unlocked do-"

"I don't think so, Hans. Cuz for the FIRST time in foreverrr," Anna cut him off, eyes flashing with anger, "I'm gonna KIIIICK your FUHHHH-KING ASS!" She promptly slugged him, and he tumbled backwards over the railing of the boat and hit the water with a splash. "…Okay someone fish him outta there I am SO not done! I got five more verses right here!" She held up her fist and growled.

"He wasn't good enough for you, anyway!" Elsa laughed, giving her a warm hug.

"Ugh, and those sideburns!" Anna gagged. "What was I thinking?!" Behind her, Kristoff made a mental note to shave. "Now, about that duet…"

-Some Time Later-

The many foreign dignitaries who had come to Arendelle for Elsa's coronation were finally leaving, their large ships pulling away from the docks and departing back to their own lands. Hans was rudely shoved into the brig of one such ship, the door locked firmly shut by the foreign dignitary himself.

"I will return this brat to his country," the man said to Kai in a thick accent. "We will see what his older brothers think of his behavior." He paused. "He is in for a LOT of wedgies."

"I dunno, Anna already gave him quite a few-" Kai began, then caught sight of several soldiers leading the Duke of Weselton along the docks.

"You cannot do this to me!" the skinny man cried, moustache bristling in outrage. "You can't stop these sick moves, playah!" He broke into some of his violent dancing, and the soldiers gasped in fear.

"He's resisting! Get him!" They all dog-piled on him, breaking one brittle hip, and quickly trussed him up. The soldiers hauled him sputtering to his feet as Kai walked up, an official document in his hands.

"I have a message from the Queen, for the Duke of WEASEL Town," he told the Duke, then read aloud from the paper. "Enjoy the MAKEOVER."

"What?! What the devil does that- OH NO." Behind Kai were the Duke's two lackeys, grinning widely and holding a comb, scissors and makeup.

"…I'm thinking a PERM-"

"And I know just the color for his nails-"

"NOOOOO!"

The cry echoed all the way into the town, where Anna giggled as she led a blindfolded Kristoff through the bustling streets.

"Come on, come on!" she urged, tugging at his hand. "We're almost there!" She was so excited she didn't even notice that she kept running him into poles.

*THUD!* "OW-" *THUD!* "OW-" *THUD!* "OW- okay can anyone ELSE please lead me?!" Kristoff begged, his nose bleeding a little. "This was a horrible idea!"

"It was YOUR idea."

"Well it was a GOOD idea before I knew you'd be the one leading-" *THUD!* "OW! How many poles are on this street?!"

"Oh, they've all been the same one."

"WHAT?!"

"We're here!" Anna cried, whipping off his blindfold. "You can look now!"

"…I can't," Kristoff said quietly. "My eyes are swollen shut."

"They are not!"

Kristoff huffed to himself and peeked at the surprise. He gasped at the sight of a brand new sled, the dark wood glistening and runners shining in the sunlight. Sven even strutted over with a sexy walk to show it off. "Oh Anna it's amazing- Sven are you wearing lipstick?" He shook his head, completely overwhelmed. "Wait. Are those…flames?"

"That depends," Anna replied, giving him a look. "Are those tears?"

"Yes they are and I am not ashamed-"

"So anyway the Queen's named you two the official Ice Master and Deliverer!" Anna paused. "Which means you'll be out of a job for half the year but-"

"I LOVE it, Anna!" Kristoff snatched her up and spun her around, laughing in glee. "I could kiss you!"

"I could throw up right now!"

"Oh! Sorry!" He quickly put her back down, then shuffled his feet nervously. "So…um…could I?"

"…Throw up?" Anna asked, confused.

"No! KISS you!"

"Okay sure Sven lemme borrow that lipstick-"

"OH MY GOD I KNEW IT-"

"Shut up and kiss me, stupid!"

Kristoff was happy to oblige.

Elsewhere in the town, Olaf strolled along the rows of houses, oohing and aahing in delight.

"Oh, I just love summer it's so warm and pretty and the smells- OOH!" He stopped next to a small pail of flowers and leaned close, inhaling deeply- "Ga-CHOO!" …And sneezing explosively. Olaf sniffled and choked for breath, his eyes itching and watering. "OH GOD I HAVE ALLERGIES I HATE SUMMER THIS IS THE WORST-."

Sven suddenly appeared next to him and bit off his carrot-nose with a loud CHOMP.

"You saved me! Thanks, buddy!" Olaf squealed in delight and hugged him. The reindeer just rolled his eyes and kept chewing.

In the castle's courtyard, Elsa smiled mischievously at the townsfolk gathered around her and winked.

"Are you ready?" She asked aloud. At their answering cheer, she lifted a foot and stomped, a layer of ice spreading wide to cover the courtyard completely, transforming it into the perfect skating rink. "We're never closing the gates again!" She watched with satisfaction as the townsfolk spread out and began to skate, enjoying the-

"INCOMING!" Anna came barreling across the ice on an unsteady pair of skates, slamming into her with the force of a full-body hockey check. The girls collapsed in a heap. "…That's the only way I know how to stop."

Elsa just let her head fall back and laughed.

"I'll give you lessons!" Kristoff offered as he slid past, holding tight to Sven's tail while the reindeer farted and clopped around.

"I'll pass!" Anna called after him, wincing.

"Yay, puns!" Olas giggled and skated around them, performing a marvelous triple axle. Elsa smiled as she watched Anna totter away to join them, wind-milling her arms to keep her balance.

"I'm glad she learned her lesson…" Elsa sighed happily, perfectly content.

"Elsa! Elsa! Guess what?! Kristoff and I are getting MARRIED!"

"…Godammit, Anna."

-The End-

Disclaimer: I don't own Frozen!

Author's Note: That was SO much fun to write! Thanks for reading! I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much I did writing it! I didn't want to parody the Fixer-Upper song (it's a little too long and complicated) so I just decided to cut it out. And thanks to my sister for helping me with Hans' line to Anna! I was struggling with what to have him say when she suggested, "If only I were straight."

I don't really plan on doing any more parodies of Disney movies, though I did consider Tangled for a moment or two. If I ever did decide to parody it, it would be quite a while from now, when I actually have some free time!

Thanks again for reading, reviews are welcome!