This was supposed to be smexy times with Levi/Erwin, Levi/Petra and Levi/Eren but then it proceeded to degenerate until it turned into this and exploded and I'm embarrassed. This took two months to write and it was frustrating the entire way and I still don't feel like I accomplished what I was trying to do but I give up now *lies down forever*

If I mangled names sorry but I don't care anymore.

Also slight spoilers for A Choice With No Regrets. As in I read the first chapter but haven't read any further so as not to influence myself as I was writing this drivel.

Carpathia: The RMS Carpathia famously rescued the survivors of the Titanic after the Titan sank, only to end up sinking itself several years later.

When a person drowns it is not the actual drowning that is so terrifying. Rather it is what precedes drowning: the panic, the desperation, the fear, the struggle, the frenzied fight for air. It is only until one gives up and allows their lungs to become full of water that it becomes quick and silent.

The worst part about drowning is that you get to fight it until the very end. And it hurts like hell the entire time.

He learns quickly when using the 3DMG gear not to allow yourself to hit the ground unless you're intending to stop. Being that low makes you vulnerable and on top of which you have to expend a large amount of gas just to get back up. To insure he gets the most out of his gas, a rare commodity in the underground, he stays in the air. It's where he feels most comfortable anyway.

The first time he hits the ground – really hits the ground - he's been caught. They press his face into the puddle and the dirt on his face bothers him more than the putrid water entering his nasal passageways and dripping into his lungs.

"Join me."

Levi knows a tainted deal when he hears one. He thinks about spitting into the blonde's face but he's too hygienic for that. He settles for glowering silence instead.

It is only until they threaten his companions that he gives. Levi values others lives over his own. He isn't a self sacrificing idiot but he wasn't willing to put others lives at risk for his own selfish desires.

"Very well."

The blond smiles at him, a real smile, and Levi rethinks his decision not to spit into his face.

The blond - Erwin is his name Levi remembers - is the exact opposite of Levi. He views sacrifice as a necessity and by sacrifice it wasn't his own life. He was willing to sacrifice others to get ahead. Erwin is ruthless, an executioner dressed in the skin of a prince. Levi decides all of this in the first five minutes of encountering him.

He also decides he's going to kill him.

Levi's killed people before. Maybe not a lot of people but more than a few. It wasn't for enjoyment and it's not something he enjoys bragging about. Regardless of all that, Levi doesn't think of himself as a murderer. He thinks of himself as a survivalist.

"Animals kill each other to survive," he tells Farlan as they are on their way God knows. There are shackles around Levi's hands and feet. He rattles them in annoyance. "Why should man be any different?"

"Man is different," Farlan insists. As far back as Levi can remember Farlan has been against any sort of loss of life and in some ways Levi views him as his own conscience. Levi's the one who's always in the air while Farlan has both feet planted firmly on the ground. Maybe that's why Levi trusts him. "Man has conscious thought," Farlan continues. "He's smarter. He has choices."

"And I choose to kill him."

The corner of Farlan's mouth twitches. "We should wait."

"For him to kill us first?"

"For us to find out what his intentions are."

Levi doesn't really care what Erwin's intentions are. But it's Farlan so he relents. "We'll wait," he promises. He doesn't promise not to kill anyone.

Prisons aren't always made of iron and bars. The worst kind of prison is one where you don't even realize you're being imprisoned and the best kind of jail keeper is the one who gives his prisoners just enough room to believe they are free. Levi knows because he was born into one. All the humans have.

When they arrive their shackles are removed. They are given food, a place to sleep. Erwin treats them like guests instead of criminals.

"You can go wherever you like within the compound," he says and underneath those words Levi hears the true meaning. Don't try and leave the compound.

They are being given a large cage but a bird in a large cage is still a caged bird. Permitted just enough freedom that they won't feel like prisoners but prisoners just the same. Levi knows because he's lived his entire life in one.

"At least we'll have three meals a day now." Isabelle says. She bounces on the bed and her face lights up. "The beds are comfortable too." Always looking on the bright side. If Levi's in the air and Farlan's on the ground than Isabelle smolders in fire. She has a spunkiness that Levi lacks. She tends to make the best of any situation.

They are provided water to drink instead of tea, and Levi does his best not to choke on it.

The moment Levi saw the uniform he knew he was going to dislike the survey corps.

"The pants." Levi's eyebrow beings to tick. "Why are the pants white?"

"It's to see the straps." Erwin gestures to the straps of the new 3dmg gear. The new 3dmg gear he was providing them with. "If one of them snaps or tears you can see it right away. It's for safety."

"But white," Levi insists, "gets dirty."

Erwin seems confused by this. "Dirty?"

"They'll have to be changed every day." Levi scowls.

Erwin is silent a moment. "Alright."

After that, every day except for the times he is out on a mission, Levi finds a pair of brand new pants lying on his bed.

The other recruits are young, fresh sprouts pulled from the ground after their three years of training. They are trained but inexperienced with eyes that are much too bright and minds that are much too open to ideas. Levi thinks they won't live to see their next birthday.

He is the only one among them who is older. Which means he's the first Erwin has coerced into joining the survey corps. That seems odd and he can't help but ask Erwin about it the next time he sees him.

"You're the first," Erwin acknowledges.

Levi snorts through his nose. "But not the last I'm sure."

"And the last," Erwin finishes.

Levi opens his mouth but stops himself before the words tumble out. Erwin's caught him by surprise, just like how he caught him before. He's baiting him and Levi fell for it easily.

It pisses him off so he remains in stony silence instead.

The worst kind of enemy, Levi knew, is not one who scowls at you. Enemies that do that are predictable. With an enemy like that you know what to expect and even when they stick a knife in you it isn't so bad because it's just all according to plan. When someone scowls at you they are trying to intimidate you. Levi prefers that. It made it easier to know who was trying to kill him and who he perhaps should kill.

But the worst kind of enemy is one that smiles at you. One that gets close to you. One that pretends to be something to you that they're not. One that goes along with your plan only to stick a knife in your back when you aren't looking. Those are the worst kind.

Erwin is not the type who will be intimidated with a scowl Levi knows. Instead Levi will get close to him. He'll get him to trust him. He'll go along with Erwin's little charade until he drops his guard. Then he'll stick a knife in his back. He'll be the worst kind of enemy to Erwin. That's his plan.

Levi never, ever smiles. But he doesn't scowl either.

Farlan and Isabelle adapt better then even he would have assumed have. They're skilled in the 3dmg and they have their own individual strengths. Farlan is level headed and thinks carefully before deciding a plan of action. Isabelle is quick and frisky. She has speed and is all instinct. They're survivors, like Levi but he relies on a different set of skills to keep him alive.

When he makes his first Titan kill its flawless. Erwin is there and for a moment Levi swears he sees the other man smiling. That puts him on edge more than anything.

"You are proficient at carving up flesh," Erwin observes of the smoking corpse.

Levi doesn't really like that word choice but he lets it slide. Maybe because it isn't a lie. "And what is it you're proficient at, Commander?" He spits the last word.

Erwin answers without hesitation. "The best method at which to carve up flesh."

Their training is not in the use of the 3dmg gear or handling swords or any of that nature. Living in the underground, Levi and the other two are already proficient at that. They are already skilled killers. Instead their training involves more around speed, how to use a horse, how to work together. If anything their 'training' revolves around integration.

Farlan points this out even though Levi had noticed it too and Levi lets him talk because he wants to hear the other's opinion without any outside influence. "I knew a man once," Farlan says as they are standing in the training yard, dust all around them and at their feet. "He was looking for his daughter who went missing. He had a picture he was showing everyone. That isn't important though; everyone whose looking for a missing loved one has a picture. But what really stood out to me is when he told me that she had loved cats and the color blue." He frowns. "For the life of me I can't remember what she looked like, not anymore, but to this day I remember she liked cats and the color blue."

"Did the guy ever find her?" asks Isabelle, digging a finger into her ear.

"I don't know," Farlan admits. "I don't know if he ever found her but I hope he did."

And that's the important part.

There were two others in the higher chains of command that were significant as well. One of them was the man named Mike, who Levi had already become acquainted to considering he had been the one who practically body slammed him to the ground. And while Levi knows Erwin is dangerous because of his mind, Mike is danger in a physical sense. If not for Mike Levi doubted Erwin would have ever been able to catch him.

Mike is overly quiet and speaks only when necessary. Levi considers this both a blessing and a curse, for ones that are silent can be hard to pinpoint, hard to figure out. Regardless Levi thinks he has Mike fairly figured out.

Many compare Mike to a dog because of his uncanny sense a small, a talent Levi is not envious of in the slightest. Levi could already smell the shit this world was buried under. For someone who had a more heightened scent of smell it must be God awful. But it was not because of his sense of smell that Levi associated Mike with a dog. Rather it was his unwavering sense of loyalty.

"Would you die for him?" Levi asks him. Everyday Levi is being tested here. Every exercise, every order, every honeyed word that drops from Erwin's lip, is a test. So Levi can't help but test a little back.

Mike looks up from under his shaggy mat of hair. It is not often that Levi addresses him but it is not for that reason that he takes a long moment to answer. "I suppose."

It is amazing, such a short simple answer to that sort of loaded question that but this is Mike, and Levi knows he was right about the taller man. Still he can't help challenging him. "Even if it were a meaningless death?"

"We all die someday," says Mike simply. "No death is ever meaningless, although all deaths are pointless."

Levi has no idea what that means. Mike's answers are almost as cagey as Erwin's. It irritates him. "What the hell does that mean?"

"How we die or why isn't important. It's how we're remembered afterwards that matters. That is if we're remembered at all anyway."

Mike sniffs as if he has swallowed too much water the wrong way and is struggling to breath. It bothers Levi and he refuses to ask Mike anymore questions after that.

The other superior is the one named Hanji and the first time Levi meets her he thinks she's an idiot. Her eyes are too bright, her smile too large, her demeanor too relaxed. She approaches Levi like he's an old friend rather than someone coerced to be here against their will and it grates on his nerves.

Farlan tells him to be social able but Levi feels that words are wasted on idiocy. He says nothing at all to Hanji.

How she has managed to survive this long is beyond him and he finally chalks it up to an insane level of luck. Or perhaps cowardice. Those that often run from danger live longer.

It's only until their third mission out when he witnesses her kill a Titan that he thinks differently. The kill is incredibly smooth and her movements precise. "It's a waste," she says, kicking at a giant finger that is already starting to smolder. "Killing them like this I mean. When you kill a bee you still have the whole hive to deal with, don't you? This is almost pointless."

It's an interesting analogy. "And how would you like to do it differently?" he asks her.

She shrugs. "That's the point, isn't it? There is no different way to do it. At least not now. That's why we should be doing experiments on them. Erwin won't allow it yet though."

"What good could experiments possibly do?"

"Data," says Hanji. "The more you understand something the easier it is to kill it, don't you think? The whole species I mean, not just one."

"Is that what you're trying to do? Kill them all?"

Hanji doesn't answer him for a long moment. She raises her goggles off of her eyes and when she tilts her face towards him she is grinning. It is a grin full of malice and red licked darkness, and for the first time in a long time Levi actually found himself a little intimidated.

"An eye for an eye."

After that Levi thinks he was wrong about Hanji. If Erwin is dangerous mentally and Mike dangerous physically then Hanji is dangerous on a physiological level. And maybe there was something in her even she didn't like. Something that lurked beneath that intelligent but benign genius façade she had plastered onto herself. Someone full of frothing anger and tight fisted vengeance they couldn't fulfill no matter how they loosened their fingers. Maybe that was the person Hanji was but was trying no longer to be. Deluding oneself is still sometimes better than being a person you don't want to be.

Maybe she is screaming for help but no one can hear her with all that water over her head.

When she places her goggles back over her face Levi can't help but liken them to a leash.

Everyone in the Survey corps is insane, Levi concludes. They are the black sheep of the branches of the military. The scouting legion drew the crazies, the outcasts, the anomalies. Those that disturbed the natural order of things. Those that didn't belong in the rest of civilized society.

In a world that valued obedience above all else the survey corps was the one mangy animal that refused to be culled, refused to accept its caged existence.

And maybe it was for that reason that Erwin had wanted to bring Levi in so badly.

"Why do you kill the Titans?" Levi is soaking wet and shivering, huddled in some big ass tree somewhere. Below them are the Titans. They don't know there are humans above their head but eventually they will. Levi fights the urge to snort the water out of his nostrils.

Erwin doesn't look at him, his eyes plastered to the ground below, nor does he answer him. "Why do you kill the Titans?" he asks instead.

Levi thinks that's a stupid question. Smart as Erwin is he should know the answer to that. "Because you dragged me out here, didn't you?"

"But I never ordered you to kill them," points out Erwin. "You did that on your own. You could have run but instead you chose to fight."

Levi scowls. Erwin has gotten him again. Erwin may have brought him outside the wall but he had never ushered an order to kill the Titans. In more ways than one Erwin is exceptional at knocking Levi to the ground.

"So," says Erwin when a moment has passed with no sound but the rain dripping onto the leaves around them. "Why do you kill them?"

"To survive."

"Precisely," says Erwin, like he has known the answer all along. "To survive. And that's what we're all doing. All the humans that live inside the walls. Those that scrape out a living in those stone walls." He turns his face away. "But I have bigger endeavors in mind."

Levi sniffs and shakes his head in an effort to dislodge more than the water in his nostrils. "Like what?"

"Liberty."

Levi snorts but quietly. The rain likely masks the noise but if the Titans should hear them it would be a pain. Levi really doesn't want to go swinging through the trees with all that water splashing into his face. "Why do that? All the people are content where they are now. They believe they're safe. Isn't that the best?"

"They do have a sanctuary, yes," Erwin acknowledges. "But do you know the other word for sanctuary, Levi?"

Levi really hates the way he says his name. The way it rolls off his tongue. Like he knows him so well. "What?" he growls.

"Prison."

Now that gives him pause. "Prison?"

"A sanctuary is a place of safety, isn't it?" says Erwin. "Therefore you cannot leave it without putting yourself into some sort of danger. In other words it is a prison of-"

"Our own making," finishes Levi.

"Precisely," says Erwin. He leans away from observing the Titans. He looks at Levi at last. "And that is what we hope to change."

"What is it you're planning to do?" asks Levi as they are heading back towards the walls. "What do you hope to accomplish with all this?"

"I'm going to save the human race," says Erwin.

Levi doesn't laugh often but he laughs then. The Titans might hear him but he doesn't care. He can slice them down easily anyway.

Erwin who sacrifices others so readily is going to save the human race. What a joke.

Erwin doesn't laugh with him.

Swinging through the trees Levi realizes. Erwin's back is broad. Like the wall.

Only this wall is much, much worse.

"I'm not going to be the guardian angel you want me to be," Levi tells Erwin in the space between returning with the angry glares of the people and their planning on another mission. "You've got the wrong guy." Levi doesn't believe in sacrificing others for himself but that doesn't make him a saint either. He does what he needs to do in order to survive and surviving sometimes means doing some really unspeakable things. He's had blood on his hands and it hasn't all been just from Titans.

"Good," says Erwin. "I'm glad to hear that."

Levi scowls. He hates these cagey answers, these explanations that aren't explanations at all but just ill concealed traps. Levi falls for them every time. "Why?"

"Because that's not what I'm looking for."

"What are you looking for then?"

Erwin pauses for a moment, thinking. "I'm looking for a protector."

Levi raises an eyebrow. "A protector?"

"A protector doesn't mean somebody who is good," Erwin continues. "A protector is someone who guards what they care about. A protector defends."

"How valiant." Levi's words are oozing sarcasm.

"There's nothing valiant about it," Erwin corrects. "A protector may guard what they care about but what about that which they don't?"

Levi waits in silence. He feels like he's standing on pins and needles or a sharp blade. Erwin is one he could so easily prick himself on but despite himself Levi wants to hear the answer.

"A protector defends," says Erwin, "but he also threatens. He sacrifices others, he conquers, he battles. He kills. A protector defends that which he cares about, but while he is doing so he also destroys that which he isn't defending. You can't protect one thing without destroying something else. To protect that which is most precious to you, you must be willing to kill what is threatening it. That is why a guardian angel would not work. A guardian angel would want to preserve everything and in the end more than likely lose everything. A guardian angel will think 'how can I sacrifice myself to save this person'. A protector will think 'what must I destroy to keep this person safe'. That is why I need a protector instead. Someone who is willing to destroy one thing to preserve that which is most important." Erwin looks at him piercingly. "Does that make sense?"

In that moment Levi hates him. Hates the way he talks without giving an answer but only another riddle. Hates the way his eyes look past Levi's skin and into the dark recesses where all his secrets lie. He coughs to clear his throat, like he has swallowed water the wrong way.

"Is that what you want me to be?" he bites out.

Erwin shakes his head. "I want you to be you," and he would provide no other explanation outside of that.

"What do you think a warrior is, Levi?"

"A person who wins."

"A person who tries."

"When do you plan to kill him?" asks Farlan. Weeks have gone by but the way he says is indicates he is in no hurry. Neither is Isabelle. She is doing well. She has made friends, laughs more, smiles more. It is a sharp contrast to when they were in the underground and she had returned to the lair nearly every day with scratches on her face from fighting. She is doing well, proving herself a capable warrior. Out of all of them she has been trying the hardest.

"Soon," says Levi. It is always soon. One more day to get closer to Erwin. One more day to sharpen his knife. One more day to plunge it into his back.

Levi knows that Farlan has realized this but Farlan doesn't say anything. Maybe because Farlan knows what Levi is doing. Or maybe he, with his two feet on the ground, understands something Levi doesn't. He looks up to the sky. "It's a nice day out."

It is. It is a nice day. A nice day they would never be able to see again once they return to the underground.

Levi decides he can wait one day more.

"Do you know what the number one death of commanders is?"

Another day, another question and Levi doesn't know why Erwin asks him that. Most of the time he has no idea why Erwin does what he does. Levi is smart. He's perceptive. He'd have to be to stay alive as long as he had in the underground. But he isn't cunning, not like Erwin. Erwin has this uncanny ability to show you his hand of cards but not the whole deck. He only lets you see what he wants you to see.

Murder, Levi wants to say spitefully but knows that would be a mistake. Erwin would know the cards Levi is holding and unlike him Levi isn't holding a whole deck. He stays silent.

"It isn't titans," said Erwin. "Contrary to popular belief most of them didn't go that way."

He leaves his sentence hanging. Its wide open bait and both of them know Levi is going to take it. It's infuriating but still Levi bites. "What is it then?"

"Suicide."

Levi raises an eyebrow.

Erwin shifts on his feet. "As I'm sure you are well aware there are monsters in this world. Not the Titans. Human monsters. They devour people just like the Titans do. They chew them up and spit them out, seemingly without reason. Just like the Titans do." His eyes shift away. "To become something like that is very difficult. I'm not talking about rapists or murders. They're born monsters in their own way. I'm talking about normal decent people that aspire to become monsters. That's something entirely different. And much harder. Most can't handle it. When someone is born human becoming a monster is much, much harder."

"Is that what you're aspiring to do?" asks Levi because he cannot help himself.

And like always Erwin doesn't give him a direct answer. "Sometimes," he says instead, "becoming a monster is the only way to get rid of the other monsters."

After that he walks away, and Levi thinks he isn't a rapist but he was a murderer. A man who is born a man, it's almost impossible for him to become a monster. But what if it were the other way? If someone were born a monster, was it possible for them to become a man?

He's killed so many Titans now, way more than he's killed of humans. Doesn't that mean something?

Then again Titan blood evaporates. Human blood stains forever.

What is it you want, Levi? He imagines Erwin asking him this because it is such an Erwin thing to do. Like a chess piece Erwin will maneuver him to where he wants with subtleties and gentle pushes, and then he will leave him there to decide if he wants to continue forward or go back. Ultimately the decision is in Levi's hands.

But a chess piece can't move on its own.

What does he want? Levi doesn't know. Maybe he never knew what he wanted, maybe not even before his face was pushed into that puddle. Maybe living in the underground had been his own way of avoiding making a decision. Maybe it had just been his own special way of running away.

Yet unlike him Erwin has big plans in mind. Big dreams that likely will never become reality but that doesn't mean Erwin believes in them any less. He knows what he wants.

You can see through me, can't you? Levi wants to say. Can't. Tell me your dreams, he thinks instead, and then tell me mine.

"Sorry." Isabelle coughs up blood. "I was too slow."

Levi knows a dead person when he sees one. He's seen plenty of them in the past so he doesn't bother with the futile effort of binding her wounds. Instead he holds her in his arms and allows her blood to stain his new white pants crimson.

Out there somewhere Farlan is dead too. He who always kept his feet on the ground. He would have been better off in the air with Levi but maybe it was the crash he was afraid of rather than the heights. It doesn't matter now anyway. He's crashed regardless.

"I wasn't a very good warrior, was I?"

A warrior is not someone who wins. A warrior, Levi remembers, is someone who tries. Isabelle had tried harder than any of them. "You were the best warrior."

Isabelle smiles a little. "I'm really glad I got to see outside the walls." Blood drips down her mouth. "I got to be freer than anyone. Even if it was just for a little while."

"Freer than anyone," Levi mutters.

Freer than anyone. They've all been caged, all their lives and they haven't even known it. Give someone a little bit of freedom and they won't even realize they're prisoners. It's only until they see the rest of what could be theirs beyond the range of their shackles that they suddenly desire release.

Isabelle had seen it. Maybe she was right and had been one of the lucky ones. She had been able to experience the outside world, the release of her shackles and unfettered freedom, even if she hadn't been able to keep it.

The water drips onto him and Levi can feel it entering his nostrils. His throat rattles with his watery breath. He swallows reflexively and only manages inhaling more of it in.

He holds her until the fire in her eyes goes out.

"Are you going to kill me, Levi?"

Its raining. Levi barely remembers how they reached here. With Erwin in the mud and Levi hovering over him. The blade in his hand is at the others throat.

"Yes. My friends are dead because of you."

"Sometimes sacrifices need to be made, Levi," says Erwin and the way he says his name makes Levi feel like its his fault they're dead. "And they are not always yours to make."

Levi doesn't know what he's talking about. Most of the time he has no idea what Erwin's talking about. He hates it. "This is why I joined the scouting legion. To kill you."

"That's a shame," says Erwin.

That's a shame. Levi has a sword at his throat and his response is that's a shame. Like he's known all along that Levi had planned to do this. And maybe he had. "Why is that a shame?"

"Because," says Erwin, "You won't be able to give it up now. You're too far down for that."

Too far down. Levi is drowning. He's been drowning and he's never even realized it. But now, now as the rain drips down into his mouth, he can feel the water rattling in his lungs. "What do you mean by that?"

"Now you'll want to save them." Erwin is still on his knees and Levi is the one pointing his sword at him but for some reason Levi still feels like he's the one at the disadvantage. Erwin's always had a knife at his throat. It's been pricking him ever since Erwin took him down that day and smashed his face into that puddle. "Even if you kill me. Even if someone else takes over. You'll still want to. You've become invested in them. I knew that from the moment I met you. I knew you were the right man for the job."

Levi's hand isn't shaking but inside he is. He swallows around the water in his throat. "How?"

"Because," says Erwin, "you said yes."

Yes. He said yes. Because he valued the people's lives he wanted to protect over his own. He valued that which he cared about over other things and thus would be willing to destroy that which threatened it. And now, after all this, Erwin has shown him the truth. The world is sinking. The world is sinking and everyone is drowning. And he's the only one who can save it.

Levi's a walking machine of death but he can't give up his humanity, not entirely. He can't make the sacrifices Erwin can. He can't sacrifice that which he wanted to protect. Levi is the knife but Erwin is the hand guiding the knife. He can change the world. Levi may be the only one who can save it but Erwin is the one who can change it. And maybe he's the only one who can.

Slowly Levi lowers his sword.

In a way Erwin was sacrificing his life just the same as the soldiers he used sacrificed theirs for his sake. He was giving up his humanity, his sanity, his future. Not the future of mankind. His future. Sacrificing a life doesn't always mean dying.

Because the world is full of drowning people. Erwin would be their hero, the one that saves them from their watery grave. But once that is over and done then what? Erwin will have committed too many atrocious acts to be considered human anymore. They will turn on him. The Titans will be gone but there will still be monsters.

Erwin is the boat that will save the drowning masses. Only to allow himself to sink afterwards.

"Thank you for staying." Erwin says it once, only once.

Levi hears the words Erwin really means.

Thanks for drowning with me.

Drowning takes a long, long time. But it's painful as hell the entire way down. Its cold and its dark and it burns. It's torturous when you can see the surface overhead. Your salvation just out of reach. Willingly giving it up to that burning sensation in your lungs, allowing them to fill up with water because you know its for the greater good. It must be very lonely.

Levi closes his eyes. He doesn't grasp Erwin's hand. He doesn't need to.

We'll drown together.

Levi's lungs are full of water.

But he's still breathing anyway.

If you made it this far you get a high five and a free shot of whiskey.