notes: It's been a while since I've done anything for this. There are bits that should have been a little more polished. But I think I enjoyed this.

Alice Punches Sherlock Holmes

In which, Inspector Lestrade attempts to conduct an interview and Will Scarlet loses at darts to a three hundred year old man and a blind woman.

"What are your names?" the policeman asked, flipping to a clean page of his notebook.

Alice had no intention of giving the man her real name. She'd broken out of an asylum with the help of a dimension hopping rabbit and a man in a mysterious leather jacket and Cyrus was from another world. Giving them their names would cause more problems than it was worth. The only concern was how explain that to Millie without the policeman noticing or having to explain that her older sister was likely a wanted fugitive.

"Millie…" Millie said.

"…Kingsley. I'm her sister, Alice," she said. She hoped that the man waited until they left this realm to check on their identities as escaping another prison would be a real bother.

"And you sir?" the policeman said, gesturing to Cyrus.

Cyrus didn't answer at first and not for the first time, it occurred to Alice that she did not know his last name. The first time she asked about it, he told her genies didn't have them. After defeating Jafar, he confessed he barely remembered his name was Cyrus after years in the bottle. He suspected Taj knew, but was too embaressed to ask.

"Cyrus," he said, sounding unsure of his answer.

"Last name?"

He hesitated again, then answered, "Nejem."

"And what were you lot doin' before our friend Mr. Jack broke in?" he said, making a note in his book.

"Just looking around the exhibit, just like everyone else," Alice said, trying not to fidget as she stared at the Officer's badge. "When he attacked, I made sure my sister got out, but before I could escape myself, he cornered me." Nobody would believe that she had chosen to stay behind and fight and that was alright with her. It would only raise more questions.

"And we have reports that say you ran into this mayhem." He pointed the pencil at Cyrus and twitched his moustache.

"My fiancée was in danger. What would you have done in my place?"

"You weren't there with her?"

"I was at first, but I'm severely claustrophobic and I stepped out for fresh air."

The police officer documented his response, then said, "So you didn't see…"

"Sean, I need you at the other site," a great, booming voice said as a tall, dark skinned woman with close cropped, curly hair strode over to the makeshift interview site.

"With all due respect sir, I'm in the middle of taking statements and…"

"Orders I gave you and can change when they are no longer priority," she said, drawing her shoulders back and crossing her arms. "The Antikytheria Mechanism theft is the brass' top priority. The donor's got them in their pocket and it's all hands on deck." When the man looked at her as if not believing, she continued in a tone not to be disobeyed, "Officer Sean Goldman of Scotland Yard, you have your orders. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes sir," he said, looking anywhere but at her dark eyes and closing the notebook, before scurrying off.

"I am Inspector Genevieve Lestrade of Scotland Yard," she said, turning towards them and pulling out her own notebook. "I assume Officer Goldman took your information?"

"Yes," Alice said. They would be long gone by the time she figured out that he hadn't finished.

"To business then," Inspector Lestrade said, looking them over. Cyrus tensed beside her. "What do you know about Spring Heeled Jack?"

"Only what's said in the papers." Cyrus was just a little too quick in his response for Alice's comfort. Given the faint rise of Inspector Lestrade's eyebrow, it was too quick for her too.

"And what's that exactly?" the Inspector made a note in her book.

"Not much honestly, my fiancée and I have only recently returned from a long voyage abroad," he touched her hand and she could feel a familiar energy in him. Just like when he was running a con on the Caterpillar or tricking the Queen's Guards. "Springs on his shoes, eyes like coals, a vile criminal, that sort of thing."

"He's a well-known thief and thug, yet you chose to stay and fight?" She made another note.

"He cornered me," Alice repeated.

"Statements from other witnesses report that after ushering your sister out of the exhibit, you returned to confront the perpetrator."

"If I did, it was certainly not my attention," she said. She could practically hear Will make a smart-alecky remark about her and deliberate acts of violence.

"And you," she gestured to Cyrus, "were outside when this happened?"

"Yes."

"You entered the exhibit through a previously unknown opening in the tent."

"It was obviously unsecured and everywhere else was too crowded and…"

"Inspector!" a woman shouted, interrupting Cyrus. "We need you over at the other site."

"Officer Langston, I'm in the middle of an interview. Could this not wait?" the Inspector said.

"The officers on the scene would much rather you were there sir," Officer Langston said, holding her helmet in both hands in front of her and looking at the Inspector's boots.

"Can they not investigate a crime scene without me to hold their hands?" the Inspector said.

"They're trying," Officer Langston said, tugging at her white shirt sleeve. "But you see, they're a bit upset. You see, the brass called in that private detective and well, you're the only person who can control him." She tugged at her other shirt sleeve, then at her jacket cuffs.

"Nobody can control Sherlock Holmes," Inspector Lestrade said. "The man knows the brass think too highly of his work to dismiss him. Other officers are going to learn to deal with him, just as I have." It sounded more like she said, "I don't want to deal with him."

"Yes, but at least he considers your suggestions, and he's not outright rude to you," Officer Langston said. Officer Langston shrunk back a little, hugged her helmet closer, and something in the Inspector's face softened.

"Alright, I'll be right over," the Inspector said. "You two," she gestured to Alice and Cyrus, "come with me and sweetie, why don't you stay here with Officer Langston?"

"I'm not supposed to leave my sister," Millie said. "My father said so."

"Sweetie, you need to stay with Officer Langston. Crime scenes are no place for children and I'm sure your father would want you to listen to the poli…" Shouting erupted from the other tent and the Inspector's grip on her pencil tightened. "Bloody hell! Fine, you may come along with us, but you must remain next to Officer Langston."

Without waiting for a response, the Inspector turned and strode off towards the tent, muttering about what an incorrigible git the detective was. They followed at what Officer Langston thought to be a safe distance. Officer Langston tried to talk to Millie about what happened at the aquarium, Millie replied by talking about the fish and how she planned to embroider a cuttlefish and a nautilus at her next lesson.

They ducked under strips of bright yellow canvas hanging around the tent and Officer Langston gestured for them to stand near a stack of crates. Officers in blue stood outside the tent, staring at the Inspector having a heated discussion with a beaky nosed man.

"I don't care if you're the Queen herself," the Inspector said, "you will at least be civil to my officers."

"If your officers were more competent…"

"Mr. Holmes, might I remind you that you are a guest in this investigation. You are here at the request of Commissioner Ashbury, who owes me numerous and not insignificant favors for tolerating your conduct. Not to mention the numerous complaints against you filed by both my department and others," she said. "If you put so much as one toe out of line, I will have you tossed from this investigation faster than you can deduce you've been tossed."

"At least require your officers remain out of my and Doctor Watson's way," he said.

"You are guest in this investigation Mr. Holmes," she said. "However, your assistance is not without merit. If you ask politely, or ask Doctor Watson to ask politely for you, I'm sure my officers will assist you in any way they can. It is, however, our investigation."

"With all due respect Inspector, the investigation would run smoother if…"

"Guest Mr. Holmes. You are a guest," the Inspector said, turning on her toe and striding over to the four of them.

"Now, she said, taking her notebook out of her jacket pocket. "Where were we…" She flipped through the pages. The yellow edges crumpled as she tried to pick up where she left off. "Right, Mr. Najem, you were talking about how the tent was unsecured and you were worried about your fiancée. How did you know the tent flap was…"

"Millie!" Alice never thought she'd be grateful to hear her stepmother's voice, but in that moment, there was no sweeter sound. She turned around to see Sarah and her father rushing toward the crime scene.

"Are all of you alright?" her father asked.

"We're fine," Alice responded. She wasn't sure how to tell him that she had lied about their last name and would rather it stayed that way.

"Inspector, what is the meaning of this?" Sarah asked. "You brought a child to a crime scene."

"She was asked to remain with Officer Langston," Inspector Lestrade gestured to the blonde woman. "Yet she refused to leave her sister's side. I was in the midst of conducting an interview of the elder Ms. Kingsley and Mr. Najem when I was called away to deal with pressing matters at this site."

"Regardless, it was a thoughtless, careless thing to do," Sarah said, stroking Millie's hair while fixing the Inspector with the same look she'd once given Alice. "Inspector, if you do not release them immediately, I will be compelled to speak with Lord Glenarvin about the grievous misconduct experienced by my family today."

"Ma'am, this is a police investigation, not high tea," Inspector Lestrade said, crossing her arms and Alice didn't think it was possible to straighten her shoulders even more than they were, but she managed it. "If you want to report this, "grievous misconduct," then you had best be prepared to explain to Commissioner Ashbury, Duke of Ashborough, why you interrupted a top priority investigation."

Sarah was silent, but her gaze broke away from the Inspector to her daughter.

"Furthermore," the Inspector continued, "if I am not allowed to complete my interview, our donors with the museum, including, but not limited to the Duchess of Plemsbury, the Count of Cavanagh, and the Prime Minister, will hear about this. Now, I will allow you to remain here with your younger daughter if I am allowed to complete my interview. I am only making this concession because you are causing a scene, if you continue to do so, I will revoke this offer."

Sarah was still quiet and Alice couldn't help but feel some sort of awe at Inspector Lestrade for shutting her up.

Then, making a face like she'd bit into a particularly sour lemon, she said, "Fine. Millie, we're going to stay here with Officer Langston."

"But what about Alice and Cyrus?"

"We're going to help the Inspector," Cyrus said.

Alice's father looked at her with concern, as if thinking of some connection or friendship with a lord or duke that could get her and Cyrus out of this situation.

"Don't worry," Alice said, walking over to her father and embracing him. "It's just a few more questions and we'll be back before you know it."

"Alice," he said. "I can get you a lawyer. You don't have to…"

"We'll be fine," Alice insisted, stepping back. "It's just a few more questions."

"If you're sure," he said. "We'll see you at home then?"

"Yes," she replied.

The inspector gestured to Alice and Cyrus and led them away from the crates, towards a tent post.

"Alright," the Inspector said, flipping through her now slightly crumpled notebook. "Right so Mr. Najem, you were telling me about how you entered the aquarium through the loose tent flap…"

"Inspector!" Mr. Holmes said, emerging from the tent with a sour expression.

The Inspector closed her fist around the notebook page, almost tearing it.

"Tell your detectives to get their filthy hands off of the bodies," he said. "Not only are they contaminating the crime scene, they are interfering with Dr. Watson's examination of the victims."

"Have you tried asking them politely?" she asked.

"Of course I have, they do not listen to me as an outsider and when John asked, they were rude to him," he said. He sounded considerably more put off that they were rude to John than that they didn't listen to him.

"Do you want me to help?" she asked, her tone perfectly calm, if a bit resigned.

"They were rude to John," he insisted. "I am accustomed to their behavior towards me, but towards John of all people."

"Officer O'Neal, remain with the witnesses while I sort this out," the Inspector said, rolling her eyes. The officer nodded to her superior. "Now Mr. Holmes, lead the way." She followed Mr. Holmes towards the tent, leaving Alice and Cyrus with Officer Langston again.

"No adventures to be had here," Cyrus said, leaning against the post, looking a bit more satisfied with himself than he really should. "That's what you said about where you came from. Nothing but boring fields and boring expectations."

"We were supposed to be here for one afternoon," she said, leaning against the post beside him. "Of course, at the rate this interview is going, we may be here for several more afternoons. If I knew this would happen, I would have sent the invitation with Percy." She kicked at a patch of grass full of sparrow feathers, while picturing Sarah's reaction to a dimension hopping rabbit in a top hat. As the blades flew through the air, she saw a familiar blue sparkle on the ground.

She tilted her head to the side and bent down to examine the grass. She poked through the grass and dirt and found three almost perfectly cube shaped crystals, so dark they were almost black. She picked them up and held them as gently as she had once held her wishes.

"Cyrus look at these," she whispered, covering the crystals with her other hand as she showed them to him.

"They look like the crystals you find around portals," he said.

"Whatever took the mechanism is not of this world," she said.

"So it may have magical properties after all," Cyrus said, running a hand through his hair. "I thought this world void of magic."

"It is," Alice insisted. "Should I ask about this? How would you do it without sounding mad?" This was not their investigation, but if there was a threat that could cross worlds, it might have to become their investigation.

"Are there any criminal organizations interested in the supernatural," he suggested as the Inspector reemerged from the tent, with Mr. Holmes and a taller, stockier gentleman carrying a doctor's bag following close behind her.

"Mr. Holmes," Alice said, jogging over to them. "If there's a chance that the Antikytheria Mechanism was stolen for its reputed magic properties, then it might be a good idea to consider groups who would be interested in that. Are there any people who might be interested in magical artifacts?"

"Ms. Liddel…" Alice's jaw hung open and her heart stopped in shock. "Don't look so surprised, there's no Mr. or Mrs. Kingsley in Lord Glenarvin's social circle, however there are a Mr. and Mrs. Liddel with a daughter named Alice with a very good reason to neglect to give her real name to the police following her escape from Bethlam hospital. And Ms. Liddle, this is a homicide and robbery investigation, not a place for the theories of a mad…"

Alice didn't hear anything else but the rush of blood through her ears. Mr. Holmes' mouth kept moving, but she neither heard nor cared to hear what he was saying. It was only a repetition of, "mad, mad, mad, mad, mad…" in the voices of everyone she'd ever known anyway.

The next thing she heard was a slow clapping and her knuckles stung. Mr. Holmes was on the ground in front of her, holding a hand to his cheek, but otherwise stunned.

"Alice." Cyrus laid a hand on her shoulder. "Are you alright?"

"I think I'm fine now," she said, relaxing her fist.

"Well then," he said, pulling her back, away from Inspector Lestrade. "We should probably start running."

X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X

"So, we're up on the rooftops, running from the guards, and after a while we thought we lost them," Rafi said, taking a drink of his beer. "But we keep running just to make sure and eventually, we get off the roofs and back into an alley, Cyrus jumps down like the maniac he is…"

"Glad to know that's not new," Will said.

"…and I climb down like a normal person. And we think we were safe, but then we hear footsteps again and we start running. Cyrus makes a bad turn, we wind up down a dead end with no way to climb out. Then we hear this growling. Like, legitimate growling. And I say, "You didn't tell me they had tigers." Cyrus pauses for a moment, then he says, "It's worse than tigers. It's our brother.""

Lizard laughed and Will couldn't help but stare. In the low light of the Underland tavern, she seemed to glow. He thought he'd never see her smile and laugh like that again and ever since finding out she was alive, he couldn't get enough of it.

Almost immediately after they defeated Jafar, Anastasia set about rebuilding Wonderland and fixing the damage she caused. Of course, some things were too broken to ever go back together, but for a time, they thought they could fix what had broken between them. While he could have gotten used to the palace's luxury, he couldn't get used to all the people pleasing, politicking, and uncomfortable pants wearing that came with the territory.

So while Cyrus took over the disaster that was Anastasia's public relations and Ana organized public works and bonded with her people, he did odd jobs. A day with the carpenters here, a few hours with the stone masons there. Good, honest work that let him work with real people and wear real pants. One day, he'd wound up helping the Tweedle hire new gardeners.

He almost didn't recognize her when he saw her, bandages over her eyes and her hat pulled down low to cover it up. It wasn't until she was at the front of the line that he realized he wasn't just seeing things and he almost fell over. He grabbed the table to stay on his feet as the blood drained from his face.

Still clutching the smooth mahogany table, he took a step towards her and said in a voice barely louder than a whisper, "Lizard?"

He may as well have shouted for the way she jumped and turned towards him, tense as if ready to bolt.

"Will?" she stammered.

He stood there with his mouth hanging open, unable to look away from her face, mesmerized by the white gauzy cloth where her eyes once were. There were a thousand and one things he should have said her, but all he could manage was, "You're alive."

He leaned against the front of the table, she remained absolutely still. They stood in silence, so close they could have touched, but neither wanting to take a chance on the other's reaction. There was something about accidentally killing someone that puts a real damper on the relationship.

The crowd of people around them, even the tweedle, went silent. The air between them was too charged for him to even think about moving. His breathing slowed, but his heart raced, and he couldn't look anywhere but at her.

Fortunately, she broke the tension between them, stepping forwards and throwing her arms around him. At first, he thought she'd go right through him, but when he felt how warm and solid and alive she was, he held her tightly.

"You're alive," he repeated, rubbing her back, still not quite believing she wasn't a ghost. Even if she was, he wouldn't have cared.

"Don't you know? Genies can't kill," she said, laughing a little, more for his sake than for anybody else's. Then she went still again, her face buried in his shoulder, and added in a voice so soft he knew he wasn't meant to hear it, "But you'd be surprised what you can live through."

Since then, she merged effortlessly back into regular life. She'd taken back a job as a gardener, Anastasia gave her a set of enchanted glass eyes as a sort of apology for being a rotten queen, she'd become fast friends with Rafi. What happened before she made her last wish was awkward, but they moved past it. Now, sitting in Underland, drinking, talking, occasionally hustling darts, it almost felt like nothing happened.

"Alright, I really have to get going," Rafi said, standing up from the bar table.

"Ah come on," Will said. "Next round's on me." If they got another beer into him, he and Liz could talk Rafi into hustling barflies at darts.

"Yeah, if you hang around

"I really have to go," he said. "I have to be at work early tomorrow, the library's meeting with the bookwyrms to discuss new material, and I can already feel a headache coming on."

"So you're getting' out before the real fun starts?" Will said. "Hang around, I'll even give you a chance at darts this time."

"You lost last time we played," Rafi reminded him, placing a hand on the back of his chair to steady himself.

"Cause I was distracted," he insisted.

"Keep telling yourself that," Lizard said, taking a sip of her drink.

"I was. I thought Alice was gonna throw that guy over the table," he said.

"Distracted or not, let's say I won and spare you the humiliation of losing to a three hundred year old man again," Rafi said, taking his coat.

"Okay, fine, run away from my mad skills," Will said. "But next time you won't be so lucky."

"Next time I'll demonstrate what three hundred years of practice looks like," Rafi said.

"We'll see about that," Will replied.

"You know, you guys talk big, but we all know that the next time we play, you're both going to lose to a blind woman," Liz said.

"You have magic eyes," Will said.

"I'll beat both of you blind," she said, popping one of her eyes out and tossing it in her hand.

"Okay," Rafi said. "I should get going before we have to have another, "game," of Find Liz's Eyes."

"Alright," Will said. "See you 'round then."

"We're still on for tomorrow morning right?" Lizard asked.

"Of course," he said, smiling at her as he headed toward the door.

Will waited all of three seconds before saying, "Oooooh! What are you two up to tomorrow?" He grinned as she blushed and he continued, "Am I going to have to give him the, "Treat her right or I'll have to unleash the Scarlet Fury," talk?"

"Scarlet Fury?" Liz said. Her eyebrows arched as she pulled down an eyelid to pop the glass eye back in.

"What?" he replied, lifting the empty tankard to his lips before remembering that it was, in fact, empty. "I can't let some dashing young rapscallion get away with hurting my best mate."

"It's not like that," she said. "You remember back when we were on the streets." He nodded. "That flower shop I was always talking about…"

"The one your mum owned."

"Yeah," she said. "Well, Rafi's always wanted a book shop, and if we team up, we can have the capital to buy it back from the Caterpillar in less than a year."

"That's fantastic!" he said. "I'll be one of the first in line when it opens." He leaned back in his chair and raised the empty tankard to his lips again. "Right, we were going to get refills."

"You can, I'm still working on this," she said, tapping the side of her drink.

"Alright, then let's hear more about that shop," he said. "And you and Rafi, let's hear more about that."

"There's nothing to talk about. We're friends and hopefully business partners," she said. "I wouldn't date my business partner."

"You're not business partners yet," he said. "I bet you guys would have fun together."

"Let's change the subject," she said, taking another drink. "How do you think Ana's going to handle the people from the Chess Board Desert without Cyrus?"

"Not drunk enough to talk politics," he said. "Hey, did you see Mrs. Rabbit goin' at it with that Dragonfly swarm?"

"No, let's hear about it…"

X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X

"So, we're up on the rooftops, running from the guards, and after a while we thought we lost them," Rafi said, taking a drink of his beer. "But we keep running just to make sure and eventually, we get off the roofs and back into an alley, Cyrus jumps down like the maniac he is…"

"Glad to know that's not new," Will said.

"…and I climb down like a normal person. And we think we were safe, but then we hear footsteps again and we start running. Cyrus makes a bad turn, we wind up down a dead end with no way to climb out. Then we hear this growling. Like, legitimate growling. And I say, "You didn't tell me they had tigers." Cyrus pauses for a moment, then he says, "It's worse than tigers. It's our brother.""

X~*~X~*~X~*~X~*~X

"…And then," Lizard said, throwing a dart at the board, "we realized that that part of the hedge had become completely feral. So we're going to cut it back, try to relocate it, I don't know maybe some time with some more well behaved hedges will be good for it."

"You guys gonna use the big hedge clippers?" Will said, taking aim at the dart board. He hit the second ring.

"Oh yeah," she said. "Annie's way to excited about that." Her dart hit just outside the bull's eye.

"I would be too," he said. "Those things are almost as big as you are." He bounced the dart in his hand to test the weight, then lining up his shot. They were closely matched this time. If he hit the bull's eye dead on he would win. This had to be perfect. He took a deep breath to steady his hand, then drew it back to throw.

Then a wild eyed and bedraggled looking man came flying into the tavern. The dart embedded itself in the wall. It took him a moment for him to realize that the mud covered, out of breath madman was Rafi.

"How did I get outside?" he said, his voice almost broke on the last word. Lizard pulled out a chair for him and he all but collapsed into it.

"What do you mean outside? You were right here telling us about you and Cyrus…" Will trailed off. He didn't remember anything after that and that story had to be half an hour ago. He didn't remember anything about Rafi after that, he must have gotten up to get another beer or talk to the waitress or something and…and what? Gotten lost between their table and the bar? But they would notice Rafi leaving the bar. Even without telling them.

"I don't know," Lizard said. "I don't remember you leaving."

"I don't remember it either. One moment I was here, the next I was half way home and I don't know how I got there," he said, his words coming out in a fast jumble. "I don't know and…ah my head!" He flinched and put his palms against his forehead.

"You don't remember anything?" Lizard said, sitting down across from him.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing," he said. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I didn't have much to drink and I was fine until I…"

"You're going to be fine," she said. "Take a deep breath, we'll get you some water and we'll get Taj to bring you home."

"Thank you," he said, burying his face in his hands.

"I'll see about that water," Will said, turning and picking his way through the staring barflies. He paid the bartender and took the water back without waiting for change. "Here."

Rafi took the water from him and sipped carefully.

"Feelin' any better?" he asked.

"A bit," he said, rubbing his forehead. "Gods what's that noise?"

"What noi…" Then he heard the faint, low roar of wind. He'd heard this noise before. Will Scarlet had heard this noise before and he did not like it one bit. He looked down at the floor. It started out as a hairline blue crack in the floor, then spread to become the swirling blue vortex of chaos and Will Torment that portals always were.

"Bullocks."