So here's the first of (hopefully) many one shots, all based around songs. I'll be taking requests and suggestions, so feel free to comment :)

FYI: Italics indicate actual lyrics from the songs

Everything's an Illusion by Mayday Parade

(Percy's POV)

I've never been one for rules. My track record certainly speaks to that fact.

I've been expelled from more schools than I could count. For starting fights. For mouthing off to teachers. For getting terrible grades. I usually never stayed in one place for more than a year, and it showed in my distinct lack in mortal friends (seeing as Rachel no longer counts).

I've even been expelled from Goode. Apparently I'd missed too much school between all those months spent in Hera's sleep or as a Roman or on the Argo II or in Tartarus or fighting another fucking war. The Mist had been all screwed up and none of the gods were in the position to lend a hand and provide an alibi as they'd done before.

It made me sad that I couldn't go back there. It's just that made a promise to myself (and to my mom and Paul, for that matter) that Goode would be my last school, that I'd spend my junior and senior year there with the few mortal friends I'd made and kept. That wasn't going to happen anymore though, it was just one more thing I've fucked up. I hate letting my mom down again.

All I ever do is let people down. All I ever do is get in trouble. All I ever do is fuck up.

And it's not just the mortal world either, I'd always been a troublemaker at camp too. There'd always been the small, silly stuff, of course. Prank wars with Connor and Travis. Sneaking out past lights out. All the little "smuggling" rings for candy and soda and other forbidden outside foods.

There'd been big stuff too. Leaving camp without permission, sneaking my way onto quests, bad mouthing the gods. They hate me, even after all I'd done for them.

Well, perhaps now they pity me. Anybody would.

But this will get me into a lot of trouble on a lot of different levels. Not that I really care anymore, I think to myself as I eye the three quarters empty bottle of amber liquid in front of me. Not empty enough though.

I take yet another swig and grimace as it burns the back of my throat. I've gotten used to the pain though, and the end result is always worth it. A beautiful numbness, and maybe even a dreamless sleep.

All this, just to take the pain away for a night. All this, just for a little sleep. A break from my living hell.

I know that it's wrong. That it will only ever hurt me.

I know it's no solution. I know it won't bring her back.

But I need it. I can't function without it.

Without it, everything is too much to handle. My heart hurts, but this dulls the ache. My new scars flare with phantom pains, but this takes those away. My eyes burn with stubbornly unshed tears, but this allows them to flow freely down my already stained cheeks. This bottle gives me a reprieve from the howling pain inside.

Without it, the dreams invade my already exhausted mind. Each night not spend with misted thoughts is torturous. I relive her final moments over and over and over in my nightmares. All I see are her lifeless gray eyes, staring unfixed at some point in the distance. All I are hear are my own raw throated screams mixed with the clang of metal on metal, nearly drowning out her final whispered words I only just manage to catch. All I taste are the metallic drops of blood on her lips as I kiss her a final goodbye before the earth begins to shake and storms begin to rage around me. All I feel are Jason's strong, calloused hands pulling me away from her, my own slick with her crimson blood. All I smell are the tendrils of acrid smoke wavering off her burning body, the new shroud, unembroidered and plain gray not nearly as beautiful as the first I'd seen for the crafter's cabin. This bottle gives me a respite from those moments so ingrained in my memory.

Does that make me an alcoholic?

I don't know. Maybe. I don't care.

All I know is that I need it.

But I don't know what people would do if they found me like this, half drunk and misty eyed. I can only imagine their reactions.

Mr. D would kick me out for violating camp code, and I'd probably get a sad look from Chiron before being sent off, never to return.

Jason would look down on me with pity. Even still, he finds himself better than me. He sees as weak. Nico would find pity too, even if he can understand to some menial degree.

Frank would be awkward and pretend not to notice. He would undoubtably stumble over his words before backing out of my cabin.

Leo would try in vain to crack a joke and make me smile, just like he always does when he's hurting.

Grover would start crying. So would Piper. So would Hazel. So would my mom.

Thalia would join me in silence, and we'd pass the bottle back and forth without a word on our fallen friend.

But they would never understand, not truly.

None of them can.

After all, the gods have their homes once more, their schizophrenia vanished. The goddess of wisdom and war is at peace with the Athena Parthenos returned and the mark faded.

Jason still has Piper, and their future is still so blindingly bright. They can settle in New Rome and have a family as I'd once dreamed.

Nico still has his sister, and Frank still has his love as well. His firewood is still intact.

Leo found Calypso against the odds.

Grover still has Juniper.

Hazel feels empowered and happy for the first time in an eternity.

Piper finally feels loved by someone after years of being ignored by her father.

My mom still has Paul and I'm still technically alive.

They're all happy.

But I will never be happy again, not without her.

She had been my everything. My past, present, and future.

We were going to move to New Rome. We were going to live long, happy lives free of further godly intervention. I was going to fulfill all those promise made in the swirling River Cocytus. We were going to get married and have kids. Luke and Thalia, the names that'd once crossed my mind while in Tartarus.

But all that was gone. The dreams of a beautiful future destroyed with one stray sweep of a blade I'd been too slow to deflect.

Her body burned with all the rest. Her ghosts wandering somewhere in the Underworld, surely in Elysium.

Or perhaps not. Perhaps she's already been reincarnated.

We'd never dwelled on death, never shared our plans.

I'll never know where she is unless Nico tells me.

She's gone, nonetheless.

And all because of the gods. All because of fate.

No. No, all because of me.

Too slow, too stupid, too weak to save her, to block the swing that all but gutted her.

Never good enough before and certainly not good enough now.

Broken. Pained. Haunted. Blind. Dull. Useless. Drunk. Gone.

Without her, I cannot find the courage to fight.

Without her, I have no knowledge, lost in a confusing world without my constant advisor, my other much smarter other half.

Without her, I am nothing.

I raise the bottle, now half empty, in some twisted sort of salute. A whispered promise, maybe, made before the shadows rush me and I black out, fingers still wrapped around the bottle.

Sleep well, my friend

There will be another moment we'll meet again

Just let it go

Sleep well, goodnight

You're something to remember

I wish that you were here by my side

Erm, well...I hope you enjoyed that depressing little thing because I enjoyed writing it :)

I promise they won't all be like that though, they will be happy ones too!

So PLEASE tell me what you think and leave song suggestions, it would mean a lot!