Title: Harry Potter is a Dirty Exhibitionist
Author: eidheann (eidheann_writes)
Pairings: Harry/Draco, Ron/Hermione, mentioned or assumed Theo/Pansy, Neville/Ginny and other assorted canon pairings.
Rating: NC-17
Content: Sex (oh god so much sex) in a number of very inappropriate places; or multiple examples of accidental and accidental-I-swear almost-voyeurism, past and present.
Summary: The ten times they almost got caught and one time they did - a remix of Beer, Boyfriends, and Bedroom Talk by sophia_clark.
Word Count: ~13,000 (in 11 parts)
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, locations, Quidditch teams, and furniture, etc. are property of Ms Rowling and publishers. Original concept and some dialogue are property of sophia_clark. All characters engaged in sexual acts are assumed to be above the age of consent in every country I can think of. I'm doing this for fun, not for profit.
Author's notes: This was the starred request, and as soon as I read "sex on top of the china cabinet," I knew this was the fic for me. I hope (hope hope!) you enjoy where I went with this (because it did get away from me a bit), and have as much fun in the reading as I did with the writing this silly thing. Love and thanks as always to capitu for being the best, zeitgeistic for putting up with my flailings, and iwao for whipping this into shape in the kindest, gentlest way possible. I love you all. also, there is delicious delicious art for chapter 8 of this on AO3, if you follow the link to my livejournal

1.

Draco wouldn't say that he and Potter were friends, but due to the vagaries of Ministry Departmental regulations and employment, the years since the war had seen them frequently thrown into each other's company. Draco worked with Granger (and the sheer number of Weasleys ensured that when the inevitable happened and she married into the Ginger Horde, he would always call her Granger) on Level One, both Undersecretaries to Kingsley Shacklebolt. Pansy worked on Level Two as secretary to Gawaine Robards (and who knew the Weasel was almost as obsessed with the Cannons as she). Both Draco and Potter spent frequent weekends with young Teddy Lupin, spoiling the child in a game of one-upmanship both reminiscent of and gentler than their Hogwarts rivalry.

They weren't friends, but the rough edges of their relationship had smoothed enough to make them comfortable acquaintances. At least that's what Draco argued when he caught himself staring at the biscuit crumbs clinging to Potter's plump lower lip as they sat in the garden of Malfoy Manor at Teddy's sixth birthday party.

Of course it didn't help that Harry bloody Potter seemed to be aware of Draco's little infatuation. At least that's what Draco assumed, based on the absolutely pornographic consumption of cake frosting and the lingering glances Potter had been shooting in his direction across the sea of happily screaming 6-year-olds.

Buggering bastard. Draco rubbed his head, trying to will the nascent headache into submission, and thought longingly of the assortment of firewhisky in the locked cabinet in Lucius's study. It wasn't like Draco would be missed from the party. His father had heard the words "birthday party" and promptly absconded to France. His mother and Aunt Andromeda, along with Potter, Granger, Longbottom, and assorted Gingers were alternately herding and entertaining the little hooligans.

That left Draco free to make his escape. He snuck in the french doors of the study and bee-lined to the large cherry cabinet, opened it with a flick of his wand, and pulled out the nearest decanter with a sigh.

"Got any of that for me?

Potter's familiar baritone was so unexpected, Draco nearly dropped the bottle. "What are you doing in here?"

"Same thing you are. I saw you sneak out and thought you likely had a good idea of it. And now I know so." Potter's gaze meandered down Draco's frame until he nodded to the decanter still in his hand. "So, is some of that for me or am I getting my own?"

Draco knew he looked like an idiot standing there blinking, so he took a breath and attempted to gather his wandering wits. "Of course." He turned back to the cabinet and grabbed two glasses. "Single or double?"

"Whatever you'll give me." And how Potter managed to sneak up behind him to murmur in his ear, Draco would never know. He had a moment to recognize the heat of Potter's body along his back before he felt the first nibble under his ear. "Are you a one-finger? Or a two-finger?"

Draco's answer was a good deal less coherent, as he found himself squeezed snugly between Potter's chest and his father's liquor cabinet. "Mrglpf?" There was a low chuckle, the kind Draco felt down in his bones, and Potter pulled away enough to spin Draco around before pressing him back again, this time with his mouth.

And oh that mouth. Full lips, soft but firm were teasing against his. The fact that this was Potter of all people made little difference, and Draco moaned into the kiss, allowing his tongue to dart across Potter's lips and savoring the faint sugary sweetness of biscuits and birthday cake before delving within. When Potter pulled away again, all swollen-lipped and heavy-eyed and looking thoroughly snogged, Draco made a noise of protest.

"Just need to…" Potter looked around, and his eyes lit upon Lucius' desk. "Ah! Perfect!" He snagged a quick kiss before he manhandled Draco across the room and back onto it.

"I… What… Potter?" Draco's voice ended in a squeak as Potter began tugging at his flies, pulling until he was able to pull Draco's half-hard cock free. Then he dropped to his knees, swallowing it in one go. "Fuck!"

Potter laughed at him, but as his mouth was still full of Draco's cock, he didn't feel the need to complain too much. And when Potter pulled away enough to push Draco back fully onto the desk and slide his trousers down to his knees, he took long enough to suck one of his fingers before dropping back to Draco's cock, finger sliding back and tracing his hole.

Draco kicked his trousers off as best he could, one shoe remaining tangled inside the leg he managed to free completely, leaving the trousers hanging by an ankle. Hooking his free leg over Potter's shoulder, he took a moment to wonder at the situation. Him, sprawled across his father's antique desk, the blotter a ridge of smooth leather against his bare arse, with one foot still covered by a black sock and the other weighed down by his trousers and missing shoe, and the sounds of a dozen laughing and screaming children just outside the doors and sheer curtains.

Well, in for a knut… "Fuck, Potter. Are you going to do something down there or are you just going to tease me?"

At least that part of Potter was still predictable, and he countered Draco's tone by breaching him abruptly with two fingers. Draco gasped at the sudden intrusion. "Two fingers, I thought as much…" The burning stretch distracted Draco from Potter's words and smug tone, and then Potter was back, sucking down his prick and swallowing, leaving Draco to bite his fist to keep back the shout when he came down Potter's throat.

Draco focused on his breathing, and not on Potter's smug expression, as he sat up and ran shaky hands over his face. Potter's expression quickly turned to panic as Draco heard the sound of Girl-Weasel's voice, growing louder from beyond the french doors. Ducking quickly off the desk and underneath it, Draco listened to the door give an almost inaudible creak as it opened.

"Oh! Harry, there you are. Andy was asking for you. What are you doing in here?"

The desk creaked over Draco's head as Potter leaned against it. "Just getting a breather. Was just contemplating the liquor cabinet, actually. Want one?"

"No, and you probably shouldn't be stealing Narcissa's firewhisky, either. Come on before Andy comes looking for us." The desk creaked again and Draco listened to Potter's steps crossing the floor. "You okay? Did you twist your ankle playing football with Teddy earlier? You're walking funny."

Draco didn't laugh, but the thought of Potter having to wade through the party and back to his aunt with a hard-on made it a very close thing.