Sleepless.
Version 2 (one edit run-through by me)
Fic by Imbrii, who doesn't own anything... sadly. Companion fic to Insomnia... This is Tsuzuki's point of view, and is definately more.. coherant? Also a bit more citrus-y. Yeah.
http://www.ainself.net _______________
Something is wrong with Hisoka. He seemed edgy when he came into work, and avoided me most of the day. I got Watari to ask him what was wrong. Nothing. Tatsumi noticed and asked him. Nothing. But Tatsumi still dragged him to the meeting on the latest case, and he looked extremely uncomfortable the entire time.
Why won't he tell me what's wrong? Why doesn't he want to be around me? Did I say something wrong? Do something wrong? Does he not like me any more? Does he not trust me any more? It hurts so much, to see him eye me as if I'm about to attack him. He still wouldn't talk to me all the way to our hotel.
I try to hide the hurt, bury it under layers of other emotions so he won't be able to tell. The worry is easy to leave on top in place of it, but I can't let it be the only thing. I keep on talking, trying to fill in the silence with inane conversation.
Hisoka... why are your eyes so scared? I can't confront you about it, you'd probobly run away again. I'll just pretend things are normal a while longer. Maybe it will pass. Go to sleep praying you'll be ok tomorrow, hope that it will pass. Wake up tomorrow. He's already up, that's not like him--he looks tired. Did not sleep well? Did he sleep at all? I ask him how he's feeling and he grunts. I offer to cook breakfast and that manages to get a "NO!" out of him. Finally, the silence is broken. He says nothing more, and starts to make breakfast. Why won't you talk? Not another word until we're at the house where the case is, an unpleasant deal involving nasty murders. Brief sentances. Choppy words, nods and grunts. You still won't look at me.
What did I do wrong? Hide the hurt, look at the case. Look for the reason, the cause, why people are dying and not coming back. I can barely concentrate, because of worry and guilt. The day was a waste, no progress at all, because we never had a conversation. You were so distant, so cold--worse than when we first met--I'm tempted to try and bring it up, but I can't. I can't say anything serious to you, because I might make things worse, and do something wrong again.
Please talk to me, Hisoka. I can't sleep for a while, because you're still up, still pacing, reading, watching tv, looking outside, taking a shower... Why don't you want to go to sleep? What's wrong.... No, I can't force the issue, I can't take that chance. I'll be alone for a while. You still like me... right?
Wake up again and you look horrible. Have you eaten? Slept? So pale, so thin, so weary... How long have you been like this? Did it start while you were on break?
Were you like this before and I didn't notice? Is it my fault? It must be. It had to be. What did I do? Everything. How can I make it better? I can't... and you'll keep on giving me the cold shoulder. I'm sorry, Hisoka. All of it is my fault, so please.. please take care of yourself. Today is another nothing day. You say a few more words than before but avoid me like the plague still.
What have I done? I can't pretend to act normal any more. I just stay so quiet, not knowing what to say. I try so hard to hold all the pain back, to try and not pressure him. Evening is worse, because the room is so silent. Missing words hang in the air, no TV or radio can replace that lost conversation Time to sleep again. You look exhausted. Are you sick? I'm so worried but you'll hate me more if I try to interfere. I won't say anything yet, I'll try to make things easier but I don't know what to do. Why won't you talk to me? Sleep takes so long to come... I hope you sleep too. He does sleep... and wakes me up. Hisoka's throat must be raw from the screams ripping out of it with each breath, thrashing and shaking, pleading for it to stop, calling my name over and over. Sometimes in desperation, sometimes in despair, passion... but what scares me the most is when he calls it in fear. Scared of me... Why? I rush to his side, on the floor, where he'd collapsed from exhaustion, and try to confort him, try to pull him out of that nightmare. I don't know how long I called to him, shook him hugged him pleaded with him to come back... finally he did. He sat bolt upright and looked so scared, haunted, eyes too wide, shivering. I try to comfort him but he flinches and backs away. Why is he so scared of me? What was I doing in those dreams? Is that it? I don't know, but he looks so hurt, so vulnerable. Like a started rabbit he tries to bolt, but I don't let him go. I can't let him out of my sight like this. I put him in my lap and hold him to me, whispering whatever soothing words I could think of, running my fingers through his fine hair again and again. Finally he gives in. Sobs that tear my soul, mumbling that I can't decipher fill up the horrible silence. You keep saying my name, Muraki, fear, regret, pain, despair.... all flow out of your mouth in a torrent, unintilligable. Then one question sticks out above the swirl of syllables.
"Are you really Tsuzuki?" I don't understand, and I don't pretend I know. So I tell him, every time, that it is me here. I'm the only Tsuzuki, not a figment of imagination. But that isn't enough. He's still so frightened, trying hard to cling to reality instead of whatever haunts him. All I can do is hold him close and try to reassure, to soothe. I don't know how to prove it's really me here. What am I supposed to do? Tears are coming out despite all my efforts, I kiss him on the forehead and say anything that may help. Those eyes full of hurt fear pain lock into mine, I can't look away, I can't pull out of those emerald eyes and I don't think I really want to. All I can see is green, more and more and more until there is nothing but those eyes in the whole world. It is only when lips brush against mine do I realize that he is so close, inches from my face and kissing me. Hisoka is kissing me. I don't know what to think. Brain about to shut down. You kissing me kissing you why oh why is this really happening? Is this a dream? I don't know but my mouth decides for me, and kisses you back. Hisoka, Hisoka Hisoka, how... why...? Is this what was bothering you? Did you want me to love you? I'll do anything for you, anything at all....because I love you too. All of that love I never acknowledged, never knew was there is pouring out of me, can you feel it? Do my hands, my mouth, my mind express that enough? All the unsaid thanks for those words so long ago... I need you. He clings to me so tight, hands that won't let go, lips that refuse to leave mine for more than a second. He keeps wanting more, so I give it to him. I'll give him anything he wants if it helps wash away the darkness inside. I pick him up off the floor, gently lay him on the bed and he won't let me leave, he wants me to stay so badly. His words are garbled, but I hear repeatedly a desperate "please." So uncertain so insistant so afraid. I don't think he knows what he's asking for, but his pleading lips and searching fingers give me an idea. I'm so scared to touch you. What if you scream again? What if you're scared of me again? But I want the hurting to stop, I can't stand seeing you like this. I comply. I caress you as if you might shatter, gentle hesitant slow I hope I'm doing what's right I just want you to be ok. You seem so helpless I don't want to take advantage of you but you keep begging me for something and I'll give you everything because you deserve it. You deserve it. Slowly so slowly I ease him out of himself, out of that shell out of darkness out of everything that binds him, naked heart naked mind naked soul naked body so fragile, so fragile... He still begs me to prove I'm me, less scared but still unsure. Promises pour from me, loving feelings surging out to try and caress him, surround him in gentleness to keep away all that pain. I'll kiss away those tears as long as you want me too, I'll hold you as long as you want me to... because you need me. And I need you. Live for your sake.
Those scared eyes those rivers of red on your body...He must haunt your dreams. I want him gone, I want him not to touch you. I won't let him hurt you any more. I'll give you the opposite of his cruelty. I'll hold you gently and make you say my name in a way that make my insides flip. I love the sound of my name on your lips, it's almost as beautiful as your own. Hisoka... Hisoka Hisoka Hisoka I can never have enough of you.
Touch you so carefully and you say words I haven't heard in so long... so long. I love you. Tears come again because those words are what I've wanted to hear for so long... so long. I say them back. Again and again a thousand times aren't enough, magical litany that makes it all better, so happy to hear them.
Sweet kisses, whispering words I've longed for... Your nightmares are gone, you gave me a dream that I never want to wake from.
I'm not alone any more.
I'm loved and I love you.
Only after death could I find my heaven.
Finally.
Version 2 (one edit run-through by me)
Fic by Imbrii, who doesn't own anything... sadly. Companion fic to Insomnia... This is Tsuzuki's point of view, and is definately more.. coherant? Also a bit more citrus-y. Yeah.
http://www.ainself.net _______________
Something is wrong with Hisoka. He seemed edgy when he came into work, and avoided me most of the day. I got Watari to ask him what was wrong. Nothing. Tatsumi noticed and asked him. Nothing. But Tatsumi still dragged him to the meeting on the latest case, and he looked extremely uncomfortable the entire time.
Why won't he tell me what's wrong? Why doesn't he want to be around me? Did I say something wrong? Do something wrong? Does he not like me any more? Does he not trust me any more? It hurts so much, to see him eye me as if I'm about to attack him. He still wouldn't talk to me all the way to our hotel.
I try to hide the hurt, bury it under layers of other emotions so he won't be able to tell. The worry is easy to leave on top in place of it, but I can't let it be the only thing. I keep on talking, trying to fill in the silence with inane conversation.
Hisoka... why are your eyes so scared? I can't confront you about it, you'd probobly run away again. I'll just pretend things are normal a while longer. Maybe it will pass. Go to sleep praying you'll be ok tomorrow, hope that it will pass. Wake up tomorrow. He's already up, that's not like him--he looks tired. Did not sleep well? Did he sleep at all? I ask him how he's feeling and he grunts. I offer to cook breakfast and that manages to get a "NO!" out of him. Finally, the silence is broken. He says nothing more, and starts to make breakfast. Why won't you talk? Not another word until we're at the house where the case is, an unpleasant deal involving nasty murders. Brief sentances. Choppy words, nods and grunts. You still won't look at me.
What did I do wrong? Hide the hurt, look at the case. Look for the reason, the cause, why people are dying and not coming back. I can barely concentrate, because of worry and guilt. The day was a waste, no progress at all, because we never had a conversation. You were so distant, so cold--worse than when we first met--I'm tempted to try and bring it up, but I can't. I can't say anything serious to you, because I might make things worse, and do something wrong again.
Please talk to me, Hisoka. I can't sleep for a while, because you're still up, still pacing, reading, watching tv, looking outside, taking a shower... Why don't you want to go to sleep? What's wrong.... No, I can't force the issue, I can't take that chance. I'll be alone for a while. You still like me... right?
Wake up again and you look horrible. Have you eaten? Slept? So pale, so thin, so weary... How long have you been like this? Did it start while you were on break?
Were you like this before and I didn't notice? Is it my fault? It must be. It had to be. What did I do? Everything. How can I make it better? I can't... and you'll keep on giving me the cold shoulder. I'm sorry, Hisoka. All of it is my fault, so please.. please take care of yourself. Today is another nothing day. You say a few more words than before but avoid me like the plague still.
What have I done? I can't pretend to act normal any more. I just stay so quiet, not knowing what to say. I try so hard to hold all the pain back, to try and not pressure him. Evening is worse, because the room is so silent. Missing words hang in the air, no TV or radio can replace that lost conversation Time to sleep again. You look exhausted. Are you sick? I'm so worried but you'll hate me more if I try to interfere. I won't say anything yet, I'll try to make things easier but I don't know what to do. Why won't you talk to me? Sleep takes so long to come... I hope you sleep too. He does sleep... and wakes me up. Hisoka's throat must be raw from the screams ripping out of it with each breath, thrashing and shaking, pleading for it to stop, calling my name over and over. Sometimes in desperation, sometimes in despair, passion... but what scares me the most is when he calls it in fear. Scared of me... Why? I rush to his side, on the floor, where he'd collapsed from exhaustion, and try to confort him, try to pull him out of that nightmare. I don't know how long I called to him, shook him hugged him pleaded with him to come back... finally he did. He sat bolt upright and looked so scared, haunted, eyes too wide, shivering. I try to comfort him but he flinches and backs away. Why is he so scared of me? What was I doing in those dreams? Is that it? I don't know, but he looks so hurt, so vulnerable. Like a started rabbit he tries to bolt, but I don't let him go. I can't let him out of my sight like this. I put him in my lap and hold him to me, whispering whatever soothing words I could think of, running my fingers through his fine hair again and again. Finally he gives in. Sobs that tear my soul, mumbling that I can't decipher fill up the horrible silence. You keep saying my name, Muraki, fear, regret, pain, despair.... all flow out of your mouth in a torrent, unintilligable. Then one question sticks out above the swirl of syllables.
"Are you really Tsuzuki?" I don't understand, and I don't pretend I know. So I tell him, every time, that it is me here. I'm the only Tsuzuki, not a figment of imagination. But that isn't enough. He's still so frightened, trying hard to cling to reality instead of whatever haunts him. All I can do is hold him close and try to reassure, to soothe. I don't know how to prove it's really me here. What am I supposed to do? Tears are coming out despite all my efforts, I kiss him on the forehead and say anything that may help. Those eyes full of hurt fear pain lock into mine, I can't look away, I can't pull out of those emerald eyes and I don't think I really want to. All I can see is green, more and more and more until there is nothing but those eyes in the whole world. It is only when lips brush against mine do I realize that he is so close, inches from my face and kissing me. Hisoka is kissing me. I don't know what to think. Brain about to shut down. You kissing me kissing you why oh why is this really happening? Is this a dream? I don't know but my mouth decides for me, and kisses you back. Hisoka, Hisoka Hisoka, how... why...? Is this what was bothering you? Did you want me to love you? I'll do anything for you, anything at all....because I love you too. All of that love I never acknowledged, never knew was there is pouring out of me, can you feel it? Do my hands, my mouth, my mind express that enough? All the unsaid thanks for those words so long ago... I need you. He clings to me so tight, hands that won't let go, lips that refuse to leave mine for more than a second. He keeps wanting more, so I give it to him. I'll give him anything he wants if it helps wash away the darkness inside. I pick him up off the floor, gently lay him on the bed and he won't let me leave, he wants me to stay so badly. His words are garbled, but I hear repeatedly a desperate "please." So uncertain so insistant so afraid. I don't think he knows what he's asking for, but his pleading lips and searching fingers give me an idea. I'm so scared to touch you. What if you scream again? What if you're scared of me again? But I want the hurting to stop, I can't stand seeing you like this. I comply. I caress you as if you might shatter, gentle hesitant slow I hope I'm doing what's right I just want you to be ok. You seem so helpless I don't want to take advantage of you but you keep begging me for something and I'll give you everything because you deserve it. You deserve it. Slowly so slowly I ease him out of himself, out of that shell out of darkness out of everything that binds him, naked heart naked mind naked soul naked body so fragile, so fragile... He still begs me to prove I'm me, less scared but still unsure. Promises pour from me, loving feelings surging out to try and caress him, surround him in gentleness to keep away all that pain. I'll kiss away those tears as long as you want me too, I'll hold you as long as you want me to... because you need me. And I need you. Live for your sake.
Those scared eyes those rivers of red on your body...He must haunt your dreams. I want him gone, I want him not to touch you. I won't let him hurt you any more. I'll give you the opposite of his cruelty. I'll hold you gently and make you say my name in a way that make my insides flip. I love the sound of my name on your lips, it's almost as beautiful as your own. Hisoka... Hisoka Hisoka Hisoka I can never have enough of you.
Touch you so carefully and you say words I haven't heard in so long... so long. I love you. Tears come again because those words are what I've wanted to hear for so long... so long. I say them back. Again and again a thousand times aren't enough, magical litany that makes it all better, so happy to hear them.
Sweet kisses, whispering words I've longed for... Your nightmares are gone, you gave me a dream that I never want to wake from.
I'm not alone any more.
I'm loved and I love you.
Only after death could I find my heaven.
Finally.