Chapter 31
Spike couldn't help but be a bit hurt. He understood that Buffy had missed Joyce and wanted to take care of her. He had missed the little girl too. But that didn't mean that she needed to spend every waking, and sleeping, second at the girl's side for three days straight.
Spike wanted to spend some time with Joyce, but Buffy wouldn't let him, or anybody else, near her. Buffy kept her coddled and stuffed with food and spoiled her rotten. It was clear from Joyce's face that she was beyond pleased with all the attention. Spike suspected she was already planning her next disappearance. Ice cream, toys, cartoons, movies, and of course, she didn't have a bedtime anymore or any restrictions at all.
And Spike had nothing to do. Dawn had gone home, and so had Giles. Since the crisis was averted, Xander returned to his own life. Buffy basically acted as though he wasn't even in the house, and so he found himself hiding in his room, doing his best to keep himself entertained.
Spike knew this was an extreme situation. Once Buffy got used to having Joyce around again, she would back off and things would be back to normal. He could wait.as long as things got back to normal within the next few hours. But what really bothered him was the realization that this was the rest of his life. Raising a small child, having a family, being with Buffy. Terrified him, really.
Joyce was cute and endearing when she was solely Buffy's responsibility. Joyce was a joy to be around when he didn't have to deal with the fact that he actually had to raise her. And spending a lifetime with Buffy would be ideal if it was just the two of them, slaying, fighting, fucking, maybe traveling a bit.
And besides, what did he know about raising a child anyway? Sure he took care of Drusilla for over a century, and she was child like, but that was a far cry from actually taking care of a real little baby. And there was no doubt in Spike's mind that if he became a real part of Buffy's life, he would be elevated to the status of daddy.
Also, he didn't like sharing Buffy's attention. It was bad enough that when they were sleeping together, he was always pushed off into the shadows, low on her list of priorities. Below her boyfriend, her family, her friends, her calling, even some of her hobbies. Now he would be below the kid, and rightfully so.
The thing was, Joyce and Buffy were a package and to put it simply, Spike didn't know if he could deal with both. Spike didn't know if he wanted to deal with both. But the only alternative would be to leave, and he didn't want to do that either. He couldn't leave Buffy, not when he had finally found her and the love that's been missing for a decade.
He knew he needed to talk to her about his feelings. If he had learned anything from his relationship with Buffy, it was that it was foolish to avoid talking about problems. So he bided his time, and waited for her to realize that a whole world besides the child existed, and allowed the doubts and insecurities to gnaw at his bones.
Finally, a week after Joyce returned, Buffy crawled into her bed and curled next to Spike, completely exhausted.
"Hey stranger," he greeted.
"Hey," she sighed. "I'm so tired."
"Have you slept at all?"
"Yes, but not much. I was scared to close my eyes. Scared I would lose her again."
"Feel better?"
She rested her head on his chest. "Yeah, I do now. Plus, I'm sure she's tired of me."
"You have been coddling her quite a bit. Smothering her, even."
Buffy swatted him gently. "I haven't been smothering her. I just wanted her to know how much I missed her."
"Can I show you how much I missed you?"
"Sorry, I know I've been neglecting you."
"S'ok, pet. Go ahead and go to sleep."
"Wanna come with us to the park tomorrow?" She mumbled before her eyes fell shut.
"What, luv?"
But her only response was a soft snore. That was another thing, wasn't it? How do you raise a daughter when you're stuck inside all day? Spike wasn't one for convention, and most of the time didn't give rules or expectations a second thought. However, he did believe that vampires were not meant to be fathers, and he was not meant to raise Joyce.
Spike didn't get a chance to talk to Buffy the next day either. She had to go to work, and pull some overtime to make up for missing so much. Fortunately for Spike, Joyce was sent to her normal daycare provider, and so he was free from that responsibility. When she came home, finally, she only had time for Joyce. Again. It became apparent to Spike that she didn't even realize there was a problem, it didn't even occur to her that there could be a problem.
Finally, he caught her one night before she got too wrapped up in her nightly chores. "Buffy, we need to talk."
"What? What's wrong?"
"I'm going to find my own place to live." Fuck, that's not how he meant to tell her. He was going to lead into it, explain his motivations, make it clear he wasn't leaving her. But sometimes his mouth got away with him.
"Why?"
"Because I think it would be best if we had some space."
"Space? Space for what? I thought we were doing just fine."
"We're doing just fine, Buffy," he assured her, slightly thrown by the panic in her eyes. "I'm just thinking of getting a nice crypt with a view."
"Crypt? You can't stay in a crypt!"
"Well, why not? I've stayed there before."
"I couldn't let Joyce be in a crypt, Spike."
"Who says she'll be in my crypt?" Wrong thing to say.
"Oh," she said quietly. "I see."
"Buffy, that's not what I meant."
"Maybe it's best if you just gather up your stuff and start looking now."
"Buffy, look. I just felt that maybe I'm in your way."
"Don't lie to me Spike. I think we're past that at this point. Just tell me the truth."
"The truth? I don't want this."
"What? Us?"
"No, I mean, I'm not prepared to help you raise Joyce."
"Nobody asked you to!"
"You don't have to ask, Buffy. If I'm going to be a part of your life, I'll be a part of hers too. There's no way around that."
"You didn't have this problem before."
"It was different before."
"So what do you want? You want to avoid her altogether? Do you want to leave me.us.and disappear for another ten years? What?"
"I just want to put a bit of distance between us. Back off a bit."
"Spike I need you in my life. Completely. I don't want to only see you on weekends. I don't want you to just be the guy I sleep with. I want you to be my partner. In every sense of the word."
"I'm not ready for that," Spike admitted softly.
"Will you ever be?"
In response, he shrugged.
"Jesus, Spike. After everything we've just been through, I can't believe you're pulling this."
"Pulling what, Buffy? Would you rather me just keep my doubts and concerns to myself? Just pretend that everything is perfectly alright?"
"No. I just don't understand why there is a problem at all. I thought you loved me, I thought you loved her."
"I do," Spike insisted. "But this is.I need some time."
"Fine, take all the time in the world." She stalked off, her face cloudy, her body tense. Spike couldn't help but smile slightly when he realized they just had a whole argument without exchanging blows.
He quietly gathered his things and left the house before Buffy came back downstairs. It was clear that she wanted him gone as soon as possible, and maybe it would be best to give them both time to cool off.
He was out of the house and halfway down the road within ten minutes, muttering angry curses at how stubborn she was and how inadequate he felt.
Spike couldn't help but be a bit hurt. He understood that Buffy had missed Joyce and wanted to take care of her. He had missed the little girl too. But that didn't mean that she needed to spend every waking, and sleeping, second at the girl's side for three days straight.
Spike wanted to spend some time with Joyce, but Buffy wouldn't let him, or anybody else, near her. Buffy kept her coddled and stuffed with food and spoiled her rotten. It was clear from Joyce's face that she was beyond pleased with all the attention. Spike suspected she was already planning her next disappearance. Ice cream, toys, cartoons, movies, and of course, she didn't have a bedtime anymore or any restrictions at all.
And Spike had nothing to do. Dawn had gone home, and so had Giles. Since the crisis was averted, Xander returned to his own life. Buffy basically acted as though he wasn't even in the house, and so he found himself hiding in his room, doing his best to keep himself entertained.
Spike knew this was an extreme situation. Once Buffy got used to having Joyce around again, she would back off and things would be back to normal. He could wait.as long as things got back to normal within the next few hours. But what really bothered him was the realization that this was the rest of his life. Raising a small child, having a family, being with Buffy. Terrified him, really.
Joyce was cute and endearing when she was solely Buffy's responsibility. Joyce was a joy to be around when he didn't have to deal with the fact that he actually had to raise her. And spending a lifetime with Buffy would be ideal if it was just the two of them, slaying, fighting, fucking, maybe traveling a bit.
And besides, what did he know about raising a child anyway? Sure he took care of Drusilla for over a century, and she was child like, but that was a far cry from actually taking care of a real little baby. And there was no doubt in Spike's mind that if he became a real part of Buffy's life, he would be elevated to the status of daddy.
Also, he didn't like sharing Buffy's attention. It was bad enough that when they were sleeping together, he was always pushed off into the shadows, low on her list of priorities. Below her boyfriend, her family, her friends, her calling, even some of her hobbies. Now he would be below the kid, and rightfully so.
The thing was, Joyce and Buffy were a package and to put it simply, Spike didn't know if he could deal with both. Spike didn't know if he wanted to deal with both. But the only alternative would be to leave, and he didn't want to do that either. He couldn't leave Buffy, not when he had finally found her and the love that's been missing for a decade.
He knew he needed to talk to her about his feelings. If he had learned anything from his relationship with Buffy, it was that it was foolish to avoid talking about problems. So he bided his time, and waited for her to realize that a whole world besides the child existed, and allowed the doubts and insecurities to gnaw at his bones.
Finally, a week after Joyce returned, Buffy crawled into her bed and curled next to Spike, completely exhausted.
"Hey stranger," he greeted.
"Hey," she sighed. "I'm so tired."
"Have you slept at all?"
"Yes, but not much. I was scared to close my eyes. Scared I would lose her again."
"Feel better?"
She rested her head on his chest. "Yeah, I do now. Plus, I'm sure she's tired of me."
"You have been coddling her quite a bit. Smothering her, even."
Buffy swatted him gently. "I haven't been smothering her. I just wanted her to know how much I missed her."
"Can I show you how much I missed you?"
"Sorry, I know I've been neglecting you."
"S'ok, pet. Go ahead and go to sleep."
"Wanna come with us to the park tomorrow?" She mumbled before her eyes fell shut.
"What, luv?"
But her only response was a soft snore. That was another thing, wasn't it? How do you raise a daughter when you're stuck inside all day? Spike wasn't one for convention, and most of the time didn't give rules or expectations a second thought. However, he did believe that vampires were not meant to be fathers, and he was not meant to raise Joyce.
Spike didn't get a chance to talk to Buffy the next day either. She had to go to work, and pull some overtime to make up for missing so much. Fortunately for Spike, Joyce was sent to her normal daycare provider, and so he was free from that responsibility. When she came home, finally, she only had time for Joyce. Again. It became apparent to Spike that she didn't even realize there was a problem, it didn't even occur to her that there could be a problem.
Finally, he caught her one night before she got too wrapped up in her nightly chores. "Buffy, we need to talk."
"What? What's wrong?"
"I'm going to find my own place to live." Fuck, that's not how he meant to tell her. He was going to lead into it, explain his motivations, make it clear he wasn't leaving her. But sometimes his mouth got away with him.
"Why?"
"Because I think it would be best if we had some space."
"Space? Space for what? I thought we were doing just fine."
"We're doing just fine, Buffy," he assured her, slightly thrown by the panic in her eyes. "I'm just thinking of getting a nice crypt with a view."
"Crypt? You can't stay in a crypt!"
"Well, why not? I've stayed there before."
"I couldn't let Joyce be in a crypt, Spike."
"Who says she'll be in my crypt?" Wrong thing to say.
"Oh," she said quietly. "I see."
"Buffy, that's not what I meant."
"Maybe it's best if you just gather up your stuff and start looking now."
"Buffy, look. I just felt that maybe I'm in your way."
"Don't lie to me Spike. I think we're past that at this point. Just tell me the truth."
"The truth? I don't want this."
"What? Us?"
"No, I mean, I'm not prepared to help you raise Joyce."
"Nobody asked you to!"
"You don't have to ask, Buffy. If I'm going to be a part of your life, I'll be a part of hers too. There's no way around that."
"You didn't have this problem before."
"It was different before."
"So what do you want? You want to avoid her altogether? Do you want to leave me.us.and disappear for another ten years? What?"
"I just want to put a bit of distance between us. Back off a bit."
"Spike I need you in my life. Completely. I don't want to only see you on weekends. I don't want you to just be the guy I sleep with. I want you to be my partner. In every sense of the word."
"I'm not ready for that," Spike admitted softly.
"Will you ever be?"
In response, he shrugged.
"Jesus, Spike. After everything we've just been through, I can't believe you're pulling this."
"Pulling what, Buffy? Would you rather me just keep my doubts and concerns to myself? Just pretend that everything is perfectly alright?"
"No. I just don't understand why there is a problem at all. I thought you loved me, I thought you loved her."
"I do," Spike insisted. "But this is.I need some time."
"Fine, take all the time in the world." She stalked off, her face cloudy, her body tense. Spike couldn't help but smile slightly when he realized they just had a whole argument without exchanging blows.
He quietly gathered his things and left the house before Buffy came back downstairs. It was clear that she wanted him gone as soon as possible, and maybe it would be best to give them both time to cool off.
He was out of the house and halfway down the road within ten minutes, muttering angry curses at how stubborn she was and how inadequate he felt.