Summary: A former association of Regina's signs her up to be bid on in a single ladies' charity auction, and Emma is forced to come to her rescue.

Disclaimer: I don't own Once Upon a Time. If I did, it would be a lot gayer.

Even with his memories restored, Henry still had the vague sense that there was something missing. There was still the matter of that other place setting at the table during the Holidays, and he simply couldn't imagine it being filled by a pirate. He had all ready lost one parent, and he wasn't planning on losing another.

As he and Emma headed to the library, he pulled out his phone and fired off a text to his current partner in crime.

Operation Charity Auction a go?

The responding text came back seconds later.

You bet, champ.

"I don't know why you want to go to the library, kid," Emma said beside him. "This is the first nice day we've had in months and you wanna stay inside and read?"

Henry grinned up at her. "Not necessarily. I heard something was going on there that we'll both want to see."

Emma raised an eyebrow at him. She barely had to look down to catch his eye. The kid was growing like a weed these days. "What are you up to, Henry?"

"Nothing!" the boy replied as innocently as he could.

They walked into the library to find it much more crowded than usual. Numerous citizens of Storybrooke had gathered around a podium occupied by a smoky-eyed, dark-skinned young woman with a green streak through her hair.

"Oh, I see," Emma rolled her eyes. "Henry, you're not even fourteen yet. The Frog Princess is 21, she's too old for you. Matter of fact, she was stuck in the enchanted forest for over 30 years, so she's technically much older than that."

The young prince felt a blush creep up his neck and rise all the way into his hairline. "It's not that, Ma!" he said quickly. "This is a charity auction! And you have room to talk. Isn't Hook about 400 years old?"

Emma scowled down at him.

"Frog convinced mom to hold this auction to raise funds for a new playground," Henry explained. He pointed towards the podium, where the Princess Frog seized the microphone and grinned wickedly.

"Next up! We have… Queen Elsa."

Beyonce's All the Single Ladies blasted from the speakers of a nearby iHome as the Frog Princess—a notoriously bad dancer, according to Regina—did the Charleston.

The Ice Queen, her face red with embarrassment, stepped up to the podium and stared at the ground. "Do I have a hundred bucks?" Frog asked the crowd.

To Emma's surprise, no one in the crowd raised a bid. Queen Elsa, like all the other fairy tale characters that seemed to randomly show up in Storybrooke these days, was a lovely creature. But most of the princes in the kingdom were taken and the pickins were slim. Emma wouldn't have bid on most of the men in the crowd herself, as most of the choices were unfortunate. A majority of them were leftover merry men from Hood's band and looked as though they hadn't bathed in months. Mulan was the only female in the crowd—gods only knew what was going on there.

"tsk tsk," Frog said in the microphone. "Come on, Fellas! This is for charity! So she's a little off, big deal! The cold doesn't bother her anyway."

"I'll put down a bid," Mulan piped up, her face it's usual expressionless mask. She raised a card that read $250.

"Sold! Very nice." Frog said, smiling. "You guys make a cute couple."

Else's ice-colored eyes widened. "But… she's a woman! I've never heard of such a thing."

"Let it go, Elsa," Frog snarked.

Emma rolled her eyes. "I don't know what you see in the Frog Princess, kid. If I wanted to put it down with some steampunk smart-ass I'd go find Gold. Hard to believe she was Regina's apprentice."

"Mom said she could be entertaining," Henry replied, his admiring gaze never leaving Frog. "Speak of the Devil…"

"Next, we have one of the best looking ladies in town. My former sempai… The Evil Queen, Regina Mills!"

All the Single Ladies played on the iHome again—Emma suspected Frog was using magic to make the song go off when she wasn't even touching the device. Regina appeared a moment later, looking up at Frog with a murderous glare that suggested she was going to pay for this later.

Frog grinned back at her delightedly and said in the microphone, "Now, I know you've all heard rumors that her vagina has teeth, and that's probably true. But there's just something about Regina Mills that gets to you, you know? Like when she gives you those sad puppy eyes or threatens to murder your family. Either way, bid enough and you can score a date with her! Do we have a hundred?"

The bids began immediately as several merry men held up signs. "Uh oh…" Henry muttered. He tugged on Emma's arm. "Ma, I think the Merry Men are bidding on her so they can bring her back to the Enchanted Forest to Hood!"

"Huh?" Emma watched as Frog rapidly auctioned Regina off. In a matter of seconds the bids had gone up to $400 and Little John was in the lead. Archie bid $450 and Little John bid $500.

"You're a hot commodity, your Majesty!" Frog crowed.

"I'm going to ruin you for this, Frog," Regina hissed to her old protégé from the corner of her mouth. "If it's the last thing I do."

Frog rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah you're the one who knocks. Cool it, Heisenberg." She turned to Little John. "And what will you do on your date with the Evil Queen, Little John?"

Little John grinned, showing a few missing teeth. "Well, I'm gonna take her into the forest to go four-wheeling. Then maybe we could roast some squirrels over the fire for dinner as we watch the sunset… and see where things go from there."

Emma could practically feel Regina's horror from across the room. Frog looked like Christmas had come early. Not surprisingly Regina had apparently done something awful to her many years ago. She had come to Storybrooke with the intention of getting revenge, and had changed her mind upon encountering Henry. But she still seemed to enjoy making Regina miserable on occasion. "$500… going once…"

Henry tugged on Emma's arm. "Ma, you have to bid on her!"

"What?" Emma looked down at her son, bewildered.

"Please mom! She can't go back to the Enchanted Forest! I'll lose her!" He looked so much like his father in that moment. The savior felt her heart shatter for him.

"Going twice…"

"I bid $1000!" Emma yelled wildly, raising her hand.

Several shocked faces turned to stare at her.

"A rack for the Evil Queen, huh?" Frog mused. "You're a high priced hoe, your majesty. Sold, for $1000! This concludes our exciting auction." All the Single Ladies began to play again as Mulan and the other men began to disperse, grumbling. Frog turned to Regina, whose mouth was slightly agape in surprise. "Saved again by your Baby Mama. Don't think I'm finished with you yet." She narrowed her eyes at the Mayor and disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.

Henry's eyes shone as Regina stepped down from the podium and approached Emma and Henry gingerly. "Thank you for sparing me from that unfortunate experience, Emma."

"Your misfortune isn't over yet," Emma said, folding her arms. "I'm still taking you out for drinks after I just dropped a thousand bucks to bail your ass out. And you're buying. I deserve to get drunk after all this."

"Perhaps you do," Regina sighed.

"Why even agree to be a participant in the auction in the first place?" Emma asked as Henry delightedly hugged his other mother.

Regina fondly stroked the messy hair on top of his head. "I had hoped it might cool Frog's apathy towards me. She's caused me a lot of problems lately."

"I'll say," Emma agreed, thinking about the call she'd gotten a few days ago from the Mayor asking for help. Someone—Frog, obviously, but they had no proof—had teepee'd city hall.

"Also," Regina continued, touching Henry's cheek lovingly, "Any contribution towards the new playground is worth it."

"I'm gonna go find Frog and see how much money we raised," Henry said happily. "I'll be home in time for dinner."

Both of his mothers called after him to be careful. Regina shook her head. "He seems to have inherited your unfortunate taste in the opposite sex. How is the pirate, by the way?"

Emma shrugged. "Well, I never said we were exclusive. I'll pick you up at eight on Friday."

She left the library before noticing the look on Regina's face.

A/N: Yes, the frog princess in this story is based very loosely off of Tiana in The Princess and the Frog, in case you were wondering—but only loosely. Like all Once characters (all though this one is obviously my own fictional version) there is more to her story.