Stan normally wasn't someone who skipped his weekly piano practice session to help his friends with their 'unit dilemma'.

So they better be damn thankful he did it this time.

He sighed as he rang Cartman's doorbell. He could really use some chamomile tea now. Or maybe some lavender. Oooh, black tea sounded great right now.

"Stan? What the fuck are you doing here?"

Stan found himself suddenly staring into Cartman's piggy eyes. Right. "Kenny called me here. Apparently, you had another one of your 'Get rich quick' schemes, and he wanted me to provide back up. From what he's read, the manual says that unit can break several bones and possibly a major organ."

Cartman leaned against the door frame, making it clear that he wasn't letting Stan inside anytime soon. "I don't need your help for your information. For one thing, Kenny was the one who called you over. And second, how bad can it be? They're robots. I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't be selling these things if there's a casualty rate involve-"

In background, some jaunty up beat foreign music began to play. "KENNY?! What the shit are you doing?" Cartman shouted as he quickly rushed back in, with Stan walking behind him.

Stan walked into a living room with an enormous box in the center, with Kenny to side playing the weird song on an iPhone. Kenny saw the enraged Cartman ahead of time and was able to dodge Cartman's hands of doom, but not before noticing that the box was beginning to convulse.

"Mmmph. (Shit.)"

He motioned to Stan with his hands to jump behind the couch. Cartman, on the other hand, wasn't as lucky as the (extremely) sharp remnants of the box began to fly.

"OW! AUUGH! FUCK! Dude, stop- ACK!"

Sometime later…

The music thankfully had stopped, along with 'the Turk's' dance movements. After grabbing a few band aids to cover up Cartman's injuries ('Sadik' as he said, kept profusely apologizing for nearly stabbing Cartman to death with his groove), the trio was ready to get serious about the whole unit situation.

"So…" Stan began hesitantly. "You're Sadik Adnan?"

The masked man nodded proudly. "The one and only!"

Stan looked over at the sulky Cartman to see if he was going to shoot off his mouth and piss him off like he usually did. When no cacophony came out, he decided it was safe to proceed on.

"Umm. Excuse me, Cartman and I need to talk for a moment." He looked at Kenny. "Hey Kenny, why don't you and Sadik here play a video game?"

Kenny nodded and ushered the unit away. Meanwhile, Stan got down to business with Cartman.

"Cartman." He hissed. "What are you thinking? How in the world are you going to get rich from a Turkish man?"

Cartman smirked. "A rock has more of life than you do Stan. These units are the hottest things on the Web among girls now! I got a coupon for a full set, so I'll just sell 'em all off for a grand or two!"

Stan scowled at Cartman's contented and proud grin as he skimmed through the manual. He quickly found a flaw in Cartman''s plan.

"Bad news man. You can't sell him." Stan jabbed his finger at the notice printed on the manual. "It's against the company's policy."

Cartman waved it off. "So what? The law's never stopped us before!"

Stan made a pained expression and looked over at Sadik, who was pouting as Kenny kicked his ass in Super Mario Bros. "I looked over at the manual a bit and apparently, this guy is not someone who you want to mess with. You saw what he did to you, conga lining solid wood into your organs! And dude, I think I saw a big ass sword in that box."

Cartman paled slightly at the mention of more, similar wood-stabby futures. "W-Well, the manual did say that they could get jobs and earn income…"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"What are they talking about over there?" asked Sadik as he threw a backwards glance towards the bickering pair. Cartman and Stan, he believed, were their names. The one he was playing games with was... Kenny. Yeah, Kenny.

Kenny gave him a shrug and a muffle as a reply.

Sadik exhaled out of annoyance. this guy only talked in muffles, geez. What is he, mute? The lack of responses he was getting from Kenny was beginning to grind on his nerves.

-You died...-

Sadik swore under his breath as Kenny beat him for what seemed to be the umpteenth time in the row. Holy damn, this kid was good. Sadik himself was beginning to feel pretty old compared to the teen next to him...

Some slight shouting occurred in the background, but it quickly ceased, with Cartman and Stan quickly returned, both appearing alright.

"Okay." Stan folded his arms as Kenny and Sadik faced him, taking a pause in the game. "Sadik. We, apparently, have been designated as your owners."

Sadik nodded slowly. This one always seemed hesitant, careful of his words. "Just one question. How old are you guys?"

All three of the boys looked at each. "Well... Cartman's 14, but Kenny and I both are 13."

Sadik's eyebrows shot up. "That young? Most unit buyers are female and 16-ish!"

"Not this again..." mutter Cartman quietly.

"Cartman," (insert dirty look at Cartman from Stan here) "decided buying you units was an excellent way to get rich by selling you. Luckily, I managed to talk him out of it, so you don't have to kill him. For now."

Sadik threw a suspicious look over at the chubby one. He already didn't seem very kind nor did he look like the type that was trustworthy. And now that he was planning to sell him off for profit...

"Mmmph." Kenny muffled. "Mmmmph? (Should we call over Kyle?)"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

In the end, Stan and Kenny voted to call Kyle over, despite Cartman's protests. While Kyle took no time to arrive at Cartman's house, the two quickly began to argue and bicker. Kenny decided inspect the manual thoroughly, with Stan looking over occasionally.

"Mmph!" Kenny exclaimed. "Mmmph mmf! (Wow, apparently they can get laid by other units, not to mention start relationships!)"

Stan briefly look over. "Cool. Does it say anything else?"

"Mmmmf. Mmmph. (Well there is a unit he apparently hates, Heracle Karpusi, but there's a chance for a romance between them. Or hate sex."

Stan chuckled, and then turned back to Sadik, who was looking contented as he watched the said Cartman and Kyle spar with each other.

"Those two hate each other, don't they?" mused Sadik as he watched Cartman and Kyle squabble.

"Tell me about it," sighed Stan.

"How do you four even manage being in a group together?" Sadik inquired.

Stan gave a shrug in reply. "Honestly, I don't know either."

"I would have though that a friendship between two people like them would have occurred only in once in a million circumstances." said the Turk, absorbed in thought.

"Like you having hate sex with a Heracles Karpusi unit?" Stan asked innocently.

Sadik's face flushed red and snapped, "Shut up. That never happened, you bastard."