Chapter 9

27 September 2016

Dear diary,

For the first time in a long time, my head actually feels lighter. I won't lie, it definitely has something to do with my friend... And I feel like a child who just found out the meaning of that word. But anyway, since that day almost a month ago when I'd told him everything, I feel like the weight I'd been carrying around has dissolved. I'm still not alright or anything - that's still miles away. But the days are a little bit easier. I don't have to pretend to be happy, because with him, I really am. Mostly.

Summer break has started since the last time I wrote here. Well, actually it should have started earlier. But I had taken summer school and extra courses to catch up with what I missed at the end of 1st semester. Not to mention the reassessment exams and all. Now, I'm confused because I don't know if I'll be starting second year in October or in Jan. I did enroll here in Jan for first year but that was only because I had to move. I'm probably going to end up asking Delilah what to do.

Speaking of Delilah, she's been absolutely unbearable lately. Why? Because Sirius and I are spending a lot of time together these days. And ofcourse, Delilah being Delilah knows all about it AND does not believe me despite all my reassurances that we're just really good friends. She's also gone and told the others that I've been hanging out with some sort of Hell's Angel bloke (her words, not mine) and they wouldn't stop taking the mickey out of me. Only Mark's been a bit tolerable. On the plus side, they haven't followed me anywhere in an attempt to get a glimpse of 'my secret lover' (which is what they've dubbed him). On the downside, it's only a matter of time :(

Del's sure that by the time Christmas comes around, we (as in Sirius and I) will be practically living together (*eye roll*). But whatever, I mean, she doesn't know the whole story now, does she? God knows I've tried telling her - patiently - that it isn't like that. Obviously it made no difference. It's okay though - if a bit annoying - because I know the truth. And I suspect Sirius does too, even if I haven't told him the details.

The truth is that it can never be that way. Not with him, not with anyone really. Because I can't. I can't bring myself to fall in love, or...or be okay with anyone falling in love with me (in the event that it ever happens). I really truly can't. I could never sentence a person to a lifetime of...well, me. Especially not someone that I care about. But more than that, I really don't think I have the ability to fall in love like a normal person in the first place. I know it sounds awfully unrealistic but let's just take a look at the past for a moment now, shall we?

Most of my 'relationship' and 'dating' experiences (if you could even call it that) were nothing more than drunken escapades. Its like I meet a bloke in a party when we're both half drunk and it leads to some snogging and then we'd just do it all over again the next time we meet. I've had 3 'boyfriends' - the first 2 were just flings of sort. The last one lasted for a year though. We even spent time together sober. But even he didn't make me FEEL anything. Drunken kisses, slurred conversations and even sex that one time, - which I didn't even remember very well the next day - they never meant anything in the end. I did it for the distraction. And for the heat. Some sort of friction. The heat of another body against mine; it was the closest thing to...the opposite of alone, was how I saw it. I remember the snogging; I'd try to, sort of...push my pain into him, and absorb the fire instead. That was the only thing I wanted badly or even felt. And that was the only reason anything ever got intense with me physically. Because I wanted to take as much as I could take. Because I was a real-life Dementor, that's why. I was even as unfeeling and emotionally blank as one. It makes me feel so disgusted now, looking back. I mean, I lost my virginity. And I didn't even REMEMBER most of that. My mind was just a huge blank and my only goal was to...well, I don't even know what it was. And that makes me feel so, SO fucking bad in the worst way. Bit if I do it (attempt a relationship) again, I know I'd still do the same thing. It makes me wonder if this makes me a sick person or just a really sad one. Probably a bit of both.

Or y'know, maybe I'm asexual. That would explain a lot. Because, I CAN love. Just y'know, not romantically. Love takes a lot of forms; familial, friendship, love for pets, love for an abstract thing and whatnot. And and ofcourse, there's also romantic love. And I do believe that the pure, real kind of romantic love exists in the world. Just, not for me. I'm healthier when I'm alone.

I mean, I don't even want to share living space with someone. Much less a proper relationship! Haha! No, I'm much better like this. Anyway, there's NOTHING wrong with being single. I have absolutely no qualms about the fact that I'd probably be living with around 50 cats when I'm old. Cats are cute and they never ask questions.

Haha...It's all sort of funny in a morbid way, isn't it, listening to my thoughts? Maybe that's why Sirius does it so much.

Hmm...Sirius. Me and him, we're friends. I just keep saying it again and again because it's so different! But still amazing :) He's the bestest friend I've ever known and I just adore him for that.

He has an uncanny way of knowing the difference between when I'm really fine and when I'm trying to seem fine. At times like the latter, he makes me talk about whatever goes through my mind. Sometimes, I get carried away (like I am now but you're a diary so its fine) and he just lets me blabber on. Not only that, but he actually listens. Like when I'm going off about something, he'd ask me questions as though we're having a proper conversation, like it isn't just me going bonkers. And then, I'd start on about something else and he'd just follow. If I start crying, he'd hold my hand until I stop. He's even made me promise to call him up whenever I have one of my episodes. I don't always do this though. I feel really bad about burdening him so much. Some nights he stays over, like that very first day. If only Del knew this bit...God, I shudder to imagine what she would do. But seriously, could there be a better friend?

Y'know, at times, I feel like this might be a very selfish sort of friendship from my side because he does so much for me and I do almost nothing for him. I couldn't even help him out with the books because of bloody exams. Can you believe it? My final assessment started right after that first week and I've been busy since. Well, maybe not BUSY but I just couldn't concentrate on anything else, atleast until it was over. After break started, there was no excuse though; I really should've done/said something. But we just hung out instead. He even brought me over to his house (which by the way, was huge) and I met his family (who've turned out really nice this time 'round UNLIKE...er, before). But we didn't do anything important. And now, I've got an interview coming up in 2 days for an internship at a psych services place. Also, I've coincidentally been feeling a bit hypomanic so I'm just too weird to do anything serious. If that even makes sense...

You might be thinking, 'why doesn't he just read the bloody book himself then?'. But for some strange, unknown reason, Sirius doesn't want to read PoA on his own. He's been done with CoS for ages but he insists that I be there for PoA and that if my schedule is tight, he'd just wait till I'm free. Not that I mind because I really don't, but this just so unlike him. Usually he'd be jumping at the chance to get to the bottom of anything. Even with the first 2 books, though he wasn't fond of reading, he breezed through them in just 2 days. But now... Is it some sort of omen?

Anyway, I feel really bad that I'm delaying the whole process, but Sirius didn't even seem to care when I mentioned it to him yesterday.

Reyna: Sirius, I feel like I'm being a very selfish friend.

Sirius: Why would you think that?

Reyna: Because you do so much for me. And I don't do anything. I haven't even helped you out with the books in about a month.

Sirius: We can start on those when you're done with whatever it is you have. I've waited this long, haven't I?

Reyna: But-

Sirius: You ARE doing something for me - you're being my friend. You're spending time with me, voluntarily. And it can't be that easy, constantly being in the presence of someone so awesome.

And then he'd winked. And I'd smacked him over the head. And he'd complained about my violent tendencies and I- ..you get the idea.

That's always his way - diffuse the tension with a joke. But I'm really scared. What if...just, what if I just want to be his friend BECAUSE it makes me feel better? I know nothing about being a good friend, after all. What if I'm subconsciously just using him for personal profit? Like...like some sort of drug. Or an emotional crutch or something? Like I'm not his friend for Him, but for Me? What if I'm just being a selfish bitch? Remember the Dementor? It's not like I'm above it...What if the Dementor's making an appearance in my friendships too?

Oh My God.

I really don't want it to be like that. I really hope it isn't. I don't. I really do like him for HIM though, not just because he makes me feel better. I could even make a list of the reasons if I had to...I want to make him feel better too, that counts for something, doesn't it? He thinks I don't notice, but somedays, I'd see a far-off expression on his face. Like he's trying to figure something out very difficult. And then, his face would fall for the slightest moment. I really, really, hate seeing that.

But I also wonder, if he gets his memory back, would that be a good thing? Would it make him happy to remember all that he's lost? To remember all those years spent in the worst kind of hell as a convict for murdering his best friend? I don't think so. I don't want him to break. Y'know? Fully into pieces. In the books, he made it, but only because he had something to live for - Harry. Here, there's nothing of that sort. It's just...its too much to go through. Too much to forget and remember and to accept. I can't bear to see it if... I can't even imagine it.

Sirius always seems (seemed) so...strong. Not just physically but mentally. He's so solid, and present and alive. It's something I wish I had. Even back before we'd met, I'd always admired that about him. Who else could go through Azkaban for 12 years and come out with their mind intact? Most people who have read the books usually thought of him as a bit...unhinged after Azkaban, recklessness and all that. Like he wasn't as sane as he let on. But I'd always thought he was the strongest of them all. He had broken parts within - and after 12 years in that place, is that a surprise? - but he was still very intact. Solid...Alive. He was reckless, maybe. But he was never not sane.

And now, if he does get his memory back, will he still be intact? I'm just scared that he won't be okay. What if he becomes unstable? Not in the reckless way, but like I am? He doesn't even have an anchor anymore...nothing to hold on to or live for. And a small selfish part of me also worries, would he still be my friend?

But you know, I couldn't hide his past from him, what kind of friend would I be then? I promised to help him and he trusts me. I can't break that. No, he HAS to know. And since its unavoidable, I'll make sure, if its the last thing I do, that he comes out whole. I swear. I'll try my fucking damnest to make sure this do-over or whatever this is, is worth it. That he gets the happiness he deserves atleast this time round. I might be a Dementor but I'll be damned if I let him become one as well.

Wow, things got a little dramatic there. But anyways,

Maybe that's what he needs. Like...you need a Patronus to ward off a Dementor, yeah? Maybe Sirius just needs someone to...to be willing to make sure he's fine. Like a metaphorical Patronus or something. I'm definitely no metaphoricalPatronus...I mean, its the same as a Guardian Angel right? But, I'm willing to give it my best shot. Because if there's one thing I learned from Sirius Black, its how to be a friend. After all, friends and Patronuses (Patroni?), how different are they, really?

(signed)

Reyna M Johnson.

Wednesday evening's interview actually went reasonably well. I'd remembered to dress appropriately (sleeveless white blouse, high waisted black skirt and a black coat), actually done something with my hair for once, arrived early at the office AND I'd spoken without stuttering. Although I HAD felt as though I was going to throw up, you couldn't really have told that by looking at me. Didn't stop me from internally panicking about how I'd done though. Needless to say, I was lost in thought all through the ride on the Tube and even as I walked home from the station.

Living in the West-End, I had to make my way through busy streets to get to my relatively quiet neighbourhood. I didn't mind though, since I had this weird obsession with watching the colours and lights from the shops whenever I passed by; especially at night. It was the reason why I went out of my way to walk along the bustle of the shopping districts, instead of just walking the 5 minutes it actually took to get to my flat from the station. Even with my mind elsewhere, I had no trouble finding the familiar route. But just as I was about to turn a corner, I heard my name being called.

"Rey!"

I turned, startled out of my thoughts, only to see Sarah clad in a orange mini dress and waving energetically at me. Behind her stood the rest of my friends dressed similarly impeccable, with identical smiles on their faces. Seeing the gang, a vaguely uncomfortable feeling arose in the back of my mind for some reason. But I pushed it aside. Instead, I made my way over to the lot of them, grin in place.

"Hey. What are you lot doing here?" I asked.

"We were just going to hang out and have a few drinks," Delilah spoke, gesturing to a bar a few feet behind. "We made plans last weekend, remember? Only you said you had the interview...?"

I slapped a hand to my forehead.

"Oh, right! Its over." Obviously.

"Well, you're free now, aren't ya? Can't get out of it now!" Kiran declared and steered me towards the bar, grinning widely.

"No-guys! I'm not even dressed proper-"

"And you can tell us all about your interview," Mark piped in, completely disregarding my sounds of protest.

Sometimes I really did wonder if these guys were my friends. But I, being the colossal pushover that I am, let myself be led inside with a sigh of defeat.

The bar was apparently some sort of joined bar and club (though I had no idea how they managed that). After the usual checking of the IDs and whatnot, we headed up the stairs and into what they called, 'The Dance Lounge'.

Despite my uneasiness, I could appreciate that the lounge looked pretty damn good. It wasn't as big as the places I'd been to in the past - the places that were big and always crowded, packed with sweaty bodies that impaired your ability to walk. This place was smaller and more intimate. It had all the features of a club, without the hassle of actually being in one. My eyes took a moment to become adjusted to the purple and blue colour scheme. Though it was still packed with people, the place was relatively empty compared to what it would've been on a weekend.

The five of us found seats right by the cocktail bar. As soon as the bartender seemed to be unoccupied, we gave him our drink orders. The gang turned to me.

"Okay, Reyna, spill."

"What?"

"What's wrong? Did the interview not go well?" Kiran asked suddenly, his tone uncharacteristically soft.

All it did was confuse me though.

"Huh? No, no. It went really well. Why would you think that?"

"Because, you haven't ordered anything," Delilah stated.

Was she blind or was she teasing me?

"Er, Del? I'm pretty sure I ordered a frozen strawberry margarita right in front of you."

"Yes, but it was virgin!" She said as if stating a crime. "Why didn't you get something proper?"

I blushed.

I was trying to avoid alcohol. As much as possible anyway. Apart from my...bad days - which I obviously couldn't avoid - I wanted to steer clear of it. I didn't want to become a full-time alcoholic, after all. But obviously I couldn't say that out loud without it raising some...er, interesting questions.

"Just not feeling in the mood, I suppose," I answered lightly.

Sarah did a fist pump. The stares turned to her.

"What? This is great! I was supposed to drive these-" She gestured to Kiran, Delilah and Mark, "drunken arses back. But you say you aren't drinking anyways? Could you please, please drive, Reyna?" She begged, eyeing me hopefully.

I shrugged.

"Sure. Where are you guys planning on crashing at, afterwards?"

"Our place," Kiran gestured to Mark.

Luckily, that was wasn't too far away. Kiran and Mark shared a flat near Soho.

"Consider it done."

They grilled me about my day, asking me endless questions about how the interview had gone. I assured them all that it had gone quite well. When the drinks finally arrived, we toasted to my "spanking performance" and "sure-to-be mine internship".

The first few rounds went normally enough. Being an alcoholic, I had a pretty good gauge of alcohol intake in general. And by the fifth round of shots, I could see they'd all entered tipsy land. Only Mark remained sober. On closer inspection, I saw that his glass - was that his third? - was still full to the brim. He wore a troubled expression, his blue eyes staring blankly off into space.

I frowned and looked around to see if anyone else had noticed but none of them had. Within minutes, Kiran and Sarah left for the dance-floor, followed by Delilah, who went off with some bloke from the next table. That left me alone with Mark. Deciding to seize the opportunity, I turned around in my seat so that I was facing him.

"Hey, what's the matter, Mark?" I asked, nudging his arm.

Mark flinched as if he'd been tasered, before his eyes flickered up to mine. Relaxing a little, he shifted in his seat.

"Nothing really," he mumbled.

Guys and their really sad attempts at nonchalance...

I sighed.

"I know you're lying. You can tell me, y'know? I'll try and help. If you want, I won't tell anyone."

Mark's only response was to trace the rim of his glass in silence.

Entering Phase 2: The silent treatment.

"Are you going to make me guess?" I tried again. When he still did not reply, I rolled my eyes and decided to try another method. Which included spouting off random guesses and utter bollocks and hoping for the best.

"Did you get a bad grade on your research paper? Or...Did your boss find out about that one time you nicked that Star Wars DVD from the store? Oh! Wait, wait! I know. It's a girl, isn't it? Finally realised you and Kiran are meant to be, have you? Too late, you've lost him now. He fancies Sarah," I finished, gesturing over to the dance floor where the two in question appeared rather cozy as they swayed to the beat.

That finally got him to crack a smile.

"You got me, Rey," Mark said before his expression suddenly turned sorrowful in way that it couldn't have been anything but fake. "Guess my love will always remain in the shadows now."

I grinned, playing along.

"You've got no one but yourself to blame, Mark. You've driven him into the arms of another woman!"

Mark made a swooning impression.

"I was simply too late. Curse my treacherous heart!" He looked toward Kiran and Sarah's direction before continuing. "Oh my love, how would I go on?"

The person standing next to where Mark was sat gave us both an odd look and we both burst into laughter at once.

I was trying to stifle my giggles with one hand when I suddenly caught sight of someone standing on the opposite side of the room. A very familiar looking someone...

He turned in that exact moment as if he sensed my presence as well (and wanted to make my life a hell), his grey eyes widening in surprise at the sight of me.

I repressed the urge to groan. Why, oh why, had I agreed to come here? And why did he always have such perfect timing? Just why?

I flashed a small, quick grin at Sirius hoping he would, for once, know to stay away and turned to Mark before he could notice.

"So...its not really Kiran, is it?" I asked.

"No, definitely not!"

Please don't come over, Sirius...For the love of God, please stay away...I do not need to be teased anymore...Please, please, stay...

"It's just..." Mark ran a hand through his hair and blew out his cheeks. "You're right. It's a girl."

"Oh," I suddenly perked up. "Do I know her?"

Mark smiled wryly.

"May-be," he replied evasively.

I punched his arm.

"You can't just say things like that and not tell me who, Mark!"

"Ow, by the way!" He rubbed his arm. (What is with these huge blokes not being able to take a small punch?) "And you've got to tell me about this Hell's Angel boyfriend of yours before I tell you anything."

As if, right on cue, a familiar voice spoke. "Excuse me, can I get by here?"

Why? Just, why? Why?

Stop overreacting, Reyna.

Why does this always fucking happen to me?

Stop whingeing.

But-

Shut. Up.

Sirius was standing right behind Mark in his leather jacket, his eyes twinkling with suppressed humor. The prat had probably come over on purpose, knowing how much it'd annoy me. Or maybe he just wanted to eavesdrop on my conversations. Whatever the case, it did not make me feel too kindly towards the git.

Mark withdrew his foot, which was stretched out, and shifted out of the way as Sirius edged past and sat down on the empty seat on my right.

Oh, buggering hell.

"So," Mark continued as if we hadn't been interrupted. "That's the deal - we swap stories. You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine." He finished, grinning as if he already knew I'd concede.

Curiosity killed the cat. The person who said that was probably me in another life, I tell you.

"He isn't my boyfriend," I said through gritted teeth. "He's just a friend."

Mark quirked an eyebrow.

"Really? Are you quite sure?"

"Yes!"

I must've yelled it louder than I expected since a few people seated nearby looked our way. I took a deep breath, before speaking in a calmer tone.

"What else do you want to know?"

"Er...is he really, a Hell's Angel?"

Even I had to smile at that. On my right, Sirius snorted into his drink.

"No. I mean, he owns a Harley, but no. He isn't. I don't think."

"Alright. But y'know, Delilah said-"

I cut across before Mark could finish.

"And we all know Del never exaggerates." I deadpanned. "Look, he is a friend. A very good friend at that, but he's not my boyfriend. Is it not possible for girls and guys to be just friends?"

"I never said that! So, you aren't-you don't like him? This...whats-his-name? Something or the other Black?"

My mouth automatically started to say 'Sirius' when a sudden coughing fit came from my right; from the very person the conversation was about. I caught myself, remembering that I was not supposed to say that out loud.

"James," I stated, giving his abnormally coincidental alias instead.

"Er, right. You don't like him? Like, you're not secretly in love with this James bloke or anything?"

I shook my head. The uneasy feeling I'd felt before was only intensifying by the moment.

Mark nodded, taking a sip from his glass, before speaking.

"What about him?"

I looked up from where I'd been trying to scratch off the chipped nail polish from my nails.

"What about him?"

"How do you know if he doesn't like you?"

Sirius, for once, was quiet beside me. Possibly because he was choking on laughter. Or dying of shock. Or maybe he just felt insulted. Well, you get the gist.

"Er...because he doesn't?" I offered.

Mark rolled his eyes.

"How DO you know, Rey?"

I made a face.

"I'd almost think you were Del in disguise, what with all the cross examining and relationship analysis, Mark."

"Just answer, love."

More often than not, I prided myself on my ability to stay cool during difficult situations. Atleast on the outside. But I was seriously - no pun intended - feeling the pressure now, with both guys waiting for my response. There wasn't anything going on, ofcourse - that wasn't the problem. The problem was, that I couldn't answer without going into detail about you-know-what.

"You know, I don't know. But I'm quite positive he doesn't. Feel that way, I mean." I paused for a moment, trying to phrase it properly. "He, er, has some tough things to sort out. Personal problems, y'know? I don't think he's looking to start anything with anyone at this point. And," I snorted, before continuing. "...if you know, he really wanted to, I wouldn't even be a choice, trust me."

Mark frowned in confusion.

"Why not?"

Because he knows me, I wanted to say.

But I answered,

"Well, he could have any girl he wants. He's very...good looking, I guess you could say. Completely out of my league. Why would he want me?"

Mark's head was tilted to the side as he pondered the answer before he started to chuckle.

I took that time to sneak a glance to my right, where Sirius was seated.

He was sitting up straight, his posture rigid, as he swirled the glass full of...well, something, in his hand. When our eyes met, his posture relaxed infinitesimally, and his mouth curved into a tiny side smile. His eyes still remained hard though. I wondered what that was about.

I turned back to Mark who had stopped laughing.

"Okay, fine...I'll take your word for it. But supposing that he did, would you say yes?" He asked.

Would I? Probably not. If it ever happened that is.

"Um...I don't know. I've only ever seen him as a friend."

"Really? Are you sure?"

I nodded.

Suddenly, Mark picked up his glass and downed the remaining whatever-it-was in one gulp. He cleared his throat, and faced me, his expression determined.

I realised - too late - what exactly this was about, a split second before he actually asked me the question. That didn't make it any less shocking to hear the words come out of his mouth, though.

"So, if I asked you out now, would you say yes to me?"

?!

My mind became completely blank for a moment as I wondered how the hell this could've happened and how I'd never seen it coming.

Suddenly, a booming voice called out, startling both me and Mark (who was intently waiting for my answer).

"Oi, Black! There you are! Where'd you disappear off to?"

Two blokes, looking very Hell's Angel-ish, were approaching the table. More specifically, the seat beside mine.

"Yeah, James. We thought we'd lost you mate," The second guy added.

It was exactly like watching a train wreck. Mark looked absolutely gobsmacked as he looked back and forth between me and Sirius.

"This is Him? James Black?"

Sirius leaned over toward Mark, a very unsettling grin on his face.

"I am him. Nice to meet you," He said, extending his hand.

Mark, though perplexed, reached over to shake it.

And me? I was sitting in the middle, feeling extremely awkward, wishing I'd just told my friends 'No' for once and been on my merry way home.

AN: I know this is long overdue! I'm so sorry for that. I had an accident which had my right hand in bandages for weeks. Anyways, I'd like to thank LunaPotter-BlackMPP, graciegirl000, noemifin, Charm0900, Alex-Kurotani and PureAngelEyes for your favs/follows. Also thanks to Guest and MarinaAstriella for reviewing.

I'm kind of in the middle of a family crisis and I'm finding it hard to continue. Reviews motivate me to update faster. So, please?

~Bekah.