A/N: Hi, Twilighters and readers. This is supposed to be a parody of The Frantic's 'Boot to the Head' episode. I don't own anything except myself. ALSO! Everyone is HUMAN in this story! Okay, now shoo! Read, please!
Boot to the Head!
"As the executor of Mr. Cullen's estate, I've been empowered to read Mr. Cullen's last will and testament." Jacob started, gesturing to a piece of paper in his hand.
The rest of the Cullen family was seated at a table, Bella sniffling, as she was the most emotional one.
"Well, get on with it! The fire's open soon." Emmett snapped, crossing his arms. Rosalie quickly shushed him.
"Oh poor, dear Carlisle." Bella bawled, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.
"There, there, there, Bella," Edward tried to comfort.
"Oh, god, how predictably boring." Jasper groaned.
"I never married a kinder man." Esme beamed.
"If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading." Jacob looked around the table.
"Oh, I knew it." Jasper muttered, while Emmett snickered at him.
"'I, Carlisle Cullen, being of sound, mind and body-'"
"That's a laugh!" Emmett laughed.
"'-do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows: To my over-emotional daughter-in-law, Bella…'" Jacob glared at Emmett for interrupting.
Bella continued bawling while Edward tried to shush her.
"Bella, darling, he's talking about us." Edward pointed to Jacob.
Bella hiccupped for a few moments. "Oh."
"'…who grubbed with her husband Edward, grubbed for everything they could get from me, then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy…'" Jacob continued.
"…What?" Bella blinked.
"'…To Bella, I leave: A boot to the head.'"
"A what?" Bella was hit by a flying shoe. "Ow!"
"Bella, are you okay?" Edward had a mini-panic attack.
"'…And another one for her wimpy husband, Edward.'"
Edward was hit by another flying shoe. "Ow!"
Emmett laughed at them while Bella turned dark pink in anger.
"This is an outrage!"
"'Ah, but still, you are my daughter-in-law. You have both admired my Rolls-Royce and since I no longer need it-'"
"Oh, dear Carlisle, he's too kind!" Bella interrupted.
"'-I bequeath another boot to the head.'" Jacob frowned at her for interrupting.
"What? OW!" She cried, another boot making its way across the room.
Emmett was laughing at them while Jacob exclaimed, "'And one more for the wimp.'" And threw another boot at him, hitting him smack dab in the middle of the forehead.
"OW!"
"'NEXT, to my alcoholic son,'"
"Hey, I don't want no boot to the head!" Emmett exclaimed, taking a quick drink from a cup of water nearby.
"'To dear Emmett who had never worked a day in his drunken life,'"
"I'm covering up my head!" Emmett yelped, covering his head with his arms.
"'I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey.'" Jacob finished.
"…Really?"
"'And a boot to the head.'" Jacob threw a boot.
"D'oh!" He yelped.
"'And another for Bella and the wimp!'"
"Ah!"
"Ow!"
"'Next, to my know-it-all son Jasper…'" Jacob continued on.
"This is so predictable." Jasper pointed out.
"'…I leave a boot to the head,'" Jacob threw another shiny boot from the decreasing pile at his feet.
"Oh! I knew it." Jasper groaned.
"'and one for Bella and the wimp.'"
"Ah!" "Oh!" Both cried, falling to the ground with an epic THUMP.
"This takes care of family obligations." Jacob skimmed the will. "'And now, to my wife, Esme.'"
"Oh, I don't want nothing." She chuckled.
"'Who took care of me faithfully these many, many years. Who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea,'"
"Oh, I didn't mind."
"'To Esme I bequeath…a boot to the head.'"
"Ooh!" Esme yelled, a boot flying off her head.
"'And one for Bella and the wimp.'"
"Aah!" "Oh!" They cried from below the table as Jacob threw a boot at them from under the table.
"'And so to my two daughters, I leave my entire vast boot to the head!'" Jacob threw a boot at each.
"'And finally, to my lawyer who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head, but a rabid Tasmanian Devil…to be placed in his trousers…'" Jacob squirmed. "'Ahh! Ooh, ha, ha, ha! And…and I leave my entire estate of ten million dollars to the people of Forks so they can afford to move somewhere decent!'" Jacob finally whacked his head on the table.
"…That it?" Edward asked, helping Bella and himself up from below the table.
"That's it?" Jasper seemed angry.
"That's disgraceful!" Emmett cried.
"There's one last thing for everyone." Jacob lifted his head from the table.
"Cover your heads, everybody!" Emmett yelped once more, and everyone except Jacob immediately covered his or her head.
"'I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream.'"
Everyone looked to each other in confusion.
"Ice cream?" Edward looked to Emmett.
"Ice cream?" Emmett looked to Jasper.
"Ice cream, that's all?" Jasper asked.
"That's all." Jacob confirmed.
"Well, what flavor is it?" Esme inquired.
"Boot to the head!" Jacob exclaimed happily as he rapidly threw boots at everyone else at the table until his pile was empty.
And after that day, Jacob was fired from reading wills.
THE END.\