I think it's better this way,
This is good in a bad way.
I'll make this perfect again.

- Marianas Trench (Perfect)

The last thing thing she remembers-or perhaps the first? is two bright, yellow lights of a car.

Then,

darkness.

x

She floats back into consciousness and is facing the ceiling when she opens her eyes, has to focus and refocus to clear her vision. Blinking once, twice, three times. There's an outline of a tan girl at the end of the bed that comes into a focus-a bed she doesn't recognize and a girl that's even more foreign when she lifts her head up from her arms.

She's got freckles and dark eyes that have relief in them when she says, "Y-You're awake."

A nod. The other girl's head hurts, so she closes her eyes again and drifts back off. She feels something squeeze her hand as she slips into the darkness.

x

When she wakes back up again the girl is still there. She doesn't know how long it's been, but her headache has eased. Instead she feels…

Nothing. Blank.

She shifts, moves to sit up and winces as pain shoots down her spine. The other girl lifts her head back up and looks alarmed. "Historia-"

Who?

She gazes emptily at the tanner woman. Opens her mouth, shuts it, tries again.

"Where-" she cuts herself off and looks startled at her own voice. The tanner girl moves to brush her fingers against a cheek but she flinches away. Eyebrows draw in.

"Historia?"

Another blank stare. Her head is starting to pound again.

"What is Historia?"

x

She repeats the information in her head. Over and over and over. Word for word, what the doctor had said.

"Your name is Historia Reiss, you are twenty-one years old. You were hit by a car trying to push a child out of the way one week ago. You suffered severe damage to your back and head, and while it looks like your spine will be okay, you appear to be suffering from some form of memory loss."

There was nothing that could be done, he said. Her memories may come back- or they may not. A new start on life! one of the nurses said. Just trying to make it easier. They all looked at her with eyes that had pity in them.

It made her feel sick to her stomach.

The phone she was given-Historia's phone- has so many pictures on it. She looks at the girl who looks like the one she sees when she looks into the mirror, smiling and laughing with big blue eyes and posing with other people. Lots of them with the girl who was there when she woke up. Can't remember her name right now. Some with a big blonde guy, some with a small blonde guy. Swipe after swipe after swipe there's a new face she doesn't recognize taken at a date she doesn't remember.

One of the pictures of her and the other girl is set as the phone background. It makes her stomach twist in knots, to think that this was someone so important and she can't even remember her name.

x

"Do you not have somewhere to live?" her voice still sounds so foreign to her as she speaks, addresses the other girl who showed her to her home. Ymir, she reminds herself. Ymir. It's a weird name, but she guesses her own isn't exactly the pinnacle of normalcy.

Ymir hesitates for a moment, gives her what she thinks is a sad smile. "...I do, but the doc told me to keep an eye on you. For awhile."

"Oh."

She moves her eyes back around her apartment, presses her hand against a cool, painted wall. Traces her fingertips across the couch and table and tries not to think about the way Ymir looks at her when she knows she's not looking.

x

After a few days, there's still nothing. Ymir tries everything. Tries to make inside jokes with her to see if it jogs anything, shows her pictures. People come by to see them, re-introduce themselves to her one-by-one but it's still so many names to match with so many faces and by the end of it she's exhausted. Reiner Bertholdt Annie Eren Mikasa Armin Mina Sasha Connie. It all runs together and they're all laughing like there's absolutely nothing wrong and she knows they're doing it for her but it only serves to make her feel like an alien in her own body.

It makes her sick. They talk like old friends and prattle on about things that happened in the past as if that would help, and it makes her want to rip out her hair and scream I'm not your Historia I'm not your Historia I'mNotI'mNotI'mNot-

Finally Ymir catches on to her growing frustration and makes them all leave. It's quiet again. Her head hurts, but she feels eternally grateful to Ymir. She gives her a rare smile before drifting off on the couch.

x

"Can you tell me about what Hist-What I was like?"

Ymir hates it when she talks about herself like she's someone else. They're in the car, on the way to another doctor visit. She feels like Ymir would be able to tell her who she was best.

"Hm." Ymir chews her lip for a moment. "Cheerful. Nice to everyone. Probably too much, that's what got you into this mess in the first place." she smiles bitterly. "I told you not to, that that martyr personality was gonna get you in trouble someday-"

"Did you tell me what to do a lot?"

The question is legitimate, said without malice, but still catches Ymir off guard. Her eyes dart from the road to Historia's face as she frowns. "Er, I-Not like that, I mean-" she clears her throat. "Anyway, back to you."

"What did I like?"

"Pastries. Riding horses. You said when you were little you wanted to be a jockey, you would've been pretty good at it too. You liked-like being around others and, others really like being around you."

Historia blinks and stares at the palm of her hands. Such large shoes to fill. "Sorry, I'm not a very good Historia Reiss, am I?"

Ymir pulls into the hospital parking lot and stays silent for a few moments. Finally, she takes a deep breath. "You'll always be a perfect Historia to me."

x

There's a stack of notebooks under the bed, she finds them when she's searching through her room… Historia's room. Diaries, dated all the way back to the beginning of high school. She pours over them, drinks in every last bit she can get. Who she was. Who she needs to be. Memorizes the words, the unfamiliar handwriting. Cursive, and it flows so pretty. Her writing now looks like a middle school boy's writing.

She met Ymir in 10th grade, started dating her in 11th. Five years. She isn't surprised by the information.

She wrote so much. Every day was something new, details she wished she could remember. Being head cheerleader and getting thrown off a crazy horse and her first party and the taste of the chocolate pudding she ate on her and Ymir's first date. Written down for her convenience, but it almost felt wrong-like she was reading someone else's diary, not her own inner thoughts.

"You'd never let me read any of those."

Ymir's standing in the door way, looking at her with a sad look in her eyes. Historia's face stays blank as she moves toward her. "You always said they were embarrassing, not worth looking at. I always respected your wishes, but-I was always curious." she grins, and Historia blinks.

"You loved her, didn't you?"

A beat of silence. Ymir finally closes her eyes and nods. "More than she'll ever know."

The implications of that hang in there air for a moment, before Historia breaks the tenseness again. "I think… Maybe… You're the one who doesn't know. She loved you so much. It's so obvious." Ymir freezes, but Historia continues, staring back down at the book in her lap.

"She wrote in here exactly how many freckles are on your cheeks, nose, and shoulders. Counted them three times in your sleep one night. Likes the way your eyes light up. Loves the way you're true to yourself, the texture of your hair, that one time you you let her paint your nails green and didn't even grumble about it. Every single little nuance you can think of, she wrote about it."

Ymir listens, before breaking out that fond smile she sometimes uses and it makes Historia lower her eyes to the ground. She was smiling at who she was, a memory, not who she is. She tries to remind herself of that.

"Sorry, Ymir, I think I'm a little tired right now. I'm going to bed early tonight."

The tanner girl hesitates, nods.. "'Night, Historia."

"... Goodnight."

x

Ymir comes back home from the store the next day and Historia is nowhere to be found.

Panic runs through every single vein, muscle, bone she has. Her cell phone is laying on the table-no way to contact her. She calls everyone she can think of, no one's seen her either. She's just about to call the police when the front door opens and there she is herself, Little Miss Goddess carrying a plastic sack with her golden-blonde hair pulled back.

"Where have you been?" Ymir means to make it sound more snappy but it just comes out exhausted and worried and desperate.. It makes Historia flinch and dip her head down.

"I-" she starts, and then stops, pulling out what was in the bag. Brownie mix. Ymir cocks her head in confusion, but before she can ask Historia continues.

"I went to the animal shelter to go see if I can volunteer. It took awhile because I needed to write my name down so they can contact me about this initiation program I need to go through first." she sucks in a breath, and her voice cracks when she says "Isn't helping people and animals what Historia would have done?"

Ymir opens her mouth but Historia just keeps talking. "And then I went to the store to pick up some brownie mix. Historia used to love to bake. I read about it." she sniffles. "I tried to-to read some recipes but I couldn't understand them, so I thought it would just be easier to do it t-this way."

"Historia…"

Her lips curl at the pain in Ymir's voice. The package drops to the floor and her hands ball up into fists at her side as she looks up at Ymir with teary eyes. "I'm not though! I'm not Historia yet!" there's frustration in her wavering voice. "I'm not good enough-I told the people at the shelter I'd have to come back later because I couldn't remember my own phone number, I can't even read a simple brownie recipe! I'm not…. I'm not good enough yet…"

Ymir takes a step forward but Historia's head is spinning. She presses backward, until her back hits the wall and slumps down. Hair is slipping out of her ponytail, and it falls around in small pieces to frames her face. Ymir slides down, leans against the wall beside her.

"Good enough for what?"

Historia lets out a bitter laugh. "For this. For everything." she pauses. "For you, mostly."

Ymir doesn't even miss a beat. "You'll always be good enough for me, idiot."

Historia shakes her head.

"And if I don't remember anything, ever? Any of the past? Only know what I know from reading journals and hearing people talk about me?" she takes a shaky breath. "You'll still love me? Love Historia?"

The words tangle in Ymir's throat but she manages them out anyway. "... I never stopped and I never will."

She meets Ymir's gaze, wipes away the tears obscuring her vision.

"Historia still loves you. I still love you. I didn't understand why… Or even what, until I read the diary, just knew that I wanted you to be by me and appreciated your presence. I think I might have known that there was something even before I read what she-what I wrote. But it's like… Like reading someone else's life and it sounds so great but it didn't happen to me. It's not fair, that you can remember our first meeting and the first time we held hands and even our first kiss and none of that has happened." she shakes her head. "Not to me."

Ymir reaches up and wipes away a tear on her cheek, before cupping it and leaning in. It happens slowly, gives Historia enough time to anticipate it, but she's kissed so softly and gently that butterflies flutter in her stomach and move up to her chest. She doesn't know where to put her hands and it feels awkward but so natural and right that she almost whines when Ymir pulls away.

"And now, you do remember our first kiss." Ymir clears her throat and says it with a smirk as she pulls back and hops up off the floor, and it makes Historia want to pout and press her lips against the other girl's again and-

"Why don't we try baking these brownies together? You'll have to stop me from eating all the batter though…."

- And for the first time, she really, truly feels like maybe she could be Historia Reiss.

A/N: hmmmm i think i kind of started losing it at the end. anyway I had been meaning to write a couple things for femlsash feb but time kind of got away from me so have some sad/fluffy random yumikuris. isn't it truly incredible that i can write something other than ereri?