Title: Chasing Dreams
Beta-reader: shadowwanderer (lj)
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it isn't mine.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author's Note: This excerpt is dedicated to Kurtgirl on AO3, who wanted to have the mystery of the kidney resolved.
Also, Warning for mention of Finn's death.

_ooo_

Of Visits and Introductions

Kurt took off running for his father, who held his arms wide for Kurt's sobbing figure. He still blamed himself for Finn's death. If he hadn't been cuddling with Adam when Finn died, he might have seen something, in order to prevent the death. He could have phoned Noah to tell him that Finn's drink was spiked with drugs. For once, he didn't know any more than anyone else – and it was a scary thought. The investigation was on-going, but the police hadn't found anything out yet. There was no evidence except that which was left over from the autopsy. The glasses had all been thrown away at the end of the party.

Finn had left during the middle of the party, claiming that he wasn't feeling well. He'd taken a few pills to get rid of the strange feeling from the drugs, but they'd reacted poorly to the ones already in his blood stream. When Noah had gotten back, having left at the very end of the party, he'd thought that Finn was sleeping. It was only when he'd tried to wake him up later that day that he'd realized Finn was dead and had called nine-one-one.

Kurt knew it would be easy to blame Noah. He knew that Noah probably blamed himself for not realizing that something was wrong. He couldn't blame him though – not when he could have stopped it. If he hadn't fallen into the comfort of not having visions when with Adam and if he didn't spend every evening with his boyfriend that he could possibly get away with, he would have seen it. He could have saved Finn's life. He was certain.

_ooo_

Kurt felt himself pulled out of his thoughts as he felt Adam gently stroking his cheek and asking him to come back to them. Kurt's cheeks, which were reddened from the crying, grew a darker red as he drew back from his father's embrace.

He whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't see. I –"

Burt pursed his lips as he tried to suppress the desire to cry. He clasped Kurt's shoulders tightly. "Now, you listen here, Kurt, it's not your fault any more than it's mine. We couldn't see that this would happen. No one could. Carol doesn't blame us. The only ones to blame are the idiots who drugged him. We can only hope they'll be caught. Even if you'd seen it – you couldn't have changed anything. You couldn't explain how you knew."

Kurt nodded, his gaze drifting to the ground, as his father gently guided them to their parked car. He felt Adam gently wrap his arms around him and was grateful as his perception of his father's grief weakened and his own was shared with Adam.

He blinked as he realized something. "Uhm, dad, by the way, this is Adam, my soulmate. Adam, this is my dad."

Adam winked. "I figured that much out myself." His voice grew solemn as he continued, "I really wish we could have met under better circumstances, Mr. Hummel."

"Call me Burt. I have something I need to talk to you about once we reach the house."

Kurt asked, "Is this about where you recognized his name from?"

Burt nodded. "Yeah. Uhm, just so you know, Eliza's going to be coming over with her kids and Jake. She's going to be talking to us all individually to try and help us cope. Don't hold back with her, okay, kid?"

Kurt smiled softly. "I can't wait to introduce her to Adam."

"I'm sure she can't wait to meet him – what with you talking about him constantly since you started seeing her."

Kurt's ears grew warm as he awkwardly looked away from Adam, even as Adam teased him, "You've been talking about me?"

"Um, yeah…"

"Well, that's good. It makes it a two-sided thing. I've jabbered on about you often enough as well."

Kurt's ears grew even warmer as he turned to look into Adam's clear blue eyes, only to be surprised by a kiss, which he was happy to respond to.

After a few moments, Burt awkwardly interrupted, "We still have to get to the car, you know. Parking isn't cheap here. And I really don't want to have to think about what you, Adam, might be doing to my son. There will be none of that under my roof though, just so you know."

Kurt rolled his eyes and withdrew from the kiss. "Yes, dad. He'll be sleeping in my bed though."

"I really don't think…"

"He keeps the nightmares away dad."

Burt blinked and paused before finally relenting, "Okay, fine. In that case – fine. Just – don't do anything more than sleeping."

"Dad, if it were up to you, I'd have ended up a thirty-year-old virgin."

"Ah! I don't want to hear about this. You're still my baby boy."

Kurt rolled his eyes again and retorted, "Whatever."

Adam quipped, "So, am I going to get the overprotective father speech soon about all the horrible things that will befall me if I hurt Kurt?"

Kurt inserted, "Which is completely unnecessary, because he's never going to leave me or cheat on me. We both know exactly what we have in each other and we're never going to be able to find it elsewhere."

Burt retorted, "It's completely necessary. Just because you're soulmates –" he paused, "Okay, to be honest, I don't think he'll hurt you. Not like Blaine did. But that's beside the point. There's just some things that have to be done."

Adam laughed. "And threatening your son's beaus is one of them?"

"You bet."

Kurt giggled lightly and nuzzled into the crook of his boyfriend's neck for a moment before drawing back, so they could get going.

_ooo_

Their happiness lasted only as long as the car-ride. The moment they pulled into the driveway of the Hummel household they fell silent. Kurt was the first to enter, leaving his father and Adam to take care of the luggage. There was someone else he wanted to see first.

Kurt took off his shoes and coat in the entryway and went to search for Carol. He found her in the kitchen, trying to peel potatoes. Kurt quickly noticed that her hands were trembling, though, and hurried over to hold them. He gently coaxed the potato and peeler from her stiff fingers. He asked, "What are you making?"

She sniffled. "I'm trying to make a potato casserole. But – I keep on seeing Finn's face the last time he ate it. He loved it."

"Finn loved food in general. He didn't care what it was as long as it was food."

"I know. I know! Everything I know how to cook – I've made it for him before. I have memories of him connected to everything. I don't – I don't know what to do. I remember what it was like to lose Christopher. The days I just went through existing – drifting. I want this to be over. I want him back. I want my baby back!"

Kurt sniffled. "I'm so sorry, Carol."

She shook her head. "It's not your fault. I just – I love him so much. He's my son. I don't know how to move on from this. Parents shouldn't live to see their children die."

Kurt shook his head. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop it from happening." He smiled bitterly. "What's the use of having psychics around if they can't stop things like this? If I hadn't been with Adam, I know I'd have seen it. I would have been able to do something. I know I could have."

"How could you know, Kurt? How would you know that that drink was spiked? You can't see everything. It's not your fault. I don't blame you. I never did. I should get back to cooking."

Kurt shook his head again and reached out to hug her. "No, I'll take over for you. Don't worry about it." He didn't let go though.

At that moment, Adam came into the kitchen. He suggested, "Why don't I do it for you, and you tell me what to do?"

Carol shook her head vehemently. "No! I can't have you do that! You're a guest!"

Adam smiled softly at her. "Let me help. Unfortunately, I never met Finn, so I'm the only person here who isn't grieving."

Kurt smiled softly at his boyfriend. "Carol, let me introduce by boyfriend, Adam. He's the guy I've been dreaming about since I was eight."

She sniffled and reached out her hand. "It's lovely to meet you, Adam."

"Likewise, Mrs. Hummel."

"Carol."

He smiled sweetly. "Carol then."

She giggled. "Oh my gosh, I love the way it sounds with your accent. And you're good looking too." She turned to Kurt. "He's a keeper."

Kurt added, "He's also a real gentleman, has impeccable manners and makes the best tea and hot chocolate you've ever tasted."

Adam blushed. "My mother makes much better tea than I ever could and has the best recipe for lemon scones."

"And humble too." Carol's smile grew a little strained. "I've never made scones before. I wonder if Finn –" she trailed off into a sob.

A few moments later, the doorbell rang. In the hall they could hear Eliza and Jake talking with Burt, while the kids came running into the building.

Kurt asked, "Have you told my dad that you want another child?"

Carol shook her head. "No, I couldn't. Not with his prostate cancer and now Finn's death. Before that we were so busy with you guys. And I don't want to replace Finn."

Kurt shook his head. "You wouldn't be. No one can ever replace Finn. We all know that. I think that it might help you cope though. You need someone to look after and the longer you wait the more dangerous it'll become for you and the child."

Carol nodded. "Okay. I'll talk to him."

Kurt smiled at her. "Personally, I'm hoping for a little sister to spoil rotten."

Adam joked, "That's just because she'll let you dress her up in the latest fashions, Ariel."

Kurt grinned. "Oh, honey, you see right through me."

"It's not that difficult," Adam teased.

Just then Eliza brandished her way into the kitchen, holding two hot dishes that were ready to go straight into the oven and a bag with several more that were in Tupperware. She unceremoniously checked the already heating oven before sticking them in.

Carol tried to complain, "Eliza; that really isn't necessary. I can cook."

Eliza just raised one of her eyebrows at the other woman. "I'm sure you can. As a matter of fact, I see the evidence of that in the sink. You didn't even manage to finish peeling one potato. Now, look you, I'm going to be making more hot dishes for you until you're feeling better. You need to concentrate on confronting the pain and getting over it. The last thing you should do is suppress it. If you do, you'll never get over this. So, that's what you're going to do."

Adam gave her a strange look and asked, "Do you have Welsh ancestry?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Yes, I do. Why?"

Adam nodded. "I figured. No one else says 'look you' other than the Welsh."

She gave him an appraising look. "You must be Adam. I'm Eliza."

"I've heard about you a lot."

She quipped, "Only good things, I hope."

He winked. "Only the best. I've heard that you're a force to be reckoned with on the best of days."

She preened. "Why thank you. If you ever need a therapist to talk to about your empathy, use Kurt's phone to call me. He has a scrambler on it for my phone number."

Suddenly Kurt's eyes grew wide. He stated, "I'm going to Finn's room. I have something I have to do there."

Adam looked at him quizzically before picking up on what Kurt was planning. He asked, "Is that really wise? I've never tried to do that before."

Kurt gave him a shaky smile. "I just want to see him. I want to say goodbye."

Adam nodded. "Okay. I'll make sure you're left alone."

Kurt offered him a sad half-smile. "Thanks."

_ooo_

Kurt went up to Finn's room. He noticed that it was clean – something it had never been while Finn was alive – and figured that Carol must have cleaned up while he was away at college. He sat down and concentrated on going back to his soul's heart.

Soon, he found himself surrounded by the connections he'd made and started searching for the one connecting him to Finn. It made his heart clench to see that it was silver now; reminding him that he was gone. Still, he touched it and found himself in that beautiful place again where he'd seen his mother.

Finn was there sitting on an image of grass, looking up at the sky. Unlike with his mother, Kurt could hear Finn's words as he spoke, "Hey Kurt. Join me."

Kurt paused a moment before lying on the grass next to him, noting that the grass felt real enough.

Finn continued, "I'm really sorry about dying, you know. I was tired and the girl who gave me the drink told me it would get me all powered up again. Instead, I just felt worse. I felt separate from my body and my head was spinning and hurting. I didn't want to die."

"I know you didn't."

"You know, it's really nice here. Everything is so peaceful. I'm looking forward to my next lifetime. Maybe I'll do better this time."

"You did plenty well this time, Finn. I mean, you weren't perfect. No one is. You tried, though. You wanted to be a good person. You cared. You care."

"Yes, I do. If I'd realized earlier about the issues that come with popularity though, I'd have been able to stop. I wanted to be part of the group, so I went to the party. If I were like you and didn't care about fitting in, I would still be alive."

"If I hadn't been with Adam and had dreamed about what happened with you, I could have saved you. I'm sorry."

Finn sighed. "Kurt, it wasn't your fault. Sometimes, you just can't save people. When it's our time to go, we will. I don't think you'd have been able to save me even if you saw it. Your mom told me about you watching her die. It probably would have been something similar. Frankly, I'm glad you didn't see."

Kurt sniffled and said shakily, "Finn..."

Finn sat up and pulled Kurt into a cold embrace that Kurt never wanted to leave. He said, "You know, a few days before I died, in our English literature lecture, we covered a poem by Lyman Hancock called 'When I'm Gone…' and it touched me. Normally, I wouldn't be able to remember things like poems, but I guess I died before I forgot it."

"Recite it to me, please."

"I was going to." Finn pulled back and held Kurt's hands in his own as he recited,

"When I come to the end of my journey
And I travel my last weary mile,
Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned
And remember only the smile.

"Forget unkind words I have spoken;
Remember some good I have done.
Forget that I ever had heartache
And remember I've had lots of fun.

"Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
And sometimes fell by the way.
Remember I have fought some hard battles
And won, ere the close of the day.

"Then forget to grieve for my going,
I would not have you sad for a day,
But in summer just gather some flowers
And remember the place where I lay,

"And come in the shade of the evening
When the sun paints the sky in the west
Stand for a few moments beside me
And remember only my best."

Finn looked Kurt in the eye. "Could you please give people that message for me? Tell my mom that I'm doing fine here and I miss everyone. Tell them I'm looking forward to my next life and that it's beautiful here. Please tell them that I love them too, but I'm moving on."

"Why can I still hear you talk?"

"Because, she's already been reincarnated. I haven't. I just died. We all get a chance to say goodbye. I'm just lucky enough to have someone there who can hear me. I'll be watching at the funeral and the memorial. Thank you for coming to visit me, but please don't come again. It isn't good for you to be here in the land of the dead. You're still alive and don't belong here."

Kurt gave him a shaky smile. "Thank you. Forgive me for every wrong I've ever committed to you, Finn."

Finn smiled at him. "Only if you forgive me for mine."

Kurt nodded once. "You're forgiven."

"You've been forgiven long ago, but I forgive you again. Please tell mom that I'd love to have another sibling. I just wish that I were around to spoil him or her."

Kurt nodded. "I will. I love you, brother."

"I love you too, little brother."

"I'm still older than you."

"And I'm still taller."

Kurt's eyes grew moist. "I'm going to miss you."

A silvery tear dripped down Finn's cheek. "I'll miss you too. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Finn. May we meet in a future life and have the chance to be brothers from start to finish – hopefully longer than this time."

"I hope so too," Finn replied. "Goodbye." He let go of Kurt's hands.

_ooo_

Kurt returned to his body. Opening his eyes, he found himself in Finn's room, surrounded by all the physical reminders of him – but none of them held his essence in them. They were only cold objects with memories attached to them.

Finn was gone, but unlike everyone else, Kurt had a chance to actually say goodbye. He felt the sorrow welling up in his breast and sniffled. His cheeks grew moist as tears cascaded down them and he let Finn go.

About half an hour later, Kurt ventured back downstairs to tell people what Finn had asked of him. He remembered the poem in startling clarity and knew he'd never forget it – would always associate it with Finn from that point onwards.

They cried a lot, talked a bit and tried to follow Finn's request to remember him fondly, but let him go.

_ooo_

That evening, after Eliza and her family had gone home, Burt took Adam and Kurt aside. He handed Kurt a letter and requested, "When we donated your mother's functioning organs, I requested to be notified about who received them. I had to dig around to find it, but this is the list we received."

Kurt opened it up. His eyes were immediately drawn to the familiar name right next to first kidney – Adam Crawford.

He turned a rueful smile at Adam. "So, I guess that's life. She died, giving you a chance to live, Adam. She gave you her empathy with her kidney. If she hadn't died, I'd never have met you and wouldn't have anything to fight to stay alive for. In the end, she found meaning in her death and gave you a new beginning. I guess that's all that death is: the end and a new beginning."

Adam nodded. "Just like the death card in the major arcana of the tarot."

Burt offered a tight smile to them. "I can't say that I'm glad she died, but I'm glad that her death had meaning, in the end."

Kurt nodded. "Finn's will have meaning too. We just have to find it."

Burt continued, "For all that it means, I'm glad to know you, Adam. I'm glad you were saved and in turn had a chance to save my son."

Adam smiled. "It was my pleasure."

Kurt clasped his hand with Adam's. "I think it's time for bed now, dad."

Burt nodded. "Yeah. Sleep well."

The two of them replied, "You too."

They headed up to Kurt's room, where they got changed, brushed their teeth in the bathroom and Kurt did his moisturizing routine. Finally they cuddled up on Kurt's old bed where they slept peacefully through the night.

The End