So this is leading up to the events in Goodbye Stranger, but from Cas's POV when he was with Naomi. There's a tumblr post somewhere that I think I might have based it off of but I don't remember if I had seen it when I wrote this originally.

I actually forgot I had this on my computer. I had wanted to add on to this, but after re-reading it, decided that I liked how I had left off when I last edited it.

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like a lot of Breaking Benjamin songs can be related to Supernatural somehow. I wonder if they watch the show...

There had been 1,142 copies of Dean that Naomi had conjured up for him to kill. He knows because he counted. And it had not gotten easier with practice. In fact, he's quite certain that each time is harder than the last. Despite her methods and attempts to brainwash him, there's something about Dean, real or not, that manages to break through to him every time. A plea, a laugh, a smile, no matter what it is, there's always something to cause him to hesitate. Half the time, he freezes, unable to do anything but stare at copy number whatever smiling at him with plain affection. When he does manage to injure Dean, he can never deliver the finishing blow. His first instinct is to heal and apologize profusely. Naomi usually interferes then, showing Castiel how it's supposed to be done. He's lost count of how many times he's tried to kill her for killing Dean.

Around copy one hundred of Dean, things have still not gotten any easier. But he's getting better at not showing his inner conflict and just letting his body run through the motions that she has programmed it to do. When he has his angel blade at Dean's throat, the fake hunter looks at him through shiny eyes. All it takes is his name for him to let the knife clatter to the ground. Naomi shows up a moment later, looking throughly disappointed. Clearly, she'd thought they were making progress. Despite his knowledge that the man cradled in his arms is not really Dean, he can't help but try and protect him when Naomi approaches with his blade, planning to finish the job herself. She strides over to where he's kneeling on the floor, holding the copy's broken, bleeding body and thrusts the blade back into Castiel's hands. He looks at her in disbelief. She can't intend for him to continue? He wonders not for the first time what would happen if he simply went after her instead, but she seems to have anticipated it, for she has her own blade clasped tightly in her hand.

"Do it or I will, Castiel," she instructs.

"Go ahead and try, bitch," fake Dean snarls, and Castiel can't help but internally smile at that. Even for a copy, he is so very like the real thing and he thinks that perhaps Naomi's idea to keep conjuring one up will backfire.

"I won't do this. I can't," Castiel insists.

"You can and you will. We need that angel tablet and if you cannot kill one simple human, then all is lost," she chasties, annoyed with him.

He expects her to tell him to finish it, but instead she does the job herself, leaning down and shoving him away so she can kill the copy herself. He's not real, it's not real, he keeps telling himself when the copy of Dean dies with a horrible cry. He wants to cover his ears and shut his eyes and just hide from everything. He doesn't want to do this. He doesn't know how much longer he can do this without going insane.

When he opens his eyes again, Naomi is gone. He's usually expected back in her office after their 'sessions' but he only sits there, tears built up behind his eyes but never falling.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry," he whispers. He's not talking to the dead copy of him lying on the ground though, he's talking to the real Dean, who's probably stuck on some random hunt with Sam at the moment worrying himself silly about Castiel. He doesn't want to think about the fact that when this is all over and Naomi deems him ready, he'll have to kill Dean for real. He personally hopes that she'll kill him before he has a chance to get that far.

It gets harder to kill Dean's copies when he can hear the real one calling out to him in prayer. He wants nothing more than to flee this God-forsaken place and go to his hunter where he can assist with anything that he asks for. But Naomi has a strict watch over the place and even if he left, she could pull him back just as easily. So he tries to block it out, but it's nearly impossible since the prayer is directed towards him specifically.

Dean's prayers are distracting. He tunes into them almost instinctually, ready to fly away at a moment's notice. But Naomi knows what he's thinking and uses some sort of spell so that he can't hear him anymore. It should be a relief, because now he can focus on the gruesome task at hand, but the silence in his head where he had previously heard Dean's voice is deafening. He can't concentrate on anything and the copy in front of him is asking him what's wrong.

Suddenly, he's back in Naomi's office, standing there looking distressed and out of place in the white room. The red headed angel looks at him with an air of annoyance and concern.

"What's wrong, Castiel? I blocked his prayers, you shouldn't be able to hear him. Why do you hesitate still?" she asks.

He doesn't want to say that the silence is the problem. Instead, he says, "You can't make me do this,"

Rather than lashing out, she sighs tiredly. "Why are you making this so difficult? It's just one human. You've killed countless before. What makes this one so different?"

"That's not me. What I did before is not who I am," he says. He doesn't want to admit it's because he has feelings for Dean. That will give Naomi endless ammunition to use against him.

"You're wrong. You were a soldier. Sacrificing one for the good of the many is a choice you have to make. You know that,"

"Not Dean. He and Sam have saved people countless times. To kill either of them now would not benefit anyone,"

"He's in our way. If we ever hope to regain the angel tablet and stop Crowley, then this must be done,"

"There has to be another way,"

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, Castiel, but this is the way it has to be. You may as well get used to it,"

With a snap of her fingers, he's back in the other room again. As always, Dean is there waiting for him, with a smile on his face that makes his heart beat erratically.

"Hey, Cas," he says cheerfully.

Kill him, Naomi's voice echoes in his head. He shuts his eyes, trying to block her out. But it's no use, because whatever she did to him while digging around in his mind makes his body move almost automatically. He knows that it's no use to try and stop it, so he blocks everything out. He retreats to the farthest recesses of his vessel's mind and lets himself be controlled, because the only way he can escape from here is doing what Naomi wants.

He's just around the five hundred mark and he can almost go completely through with it without any blips. All he does is let his mind go blank, not seeing the sight of Dean's copy bleeding from his wounds, not hearing the cries for him to stop, or smelling the copper tang of blood in the air. It's almost over when warmth brushes across his hand. It's enough to startle him out of his hiding place and stare down at fake Dean, who's entwined their fingers.

"Cas, please, it's me. This isn't you," he says, tightening his hold.

He can't do this, not again. He kneels to the floor, frowning when Dean flinches away from him. He sets his blade down and takes one of the copy's hand in both of his.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to do this," he tells him.

"Then why are you?"

"Naomi, she's controlling me somehow. I can't stop her,"

The fake Dean gives a pained laugh. "You're a crappy liar Cas. You're stopping her now, aren't you? I'm still alive,"

"You shouldn't be,"

"Well, thanks Cas, way to make a guy feel loved," Dean replies sarcastically.

"But I do,"

"Do what?"

"I-," he stops himself, realizing that he's about to make this declaration of love where Naomi is watching and to a clone of the real Dean, no less. He lets go of fake Dean's hands and hopes desperately that she hadn't been listening in. Chances are, of course, that she had been and knew exactly what he'd been about to say. He curses himself for being so careless.

Despite his almost 'I love you', he can feel his control slipping away. His angel blade is back in his hand again somehow and it's back to the same song and dance. The meeting after, he is met with a calculating look from Naomi while she no doubt plans to make the rest of his 'training' as painful as possible for him.

His conditioning gets progressively harder as time passes and he wonders why Naomi is so intent on repeating the same process a thousand times over. Near the end of it, he finds it easier not to try and fight it. He lets her guide his motions like a puppet and when she smiles and says that he's almost ready for the real thing, he doesn't let the panic show on his face.

When the last and final clone dies by his hand, Naomi nods in approval and sends him on his way, finally deeming him ready. At this point, half his thoughts aren't even his own. He merely echoes her actions and words as she relays them to him inside his head. Sam and Dean suspect that something is wrong with him, but he knows better than to let on what it is. At least until Meg leads them to the crypt and the time approaches for him to put all his training to use.

When he and Dean find the angel tablet, Naomi gives her final instruction. Yet despite everything, he can't bring himself to do this. His whole being screams in protest at harming his hunter, the one person whose protection he'd been charged with so long ago. And the worst part is that he can't stop her. He hasn't tried to break the connection with Naomi in weeks and by now it's too strong to sever on his own. He's going to kill Dean and he can't stop it.

With his blade poised to strike, he feels the warmth of Dean's hand on his own, latching on to him and trying to get through to him.

"I know you can hear me," Dean says, other hand raised in something like a calming gesture.

"We're family. We need you. I need you,"

I love you. Despite the spell Naomi used to block out Dean's prayers to him, somehow this last one breaks through loud and clear and he drops his blade, his connection with Naomi being shattered like glass and in its place settles the bond that he and Dean have shared since he'd rescued him from Hell.

He picks up the angel tablet and its power cleanses away all of Naomi's influence, leaving him in his right mind again as he reaches down to heal Dean. He hates himself for the way Dean flinches away from his touch and calls his name again, like he's not sure if Cas' intention is to hurt or heal him.

There are so many things that he wants to say to Dean and the words are stuck in his throat: explanations, apologies, and a plea for forgiveness. When Dean asks him what broke the connection, there's only one word he can manage to get out.

"You,"