I don't own NGE and all that jazz.

Prologue

"I like you"

Her words rang in my ears like foghorns.

"Can...you repeat that?"

"I...um...like you, Ikari-kun" she repeated, her voice shaking with either excitement or nervousness, I couldn't really wasn't the first time that a girl has asked me out. The first time, I thought I was being pranked or being tested in some way, shape, or form. I would have suspected my father if he weren't buried 6 feet in the ground. He wasn't buried 6 feet under the surface, but he's dead. So there is that.

"Ikari-kun?" she asked after a minute.

"I'm flattered, but I don't have the same feelings for you," I responded, "Sorry". I looked at the young woman, her face contorting itself, tears beginning to flow. My hand reached out, hoping to comfort the crying woman in front of me, before I forcefully withdrew it. I stood there for a couple minutes, watching the young woman in front of me cry, my own heart dropping. I didn't want this.

I'm going to take this time that she's crying to tell you what happened in the last couple years. I was god. Or I became God. Semantics really. The most important thing was that I wanted to bring back humanity, and I wanted the world to go back to the way it was before it went to complete shit. So before 2nd Impact. I didn't reverse time, but after I think it was like 6 or 7 days, the world was rebuilt. It was like the bible, except I didn't do anything. I just wanted the world back, without the angels, without the Evas, without Nerv. Just wanted peace in the goddamn world. People came out of the primordial orange juice, and buildings were restored, nature came back, the world became normal again.

"It's okay, Ikari-kun" the girl sniffed, "Is it because you like someone?"

"Not...exactly" I muttered, scratching the back of my head. There was one girl, well, she was 21, so a woman. Asuka. I had a vague recollection of waking up next to an injured Asuka and choking her mangled body. It wasn't exactly my favorite memory. But as we lived through the rebirth of the world, and as we evolved along with it, we became the two constants in each other's lives. It wasn't a romantic feeling, actually, I'm not sure if it was or not. We never had any significant others nor did we have feelings for anyone else. But, we kept each other sane.

"Well, then...I have to go to my circle…" the young woman in front of me whispered before rapidly turning heels and running away. I didn't make an attempt to reach out after her nor did I want to. After a moment of lonely silence, I walked away as well. Asuka was probably waiting for me and I didn't want her screaming at me again. If my father taught me one goddamn thing, it was that I didn't have to take bullshit from anyone. Okay, maybe except Asuka. Despite the stuff that my father put me through, he helped me through the last 7 or 8 years. I don't know how to describe it, but I saw myself becoming like him. Obsessed with what could have been, with what should have been, instead of living for what I have now. After 7 years, I still couldn't explain it.

"Hey, Asuka" I called from behind the redhead as I approached her in the college square. I watched her turn around to face me, her beauty still stunning me everytime. The first time I had met her was on a battleship, her sundress fluttering in the wind. Her love for sundresses didn't change. Her beauty did matured, becoming more shapely and dare I say, sexy.

"Hey, Shinji" She called back, her voice barely distinguishable from the stampeding of college students. In the years that followed, Asuka had adopted a...nicer personality. A lot less, as what otakus would say, tsundere. Thankfully, she dropped the idiot part from my name. An involuntary smile etched its way onto my face as she drew closer to me.

"What took you so long!" Asuka questioned, her voice an aggravated whisper. It was probably best to avoid telling her about the girl who asked me out. Over the years, as I started to mature and come into my features, I've gotten a lot of letters of the romantic sorts. Then I learned that Asuka was the jealous type. And not the vengeful, Dark Knight, jealous type that I thought she would be, but she was the silent, cry-to-myself jealous type. When I saw her the first time she cried like that, I'll admit it, it crushed my heart.

"Uhhh, something came up" I responded meekly. I looked down at the redhead to meet her disapproving eyes. I sucked in a breath through my teeth. She knew something was up. Just wait for the backlash. Just wait for it. Take it and use that pain to better yourself.

"Are you gonna tell me what?" Asuka asked poutingly. Her head turned sharply to face me as a light chuckle escaped my throat.

"Do you really wanna know?" I teased, as we walked off campus. She nodded fervently, her ponytail shaking with her head.

"How about I tell you later?" I responded to her disapproval.

"How about now!? You perv" her tone sharp and cutting. Luckily for me, after 8 or so years of her verbal abuse, it was like a dull knife cutting into the hide of an armadillo.

"A girl from my creative writing class asked me out" I muttered quickly under my breath. I heard a sigh from the girl next to me followed by a quickening of her pace. I've done it now, haven't I? After 8 goddamn years, I still couldn't keep a secret from her. Reminds me of a conversation we had over dinner. She asked me, completely nonchalantly, if I've ever masturbated to her. And me, being an aloof idiot, responded with yes.

"Hey, Asuka! What are you doing?" I yelled after her, my voice catching the wind to her ears. Was she really jealous? Or was she playing around with me again?

"Nothing! Cardio!" She stammered out, her breathing slightly ragged. She should have kept exercising.

"Really now because last time I checked, walking fast for a fucking block isn't cardio" I retorted as she slowed down back to my side. Her face was flushed, her eyes were slightly wet, her body slumped. I reluctantly patted the girl on the shoulder, hoping to comfort her.

"Don't touch me, you idiot" she berated, her voice soaked with venom. I hadn't heard her call me an idiot in a long, long time. Usually, she would refer to me with bigger words, but it was kind of cute in a way how she would defer to her old insults.

"Sorry, sorry!" I apologized sarcastically.

"What did she say?" I heard. It was soft, uncharacteristically so.

"She just told me she liked me" I explained. A barely audible squeak emerged from Asuka's throat. She was upset. God, I hate the Tsundere types. Well, not hate.

"I'll buy yo-" I offered before being cut her by Asuka.

"What did you say?"

"I said no thank you and peaced out" I responded, "Happy?"

"I'll be happy when you buy me my damn burger!" she retorted as we entered a small diner close to the campus. It was Asuka's favorite diner because it had an eclectic mix of foreign foods. She told me it reminded her of her hometown in Germany. It wasn't terribly expensive, and it was great for its price. It served a lot of nice warm food too. It was already January, and it was freezing. I don't know if it was the unnatural always summer of the post 2nd-impact world, but I found myself enjoying summer more than winter.

"Do you want a burger?" I asked as we sat down at a small table for two. I perused the menu placed in front of us. I always tried to get a different item than what I got last time, give myself a taste of variety. Asuka, on the other hand, never deviated from her staple 3 items: German Sausage burger, German Set A, and the Tonkatsu set. I glanced up at Asuka, who hadn't even moved her menu, rather staring at me.

"Don't you wish you could read" Asuka muttered under her breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

"Do you want me to pay?" I retorted. She nodded sarcastically, before signalling the waiter over.

"Hello, Asuka and Shinji!" the young waiter greeted before pulling out a small notepad from his pocket. The establishment had come to know us by our names, seeing as Asuka loved eating here. We came here maybe three or four times a week, depending on when our circle met and when we had class. Our apartment building wasn't even too far from here.

"Yeah, how's it going" Asuka asked in German.

"It's going fine, thank you" the waiter responded, also in German. Normally, the waiter would have asked us, but Asuka knew the staff here on a personal level, often times taking cooking lessons from the head chef when he was free. Unfortunately, Asuka didn't have as much skill at cooking unlike her skill with the Eva. Even worse, I had to be the guinea pig. Eating her half-cooking schnitzel was terrifying.

"I'll have the German Burger!" Asuka chimed, handing the young man her untouched menu. The young man jotted the order down before turning to me.

"I'll have the German burger as well" I ordered, in German. It wasn't particularly good German, but I figured that I might as well take German, seeing as Asuka enjoyed insulting me in her native tongue. I handed the young waiter my menu before he walked away. I looked at my counterpart across the table, her head nodding in approval.

"Your german's getting better" she complimented before taking a sip of her cup of water.

"Yeah, well, I've been working at it" I responded before sipping at my own cup of water.

"Why'd you take German again?"

"I don't know, just felt like it"

"Was it for me?" was the next loaded question. Her eyes trained on mine, searching me.

"Probably" was my response much to her chagrin. Despite our maturation, I had never shed the ambiguous answers. It was too ingrained in me, so Asuka believes.

"Why didn't you like Fuyuka-chan?" Asuka asked after a couple minutes of silence.

"Who's Fuyuka?" I asked.

"The girl who asked you out?" she responded, her eyebrows knitted closely together.

"That's her name? I didn't even know" I responded. It seems insensitive, but I really only wanted to remember the most important women to me. My mom, Yui, my friend, Asuka, my guardian, Misato, and of course, Asuka.

"You're so insensitive!" Asuka exclaimed, her voice rising a tad too much. I chuckled softly at the girl's outburst as her face became the same color as her hair.

"Idiot" she muttered softly.

"I don't know her that well. I didn't even know her first name was Fuyu-"

"Her last name is Fuyuka" Asuka interjected much to my chagrin. I winced softly as she made the correction. Maybe I was a tad insensitive.

"Semantics. We have one cla-" I said, hoping to save myself.

"You have three" Asuka interjected once again to my chagrin.

"I only met her this yea-" I continued.

"You met last year" Asuka interjected.

"Fine, I don't like her." I stated abruptly discarding my previous statements and sentimentality.

"But why?" Asuka repeated.

"I don't know, I just don't. I lik-" I responded, before I caught myself. Much to my displeasure, Asuka had this latent ability to draw out an answer from me. But not today. Today was the day that the 3rd Child won against the 2nd child.

"Who do you like?" Asuka asked, a venomous smile on her face.

"I...uh...like...uhhhhh...having free time. Yea, having free time!" I stammered, unconvinced that Asuka actually bought my excuse. Luckily, before Asuka could continue her interrogation, the waiter brought two plates of food. The german sausage burger was their speciality and right fully so. It was pretty fucking delicious, if I say so myself. Rarely have I ever encountered such a delicious beast. Just a lot of spices and a lot of curing.

"Let's eat!" I said before picking up my delicious burger and taking a nice juicy bite. The restaurant here used a bratwurst mix for the burger. It was fatty, juicy, and had the perfect amount of spice. Not necessary spicy, but it had a lot of fennel and the like. It was an aromatic bomb as much as it was a flavor bomb. One of my favorite things to do was mix ketchup with the juices that escaped the burger as I bit it. It created a wonderful fatty, sweet, and sour condiment for the fries that came with the burger. I loved how the burger came with the tangy tomato to balance the richness of the burger, and the lettuce that provided the crunch and slight bitterness to round it out.

"So good" Asuka moaned as she ravished her burger enthusiastically. Her fervor for food seemed unparalleled. She devoured it like it was a small bag of potato chips, speaking of which, we were out of chips. It was almost comical how much snack she eats, even more comical was her body's reluctance to gain weight. Was it a german thing or something?

"So, is there anyone you like?" I asked as the eating slowed down. I had an inkling as to who she liked. It was probably Kaji; she was never the type to let go. She still had the receptor things at home, while I chucked mine into the orange goop first chance I got. It was my past. I'm gonna let it stay that way.

"Uhhh, let's get the check" Asuka said, waving over the waiter. She was obviously dodging my question, but I knew better than to press buttons. Asuka was a nuclear explosion waiting to happen. I reached for the check that the waiter brought over and read how much I owed. It wasn't too much considering that NERV still paid us for our services as pilots. Once the world came back from hell, everything went almost back to normal. The banks worked, most importantly. We had accumulated a lot of money during our tenure at NERV. Apparently, children pilots garnered a nice salary and the year that we had was roughly a million or so. Father probably didn't care about the cash, probably because he assumed that we'd all become slob and cash wouldn't be an issue. One of the few things that I'm grateful for my father for. I had to make sure that I didn't run out anytime soon, but seeing as I had a part-time job at a clinic, I wasn't going to. I didn't have the means to live lavishly, but it wasn't terrible.

"Here you go" I said, placing my credit card in the tab and handed it to the waiter. In return, he gave me a courteous smile and a nod.

"Thanks" Asuka mumbled into her glass of water.

"No problem, Asuka" I smiled. After the waiter returned with the receipt, I slipped on my pea coat and my muffler. It was a pretty cold day today, fortunately I didn't have class after this. I just wanted to cud-huddle under the kotatsu and watch some television. Maybe after I go to the gym, I can grab some ingredients for nabe.

"Hey, you want nabe tonight?" I asked as we exited the diner.

"Sure, I guess we're eating it at your place" Asuka responded after a moment of thought.

"We always eat at my place." I retorted. Despite Asuka living next door to me, she always ate at my place and did" her homework at my place. Hell, when she's sick or stuff, she sleeps at my place. But despite the frustrations, it was kind of endearing. It just wasn't cool when she never paid for anything.

"I have class soon, I'll catch you later" Asuka said as she turned to the campus. I waved goodbye before heading on my merry way to the gym. I started working out around 1st year of college when one of my upperclassmen took me to his gym. Although he graduated and no longer lives in the area, I still go there three or four times a week. Not to be pompous, but after steadily going to the gym for 2 years, I felt a lot stronger and fitter. A lot of my old clothes ceased to fit me, which was perfect for Asuka, seeing as she could shop and dress me.

"Hnnnngh" I grunted as I pushed through the last rep of the last set of benches. I looked around and saw some incredibly buff guys. Some guy was squatting over 225 pounds...as a warmup. Which was pretty insane, I could do like 175 max, but then again, I never really went to the gym to pack on muscle. Asuka thought I looked like a freak when I put on too much muscle, and forced me to lean down. She even went as far as to purchase a month's subscription just to make sure I stopped bulking. I ran on the treadmill for an hour a day.

Going to the gym was something that I dreaded at first, but after a while, I grew to enjoy it. It was a good stress reliever and let's be honest here, it makes you look great. Asuka's always telling me when girls check me out, even guys. But I've never noticed anyone stealing glances at me. Well, I've caught Asuka a couple times, but that's it.

I checked my phone as I waited for the fly machine. It was already 3pm! Time flies when you're at the gym. Asuka had texted me about 10 minutes ago. I'm done. Wanna meet up at the gym? I replied with a thumbs up, too lazy to send a full text. The guy on the machine motioned that he was done with his set. I sat down on the machine, in front of the mirror. My tanktop was utterly drenched with sweat. Good job, me. Good job.

I reached for the handles and began my 1st set consisting of 10 reps at 130 lbs. Flys tended to be the second-to-last exercise I did on chest day. I usually ended on weighted dips and then did 30 minutes of cardio. I pushed and pushed as I completed the 5 required sets, my chest muscles aching and bellowing in pain. Gritting my teeth, I forced myself to complete it. My body was completely depleted at this point, but that never stopped me. Well, it's stopped me before. You know, before 3rd impact and stuff, but this pain was nothing compared to that pain. Gathering the last ounces of my strength, I dragged my feet over to the pullup/dip contraption. I took a swig of my almost depleted gatorade before begrudgingly harnessing a plate of 25 to my waist.

As I garnered the last reserves of strength in my weary body to lift myself into the dip position, images of Asuka flashed in my head. At first, it was war memories. Memories of a darker time. It lifted me and gave me the strength to do the dips. But the harsh memories of a mangled unit-02, a comatose Asuka, everything faded into more recent, happy memories. Our first new years party as a college students, the drunken kiss, her birthday smile, everything. It pushed me through the last set.

With the final drips of strength, I waddled over to the treadmills to prepare for the post-workout cardio. I had an underclassman ask me how I live through the brutal workouts that I put myself through. Quite frankly, I had no clue. I thought about it as I jogged on the treadmill. It was probably because I wanted to improve myself on every level. Instrumentality taught me that. That living life like the way I had was unproductive. I wanted to feel, to change, to be better. I was given a goddamn second chance by Rei or Lilith or whoever, and if I wasn't going to use it, Rei and Kaworu's death was going to be meaningless.

Speaking of Rei and Kaworu, I missed them. I missed them a lot. It's been 8 years and I still find myself up at night thinking about them. Rei and Kaworu never re-materialized. Maybe they didn't want to, or maybe they never could. I don't think I'll ever know. I don't even know if I want to know. They unlocked something in me, something that I feared I had lost. I still remembered...when the cold hands on Unit 1...my hands curled around him. Coiled. Squishing...extinguishing...life.

I got off the treadmill 5 minutes early. My thoughts were in a disarray, scattered through time, engrossed in its own downtrodden ways. I felt the 14 year old scaredy cat in me. You can't shed the past, can you? No matter how I tried to change, I felt that same fear. The same fear of when I had to pilot my goddamn eva. I quickly stripped off the soaked tanktop and stuffed it in the plastic bag. The heat in my body did not dissipate, I hated the feeling of sweat rolling off my body. It felt disgusting. I made rapid work of wiping the sweat off my body and putting on my sweater and jeans before throwing my dirty clothes into the plastic bag and putting it in my duffel. Asuka hated waiting, especially for me. If it Hikari, it would be no problem, but 5 minutes for her war buddy, it was hell on earth.

"You're late, you dick" Asuka berated as I exited the gym. Her face was red from the cold, and she was shaking a bit. I felt a slight pinch in my heart as I watched the young woman suffer.

"I'm sorry! Let's go to the market" I apologized before heading to the local supermarket.

"How was the gym?" Asuka asked.

"Hard as hell." I complained, rotating my shoulder in an effort to relieve some of the pain. Although I was grateful for the heat generated from my workout, the bitter cold bit through my scarf and assaulted my throat.

"You cold?" I asked, my voice trailing in the wind. I turned to the shivering redhead, her hair fluttering effortlessly in the wind. The slight redness to her cheeks made her...more endearing to me.

"What do you think, idiot?" was her typical response, usually followed by a chuckle from me. Our interactions relaxed me. It was something I've grown to look forward to. Our usual banter at the table, our usual cup of tea as we relaxed into the night, her leaving to go to her apartment next door, my usual going over to her place the next morning and making breakfast. It was something I had come to enjoy and seek. It was our thing.

"So what do you want in your nabe?" I asked as we strolled through the aisle of the supermarket. She grabbed some beef and threw it in the cart, along with some tofu and udon. The way she moved methodically and systematically reminded me of her piloting of the Eva. A lot more mechanically gifted than I, but she was given the short end of the stick. She had her Eva-02, while I had Unit 1. Quite honestly, I missed it sometimes. I missed having a purpose.

"Misato and Kaji are coming" Asuka said as we perused the chip aisle. Chips were strictly off my diet, but Asuka freaking love them. She devoured them relentlessly most of the time, it was her ideal snack.

"Stop buying so many bags of chips" I complained, "it's bad for you" To my disapproval, Asuka grabbed two more bags of chips and placed it on top of the nabe ingredients. In retaliation, I took out a bag and placed it back on the shelf. Reluctantly, Asuka accepted this and sighed defeated.

"Did you hear me? Misato and Kaji are coming!" Asuka repeated. I nodded in response. Misato and Kaji came out of the goop together, much to Asuka's chagrin. Like most people post-Instrumentality, they strived to improve their lives. They got married, they had a kid, they had a picturesque life. Kaji returned to his espionage ways except for the press this time. Misato decided to go with Ritsuko and work at a research lab. Thankfully, not on anything Evangelion related.

"Is little Kenji coming?"

"No, he has a sleepover over the weekend at his friend's house." Asuka responded while she read the back of a snack package, before dumping it in the cart.

"Should we pick up some beer?" I asked. Misato had significantly reduced how much she drank, but we still drank together on occasion. She'd never get to point where she'd flat go fall unconscious. She was still our guardian, while not on paper, she was like our guardian.
"Yeah, she'd probably like that" Asuka muttered as we walked by the beverage aisle to pick up two six packs. Yebisu, her favorite brand. I still don't know how it didn't get destroyed in the aftermath, but then again, our bank accounts didn't get destroyed either. But then again, I didn't know how any of it worked, I really left it to chance. I just wanted the world back to normal.

For some reason, my apartment was significantly more furnished than Asuka's. Asuka really only had a bed, a small table, a bathroom, and a kitchen. It was designed only for sleep. She did most of her stuff at my apartment anyways. She furnished my apartment more than hers. She told me to buy this L-shaped sofa, two armchairs, and a nice sized kotatsu. I had a plasma screen and everything. My bedroom was also quite nicely furnished as well, mostly by myself. I'd never let her in my room anyways. It wasn't because I had pornography or anything, I just didn't want her snooping around.

"I'm going to take a nap" Asuka yawned before snuggling herself underneath the warmed-up kotatsu. She was really like a child at times. She needed to nap at least once a day, it was weird. She'd just plop herself on the sofa or under the kotatsu and fall right asleep. I don't really remember the last time I took a nap under the kotatsu, I was usually busy doing housework. I quickly unpacked my sweaty gym clothes and tossed it in with the laundry, before heading into the shower. I shivered as the first sprinkles of cold water erupted from the showerhead before it turned warm and soothing. My upperclassman told me that a warm shower or bath always helped after a workout. It soothed the muscles, warming them and healing them. I don't really know if that scientifically checked out, but it helped.

Flashbacks. Even after 8 years, I still had those flashbacks. That same sickening feeling I get whenever I involuntarily think back. To those darker times. That searing pain in my body every time I got shot, stabbed, electrocuted. The psychological pain that didn't leave a mark on my body. Something that stabbed my consciousness and my psyche. I turned off the shower and stepped out. The cool wind shocked me back to reality, slowing down my fanatic heart. I sucked in a breath, quelling the ball of fire in my stomach. I hated it. I hated feeling this way. No matter how much I tried, it was always there.

It was because of her. She reminded me of the fragile girl that I had grown up with. No matter how many times I denied it, it was because of her that I still felt this way. She was the remnant of the past that stuck with me. I had coldheartedly denied anyone from that past access to my inner sanctuary. Where I could begin anew, shed that anxiety. But she was there. But I knew it wasn't one-sided, I knew she still had nightmares, she still cried and cried. No matter how she tried to hide the scars on her wrist, I knew...I knew.

My heart pumped fanatically as I remembered the scars, the pain, the fear. Despite the years of studying, exercising, counseling, I still could not escape it. And to some extent, I never will. She was asleep. No nightmares right now, no screaming. Just a soft snoring. My thoughts were interrupted by the gracious sound of a ringing phone. It was Misato.

"Hey, Shinji. I'm coming over in 2 hours! Do you need me to bring anything?"

"Nah, not really. Bring whatever you feel like. Desert, maybe?"

"Okay, sure. I'll see you soon" *click*

I turned back to the sleeping figure under the kotatsu. Her face was almost blissful. Her rest was only fruitful when I was around. She'd never admit it, but I knew deep down that my presence kept her sane. Her presence kept me sane. Well, mostly sane. Not entirely. Almost there, I hope. I slid myself next to the sleeping girl and took out my macbook. A faint smell of peach emanated from her hair. Asuka's hair had mellowed out from a fiery red to a reddish-peach color. Quite frankly, I like her hair this way a lot more. Her hair was soft and loose as it slipped out of my hand.

An hour passed by as I diligently reviewed the slides from college. That girl that asked me out earlier was in my creative writing class. It was a fun class, something that helped me vent my stress. Although I'm majoring in chemistry, I found the creative writing class intellectually stimulating. It was a different type of stimulation though. It was less about remember steps or facts or equations, but rather it was something that allowed me to explore my mind. Admittedly, Asuka had some reservations about a child soldier writing in a creative writing class. Granted, some of my prior traumas did spill onto the page, but it was all in the pursuit of a good story. And they were good.

Asuka made her way into so many of my assignments. My professor once speculated that the character that portrayed Asuka represented a lot more to me than I let on. As much as I hated to admit it, she was in so many facets of my goddamn life. 8 years ago, I hated her guts. She hated me. She made me kiss her for some stupid reason. She boasted, berated, and ultimately, she was her own undoing. But...but, she meant too much for me to hate her. Sometimes, looking at her was painful. Her intelligence, her looks, it echoed to me. Beckoned me. Told me no.

I looked at the time, it was about 6:30. I had to get working on dinner. As I got up, I felt a slight resistance on my leg. Asuka was grabbing me, muttering something in her sleep. I couldn't make it out, but I shook myself off her. I grabbed the pot from under the sink and proceeded to prep the ingredients. I always thought nabe was like chinese hotpot or vice versa. We just dumped everything into a big clay pot with a stock and cooked it. I decided to use miso this time. Perfect for the cold winter weather.

*Ding Ding*

"Coming" I yelled, before unlocking the door. I was greeted with two familiar faces. Misato and Kaji. I was instantly teleported to when I was 14 again. I missed them, I really did. A smile on each face was refreshing and warming.

"Hey, Shinji" Misato exclaimed as she pulled me in for a cold hug. Her cold jacket broke through the thin layer of the tanktop I was wearing, freezing me.

"Misato, you're gonna freeze Shinji!" Kaji said, pulling his wife off me.

"Shinji's a big boy now! The cold won't get to him" Misato yelled in retaliation before stepping into my apartment and discarding her shoes for a pair of slippers. She and Kaji had their slippers for my place. Purple and navy blue for Misato and Kaji, respectively.

"How's the tsundere princess" Misato joked as she walked into the living room. Asuka stirred slightly before lazily waking up. Her body wiggled its way out of the kotatsu before turning to us.

"Good morning, Asuka" Kaji greeted. If we were 14, I would have expected Asuka to leap all over Kaji and shower him with hugs. But now at the age of 21, I'm glad to say that Asuka has graduated from her immature ways. She waved hello before excusing herself to the bathroom.

"She's such a kid" Misato noted, pouring herself a glass of water before taking a seat next to her husband on the couch. I chuckled at Misato, her own childish antics reminding me of Asuka's. The irregular sleep schedule, their mutual love of beer, and both their antagonistic nature.

"I hope Kenji doesn't become like her" Kaji laughed as he turned on my television. Misato leaned forward to peruse the story that I was writing for class. The assignment was to write a story about the first time you realized that you were an adult or becoming one. It was a coming-to-age of assignment at its core.

"You can't write about piloting the damn Eva, Shinji" Misato noted as she read through my paper.

"It was just an idea, it's not due for another week" I muttered, my attention focused on placing the food in the claypot filled with a miso stock. I didn't really know what to write about. What experience in my life really dictated when I forwent adolescence and became an adult? A difficult question, to say the least. Especially since my past was riddled with adult moments. Not erotic adult moments, actual adult moments. When I had to kill, mangle, destroy, forsake, it was everywhere.

"You should write about the time you and Asuka had a drunk makeout session" Kaji joked, making no attempts at subtlety. A blush quickly flushed my face. It wasn't really that big of deal. It was my birthday, we got drunk, we made out. It ended there.

"Yeah, I can't write about that." I responded.

"Write about what?" I heard Asuka ask as she exited the bathroom.

"No-Nothing" I stammered out, "Food's ready" I brought the pot of Nabe to the table, much to their excitement. Asuka went to the fridge to get some beer.

"None for me" Misato yelled at the girl in front of the fridge.

"Why?" I inquired as I took my place under the kotatsu. I got my answer when Misato blushed and looked meekly away. My heart cheered and soared, my stomach erupted. A smile couldn't contain itself on my face. My eyes lit up like the stars.

"We're pregnant" Kaji said, his face in a blissful smile.

"I wanted to tell them, you bum" Misato pouted before breaking out into a smile. I couldn't help but feel happy as hell for them.

"Feel free to not come over until it's done" Asuka chimed in, much to my chagrin. Yes, when Misato was pregnant with Kenji (roughly 5 years ago), she went a tad off the hormonal end. She was emotionally distressed and crazy, something only Kaji could deal with. She wanted a goddamn pickle at 3 in the morning. How does that even work? She woke us up because she wanted a goddamn pickle. And the sad part was...we got it for her.

"It wasn't that bad, Asuka!" Misato yelled back. Kaji and I groaned in response, she'd didn't really know how bad it really was. It was a terrible experience.

"Come on, can't God handle a pregnant woman?" Misato teased, clearly directed at me. She knew I hated being compared to the omnipotent figure of god. I wasn't god. I was a mere fucking human who was toyed with and manipulated into a role that I didn't want.

"Don't call me...god" I muttered, my voice shaking. My fist slammed into the ground, shaking the earth. I hated being called god. It wasn't funny. I'm not god. I never wanted to be god.

"Calm down, Idiot. It was a joke" Asuka said, sitting down next to me. I calmed down.

"Let's eat!" Kaji announced, removing the lid on the pot releasing all the delicious smells. My mouth watered as I lapped up a piece of beef into my mouth. Yes, there was a slight burn, but it was delicious. I hadn't felt this happy in a long while.

It was 1 am when I heard a knock on the door. There was a little bit of booze left in my system. The ground was cold to the touch, and I tiptoed across my room and to the door. It was eerily silent except for the snow that battered the window. My eyes were barely open as I peered through the peephole. I saw someone. Blue hair. I unlocked the door. Red eyes. Wry Smile. Son of a bitch. I must be hallucinating.

"Hey, Shinji" the apparition greeted. I shut the door. I was way too tired for this, it was 1 am. If it was him, I'd deal with his ass in the morning. It was far too cold for me to bother with this as well. I heard it knock again and again and again. Son of a gun. I had work tomorrow. I did not have time to deal with this. But...if it was him, I'd like to see him again. I turned around and grasped the cold doorknob. I was scared. So scared I didn't want to turn it. I wanted to run. I opened the door, to be greeted with the same face. The same wry smile that I had come to associate with him. It was Kaworu. Except older.

"I missed you, buddy" was all I could muster before giving the angel a hug. All these years, I wished and dreamed that I could have my old friend back. Even if he was an angel. Even if I was his murderer. He...he was my friend. He felt warm. He was real. Before I knew it, the tears flowed. The tears that I had held back for 8 years rained down on his blue hair. I missed him. He was there for me.

"Can I come in? I'm kind of cold" he asked, muffled into my chest. I invited him in, handing him a pair of slippers. His outfit didn't change from the last time I saw him. In that weird dream when I became God. The same uniform from middle school except bigger to accommodate his matured body. I turned on the lights as well as the kotatsu and pour two glasses of water, motioning for him to sit under the kotatsu.

"Here" I said, handing him the glass of water. I should call Asuka. But knowing her, she wouldn't come. Plus she didn't really know Kaworu, and I didn't want her meeting an angel. It was kind of...well not kind of. It was her enemy. I sat down across from him, the warmth from under the kotatsu spreading through my legs and into my torso.

"Nice place you got here" Kaworu said as he surveyed his room. Questions. Questions. So many questions I felt the need to ask. Where was Rei? Why are you here? All of them.

"Why are you here"

"Because I am. Don't you want me here?" This question. It was like having my arm cut off, my brain hammered, my torso shredded apart. I wanted everyone that I had lost back. Even my father. I missed it. I missed that rush, that satisfaction I got. But to relive it? That was an entirely different story.

"No."

"Why not, Mr. Pilot?" he taunted. I felt my heart beat faster, my lungs expand and deflate faster, I felt my blood flow to my brain faster, I felt him crawling out of my head faster.

"I lived 8 years. Peaceful years."

"Why does that even matter?"

"BECAUSE IF YOU'RE BACK. THEY'RE ALL BACK" I yelled, my mind contorted with equal parts anger and fear. I didn't want to go back into that machine. Fighting in fear, living without power at the hands of everybody else. I was finally Shinji Ikari instead of him, that boy, the third child. If they were back, I was back to being a status rather than a person. More importantly, Asuka would break. That look in her eyes, the scars on her wrist.

"What if we are all back?" He asked, "what if your happiness was a fallacy?" His words surged through my body, enticing my anger.

"I worked so hard…" was all I could mutter only for him to chuckle.

"I met your dad in the afterlife" Kaworu said after a minute of deadly silence. I looked at him. Nothing. I felt nothing.

"He never hated you, Shinji" was his follow-up. Terrible follow up, might I add. Still, I felt nothing.

"He wanted me to tell you that, if it makes you feel better"

"Did you meet my mom?"

"Well, not exactly. She's in outer space if you recall."

"Why are you back?"

"Unfinished business" An ambiguous answer once again. I don't know what I expected from the cryptic angel. Hell, the last 8 years I built were a lie. It was going to collapse again. Humanity was going to hell again. The baby Misato was nurturing in her womb would never get to see the light...never get to see the wonderful blue sea, that was once stained with red.

"I can't kill you again." I looked up into his red eyes. I wonder what he saw. I wonder what he's thinking about as I told him that. Year after year, I pondered on what he was seeing and thinking as he watched a 14 year old self-destruct. I wondered if he was actually my friend. Or was he just there to make sure I induced 3rd Impact? Either way, I became his reluctant God.

"None of this happiness is real." he said, taking a sip of his water. I continued studying him.

"I want it to be real" I responded.

"You can't do that"

"Why not?"

"Because you aren't god"

"No, I am God."

"You're a God who is just a pawn. Your father controlled you. Your mother controlled you. Asuka never loved you. NO ONE LOVED YOU."

"You're disgusting" was all I could muster.

Her words echoed in my ears. Why was I choking her? Where was I? Why am I back here? It was fake. FUCK. FUCKKK. FUCKKKKKKK. Shit, everything was fake. Everything. Her face. Her face was real. Her touch was real. She was real. I was back to where I began. Back on that beach 8 years ago or was it 8 years ago? Tears. I felt them roll down my face. Frantically escaping my eyes, pouring down my chin, onto her face.

"Asuka…"

"Why are you crying?"

"Because...you're real"