Hi beautiful people!

I realise that nobody reads this story anymore. And if somebody does, I'd like to apologise. I know it's all over the place, that my English isn't great, that it's just not perfect. I realise the messages I was sharing with a friend at the beginning of each chapters might be disturbing, and I wish I could cancel them but I don't have the original documents anymore and it's just not possible on the site. Even though I apologise for the inconvenience, I will not apologise for this story. It has helped me grow. At the time, I had lost my Olivia. The only friend I'd ever confided in. I can tell you that it hurt more than everything I've ever experienced. But it also forced me to grow the hell up. What have I become? Well, I'm not sure. I just know I'm ok. I have not settled for a life of pain. I have not settled for a life where I need to think about triggers every second of my life. I just knew I wanted more, and I didn't stop. I became someone able to help other people, not because I have to, but because I want to. Not because I gain something in return, just because. If you ever want to talk with me, feel free to PM me.

Somehow, I did not want to finish this story, it felt like a dear friend that I could always return to, if I needed it. I've always hated endings. But I'm writing other stories now, and I'm happy with them. (check out hypnosis, if you feel like it, I would really appreciate a feedback on it.)

This actual story deserved a final chapter and it took me a while, but here it is.

ENJOY!

Six months had passed. Six months of back and forth where Amanda tried to find rest in the person she was, instead of the one she wished to become. There hadn't been one step of the way that she had taken with confidence. She felt every struggle. In her line of work, she was used to assure women that it got easier with time. It didn't. She had been stuck in her own darkness for what seemed like an eternity. Thankfully, Olivia and Fin never gave up on her and every time Amanda felt like she was falling apart, they reminded her how brave she was. She didn't understand what they saw in her but it saved her. She promised herself that the day she could not see in their eyes that there was still hope for her, she would end it. She never told anyone about how that thought helped her going through the days. She would try as long as they thought she was worth the effort.

Amanda finally got to a point where she could function by herself again, where she become used to how her mind would always try to bring her down. She knew how not to fight the feeling anymore, that eventually it would pass. What she didn't know, was how to move past the helplessness. She did not believe that a better future was there, somewhere. She just got used to living with the pain.

Eventually, Amanda asked to come back to work. She made it clear that she wasn't sure if she still wanted to work at SVU. She passed her psych easily though. Nothing easier than fooling people pretending to care about other people's problems as a way to escape their own. She'd taken the task like an undercover job, and said the things she knew were within the norm. NYPD's psychologists seemed even clueless about life than regular ones. Many words, but they had no actual clue about how it felt to have been assaulted, how it felt to have their dignity stolen away from them. She despised people who would pretend to know what she'd been through. She despised their ignorance.

Olivia was aware of her tricks though, and for now, she suggested Amanda would be assigned to desk duty. Just until she figured things out. Amanda did not fight her. Honestly, she did not care. She felt grateful for the familiar environment though, and she quickly got used to what was expected of her. It helped a little, to know that she was contributing to something useful, but everything had lost meaning.

Until one day.

A woman in her thirties entered the precinct. Terrified, she was looking around with an empty stare, unsure of what she was doing there. She was on the verge of tears when Olivia rushed to help her.

Amanda lifted her eyes from the computer and the all too familiar desperation immediately invaded every inch of her body. Except that it did not hurt, quite the opposite. Like she'd been striking by lightning, the evidence came to her. She could see in herself what Olivia and Fin had been trying to tell her all along.

The distressed woman had been settled in Olivia's office, and when the Sergeant left to grab a glass of water for her, the blonde detective jumped out of her seat with determination.

"Liv, let me talk to her," she firmly demanded.

Olivia studied her subordinate's features. The conviction in the blue eyes, the passion, the solid posture. Something was very different in the way Amanda was standing and the Sargent could feel the change in her own heart. Still, they were in their work place, and as her superior, she needed to put a stop to the discussion, at least for the time being. She would be more than happy to consider Amanda's will to assume her previous position in a little while, but for now, she needed to help the woman waiting in her office. "Amanda, I appreciate your interest but I.."

"I've got this, I do," Amanda interrupted right away, with a stubbornness she even forgot existed within her.

"We should talk first," Olivia answered with a nod, even though her eyes were trying to furtively express how much she was proud of Amanda.

Right before Olivia could return to her office, Amanda didn't hesitate to block her way. She placed herself in front of the door, and lifted her head so Olivia could study her eyes, her soul, or whatever she needed to see in order to believe her. "You either trust me or you don't." This was it, the crossroad: the now or never point. For the first time in six months, her life meant something. Her hell meant something.

Olivia tilted her head with compassion. "I'm worried about you," she whispered sincerely, even though those weren't words she usually shared in the squad room.

"Don't be Olivia. I was born to do this."

Olivia nodded with emotion, repressing her instinct to hug her friend on their workplace. Being the the testimony of a transformation resulting from nothing but faith and hard work felt like a quiet marvel.

Amanda had risen from the ashes. The case was not an excuse to prove herself she could do it. She had already thrived. She was reborn.

I would like to thank each person that has ever left me a comment, or that has read the story. Your support made me feel less alone when I needed it the most.

I hope you are all growing.

Bless you.