To Keep a Heart Human

Disclaimer: yeah, because if I owned Star Trek, this is how I'd use it. Not mine; it all belongs to some big wigs from Hollywood. And possibly J.J. Abrams.
Rating: PG-13
Timeline: Star Trek: Into Darkness AU

# # #

The Mutara Nebula was a giant cloud of azure and purple dust spattered against the darkness of space. The Vengeance shuttle flew past it at leisure, Federation territory growing more and more distant behind it. Khan hovered over the control console, apparently as loathe as she was to break the relatively comfortable silence between them. Carol pulled at the thread of the knot settled low and heavy in her stomach. The final nature of her decision to leave Starfleet was no less of a bitter pill to swallow the second time around, despite the fact that the choice had now been entirely hers. She didn't regret it, but it was still a whole life she was leaving behind. The precious illusions the past four years had shattered continued to burden her.

Her own father, whom she had all but worshiped, had let her down in ways that she could not have imagined even in her worst nightmares. The specter of that treason had strained their relationship to the point of nearly breaking it. Starfleet had joined in that disappointment, forever embittering her loyalty to it, so much that it had been impossible for her to find a home even aboard the welcoming Enterprise. But more than anything her time on the augment colony had changed her, further dislodging her from the ideal of a Federation citizen, to which she had once upon a time aspired. Her feelings for Khan had scorched her heart, altering it, biding her to him. Her only consolation was that the two of them were burning together.

She rested her nape against the back of the chair she occupied on the shuttle. Her head was not at all clear where Khan was concerned. She had been lying to herself, if she had ever thought differently. She also knew it would be not be easy for the two of them to have a balanced relationship anchored on equal footing. Her values would always clash with his ambitions and her easy-going nature with his intensity. At chore, augments were humans with all the setting set to maximum, but Khan always went the extra mile. If the rest of his kind never did things halfway, Khan constantly went farther than even all the way, mostly because he was extremely passionate... even by superhuman standards.

His anger was sheer rage, his fidelity boundless devotion, his commitments defied all sense and restraint. On the flip-side, this was exactly why she had believed him when he had told her he loved her, as they had been returning from rescuing Admiral Pike and Kati from the Orion Syndicate. Khan could not have simply liked her or formed a passing attachment to her. If he had begun to let himself feel anything for her, then it could only be the only type of love he was capable of: an all-consuming and zealous one. Beyond the ego stroke, to which Carol freely admitted, she couldn't deny being rattled by the mere idea of such adoration, her own human heart didn't have a hope of matching.

Despite what millennia of literature – both earthen and alien – assured, having someone willing to go to extreme lengths for her was terrifying rather than romantic, especially when that someone was Khan, who had the means of keeping his promise of doing anything for her. When Khan had told her he would kill for her, if need be, her reaction had been one of panic. It had faded, but one of the concerns for the future of their connection included keeping him from doing anything drastic for her. Or for his family. Maybe just maybe the Federation would let them be and never give Khan the opportunity to unfold the true might of the darkness that was not so much inscribed in his veins but part of his psyche.

Carol loved him, she truly did and was aware of the good in him, but also of the vicious streak the genetic engineering had amped to paroxysm. His cold, calculated intellect provided a counter-balance to that, but not enough. Never enough. She wasn't worried for herself, since she knew he was on that very short list of people Khan would rather die than hurt. She had never feared him, not even in the beginning when she had expected the worst from him, but she feared for anyone who would ever scorn him. While he had a certain code of his own making, a notion of order he had once imposed on his now pulverized empire, he had every few in terms of qualms. If she ever intended to influence him in any way, she hoped it would be in the latter.

"Are you alright?"

His rumbled question startled her out of her musings. He opened owlish eyes to stare at his upturned profile. His expression was earnest, vaguely marred by inquietude.

She nodded. "I need time," she said, echoing her words from back when he had first asked her to come with him to the colony on Ceti Alpha V.

He glanced back at his console before turning his head to her once more. "If you want," he began mildly. "You can live with Kati for a while."

She leaned over to press a quick kiss to his lips, aiming to convey that her next words were not a rejection. "I think that would be best... at least for now."

She needed to find her a role for herself within the colony before they could properly resume their relationship. Besides, she didn't want to pick up exactly where they had left off, when he had shipped her away after her having saved his family. A new trust had to be forged between them and they had to establish a more open foundation for their commitment. And she needed space to sort through her feelings and the new separation anxiety in the aftermath of her leaving of her home world behind.

The new beginning seemed auspicious, as he was at least very willing to give her all the time she required.

# # #

The return to Ceti Alpha V was not exactly like coming home, but it was familiar: same gray skies, howling wind, punishing white light of the system's large star and rarefied atmosphere. The new colony was much more modest than the one destroyed by the Klingon incursion her father had instigated: small dwellings huddled together amid the algae-covered rocks of a narrow northern valley shielded by the sparse peaks of the Morningstar Mountains. Khan hadn't bothered with a house of his own in the new city, opting for living in a tiny apartment atop the political building.

Kati's home was located by a small lake on the edge of the colony and surrounded by the hydroponic garden, for which her friend was responsible. Discreet as always, Kati didn't comment on Carol's choice to stay with her rather than Khan and welcomed her into her house with open arms. The first days on Ceti Alpha V were disconcerting, as she soon realized she shouldn't have worried about any relapse into her past on the colony. Except for Kati, with whom she had easily fallen back into the routine of their friendship, everyone else, including the former starbase personnel having stayed behind with augments, had immediately started to treat not only as family, but also with a level of respect similar to the one afforded to Khan as their leader. Before nobody would have been so forward as to comment on Khan's sleeping with her or sneer at their few and restrained public displays of affection, however, none of the augments, not even those who had grown to like her, acted as though she had any authority among them. They had tolerated her as useful and listened to her opinion on technical matters but always looked to Khan for confirmation, before agreeing with her on anything. Some had not even given her that courtesy.

Apparently, her sacrifice for them meant that she was now an honorary augment, even if her genes begged to differ. Despite their living arrangements, she was obviously now seen as Khan's actual wife rather than a convenient mistress. Her name sounded like a title, when the others addressed her and she got consulted on administrative decisions she had never been a part of before. As a former Starfleet officer, Carol was used to a hierarchal structure, however it chafed to be afforded some sort of rank out of sheer gratitude. Still she didn't want to upset the delicate accord that seemed to have been struck so seamlessly with the superhumans and retained hopes of being able to influence them onto more peaceful and less authoritarian ways.

Their society was governed by simple rules centered around the concept of loyalty and order. Khan's authority was undisputed and Carol doubted the augments had it in them to be truly democratic, but they were far less xenophobic than their victors in the Eugenic Wars had claimed. As long as they contributed to the colony and obeyed their laws, both the former Section 31 agents remaining on the planet and prospective new settlers were treated fairly and even allowed a limited contribution to decisions affecting them all. At the end of the day, though, whatever Khan said went.

# # #

The augments had cleaned up the ruble of the old colony and the vegetation had already started to reclaim the fertile valley. Carol stood on the bank of the river, near which Khan's and her old house had once been, sorting through her memories and considering her present. Building an entire civilization from the ground up on such a hostile planet was hard work and soon her time to think would be severely limited. The sound of an approaching shuttle distracted her from her musings. She waited for the vehicle to land and was not surprised when Khan stepped out of it.

When he came closer, she saw he was carrying a bouquet of local flowers: something similar to amaryllis but smaller and maroon in color.

"Hello," he said with a faint smile and held out the flowers to her. "It's difficult to find anything that doesn't bite or is extremely poisonous within this planet's flora, but Kati assures me these are harmless."

"I didn't know you'd taken an interest in botanics," she noted studying the flowers.

"I didn't. The flowers are for you."

She tilted her head, confused, but still took the bouquet from him. "I didn't change my field of expertise, since we last spoke, either."

Khan frowned, his luminous eyes regarding her somberly. "It's no longer common among your people to gift flowers as a courting ritual, is it?"

She giggled loudly and stroked a finger on the velvety petals. "No, it's not. Did 20th century people normally start courting each others several years after they'd gotten married?"

"No," he admitted. "But then things have hardly been anything approaching normal between the two of us."

She looked away, the air between them growing charged, but then a recollection of something from film from Khan's time floated to the surface of her mind. She glanced to him again. "Were you trying to tell me something all those times you brought me coffee?"

He rewarded her words with a wider smile. "It would have been difficult to invite you to coffee, when we don't have any cafés on the planet."

"You don't have to romance me."

Khan slid closer to her. "What can I do then besides waiting and asking for your forgiveness?"

She moved to sit on one of the more prominent moss-covered stone by the river, the flowers resting in her lap, her eyes trained on him. He looked vaguely unsettled. "You don't have to keep apologizing," she finally said.

"You haven't forgiven me yet," he stated. He came to sit on a rock across from her.

She chose her next words with great care. "It's not about forgiveness. I've come to terms with what happened between us a while ago... . It's about trust."

"And you have said you don't trust yourself around me. From the way your heart-beat just picked up, I believe I know why."

She scoffed. "You flatter yourself."

Something akin to amusement flickered on his visage. "Would it help if I told you I have the same disadvantage?"

"Not considering your metabolism is faster than mine," she teased.

He smiled indulgently and they paused letting the moment pass.

"Aren't you going to ask whether I trust you or not?" she finally questioned.

"It wouldn't matter. I have plans to demonstrate you that you can."

She grinned fondly. "Always the strategist." She reached over and stroked the fingers of her left hand over the expanse of his cheek.

"Your flowers seem to wilt very fast," he remarked.

She gazed to her lap just in time to see that the petals had indeed become droopy and tinged with black spots. "Look at the bright side: at least they didn't bite me."

He snatched her wrist when she would draw it back and took her hand to his lips to place a light kiss on the back of it.

# # #

It was a testament of Khan's faith in her that he slept so peacefully with her awake next to him. Normally he jumped up at the slightest hint of movement or sound in his proximity. In the beginning of their physical relationship, he would not even lie next to her after they had had sex. Then even after he had started spending the night with her, he would not hold her. When in time he had allowed her in his arms, his entire body would radiate tension and he had never let himself fall asleep before her. When she had discovered his nightmares, he had at first resolutely refused her attempts to comfort him. After that evening when he had apologized to her, the lines of separation between them had become increasingly blurred. He had finally confided in her that he sometimes dreamed of the tortuous experiments performed on him in the lab that had made him what he was and that he lived in perpetual fear for the safety of his people.

Watching him sleep so relaxedly in her bed in Kati's spare bedroom, Carol wondered if their relationship was not perhaps deeply rooted in shared vulnerability. She had been in a very fragile position as his de facto hostage and he had inadvertently compensated for that by relating to her his nightmares and fears. She reached over to brush off a lock of hair from his face. He looked younger like this and so innocent without the brooding frown that he often adopted when awake. She knew he was aware of her every move, as augments still retained a measure of consciousness when asleep, and hoped he was comforted by her presence.

Carol had not planned on sleeping with him, when she had asked him over for dinner, as she had been left alone in Kati's home, when her friend had gone off planet for a few days. But then Khan and she had always been better at communicating with their bodies than their words. Besides, his patience with her in the two months since her return to Ceti Alpha V had not failed to move her. He seemed genuinely set on following the rhythm she fixed for their relationship. Perhaps she could meet him halfway and reconsider his suggestion to build a house of their own.

# # #

Kati told herself she had put on her finest dress – an exotic type of alien sari made from shimmering silk, because she had so few opportunities to dress up during the long hours of the punishing work it took to maintain the hydroponic gardens and keep an eye out for the many dangers of her planet's savage plant life. But if she were perfectly honest with herself, she did wish to make an impression upon Christopher Pike, whom she was seeing for the first time since their mutual rescue from the Orion Syndicate. Before they had parted back aboard the Vengeance in the orbit of the Theta IX planetoid, they had exchanged long-distance frequencies they could use to communicate and had since sent each other numerous audio communiques. She had found that she liked him a lot more than it was wise, certainly enough to stop blaming her feelings to the high of getting through a stressful situation together.

Repressing one's emotions did not come naturally to an augment, but she could not give hers free reign, either. So she tried to keep the Starfleet admiral rather than the man to the forefront of her mind and impose a strictly friendship policy on their relationship. Friends used to go to shows together back in the 20th century. There was no reason why in the 23rd century friends should not travel to distant neutral location for a spectacle of alien theater.

A familiar voice called her name and she whirled around only to be greeted by the sight of a smiling Admiral Christopher Pike. He wasn't wearing his Starfleet uniform, but a crisp white, wrap tunic and gray slacks. It was difficult to think of his rank and position, when he stood there, weight supported by his cane, devastatingly handsome in the rosy light of the strange planet, blue eyes glittering with genuine warmth and joy. She bit on the insides of her cheeks, reminding herself that three hundred years old augments did not blush, and strode up to meet him.

# # #

"I think they have earthen food, too, if Tellarite linguine don't agree with you. Alien cuisine can be pretty odd the first time around," Chris said kindly across the table from her.

Kati did not lift her gaze from the weird pasta, as she mumbled that her meal was just fine.

"It's not the food then, is it?" he asked.

She stabbed at a noodle with her fork and shoveled it into her mouth. The taste, a mix of bitter and spicy, exploded on her tongue, as she chewed it with great care, stalling for time.

They were having a somewhat uncomfortably quiet dinner after attending a performance of Antares theater in a lovely restaurant located entirely on a elevated terrace with a translucent floor that afforded a spectacular view of the brightly-lit city below. Vividly-colored potted bushes shadowed the tables, giving the guests a lot of privacy.

"Do it bother you... what I am?" She looked at him, as she spoke.

He was regarding her from the corners of his eyes. "Kati, I know there were many types of prejudices in your century, but nowadays it's not uncommon for humans to have all kinds of relationships with our version of different races. I, myself, have a lot of alien friends and colleagues and an Betazoid ex," he added with a small smile.

"I'm not an alien," she said tersely.

"No, but you don't think of yourself as human, either."

Her stomach gave an uncomfortable lurch at that. Every cell in her body was engineered to be better than humans and Kati had a hard time forgetting that. Just as she couldn't forget how the humans had treated her kind, after and while they had manufactured them through a series of most painful medical tests.

"I am not," she spat through gritted teeth, emphasizing her last word.

He leaned back in his chair. "Then it bothers you... what I am."

"Chris," she started then thought the better of it. "I doubt either of us can ignore our kinds' shared past. You see as an experiment gone awry and we... to be honest, I don't know whether we resent you because of your inferior abilities or because we're angry at what you did to us. You made us this way and then you treated us as though everything that happened afterwards was our fault, when you didn't even bother to ask our permission for it."

He expelled a shuddery breath. Even with the clatter of tableware and the conversations of the other restaurant patrons rolling in her sensitive ears, she could still pick up the increase in his heart-beat.

"First of all," he said in a surprising mellow tone of voice. "Don't let anyone call you and your people an experiment. You're sentient beings. Second, I'd apologize for what my fellow humans did to you, but that'd be redundant three centuries after the facts. I can, however, say that I'm sorry for Admiral Marcus' actions. I think it's dishonorable that Starfleet never issued a formal apology, but I don't claim we're perfect in every way."

"We never formally apologized for anything, either," she reminded him.

"Right. How about we leave the past in the past where it belongs and concentrate on the present for a change? So I am going to as you again: is my being human a problem for you?"

Her own heart sped up and she quite irrationally regretted his not being able to hear it. "I wish it were," she confessed.

His hand slid across the table and gently squeezed her right wrist. To her horror, she realized her hand was slightly trembling.

"Then I suggest we put aside what we are and my position in Starfleet and set about having a nice, less awkward dinner."

She slipped her wrist out of his grip. "Why are you doing this, Chris? Is it because I saved your life on that Orion hide-out?"

He smiled slightly. "It's part of it, but mostly I do it, because I have a lot of downtime I never took, since I've had someone as beautiful as you to spend it with."

As it turned out, three hundred years old augments did blush.

~ the end ~