Objects in space

Fingertips were gently caressing his temple.

It was soothing, relaxing, and he could think of nothing else but these fingertips, steadily drawing circles on his skin, applying just enough pressure. He had not felt this relaxed in years, could barely remember the last time he had not felt the dull pain of a headache. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but never truly without pain. Until now.

Kaidan Alenko blinked tired. The room was still mostly dark, just a bit of pale light shimmered through shutters.

The fingers on his temple belonged to the woman lying next to him, her full lips curved in a soft smile. When he opened his eyes, she stopped drawing circles on his skin and instead held his face when she moved closer and her lips brushed his.

"Don't stop…" he whispered. She smiled and resumed her absentminded massage. He closed his eyes, allowed himself to sooth into her touch.

It all still seemed unreal.

They had been on the Citadel for four days now, since the Reaper threat had been averted. After she had recovered from her injuries in Dr. Michel's clinic, there had been ceremonies and celebrations and honours and all kinds of formal events. Barely a moments to breathe. She said so several times. 'It's like they're suffocating me, Kaidan. I can't even breathe without the council reporting on it.' She was exhausted, he knew that, they were draining her. But instead of enjoying her shore leave alone, away from all the press and Alliance, she was here. With him. And he still had trouble understanding how he could be so lucky.

"How are you?" she asked, her voice soft, nothing of the harsh tone she had when she was yelling commands across a battlefield over the noise of explosions. There still was something raw in her voice, something untamed, something that was just so naturally her, he could not imagine anyone else with that voice.

"I'm good. Better than good. How about you? Did you get any sleep?" he asked, his eyes still closed. But he felt her smile on his lips.

"I did," she whispered.

He knew she never slept much. He knew, because over the weeks he had served under her command on the Normandy, he had ever so often seen her in the mess in the middle of the night, going over reports with a cup of tea instead of sleeping. She would smile it off, said that she never slept much, that it came with the job. But she had always looked a little exhausted, a little chased, like she was afraid to sleep because she did not know where she would be when she woke up. And the morning when they reached Ilos, after they had spent their first night together, when they woke up in each other's arms for the first time, she had smiled at him like she had just now and told him that it was the first time since Elysium she had slept a night through. That she felt safe with him, that it felt right with him. And suddenly, his life had a purpose. To make her feel the safest she could possibly be.

He wrapped his arms around her, pulled her closer to him and she wrapped her arms around his neck as they kissed. He loved the scent of her skin, the taste of her lips, the way her body fit his so perfectly. It should be like this forever, lost in her kiss, healing each other.

She reluctantly pulled away. "I have a meeting with the council today. Something about a geth attack…"

"They can wait," he whispered. With one controlled move, he had her on her back and let his lips wander over her skin, her hands pinned onto the bed with his, fingers intertwined. She arched her back towards him, a moan escaping her lips. Yes, the council could wait, he would not let this woman go any time soon. He would not ever let this woman go.

"Kaidan I need you to get everyone safe!" she ordered, allowed no argument against her. Suddenly, she was Commander Shepard again, like their intimate nights never happened, like she had not been sleeping in his arms just hours before. But there was something in her voice, the way she said it. She needed him to get everyone safe. Like she needed to know that he was off this ship, no matter what, like all that mattered to her was that he was safe and it was tearing him apart that she would put him over her own safety. He did not want to leave her side, did not want to turn away but an order was an order. He saluted.

"Yes, Ma'am."

He went to the escape pods, she went the other way, to get Joker. They were in short range radio contact, he informed her when he had the entire crew off the ship. Liara had been the last to leave her lab behind, only after she had copied literally every Goddamn file off her hard-drive, everything she had on the protheans and the Reapers, and Kaidan was furious with her for taking so long and risking everyone.

"Shepard, we're in the escape pods, everyone's fine!"

The pod launched along with several others and he was staring out the bulls-eye into the darkness of space. The Normandy was burning in orbit before them, falling apart as they watched.

"Good, I got Joker, we-"

There was an explosion, screams, another beam from the enemy ship. The Normandy flew apart. Kaidan fell backwards from the bulls-eye, all air pressed from his lungs on impact. But he was on his feet momentarily, stared out into space where their ship was falling to pieces.

"Shepard?! Shepard can you hear me?! Shepard?"

There! He could see her, blown out of the wreck, spinning in space. She was trying to stabilize herself in orbit, tried to find something to hold on to, some drifting parts of the Normandy. He hammered his fist against the bulls-eye, tried to get her attention. "Shepard!"

"Shit. Shit!"

He heard her curse through the short range.

"Shepard, can you hear me?!"

"Kaidan, can you hear me?!" she said. Her voice was wearing thin.

She couldn't hear him.

He realized it painfully. Her ear piece had to have been smashed on impact, or maybe his microphone had not taken the blow so well.

She could not hear him.

For all she knew, she was alone out there.

"Shepard! I am here, I can hear you, Shepard! Shepard!"

"Kaidan I don't know if you can… if you can… hear me…"

She was having trouble breathing. Why was she struggling so much? Why was…

Was that air escaping from her suit? She was drifting away, so it was hard to tell. Was she losing oxygen?nOh God no. No no no this could not be happening.

"Shepard, help is coming; they're on their way, just… hold on! You have to hold on, you hear me, you have to hold on for me."

She was drifting away, her figure getting smaller in the distance.

"Kaidan, I am losing air. I don't know if you can hear me… I am losing air… I… I can't… I can't breathe… I…"

Her voice was barely audible. She was gasping for breath between words – or maybe sobbing? – he could see she was trying to cover the leak in the back of her suit, very unsuccessfully so.

"Shepard! Shepard you have to hold on! Help is on the way!"

He was lying to himself, he knew that. Help may be on the way, but they would not be here in time. She was drifting away to fast. He guessed she was already in the gravitational field of the planet, she was not just floating around aimlessly – she was falling. At this rate, she would probably burn up in the atmosphere before she would suffocate. Either way, she was dying.

His brain knew that. His heart refused to accept it. No, she would not die, she could not. She was Commander Shepard, she had defeated the Geth, Saren, Sovereign, she would not die like this, fade like a shooting star in a matter of seconds. "Shepard for Gods sake, you have to hold on! Don't leave me behind!"

"Kaidan…"

His name was the last thing she said. A sharp breath drawn in, then the beginning of a scream, then communication cut off abruptly.

He stared into the darkness of space, could not move, could not think, did not even realize at first that the scream he thought he was hearing was his own.

She was gone.

He felt his knees give, felt himself collapse on the ground of the escape pod. He barely noticed Liara climb out of her seat to get to him, barely noticed her hands on his shoulders, barely heard her whisper 'She's gone, Kaidan, I am sorry, she's gone'. He felt his heart stop, his world come apart.

She was gone.

She was gone...

Thousands had come.

Anonymous people, strangers, a blurry mesh of faces gathered at the presidium for the memorial service. Alliance soldiers in formal uniform, mourning bands on their arms. To honour the hero of the Citadel, the destroyer of the geth.

He was still numb. He barely remembered anything from the ceremony. Councillor Anderson said a few words, Kaidan barely remembered any of it. Something about her heroism, about her bravery, about her dying to protect her crew, like any good Captain would, because in the end she valued the good of others above her own. Political, meaningless talk. She would have hated it.

The procession honoured an empty coffin, they had been unable to recover a body – God knows how far off she might have come down, if at all, if anything even remained of her after entering the atmosphere.

She was gone.

He remembered folding the Alliance flag and then approaching her family. Captain Hannah Shepard of the Kilimanjaro looked much like her eldest daughter. The same short hair, just mostly grey, the same stature, the same green eyes against dark skin. Rear Admiral John Shepard was a stern man, tall and firm like a rock, his hands in his back now, shoulders squared, just like the Commander used to stand, she clearly had that from him. The younger daughter was with them. Kaidan had not even known Shepard had a sister. The girl was barely 14, sat in a wheelchair. Vrolick Syndrome, Joker had said, apparently patients knew each other. Rukia Shepard was her name. Her sisters biggest fan.

Kaidan handed the flag to the Rear Admiral, then saluted. The man saluted back, so did the Captain of the Kilimanjaro. Then she took his hand.

"She spoke highly of you, Lieutenant Alenko. She cared a great deal," she said.

"Your daughter was an extraordinary woman," he said, repeating words he had said a million times today and would say a million times more until he barely believed them himself. Of course she had been an extraordinary woman. But that hadn't saved her. She was gone. And he was left behind, forever with the bitter memory that she had been alone.

Author's note:

Aaaaand now I made myself sad. heilwolflord on tumblr posted this casual prompt on the Kaidan Alenko tag and I stumbled over it (while casually stalking the Kaidan Alenko tag...) and I just... things just got real intense from there. Certainly not my best work but it was done in like... two hours, while crying so yeah, forgive me... I think this is the first time ever that I have written a one-shot!