Chapter 1

Another pill. Another sleepless night.

It feels like I've only closed my eyes for a minute, but I open my eyes to see the sunlight streaming into my room. The clock reads 7:00 AM. Rushing into the bathroom, I quickly put on my make-up to cover up my darkening eyes.

I keep thinking about just skipping school instead, but I've already done that enough. On the way to school, I pull over and pop another pill into my mouth. I know I shouldn't. I know it's bad. But I can't help it.

The moment I pull into the parking lot of school, I take a deep breath. No one could ever know. Not even my closest friends.

Class went by in a blur. I can't control myself. I am losing control.

Mr. Fitz calls me over after class to talk with him about my grades.

"Miss Hastings, may I have a word with you right now?" Mr. Fitz asks, standing up from his desk.

"Uh... sure..." I mumble, walking back into the classroom.

"Spencer," he begins cautiously. "I'm concerned about you."

"Concerned about me?" I ask, raising my eyebrow.

"Yes, I know that you had a drug problem a while ago. I hope you have not resorted to that again. Your work has usually been surpassing everyone's, but when I was looking at your latest paper, I was baffled. I know you're better than this."

"I... I... you... I have to go," I stammer, and begin to walk away nervously.

Taking me by surprise, he reaches over and grabs my arm. I almost gasp at the way he forcefully yanks me so I'm facing him again.

"No Spencer," he says sternly. "Your grades are dropping. If you need to talk about something, you can talk to me."

"Talk to you?" I say, scoffing. "There's nothing to talk about!"

"Spencer, I care—" he tries.

"Care?" I snap. "If you really cared, you would leave me alone."

"Spen... Spencer..." Mr. Fitz says, sighing loudly. "Come on, don't do this."

"Stop it!" I yell with all I have left in me. "I don't need another person in my life telling me what I should and shouldn't do."

Blowing away all the stubbornness in me, I walk out of his classroom. Something tells me that Mr. Fitz knows more about me than I know about myself.

I can barely make it through the day. I need to find somewhere alone so I can take another pill. I can't even keep my eyes open anymore! After school, I'm ready to speed home so I can keep myself awake, but there seems to be a road block in my way.

My friends.

"Spence, why the hell do you look like you haven't slept in like fifty years?" Hanna says in a voice that sounds jokey.

"Cramming for that big physics test. Nothing new," I lie, turning away so she can't see the extremely visible dark circles under my eyes.

"Yeah, but usually you have some coffee and you're good to go," Aria says, looking at me as if she's analyzing me for my lies. "Talk to us."

"God, are you a drug addict again?" Hanna bluntly asks.

"Hanna!" Emily cries. "Spencer, what she's trying to say is that we know you're back on those pills again."

"Pills?" I say, scoffing, trying my hardest to hide my nervousness. "You guys are crazy. Where is this even coming from?"

"Oh, don't play dumb, Spencer," Hanna says, crossing her arms.

"Ezra told us," Aria says, looking at her friend with concern in her eyes. "We know, Spencer. This game is over. We already know."

"Ezra told you?" I ask, scoffing. "Ezra? Because he's obviously the most reliable person in the world!"

"I've only had like one or two pills! I don't know why Ezra is doing this. He's up to something. You have to believe me. He's just trying to take the focus off of his own self!" I desperately cry out.

They have to know what he's doing!

"Spencer. Do you hear me! SPENCER! Snap out of it! What's gotten into you!?" Aria cries. "This is Ezra we're talking about. He would never hurt us. You've got to snap out of it."

"Nothing has gotten into me! What I'm saying is true. You've got to believe me!" I cry, but they shake their heads.

"We have to go, but please, when you calm down and snap back into your reality, call us," Aria says. "We care about you. I'm going to talk to Ezra, and we are both going to work as hard as we can to fix you."

"Fix me?" I tremble. "Aria, stop! Get back here! Don't talk to him about this!"

But they walk away from me. And I can't stop them. They know. My whole body feels numb. I try to keep walking towards my car in the parking lot, but I can barely even focus.

"Spencer?"

Great, another person is here to bug me! Just great. I sigh, turning around. And it's not even a person I can tolerate, not than I can tolerate a lot of people. It's that weirdo Toby.

"God, what do you want?" I snap.

"I just... I saw you crying, and I was... just wondering if you're okay," he says, raising an eyebrow.

"You're such a freak!" I yell. "I don't need your help. Just get away from me!"

His whole body sinks down, and his normally sparkling blue eyes go dim. He opens his mouth to speak again, but I think I've already scared him enough, because he doesn't say anything else. He just walks away. I try to compose myself again, and continue walking. I see my car in the parking lot, but I don't want to go home right now. I need to just... I need to just take a deep breath.

I don't know where I'm even going. I just look for some place that's near school where no one would bother going. I slump down in the alley way between some cupcake store and some jewelry place. I sink until I hit the dirty floor of the ground, which is by a couple of dumpsters, not that it really even matters.

I just let myself cry like I've never cried before. How did this come to be? It started off as just a few simple pills, and now, I don't even know what's happening anymore! I don't even have control on my own life. And now Aria and Ezra are planning to fix me together, and all my friends think I'm a speed freak. I just c—

My thoughts are interrupted by something, someone, grabbing my shoulder.