Bittersweet

Setting: A few days after "Captives" (Season 9, Episode 14). So basically, spoilers for everything S1 to 9 (references past events).

Disclaimer - Sadly these beautiful people are not mine. If they were I'd sit them down and give them a good talking to. Or just hang out with them watching Dr Sexy and eating pie.

NB: We all know Sam is struggling with Dean saving him, so if Sam's feelings about that topic are unsettling to you personally be warned it will come up.

Sam bit his lip pensively, wavering, but then gave in to temptation and longing and threw the ingredients into his shopping basket, pretending that they didn't mean anything.

Back in the bunker Sam spread the items out on the kitchen bench before taking a step back and surveying them doubtfully.

Lemon juice.

I can of sweetened condensed milk.

500 grams of cream cheese.

1 packet of plain sweet biscuits.

1 pomegranate.

And oddest of all, a brand new electric mixer. Possibly the most unusual thing for a hunter to own. For a moment Sam found himself trying to remember if he knew of any spells where a mixer would come in handy, they didn't spring to mind though he was pretty sure a few supernatural brews had gone into Bobby's blender over the years.

Well it was too late to back out now, and the hunger was still gnawing at him. He just hoped Dean wouldn't notice the buzz of the mixer, but given how much time he'd spend in this room listening to music lately Sam doubted that would be an issue.

He was almost done when his luck ran out. He was just spooning the creamy filling onto the biscuits, which he'd carefully laid out in a baking dish, when Dean walked in.

"What he hell? Since when do you cook?" Dean asked before he remembered they weren't talking, at least not unless it involved hunting.

"I can cook," Sam retorted.

"Yeah rabbit food, but that doesn't look like salad. What the heck is that? It looks like a giant blob of cream, and how the heck did you get the little seeds out of the pomegranate without making a mess?" Dean asked incredulously, his curiosity getting the better of his bad mood.

"I ah.. it's a cheesecake, and seeding the pomegranate isn't actually that hard…. Amelia showed me how," Sam stammered, embarrassed and awkward and not wanting to talk about it. It felt like he'd spent most of his life trying to get his brother to pen up more and talk about his feeling and now that Sam wasn't interested in talking all Dean did was ask questions.

"Huh?" Dean remarked, a sympathetic look flashing across his face before he steeled himself once more trying to drain the emotion from his face. "Well good luck with your cheese cake," he added awkwardly, diverting to the fridge for a beer and making ready to high tail out of the kitchen. He'd actually come for food but he'd lost his appetite. It was just too darn hard being around Sam like this. Anger and frustration bubbled upside him and it was hard feeling angry at someone you felt sad for.

"Wait, Dean," Sam called. "I think it'll be ready in like a hour, it just goes in the freezer till it's less mushy, you don't even cook it. But it's good. You should have some – I can't eat all of this… and it goes surprisingly well with beer."

"Really?" Dean asked, a long confused look on his face.

"Yeah," Sam responded firmly, his nostrils flaring slightly.

"Sure. An hour? Well I was just going to take a sandwich back to my room."

"You can eat here," Sam offered "or in the library. We can still hang out."

"Really Sam we?" Dean asked skeptically, the harsh tone rising up in his voice.

"Look about what Kevin said, I can't just get over it, but we can do better. I can do better. I'm not saying I'm ready to go back to how things were, or that I ever want to go back to the way things were, because I don't and that's not about you and me its about what we do and me not believing that we were making decisions for the greater good. Dean you're a great brother, that's the problem. Letting go of Amelia made me realize that I can't have family not if I'm still going to do this. But I'd really like a friend." The words tumbled over each other exploding out of Sam's mouth. Built up ever since that first fight. He'd been a afraid to say them, even after Kevin begged them to because he was afraid that if he let Dean back in, even just a little bit, it would all come back but this was getting ridiculous.

"A friend?" Dean raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "You're right I don't get it and I'm not going to get it. You and I aren't friends. Not anymore. Night Sam, you can keep your fancy cheese cake," Dean grumbled and stalked off towards his bedroom once more.

Sam winced and banged the counter top with his fit before letting out a sigh of frustration. He should have known better than to try. With Dean it was all or nothing and Sam couldn't give him everything that he wanted anymore than he could give Amelia what she wanted.

So he sat at the counter with a beer and drank and remembered.

He remembered when things were simpler.

When it was all about chasing the next monster.

When Wendigos were the worst thing he'd come across.

Before the angels and Lucifer and the trails.

Before he'd failed. And failed again.

It felt like he'd just stopped missing Jess when he found Amelia and for a few sweet months as much as he'd missed his brother he'd been free and happy.

But Winchesters weren't born for that life. Winchesters were Men of Letters and Hunters. Winchesters were responsible and self-sacrificing and to be those things he had to be alone. He had to be tougher and stronger.

It was the only way he could be the man he needed to be: to avoid failing them again, all of them.

And yes it meant hurting his brother. But it was worth it, to be ready next time, because if there was one hope that Sam had left it wasn't for law school or a life with Amelia, it was for another chance to sacrifice himself, and this time he wouldn't be talked out of it. And screw Dean, their Dad would be proud, Bobby too. Because their Dad and Bobby understood what Sam understood, it was okay to let go if it was for the right reasons. And one day when Dean had found peace with Lisa or someone like her, because Sam still believed that was possible, the older Winchester brother would forgive his little brother from pulling away from him.

The lemon cheese mixture was sweet and bitter at the same time. The pomegranate danced across his taste buds sweet and strong and fresh. The beer washed it down effectively and with each gulp he swallowed the memory of his dark haired girl with shinning eyes and an even brighter small and that laugh that made his heart sing. There had been happy times together, spend fighting each other for the last forkful, talking about their day and their future. It felt like a million years ago and it hurt to remember but every day it became more like a bed-time story, a tale of an exotic otherworld that a man like himself, but somehow different, had lived in for just a few bitter sweet moments.

THE END

A/N: I'm pretty new to SPN fanfic so please tend gently but constructive suggestions are welcome. The recipe is one I make for my family and love and I thought it was easy enough that I could imagine one of the boys throwing it together, but I was a bit worried cheesecake was an Australian thing, especially the no-bake thing, so I hope it still made sense for US readers.