TITLE: Angry All The Time
AUTHOR: Lucky Star ([email protected])
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the 7th Heaven characters, but as a writer I claim the right to alter facts and fill in blanks as needed...Please don't sue me. I'm writing only for fun. Any unfamiliar faces are figments of my twisted imagination.
CHARACTERS: The Camden family and a few other familiar faces. Possibly some new faces. Features Lucy in the lead role
SUMMARY: Lucy ponders life with Kevin.
SPOILERS: None, really.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just let me know
FEEDBACK: Definitely! [email protected]
WARNING: This fic deals with domestic violence. Please do not read if you think you will be upset by such issues.
Angry All The Time
A 7th Heaven Song Fic by Lucky Star
Using Tim McGraw's "Angry All The Time"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids
Who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I'm not old but I'm getting a whole lot older every day
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I put the plate on the table in front of my husband, turning it just right, just the way he liked it. He turned his chin up to look at me, his eyes hard and cold. Distant. Angry. "You know I like my eggs on the right, bacon and toast on the left." The tone of his voice matched the threat in his eyes.
I nodded meekly and turned the plate as he said. Yesterday he wanted eggs on the left, bacon and toast on the right. "I'm sorry, Kevin." My voice sounded pathetic, weak, miserable. He would never allow me to get it right the first time. He would always be right, I would be forever wrong. Every time.
He grabbed my wrist, held it tight in the circle of his fingers. "Don't let it happen again." He hissed. "You know how I like my plate." He stared at me with those cold, angry eyes. He looked so old. Old and angry and bitter. A terrible way to live, but he wasn't alone in his misery. He made sure day and night that I was suffering right there with him. More than him.
"Of course, Kevin." I hate myself every time I cowered under him, but I had little choice with his hand gripping my wrist so tightly. "I'll be more careful next time." I tucked my chin to my chest, submissive, braced for the blow of his fist.
"Damn straight you will." He squeezed my wrist before releasing it with a jerk. He didn't hit me. He just threw me away from him. I stumbled backward, colliding with the counter. At least it kept me from falling.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's too late to keep from goin' crazy
I got to get away
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I looked up at the ceiling, a silent thank you for that mercy, offered to a God I regularly questioned now. I could hear the kids coming down the stairs. They wouldn't find me on the floor this morning.
Or any other morning, I decided, right then and there. No more. Once Kevin went off to work, I would pack a few small bags, load the minivan with only the essentials, and pick up the kids from school. We would be half way to Illinois before dinner. And we would never look back.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Maybe I should have paid more attention in the beginning. Back when Kevin lived in the garage apartment at my parent's house. When he wouldn't tell me about his past girl friends, or even if he had ever slept with another woman.
Maybe it was none of my business, but I wanted to know.
There were so many things about Kevin I didn't know.
I knew he had a temper, I just didn't know how violent he could be. And I certainly never thought, would never have believed, he would unleash it on me. He didn't let that show until after the wedding.
There were little things, once I started paying attention. Cold, hard glares, locked jaw, grinding teeth, tight fists, heavy steps.
I guess I loved him enough to over look those things. I loved him enough to believe he would never hurt me.
We were married just three weeks the first time. He had been back at work two weeks, after a week in Hawaii. He'd been cited for using excessive force in pursuing a perpetrator. I knew he was upset, I knew he was on a short fuse.
I never thought he would go off on me.
"Come to bed, baby." I thought making love might ease his burden.
Eyes fixed to the TV, he didn't even look at me. "I'm watching the game," he said simply. Toneless.
I should have left him alone. Why didn't I leave him alone? If I had just gone on to bed he wouldn't have hit me then, and maybe he never would have.
"You're so tense." I stood behind his chair and set my hands to work rubbing his shoulders.
"Don't touch me!" He was on his feet, fists shaking. I cowered from him, not because I thought he would hit me but because he was so angry. I knew he could hurt me. I just never thought...But he did hit me. His fist rammed into my face. Hard. I reeled backward from the intensity of the impact. Dizzy. Disoriented. Terrified.
The pain resonated through my body. Every bone, every muscle ached. My heart beat so fast and so loud in my ears I thought it would explode right then and there. I wanted to run. I couldn't move.
"I'm so sorry, baby." Kevin stepped toward me, his arms out. I felt like a child. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm upset. You know I'm upset. I just...I'm sorry." He gathered me up in his arms and held me against his chest. His hands felt so good, so strong and reassuring.
I loved him enough to forget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I explored religion when I was a teenager. I studied several different religions, and realised they are all fundamentally the same. It's all about love and faith. I struggled with both as the abuse continued.
I dropped out of seminary school because I couldn't keep saying I bumped into a door or fell down the stairs. People were starting to catch on, and I couldn't risk being found out. Kevin said he would kill me if I ever told. Then he would fly to California and kill my parents, my brothers, my sisters, nieces, nephews. Everyone I loved.
I couldn't go to the police for help, Kevin was a cop. A cop with a reputation for getting his man. A cop other cops respected because he got the job done.
I couldn't go to my family because...because I just couldn't. They believed Kevin and I were happy. They needed to believe it. I wanted them to believe it. They could never know the truth. They thought I left school to start my family. Someone had to stay home with the children.
Spousal abuse happens to other people, not Camdens. Not me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I told Rory Anne we were going on a special trip. She jumped up and down and danced around the kitchen, her baby soft curls bouncing wildly. Rory Anne. My innocent baby.
We picked Kevin Jr, Caroline, and Brian up from school at lunch time. The kids thought it was cool to leave early, for our special trip.
"Is Daddy meeting us somewhere?" Caroline asked. We had been driving almost an hour.
I looked at her in the rearview mirror. Rory Anne and Brian were sound asleep, heads bent together. A beautiful picture. Damn it. I forgot the camera. "No, baby. Daddy's not coming. He's at work." My voice cracked, and tears filled my eyes. I blinked to deny them release. I couldn't cry now. Not now. Not in the car. Not in front of the children.
I should tell them why we were leaving.
"Mom?" I looked at Kevin Jr and tried to smile. He didn't smile back. Kevin Jr was the spitting image of his father, with out the cold hardness in his eyes. He could always see right through me, through the lies, through the pain.
"I'm okay, baby," I told him. He shook his head. He didn't believe me. I knew he wouldn't, even before I said the words. As a mother, I just want to comfort my children, make them feel safe. Especially now.
"We're not going home, are we?" He asked and I knew I couldn't lie to him. I didn't have to. He knew. He always knew. "You're doing the right thing, Mom." My boy would make a fine man someday. Someday soon. Too soon.
I wasn't ready for him, for any of them, to grow up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I remember every time I said I'd never leave
What I can't live with is memories of the way you used to be
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Later that night, we stopped at a cheap hotel. I didn't have much money. With a little luck I had enough to make it to Glen Oak. If Kevin didn't find us first.
I stared at the phone. I should call my parents. Tell them I'm coming. Warn them because Kevin would be looking for me. Kevin had probably already called them. Threatened them. Or maybe he wouldn't have tipped his hand. With Kevin, I could never be sure. Maybe I shouldn't call. They wouldn't know anything if I didn't call. They wouldn't be lying when they told Kevin they hadn't heard from me.
After everyone else had gone to sleep, I sat in the chair just looking at my beautiful children. Kevin Jr and Brian lay with their backs to each other. Caroline had her arms around Rory Anne. My beautiful babies.
The only good that ever came out of my marriage.
He had seemed so perfect in the beginning. I'd been attracted to him the moment we met, in the airport at Buffalo. And the spooky coincidence that his brother was none other than Mary's fireman boyfriend Ben, that sealed it. Like God had brought me to him, my destiny.
I trusted God to take care of things then.
And when Kevin transferred from Buffalo, New York to Glen Oak, California, I knew it was fate. He loved me, and I loved him. Marriage was the next step.
That's what I wanted.
And the first three weeks were beautiful. Perfect. Like a chapter in a fairy tale.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
End Part One. I appreciate your time and I really would like to know your thoughts. Please let me know what you think. Thanks! Lucky Star ([email protected])
AUTHOR: Lucky Star ([email protected])
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the 7th Heaven characters, but as a writer I claim the right to alter facts and fill in blanks as needed...Please don't sue me. I'm writing only for fun. Any unfamiliar faces are figments of my twisted imagination.
CHARACTERS: The Camden family and a few other familiar faces. Possibly some new faces. Features Lucy in the lead role
SUMMARY: Lucy ponders life with Kevin.
SPOILERS: None, really.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just let me know
FEEDBACK: Definitely! [email protected]
WARNING: This fic deals with domestic violence. Please do not read if you think you will be upset by such issues.
Angry All The Time
A 7th Heaven Song Fic by Lucky Star
Using Tim McGraw's "Angry All The Time"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids
Who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I'm not old but I'm getting a whole lot older every day
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I put the plate on the table in front of my husband, turning it just right, just the way he liked it. He turned his chin up to look at me, his eyes hard and cold. Distant. Angry. "You know I like my eggs on the right, bacon and toast on the left." The tone of his voice matched the threat in his eyes.
I nodded meekly and turned the plate as he said. Yesterday he wanted eggs on the left, bacon and toast on the right. "I'm sorry, Kevin." My voice sounded pathetic, weak, miserable. He would never allow me to get it right the first time. He would always be right, I would be forever wrong. Every time.
He grabbed my wrist, held it tight in the circle of his fingers. "Don't let it happen again." He hissed. "You know how I like my plate." He stared at me with those cold, angry eyes. He looked so old. Old and angry and bitter. A terrible way to live, but he wasn't alone in his misery. He made sure day and night that I was suffering right there with him. More than him.
"Of course, Kevin." I hate myself every time I cowered under him, but I had little choice with his hand gripping my wrist so tightly. "I'll be more careful next time." I tucked my chin to my chest, submissive, braced for the blow of his fist.
"Damn straight you will." He squeezed my wrist before releasing it with a jerk. He didn't hit me. He just threw me away from him. I stumbled backward, colliding with the counter. At least it kept me from falling.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's too late to keep from goin' crazy
I got to get away
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I looked up at the ceiling, a silent thank you for that mercy, offered to a God I regularly questioned now. I could hear the kids coming down the stairs. They wouldn't find me on the floor this morning.
Or any other morning, I decided, right then and there. No more. Once Kevin went off to work, I would pack a few small bags, load the minivan with only the essentials, and pick up the kids from school. We would be half way to Illinois before dinner. And we would never look back.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Maybe I should have paid more attention in the beginning. Back when Kevin lived in the garage apartment at my parent's house. When he wouldn't tell me about his past girl friends, or even if he had ever slept with another woman.
Maybe it was none of my business, but I wanted to know.
There were so many things about Kevin I didn't know.
I knew he had a temper, I just didn't know how violent he could be. And I certainly never thought, would never have believed, he would unleash it on me. He didn't let that show until after the wedding.
There were little things, once I started paying attention. Cold, hard glares, locked jaw, grinding teeth, tight fists, heavy steps.
I guess I loved him enough to over look those things. I loved him enough to believe he would never hurt me.
We were married just three weeks the first time. He had been back at work two weeks, after a week in Hawaii. He'd been cited for using excessive force in pursuing a perpetrator. I knew he was upset, I knew he was on a short fuse.
I never thought he would go off on me.
"Come to bed, baby." I thought making love might ease his burden.
Eyes fixed to the TV, he didn't even look at me. "I'm watching the game," he said simply. Toneless.
I should have left him alone. Why didn't I leave him alone? If I had just gone on to bed he wouldn't have hit me then, and maybe he never would have.
"You're so tense." I stood behind his chair and set my hands to work rubbing his shoulders.
"Don't touch me!" He was on his feet, fists shaking. I cowered from him, not because I thought he would hit me but because he was so angry. I knew he could hurt me. I just never thought...But he did hit me. His fist rammed into my face. Hard. I reeled backward from the intensity of the impact. Dizzy. Disoriented. Terrified.
The pain resonated through my body. Every bone, every muscle ached. My heart beat so fast and so loud in my ears I thought it would explode right then and there. I wanted to run. I couldn't move.
"I'm so sorry, baby." Kevin stepped toward me, his arms out. I felt like a child. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm upset. You know I'm upset. I just...I'm sorry." He gathered me up in his arms and held me against his chest. His hands felt so good, so strong and reassuring.
I loved him enough to forget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You ain't the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I explored religion when I was a teenager. I studied several different religions, and realised they are all fundamentally the same. It's all about love and faith. I struggled with both as the abuse continued.
I dropped out of seminary school because I couldn't keep saying I bumped into a door or fell down the stairs. People were starting to catch on, and I couldn't risk being found out. Kevin said he would kill me if I ever told. Then he would fly to California and kill my parents, my brothers, my sisters, nieces, nephews. Everyone I loved.
I couldn't go to the police for help, Kevin was a cop. A cop with a reputation for getting his man. A cop other cops respected because he got the job done.
I couldn't go to my family because...because I just couldn't. They believed Kevin and I were happy. They needed to believe it. I wanted them to believe it. They could never know the truth. They thought I left school to start my family. Someone had to stay home with the children.
Spousal abuse happens to other people, not Camdens. Not me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I told Rory Anne we were going on a special trip. She jumped up and down and danced around the kitchen, her baby soft curls bouncing wildly. Rory Anne. My innocent baby.
We picked Kevin Jr, Caroline, and Brian up from school at lunch time. The kids thought it was cool to leave early, for our special trip.
"Is Daddy meeting us somewhere?" Caroline asked. We had been driving almost an hour.
I looked at her in the rearview mirror. Rory Anne and Brian were sound asleep, heads bent together. A beautiful picture. Damn it. I forgot the camera. "No, baby. Daddy's not coming. He's at work." My voice cracked, and tears filled my eyes. I blinked to deny them release. I couldn't cry now. Not now. Not in the car. Not in front of the children.
I should tell them why we were leaving.
"Mom?" I looked at Kevin Jr and tried to smile. He didn't smile back. Kevin Jr was the spitting image of his father, with out the cold hardness in his eyes. He could always see right through me, through the lies, through the pain.
"I'm okay, baby," I told him. He shook his head. He didn't believe me. I knew he wouldn't, even before I said the words. As a mother, I just want to comfort my children, make them feel safe. Especially now.
"We're not going home, are we?" He asked and I knew I couldn't lie to him. I didn't have to. He knew. He always knew. "You're doing the right thing, Mom." My boy would make a fine man someday. Someday soon. Too soon.
I wasn't ready for him, for any of them, to grow up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I remember every time I said I'd never leave
What I can't live with is memories of the way you used to be
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Later that night, we stopped at a cheap hotel. I didn't have much money. With a little luck I had enough to make it to Glen Oak. If Kevin didn't find us first.
I stared at the phone. I should call my parents. Tell them I'm coming. Warn them because Kevin would be looking for me. Kevin had probably already called them. Threatened them. Or maybe he wouldn't have tipped his hand. With Kevin, I could never be sure. Maybe I shouldn't call. They wouldn't know anything if I didn't call. They wouldn't be lying when they told Kevin they hadn't heard from me.
After everyone else had gone to sleep, I sat in the chair just looking at my beautiful children. Kevin Jr and Brian lay with their backs to each other. Caroline had her arms around Rory Anne. My beautiful babies.
The only good that ever came out of my marriage.
He had seemed so perfect in the beginning. I'd been attracted to him the moment we met, in the airport at Buffalo. And the spooky coincidence that his brother was none other than Mary's fireman boyfriend Ben, that sealed it. Like God had brought me to him, my destiny.
I trusted God to take care of things then.
And when Kevin transferred from Buffalo, New York to Glen Oak, California, I knew it was fate. He loved me, and I loved him. Marriage was the next step.
That's what I wanted.
And the first three weeks were beautiful. Perfect. Like a chapter in a fairy tale.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
End Part One. I appreciate your time and I really would like to know your thoughts. Please let me know what you think. Thanks! Lucky Star ([email protected])