Chapter Forty-four – 'Ugg, wrong way'

"I think you and I should talk after this game." Moe had a grandiose plan which might actually work. "Your food court looks a little..." He had the attention of Artie Ziff because the next words out of his mouth could be a compliment or a criticism. "...dry."

Artie raised his eyebrows in disagreement. "Dry?" He tried to comprehend. "The air temperature is set at an optimal seventy degrees with a relative humidity of thirty-five percent. This has been scientifically proven for small to medium crowds inside a medium to large enclosed room." He explained but missed Moe's point. "If it was any drier, the people would only want water..."

Moe shook his head negatively. "That's part of what I meant... how do I say this..." He turned towards the food court and began to point at the restaurants. "I see breakfast omelets, lunch sandwiches, steaks for dinner, extra long subs for a snack, and midnight pizza... the list is endless. The food is typical of a food court for teenagers. We need some more adult..."

"Sixty-seven percent of all customers to my food court are under the age of twenty-five." Artie had more statistics to throw at Moe while completely missing his point. "This is a shopping mall where over the last twenty years, the median age of a shopper has dropped from thirty-four down to sixteen. I have designed my food court with that in mind."

"But there are still plenty of old... older people who frequent the mall. Haven't you seen the walkers as soon as the doors open? Regulars who want to be friends and have their names known." Moe tried to entice Artie to making a decision. "Who wouldn't want a mimosa or screwdriver while they endlessly circle the mall? There is unlimited income if you are willing to work for it..."

"I don't want alcohol in my mall. Period." He was very definitive and assertive in his answer. "There was a drunken fight amongst the guests... I don't know who started it, but I ended it, once and for all I might add." He was proud of his accomplishment. "I banned all alcohol sales inside the food court. One tenant vacated their space and I charged them an early termination fee. Another changed their menu and lived happily ever after."

Moe scanned the stall and restaurants for an empty area but all he saw was storefront covered by sheets of plywood. "So what's the plan from here..."

"I have mine and you have yours." Artie pointed to the lit up MyPad in Moe's hand. "It's time you exit the mall and continue your journey. I bid you adieu." He turned pressed the elevator button to summon it to the current floor. When the door opened, he entered and waved goodbye to Moe.

In a quick decision, Moe ran toward the open door and was surprised when he bonked off of an invisible barrier preventing him from joining Artie. The door closed and Artie disappeared.

There was only one thing left to do. Moe pressed the roll icon and the familiar echoes boomed outside. He read the screen with a hint of excitement and disappointment: "Nine... that's further than any other turn, so maybe that's good..." He was unsure as he spun around looking for the exit.

Artie had taken them through every section of the food court, then to the statue, and eventually to a conservation with Ned Flanders. The exit was unseen as food stalls obscured Moe's view.

"Where did that information directory go... found it!" He ran to find a way out of this maze of delicious and dry food. "It says I have to..." Moe hadn't a clue which one of the seven exits his top hat was parked at, but a mysterious thing happened. Maybe it was the game helping or the holograms playing a trick, but a symbol on the correct exit flashed to gain his attention while the overhead lights dimmed inside the mall except the ones to illuminate his path to his token.

His pace quickened as the glass doors got closer and through them he could see the silver top hat inside the dark parking garage. This game would be easy if he was told every move to take.

"Freedom at last." He sighed as he tossed the MyPad into the token before climbing in. "Onward I go."

The silver top hat proceeded through the winding parking garage, descending level by level. It was a slow ride as caution was taken to ensure any cars reversing out of parking spaces would not be hit. Round and round Moe went unable to control the speed of descent.

"One more circle and I'm going to be sick." He mentioned to the token which found the exit and ceased making circles. "This is why I never liked amusement parks." He shrugged it off and took one last look at the mega-mall before entering the highway.

This was the longest part of the journey. Moe only knew he was going nine spaces, nine unmarked spaces. There was nothing to signify if nine spaces meant a quarter mile or ten miles.

The highway stretched into the darkness with occasional streetlights to brighten small stretches of pavement. Several mile markers went by as Moe counted them to see if they added up to nine.

"That's five miles..." He got distracted by the first billboard he passed during this ride. "Ye Olde Off Ramp Inn, next exit. I should pull over for the night and get some sleep. Long road trips tire me out."

Instead of slowing down to prepare to exit the highway, the token sped up and changed lanes to the left. Each lane change was accompanied by an acceleration. Faster and faster he went as his goal approached on the left of the highway, except there was the center barricade in the way.

"Looks cozy... and fancy... and comfy. Please stop there so I can spend the night." Moe begged the top hat. It appeared to listen as it weaved through traffic while changing lanes to the right.

Moe's anticipation grew as the top hat slowed enough to make the final lane change onto the exit ramp and glided toward an overpass. Another billboard informed him of the free homemade breakfast served daily.

"This is it. Just need to turn left... here..." His smile faded as the overpass was closed due to excessive potholes. Orange construction barrels blocked the way. "We could easily drive through here." He tried to persuade the silver top hat who had other plans.

It ignored him and proceeded back to the highway. Gaining speed it entered behind an eighteen-wheeler and quickly darted through a pack of motorcycles to find a turn-around only used by highway patrol officers.

Moe sensed this was not an ideal scenario. In fact, it scared him to the point of laying in the fetal position until it was safe again. He missed the epic turn the top hat made through the narrow cut-through, dodging an oncoming oil tanker, then cutting across three more lanes of traffic to slam on the brakes to make the soft exit of Ye Olde Off Ramp Inn then circling the building before coming to a complete and final stop.

Moe wondered if it was all over. He peeked his head about the brim of the hat to see everything was still. Slowly, he stood up only to be startled by the MyPad's announcement. "You have arrived at Ventnor Avenue."

Frustratedly, he watched the animation of the nine spaces he had just traveled. "It looks like we were coming here anyways... thanks for the ride... I guess..."

The top hat didn't even drop him off at the front door. It had found the parking spot the further away from the front door and overlooking the highway. The cars continued zooming by as Moe yawned while admiring the sign.

It was rustic in the way his bar sign had not been updated or painted in at least a decade. It did say 'Vacancy' which Moe greatly hoped. "It's also says 'For Sale'." The gleam in his eye returned. "This is the win-win situation I need right now."

With those words being said, he felt the first raindrop from a passing cloud. That was his luck. Another hit and hurried him underneath the covered walkway.

"Stupid raindrops. When it pours, it rains..." He sighed and entered the motel to an empty lobby. It looked like a bed and breakfast from an era long ago.

The main living room had two velvet couches, one had a plastic cover while the other has a hand-woven blanket. The pillows had tassels and were too stiff to be comfortable. A coffee table divided the room along with magazines from last year. Music filled the air as played from a record player upon a wooden dresser.

The other movement came from a random cat who was stretched out in front of a giant bay window watching the rain. It ran from Moe when a door shut behind the front desk across the room.

"Greetings." A sweet voice called to Moe. "I can get you set up for the night. C'mon over." The accent was recognizable to him as if he had heard that voice before.

Moe slowly turned around and saw her beauty from across the room. The long blonde hair put up in a messy bun and a raggedy jean jacket seen above the counter. "I think I know who you are... but I can't remember your name." He thought about it for another few seconds before trying again. "I'm surprised I don't remember your name to match your beauty..."

"If you think complimenting me will get you a discount, you are sadly mistaken." She countered with her country accent. "Many a man has tried to hit on me or even offered to take me back to their room and that's when I remind them whose boss..." There was a shotgun hidden behind the desk she pumped for effect.

He backed away from the counter. "Alright. I get it." Tension filled the room as Moe just wanted a room to sleep in. "So I guess dinner or drinks is out of the question as well.

"Guess so." She hid the shotgun and turned on the computer to start Moe's reservation. "Just need to get some information from you to rent you a room for the night. Let's get started, shall we?"

This motel had a mix of modern and ancient which intrigued Moe. She picked up a walkie-talkie and pressed the call button. "I'm confused by this place. It's like my bar. The furniture is original but I added some modern conveniences like a microwave... well now that I think about it, the microwave is also thirty years old." There had to be something in his bar that wasn't thirty years old and that's when Moe blurted out the answer. "The Love Tester."

"Again, the flirting won't gain you anything here. Now if I can get your name, you can get a room." She stared at Moe awaiting his answer. But of course Moe was easily distracted and lost in her eyes. "Name?"

"I'll give you mine if you give me yours." It seemed like an easy compromise.

"Deal?"

"...I reckon, I suppose." There was a delay but fulfilled her obligation and said her name. "My name is Lurleen Lumpkin and I run this bed and..."

"I know you!" Moe exclaimed.

Lurleen looked at him blankly. "I don't think so. This place has only been open a few nights and I've never seen you here. Nice try though... now, can I have your name?"

"Moe... Szyslak... but I know you as a famous country music star. I've seen you perform before." He was certain it was her.

She was certain it wasn't her. "I appreciate it though. I just started learning the guitar and training my voice to sound like the greats of the past..." Their conversation was thankfully interrupted by the bellhop arriving. "Can you grab his bags and escort him to room seventeen."

"Absolutely except..." The bellhop looked confused. "Uh, Lurleen, he doesn't have any bags."

"I just need a room for a nap. I'm tired from playing this game and that wild and crazy ride in my top hat scared the stuffing out of me, so I need a break." Moe described and the discussion changed.

"This changes things." She dismissed the bellhop to carry on a secret conversation. "If you are a game player then I am the Mayor of this property. The employees don't know. I was told to keep it a secret, so let's upgrade your room to the country suite where you will be taken care of for the night."

"Service with a smile." Moe replied. "This makes us even."

"Glad I can accommodate." Lurleen grabbed a gold key and gestured Moe to follow her. "It's the last room at the end of the hall."

The motel wasn't very large so the couple only had a minute or two to chat. One corner made the lobby disappear and the second corner made the suite door appear.

"Is there anything else..." Moe tripped over a fake plant while trying to gain any information from Lurleen she was willing to give up. "Anything else I should know, please?"

"Bless your heart, you kind soul." She turned the key and the door opened. "Since you asked nicely, I'll tell you breakfast is made fresh starting when the sun comes up, room service is still available all night, and there are extra towels and blankets in the linen closet."

These were not the answers he sought. "You want to come in and join me?" Moe tried one last time.

"I'll pass actually. Good night." She started walking away and mentioned something over her shoulder. "You'll find a friend in the master closet." She disappeared around the corner and Moe conceded the evening to his room.

He entered and swan-dived into the bed. It was a king-size for one. It should have been for two but it was not meant to be.

"Well, I better enjoy this. Who knows the next time I will have luxury like this." He took a hot shower, dressed in the over-sized robe, and sat down to scan the room service menu. He picked up the voice and Lurleen answered at the front desk. "Just the sweetest voice I hoped to hear."

"Howdy again. What can I get for you?" She had a servant's heart and took his order of essentially half the menu.

"Definitely the chicken fingers basket. Half a supreme pizza and... a slice of chocolate cake." Moe thought something was missing. "Do you have any adult beverages?"

Lurleen got it. "I'll grab my favorite from the top shelf. See you in a few minutes." The phone hung up. Maybe his evening was reversing.

He stretched out and got a little too comfortable and fell asleep.

A knock on the door woke him up. How long had passed? How long did it take to deep-fry chicken fingers?

"Hello." Lurleen's sweet country voice called through the door. "Food is getting cold."

"Hang on..." Moe called as he sprinted to the door. "Hey you." He greeted her. "Did you bring the special drink?" She nodded affirmatively. "Would you like to come in?"

She nodded again and pushed the food cart into the room. "I brought a special dark spiced rum from my own private collection."

Moe the gentleman poured two shots, one for himself and one for her. She accepted and had a seat on the bed. Simultaneously, they drank. "Want another?" She poured the second set of shots, and they drank again.

"Have you opened the closet yet to find a friend?" Lurleen asked.

"And interrupt this moment?" Moe countered.

"I'll do it then." She threw open the wooden closet door to reveal a stone statue of Burns. "I was told to keep this a secret. Don't exactly know why?"

Moe knew why and was excited to show her. "Watch this..." He jumped off the bed and placed the MyPad into the hands of the stone statue. A green hologram appeared inside the cramped closet.

"Before I begin can you help me out of here?" The hologram asked. How exactly do you move a hologram? "Anyways. Welcome to Ventnor Avenue. This property is for sale for two hundred sixty dollars and reduced by ten percent for this turn only. Two hundred thirty-four dollars is a steal of a deal. If you purchase this property, the rental rate for a room will be twenty-two dollars for visitors."

Lurleen rolled her eyes. "I can't make a profit at that price."

"That's too bad. We control all the prices and money in this world. The economy thrives or crashes when we say so. Money may become scarce one day... anyways, make your decision."

"Well here goes nothing." He pressed the 'Buy' icon and two pieces of paper printed below the statue's hands.

"You have chosen well. Enjoy the night!" The green hologram dissolved into the air. Moe snatched the papers and Lurleen closed the door.

Moe read them out loud. They were the standard receipts he had received before. The first showed his previous total of eleven hundred dollars minus the discounted property price of two hundred thirty-four dollars leaving a remaining balance of eight hundred seventy-six dollars.

Lurleen checked the math in her head. "Just helping." She agreed with the totals. "The hologram said they control the money. Have you thought to check your other papers for accuracy?"

This hit Moe like a ton of bricks. "Can I borrow you to check? I'll split my pizza with you."

"Deal." She agreed and jumped on the bed. "You better hurry before I eat it all by myself."

It might be the alcohol talking, or the pizza talking, or just Lurleen talking, but Moe forgot about the game after he pulled the other receipts out of his pocket. "There are a few..."

"I can help." She sorted the Title-Deeds into a pile and put the money receipts into numerical order. "Pass me the chicken fingers and rum."

Moe politely did as she asked but it didn't go as planned. Loud booms echoed outside the room and the light immediately turned out. "Power outage. Sorry about that. The electric system is rather old." She pulled the walkie-talkie from her belt and relayed a message. "Power is out. Go check the fuse panel. I'm... busy and will be back for breakfast. Over and out." She turned it off and dropped it on the floor.

"Do you need to leave?" Moe inquired.

"Not until breakfast time. I usually take a quick nap between last call and breakfast. Mind if I crash here?"

"Not at all. You want anything..." He wanted to take care of her for the evening, but her tiredness took over. A soft rhythm of snoring alerted Moe to her fate. She fell asleep already. "That was quick. Seems our night is over. Time for..." He yawned loudly as her snoring stopped.

"Good night." She had final words before falling quickly asleep again.

"See you at breakfast." Moe whispered before taking his nap.