This whole series is based on the tips found on the tumblr blog Survival Tips for SHIELD Recruits. The url is as follows if anyone wants to see the original source material.

shieldrecruitsurvivaltips. tumblr

For those of you following anything else I'm working on, everything is still active and nothing has been cancelled and I'm sorry for my slow updates. This series is also on archiveofourown .org and I am just now getting to transfer it over. Anyway, enjoy the insanity everyone!

-Illusinia

The New Recruits (SHIELD SURVIVAL TIP ONE: Don't forget to refill the coffee maker)

"Ah, Agent Le Fey, just who I wanted to see," greeted Fury, the almost eery half smile on his face. It was the one that said 'you're not going to like what I have to say, but I'm going to enjoy doing this'. It made her shiver.

Rowen Le Fey had only ever seen that look aimed at her once, and it had resulted in her being sent to seduce a Norwegian arms dealer. Said dealer had ended up with several broken bones and had nearly lost his balls. They hadn't allowed her on an undercover mission that required seducing a target since. She'd gotten them the information they needed though, so she hadn't lost her job at least.

Closing the door to Fury's office, Rowen wearily approached the director's desk. "Is there something you needed sir?"

"As a matter of fact, there is," confirmed Fury, gesturing for her to sit down. Once she was seated, he turned towards one of the corners of the office and motioned for someone else to step forward. Rowen turned sharply around to face the second person. Coulson offered her one of his impersonal smiles as he stepped away from the corner he'd been hiding in to take the other seat in front of Fury's desk. "You are familiar with Agent Coulson, correct Agent Le Fey?"

"You know I am, sir," confirmed Rowen, raising an eyebrow at Coulson wearily. The rumor around the level 7 S.H.I.E.L.D agents now was that the man in question was invincible. Then again, being stabbed in the chest and surviving would do that to a man.

Nodding, Fury offered her the same unnerving smile. "Agent Coulson recently made the suggestion that the Avengers could use some...support when dealing with large-scale catastrophes. After this alien invasion fiasco, I agree. A group to supply ground support to local law enforcement and aid in evacuations as well as supply the Avengers with information and possibly even minor combat support would be an asset." Pointing at Rowen mildly, he let that smile turn to a smirk. "You are one of our most unflappable agents, well organized and capable of handling chaos without so much as a blink of your eye. So, at Agent Coulson's recommendation, I have decided to place you in charge of heading our newest team of special picks to assist the Avengers in both ground and intelligence support."

Rowen wanted to both groan and drop her face into her hands. This could not be happening. Special picks probably meant new recruits who had just barely passed the basic training sequences. The word "special" usually meant specialists which, well necessary, often didn't include people who were exceedingly skilled in combat. That wasn't always true, but if they were on a support staff, it was a good bet they weren't combat ready. And she would be expected to bring them up to speed. This couldn't end well; she wasn't a damn babysitter and she wasn't a teacher. They didn't want her to be a teacher. She sucked at teaching. "Sir, permission to speak?"

"Do you have an objection, Agent Le Fey?" asked Fury, his eyes narrowing in a way that made most people want to curl in on themselves. Or at least, it should. Her panic was a little high for her mind to recognize the warning at the moment though, so she didn't even attempt to pretend to be afraid.

Seriously, she was more afraid of teaching new recruits than she was of Fury. Which, given she wasn't really afraid of Fury, wasn't actually saying much. Teaching still terrified her though. "With all due respect, sir, I don't feel I'm capable of offering proper instruction to new recruits."

One of Coulson's eyebrows rose in his usual sign of mild disbelief. "You are familiar with S.H.I.E.L.D protocol, correct Agent Le Fey?"

"Yes, sir," confirmed Rowen, glaring at Coulson slightly. "You've seen my reports."

Fury leaned forward, laying his arms across his desk. "So what, exactly, is the problem Agent Le Fey?"

And this was where she had no clue what to say. Honestly? Saying you were afraid of teaching a bunch of new recruits because you thought there was a possibility someone (namely one of the recruits) could end up dead wasn't a good reason. Otherwise, Barton and Romanov wouldn't be allowed within five miles of a recruit. "I'm concerned about my ability to teach, sir."

"I'm unconcerned," dismissed Coulson. It took all of her willpower not to wince. Of course Coulson would be encouraging this. He just had a be a derisive prick. Then again, he probably believed this was a good idea. He was the only person who probably believed she could legitimately teach. No, there was no one who could believe that, at least no one who knew her as well as he did. So why would he...oh by the gods.

Rowen felt her jaw locking up with the amount of pressure she was gripping it with. Damn it, there was no way she could call Coulson out on this bullshit. What was she going to say? This was revenge for forgetting to refill the damn coffee pot? It sounded crazy, but Coulson was just enough of a prick to do something like this in retaliation. And Fury would completely go along with it. Pricks. They're both bloody pricks.

"If Agent Coulson has no concerns and you have no valid objections, Agent Le Fey, then I see no reason why you shouldn't be assigned to lead this team of agents," reasoned Fury. "You are more than qualified, your record is spotless, and your clearance level is already far above those necessary to be completely informed about all matters concerning the Avengers." Leaning back again, Fury produced a folder from nowhere and offered it to her. "Here are the files on all of your agents. You start their training tomorrow at 0800 sharp on level 3, room 357."

"Yes, sir," sighed Rowen, taking the proffered folder with a slight scowl. "Is there anything else, sir?"

Fury shook his head. "You're dismissed, Agent."

"Thank you, sir." The fact that she managed to keep the growl out of her voice was a damn miracle. Drawing a sketchy salute at Fury and completely ignoring Coulson, she almost ran from the room before she said something stupid. She was never going to forget to refill the coffee pot again.